General Dreedle: Get back in the car, you smirking slut!
Yossarian: Is Orr crazy?
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Of course he is. He has to be crazy to keep flying after all the close calls he's had.
Yossarian: Why can't you ground him?
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: I can, but first he has to ask me.
Yossarian: That's all he's gotta do to be grounded?
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: That's all.
Yossarian: Then you can ground him?
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: No. Then I cannot ground him.
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: There's a CATCH?
Yossarian: A catch?
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: Sure. Catch-22. Anyone who wants to get out of combat isn't really crazy, so I can't ground him.
Yossarian: Ok, let me see if I've got this straight. In order to be grounded, I've got to be crazy. And I must be crazy to keep flying. But if I ask to be grounded, that means I'm not crazy anymore, and I have to keep flying.
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: You got it, that's Catch-22.
Yossarian: Whoo... That's some catch, that Catch-22.
Dr. 'Doc' Daneeka: It's the best there is.
Yossarian: Those bastards are trying to kill me.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: No one is trying to kill you sweetheart. Now eat your dessert like a good boy.
Yossarian: Oh yeah? Then why are they shooting at me Milo?
Dobbs: They're shooting at everyone Yossarian.
Yossarian: And what difference does that make?
Dobbs: Look Yossarian, suppose, I mean just suppose everyone thought the same way you do.
Yossarian: Then I'd be a damn fool to think any different.
Dobbs: [Over the radio] Help him! Help him!
Yossarian: Help who?
Dobbs: Help the bombardier!
Yossarian: I'm the bombardier, I'm all right.
Dobbs: Then help HIM, help HIM!
Colonel Cathcart: You're a disgrace. I'd like to know how you got to be a Captain, anyway.
Yossarian: You promoted me.
Colonel Cathcart: That has got nothing to do with it.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Yossarian, I want you to do something for me.
[removes item from small bag]
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: I want to serve this to the men. Taste it and let me know what you think.
[Yossarian takes a bite]
Yossarian: What is it?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Chocolate-covered cotton.
Yossarian: What are you, crazy?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: No good, huh?
Yossarian: For Christ's sake, you didn't even take the seeds out!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Is it really that bad?
Yossarian: It's cotton!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: They've got to learn to like it!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Look, I saw this great opportunity to corner the market in Egyptian cotton. How was I supposed to know there was going to be a glut? I've got a hundred warehouses stacked with the stuff all over the European theater. I can't get rid of a penny's worth. People eat cotton candy, don't they? Well this stuff is better - it's made out of real cotton.
Yossarian: Milo, people can't eat cotton!
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: They've got to - it's for the Syndicate!
Yossarian: It will make them sick! - why don't you try it yourself if you don't believe me?
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: I did - and it made me sick.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: We're gonna come out of this war rich!
Yossarian: You're gonna come out rich. We're gonna come out dead.
[Yossarian leaps out of the hospital window, fleeing the base. Danby and Tappman watch from the window]
Yossarian: I can do it, Danby!
Tappman: They'll catch you, they'll bring you back!
Yossarian: I can do it!
Danby: This is insane!
Yossarian: I can do it!
Tappman: What about your clothes?
Yossarian: They'll never recognize me without my uniform!
Danby: You'll be on the run with no friends! You'll live in constant danger of betrayal!
Yossarian: [laughs] I live that way now.
Danby: Yossarian, for God's sake, hurry up!
Yossarian: So long, Chaplain!
Tappman: How do you feel, Yossarian?
Yossarian: Fine... because I'm scared to death.
Danby: You'll have to keep on your toes every minute.
Yossarian: I'll keep on my toes.
Tappman: You'll have to jump.
Yossarian: I'll jump.
[Yossarian jumps over a ditch and runs to the sea while inflating a life raft. He leaps into the sea, paddling furiously, and is gone]
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Nately died a wealthy man, Yossarian. He had over sixty shares in the syndicate.
Yossarian: What difference does that make? He's dead.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his family will get it.
Yossarian: He didn't have time to have a family.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then his parents will get it.
Yossarian: They don't need it, they're rich.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: Then they'll understand.
Yossarian: The only friend I had was Snowden and I didn't know him.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: What's good for M & M Enterprises will be good for the country.
Lt. Col. Korn, XO: [speaking to Yossarian] All you have to do is be our pal.
Colonel Cathcart: Say nice things about us.
Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Tell the folks at home what a good job we're doing. Take our offer Yossarian.
Colonel Cathcart: Either that or a court-martial for desertion.
Yossarian: He was very old.
Luciana: But he was a boy.
Yossarian: Well, he died. You don't get any older than that.
1st Lt. Milo Minderbinder: As a matter of fact, Father, I know I can get my hands on an entire shipment of religious relics, blessed by the Pope himself. The Germans swiped them and put them on the open market. As I understand it, the stuff includes a wrist and collarbones of some of your top saints!
General Dreedle: All right, at ease... there'll be no more moaning in this outfit... the next man who moans is going to be very sorry...
General Dreedle: Who is this man?
Colonel Cathcart: Major Danby, Sir.
Lt. Col. Korn, XO: Danby... D-A-N-B-Y...
General Dreedle: Take him out and shoot him.
Colonel Cathcart: Sir?
General Dreedle: I said take him out and shoot him... can't you hear?
Colonel Cathcart: Take Major Danby out and shoot him...
Danby: Weather conditions have improved tremendously over the mainland, so you won't have any trouble at all seeing the target. Of course, we mustn't forget, that means that they won't have any trouble at all seeing you.
Yossarian: I am the most renowned killer of fish in the whole United States Army Air Force.
Maj. Major Major Major: Sergeant, from now on, I don't want anyone to come in and see me while I'm in my office. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. What do I say to people who want to come in and see you while you're in your office?
Maj. Major Major Major: Tell them I'm in and ask them to wait.
First Sgt. Towser: For how long?
Maj. Major Major Major: Until I've left.
First Sgt. Towser: And then what do I do with them?
Maj. Major Major Major: I don't care.
First Sgt. Towser: May I send people in to see you after you've left?
Maj. Major Major Major: Yes.
First Sgt. Towser: You won't be here then, will you?
First Sgt. Towser: I see, sir. Will that be all?
Maj. Major Major Major: Also, Sergeant, I don't want you coming in while I'm in my office asking me if there's anything you can do for me. Is that clear?
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir. When should I come in your office and ask if there's anything I can do for you?
Maj. Major Major Major: When I'm not there.
First Sgt. Towser: What do I do then?
Maj. Major Major Major: Whatever has to be done.
First Sgt. Towser: Yes, sir.
Maj. Major Major Major: Is something wrong?
Tappman: No, no. I... just thought I saw something.
Maj. Major Major Major: A naked man in a tree?
Tappman: Yes, that's it.
Danby: [looking through binoculars] That's just Yossarian.
Yossarian: If he raises the number of missions again, I swear to God, I'll help you kill him.
Yossarian: I swear.
Dobbs: Well, that's very reasonable of you.
Old man in whorehouse: You see, Italy is a very poor, weak country and that is what makes us so strong, strong enough to survive this war and still be in existence, long after your country has been destroyed.
Capt. Nately: What are you talking about? America is not going to be destroyed.
Old man in whorehouse: Never?
Capt. Nately: Well...
Old man in whorehouse: Rome was destroyed. Greece was destroyed. Persia was destroyed. Spain was destroyed. All great countries are destroyed. Why not yours? How much longer do you think your country will last? Forever?
Capt. Nately: Well, forever is a long time.
Old man in whorehouse: Very long.
Capt. Nately: Don't you have any principles?
Old man in whorehouse: Of course not!
Capt. Nately: No morality?
Old man in whorehouse: I'm a very moral man, and Italy is a very moral country. That's why we will certainly come out on top again if we succeed in being defeated.
Capt. Nately: You talk like a madman.
Old man in whorehouse: But I live like a sane one. I was a fascist when Mussolini was on top. Now that he has been deposed, I am anti-fascist. When the Germans were here, I was fanatically pro-German. Now I'm fanatically pro-American. You'll find no more loyal partisan in all of Italy than myself.
Capt. Nately: You're a shameful opportunist! What you don't understand is that it's better to die on your feet than to live on your knees.
Old man in whorehouse: You have it backwards. It's better to live on your feet than to die on your knees. I know.
Capt. Nately: How do you know?
Old man in whorehouse: Because I am 107-years-old. How old are you?
Capt. Nately: I'll be 20 in January.
Old man in whorehouse: If you live.