Mel Bakersfeld: Joe, this is Mel. There's no more time. Stop all engines and get out. Repeat. Stop all engines.
Cockpit qualified young man: Mr. Patroni, she won't take much more.
Joe Patroni: Well anyway, she's gonna get it.
Mel Bakersfeld: Joe, the plows are moving. Shut down and hold on! Joe Patroni! Do you read me? Acknowledge!
Mel Bakersfeld: Joe! Shut down!
Cockpit qualified young man: Mr. Patroni? Don't you hear him? Shut down.
Joe Patroni: I can't hear a thing. There's too much noise. Hold on. We're GOIN FOR BROKE!
Cockpit qualified young man: [after the plane gets out of the ditch] The instruction book said that was impossible.
Joe Patroni: That's one nice thing about the 707. It can do everything BUT read.
[throws his chewed and soggy cigar over his shoulder]
[the precocious nerd figures out they're turning around]
Mrs. Schultz: Captain, our son has a question. Schuyler, here's our captain.
Schuyler Schultz: [pointing out the window] Before, Virgo and Leo were right there, sir. Now I'm beginning to see Ursa Minor and Cassiopeia. We MUST be turning around.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: You have a young navigator here! Well, I'll tell you son... Due to a Cetcil wind, Dystor's vectored us into a 360-tarson of slow air traffic. Now we'll maintain this Borden hold until we get the Forta Magnus clearance from Melnics.
Schuyler Schultz: Oh... yes... of course!
Mr. Schultz: What did he mean by that, son?
Schuyler Schultz: Never mind, father, I'll tell you later.
Ada Quonsett: My late husband played the violin. Not professionally, but he was very good. He once played the Minute Waltz in 58 seconds.
Ada Quonsett: When you get to be older, there isn't a lot left to be frightened of.
Marcus Rathbone: What's more, the captain deliberately struck me across the face!
Cy Jordan: Unless you shut up, the second officer's going to do exactly the same thing.
Tanya Livingston: Perhaps Mr. Bakersfeld could impress upon Mrs. Quonsett that this isn't a very nice thing to do. Mrs. Livingston hasn't been able to!
Mel Bakersfeld: [timidly] Yes, uh... Mrs., uh... Quonsett? Uh, what you've done is, uh... dishonest. You've broken the law. You've defrauded Trans Global.
[Mrs. Quonsett smiles and keeps nodding]
Mel Bakersfeld: Don't you realize they could prosecute you?
Ada Quonsett: But they wouldn't, would they? I don't think it would be very good public relations for a big airline to prosecute a little old lady just because she wanted to visit her daughter!
Ada Quonsett: My late husband taught me to be thorough. He was a teacher of geometry. He always said: "You must consider every angle."
Tanya Livingston: My late husband was a lawyer, and he always said: "Watch out for sweet-looking innocent, little old ladies." I'm beginning to understand what he meant.
Marcus Rathbone: Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah! We're gonna crash! We're all gonna be killed! I know we're gonna be...
[Father Lonegan pops up from brace position, crosses himself, then in the same motion slaps Rathbone right on the nose before returning to brace]
Marcus Rathbone: OW!
Cindy Bakersfeld: And we don't have a home anymore. We have a waiting room. A place where I can walk the floor and wonder whether you're going to leave this damn airport long enough to drop by for a few minutes.
Mel Bakersfeld: Why you have to pick tonight, to come out here and fight with me...
Cindy Bakersfeld: I came out here to tell you that Roberta left home.
Mel Bakersfeld: I suppose I'm like a lot of men. A bigamist. Married to both a woman and a job.
Cindy Bakersfeld: And I can't be number 2 wife any longer.
Joe Patroni: I'll be back in time if I have to pull that plane out with my teeth!
Mel Bakersfeld: If you're wondering if we had another fight, the answer is no. Just a continuation of the same one.
Captain Anson Harris: Remind me to send a thank you note to Mr. Boeing.
Joe Patroni: You chickened out on me! I told you I wanted all the power you got!
Capt. Benson: Full throttle and this plane would be standing on its nose.
Joe Patroni: You might fly these things but I take them apart and put them back together again. If you had any guts we'd be on the runway by now.
Capt. Benson: You felt it vibrating? Another 10 seconds and we'd have had structural damage.
Joe Patroni: Who do ya think you're talking to, some kid that fixes bicycles? I know every inch of the 707! Take the wings off this and you could use it as a TANK! This plane is built to withstand anything... except a bad pilot.
Capt. Benson: You might tell your mechanic that I've got three million miles in the air.
Joe Patroni: And two and a half feet into the ground
Ada Quonsett: Now there's nothing to be nervous about. I've flown thousands of miles and I can tell you it's a lot safer than crossing the street!
Ada Quonsett: You've been so busy, we just haven't had a chance to chat. I'm Ada Quonsett.
D.O. Guerrero: How do you do.
Ada Quonsett: What's your name, sir?
D.O. Guerrero: Guerrero.
Ada Quonsett: Guerrero! That's Spanish, isn't it?
D.O. Guerrero: Yes, but way... back.
Ada Quonsett: You look more Irish.
D.O. Guerrero: So did my mother.
[an elderly woman walks by carrying her luggage]
Capt. Vernon Demerest: Hey, now, that's a good idea, Mel. Using little old ladies for skycaps. You keep that up. You're doing a good job.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: [after Vernon leaves] For my sake, be patient with him.
Mel Bakersfeld: How you can live with that overage juvenile delinquent, I'll never know.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: There's just the two of us. If I left him, what would I have?
Mel Bakersfeld: Would you have any more if he decided to leave you?
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: He won't. The moment a girl gets too serious, he waves his wedding ring like a flag. I'm his disaster insurance.
Mel Bakersfeld: More like group insurance!
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: Thanks for caring, Mel. Don't worry. Someday he'll come home for some other reason than to just change his clothes.
Mel Bakersfeld: Well, I hope so.
Father Steven Lonigan: [Interrupting tense one-on-one between Cy Jordan and Marcus J. Rathbone] Is there anything I can do?
Cy Jordan: Yes, Father. I'm putting you in charge of prayer.
Father Steven Lonigan: If that's an order, it's about thirty minutes too late, son.
Joe Patroni: They don't call them emergencies anymore. They call them Patronis.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: Mel, for my sake, be patient with him.
Mel Bakersfeld: How you can live with that overage juvenile delinquent I'll never know.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: There's just the two of us. If I left him what would I have?
Mel Bakersfeld: Would you have any more if he decided to leave you?
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: He won't. The moment a girl gets too serious he waves his wedding ring like a flag. I'm his disaster insurance.
Mel Bakersfeld: More like group insurance.
Sarah Bakersfeld Demerest: Thanks for caring Mel. Don't worry. Someday he'll come home for some other reason than to just change his clothes.
Mel Bakersfeld: Well, I hope so.
Gwen Meighen: Vern, we just don't have time.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: But I have a cab waiting downstairs and we can make the airport in fifteen minutes. Now the driver doesn't mind waiting. His meter's running and so is mine.
Gwen Meighen: But I've got to finish packing.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: You get me up to full throttle then throw me into reverse. You could damage my engine that way.
Gwen Meighen: Look, we'll be in Rome tomorrow, we'll have three days. Try a little patience.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: Or a cold shower.
Gwen Meighen: Think about something else.
Tanya Livingston: Have you ever been a stowaway on any other airline?
Ada Quonsett: Oh, yes. But I like Trans Global the best.
Tanya Livingston: [sarcastically] Well, it's nice to meet a satisfied customer.
Joe Patroni: Okay. But you keep those dinky toys out of my hair and away from this plane for 15 minutes, maybe less. I'll DRIVE it out.
Lincoln Tower: Mobil 1. Ground Control.
Mel Bakersfeld: Yes Doug. This is Mel.
Lincoln Tower: Cleveland just handed off flight two to Chicago Center. The transmissions from the aircraft aren't exactly regulation. The captain's blowing a fuse.
Mel Bakersfeld: I'd like to monitor. What's the frequency?
Lincoln Tower: 117.1.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: We need answers! Not questions. Are you guys sleeping down there? Why aren't we getting any action? We need help!
Chicago Center: Global 2. This is the Chicago Center watch supervisor. Please understand we're doing everything we can. We're holding other traffic and giving you priority. What type of approach do you wish?
Capt. Vernon Demerest: Chicago Supervisor listen carefully! Any approach is no damn good if it lands on runway 2-2. We need 2-niner. We've got an unservicable stabilizer trim. Doubtful rudder control and structural damage. If we're brought in on 2-2 there'll be a broken airplane and a lot of dead people. So you call Lincoln, mister, and turn the screws and tell that Lincoln airport manager to get off his penguin butt and clear that runway!
Mel Bakersfeld: Snowdesk, Mobil 1. Danny, listen carefully. Break the conga line. Send the heavy plows across to runway 2-niner. They're to head for stuck airplane and to wait instruction.
Joe Patroni: Well, let's put it *this* way- You promised me a box of cigars if I pull this off, right?
Mel Bakersfeld: Yeh-uh
Joe Patroni: Well, whataya standin' *there* for? Go GET 'em!
Mel Bakersfeld: Don't talk to me about consequences! When Congress voted to cut airport appropriations, you never even sent in a letter of protest. And where were you when the airlines and the pilots and the rest of us were... were pleading for... for more airports and better traffic control? You were picking out the colors in the ladies' lounge. So now you've got your consequences!
Mel Bakersfeld: They're having a conference now to decide what to do. But I need somebody who knows. A genius. Like Patroni.
Captain Anson Harris: Helen was a stewardess, flying DC-4s. That's how we met and, uh, she knew what was going on. So when we got married, I made her a promise - the obvious one. I always kept it.
Assistant: The instruction book said that was impossible!
Joe Patroni: That's one nice thing about the 707. She can do everything but read.
Joe Patroni: Aww, a tractor-trailer jack-knifed and flipped over. It's laying on its side like a drunken dinosaur.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: You better get this thing out of here 'cause I'm not taking off on 2-2.
Mel Bakersfeld: You'll use what's available!
Capt. Vernon Demerest: Well, if it's 2-2, I'm not using noise abatement and I'm not cutting back on power over those houses. So unless you want a big fat bill for cracked plaster and broken dishes, you'd better move this thing!
[discussing the effects of the bomb on a 707]
Joe Patroni: The sudden decompression at 30, 000 feet is something you gotta see to believe.
Tanya Livingston: He'll get sucked out, won't he?
Joe Patroni: So will anyone sittin' next to him. Until that pressure equalizes, everything within 20 feet to him that's not nailed down or strapped in is gonna get sucked right out of that hole.
Bert Weatherby: Is it that powerful, are you sure?
Joe Patroni: Humph! Yeah, I'm sure. When I was a mechanic in the Air Force, I was being transferred on a MATS plane, At 20,000 feet, one of the windows shattered. The guy sitting next to it was about 170 pounds. He went through that little space like a hunk of hamburger going down a disposal, and right after him coats, pillows, blankets, cups, saucers. Yeah, I'm sure!
Mel Bakersfeld: Takes about 3 seconds, doesn't it?
Joe Patroni: 3, 4 or 5, depends on the size of the hole. Everything fogs up just like that.
Joe Patroni: And THEN watch out! At that altitude, you can't breathe. So unless they get on oxygen in 45 seconds, it's good-bye!
Inez Guerrero: This time, do me one favor. If your boss says two and two is six, agree with him.
Meadowwood Homeowner: For this food, for our many blessings, and for Your bounteous goodness, we give thanks to Thee in the name of... JESUS CHRIST!
Tanya Livingston: There's bound to be a passenger with a fifty-dollar wrenched back. I'd better get out there with some release forms and plenty of sympathy and understanding.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: Sitting behind that desk made you think like a bookkeeper.
Mel Bakersfeld: I didn't always fly a desk.
Capt. Vernon Demerest: Well all right, Daddy. Now you tell me about when you were a war hero. You flew those pursuit jobs you could land in a parking lot. But when I'm setting down over 200,000 pounds of 707, I want something under my wheels that's plenty long and mighty dry.
Capt. Benson: If he tears this plane apart, I hope you've got eight million to pay for it.
Mel Bakersfeld: Joe, my neck's out about fourteen feet, sure it'll work?
[Customs Agent Standish catches a woman trying to smuggle diamonds]
Harry Standish: [tiredly] When will they learn? The *duty* would have been about *one-tenth* of what the *fine* is gonna be!
Marie Patroni: Oh, Joe, do you have to go in tonight?
Joe Patroni: It's getting that they don't call them emergencies any more, the call them "Patroni's."