Narrator: On November 13, Felix Unger was asked to remove himself from his place of residence; that request came from his wife. Deep down, he knew she was right, but he also knew that some day he would return to her. With nowhere else to go, he appeared at the home of his friend, Oscar Madison. Several years earlier, Madison's wife had thrown HIM out, requesting that HE never return. Can two divorced men share an apartment without driving each other crazy?
Felix Unger: The man puts his ketchup on his salad.
Oscar Madison: So? I like ketchup. It's like tomato wine.
Felix Unger: What are you doing?
Oscar Madison: Sterilizing the wound.
Felix Unger: With beer?
Oscar Madison: It's got alcohol in it.
Felix Unger: Everyone thinks I'm a hypochondriac. It makes me sick.
Felix Unger: I'm going to the studio to pick up the gauntlet he threw down.
Murray Greshler: You're so tidy.
Oscar Madison: You want brown juice or green juice?
Felix Unger: What's the difference?
Oscar Madison: Three weeks.
Felix Unger: Everything you've ever owned is on that bed.
Oscar Madison: Don't talk to me about Christmas, will ya? All that sticky, phony goodwill. I'd like to get a giant candy cane and beat the wings off a sugar plum fairy.
[when Oscar opens a suitcase from his closet, clothes fall out]
Felix Unger: What's that?
Oscar Madison: Guess I forgot to unpack from the last trip.
[pointing under the bed]
Felix Unger: There are things growing under there!
[Oscar's girlfriend is trying to get him to lose weight]
Oscar Madison: Honey, that's fun fat. Everybody has that.
Felix Unger: I don't.
Oscar Madison: You don't have any fun either.
Howard Cosell: [pointing to Oscar] Either he leaves or I leave.
Felix Unger: [turning to Oscar] Leave!
[Oscar is dating the princess of a tiny European country]
Princess: My country is so small we only sent one athlete to the Olympics.
Oscar Madison: Oh? What event did he compete in?
Princess: All of them!
Oscar Madison: How did he do?
Princess: He died in the relays.
Felix Unger: [while doing a commercial] I am a dramatization of a doctor.
Felix Unger: [to woman on witness stand] Ah... you *assumed*. My dear, you should never *assume*. You see, when you *assume*
[writes the word "assume" on a blackboard]
Felix Unger: , you make an *ass*... out of *you*... and *me*.
Felix Unger: Oh, Oscar, Oscar, Oscar!
Howard Cosell: Don't call me Howie!
Felix Unger: She likes... David Cassidy better than me!
[Despondent that his daughter, Edna, isn't speaking to him]
Oscar Madison: So do I!
Felix Unger: [to Oscar] Let this be on your head.