Lou Grant: Mary, I don't want you to take this wrong, but you're a jerk.
Mary Richards: How could I possibly take that wrong?
Chuckles the Clown: [attributed] A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants.
Mary Richards: I'm an experienced woman. I've been around... Well, all right, I might not've been around, but I've been... nearby.
Sue Ann Nivens: I was lying in bed last night and I couldn't sleep, and I came up with an idea. So I went right home and wrote it down.
[On the air]
Ted Baxter: I've just been handed a bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth!"
Ted Baxter: Folks, I've just received a special news bulletin: "You have something on your front tooth."
Ted Baxter: I always like to think that our little newsroom was one big happy family. In my innocence, little did I suspect we'd be harboring a backstabber in our very bosom. I'm going to reveal the name of that person. The backstabber is...
Murray Slaughter: Isn't this were the lights go off and Ted is found dead on the floor?
Lou Grant: Rule number one: never hire friends. I hired a friend once and you know what happened? Worked out great. But that's me. You couldn't handle it.
Ted Baxter: I did a report on unemployment. It's at an all-time high. Or was it low?
Murray Slaughter: HIGH, Ted.
Ted Baxter: Hi, Murr!
Phyllis Lindstrom: I just thought I'd see what you swingin' singles do for fun.
Rhoda Morgenstern: Same as you - sit around and wonder what it would be like to have a happy marriage.
Lou Grant: You want a raise, is that it?
Ted Baxter: Lou, I've written a figure on this pad.
Lou Grant: Ted, I've written two words on this pad.
Ted Baxter: Lou, I thing there's some room for negotiation between that figure and those words.
Lou Grant: Put it on an idiot card for Ted.
Ted Baxter: Cue cards, Lou. I don't know why everyone insists on calling cue cards idiot cards.
Murray Slaughter: We just have trouble thinking of you as a cue.
Ted Baxter: Say, Murray, I just read this item I think we should use. It's about a man who went on TV to make a plea to send Turkeys to convicts.
Murray Slaughter: For pets or for dinner?
Ted Baxter: I don't know! I think it was in "Ar-Kansas."
Murray Slaughter: Yeah, I think they're doing the same thing in Arkansas too.
Ted Baxter: How do you like that! It's spreading from state to state!
Rhoda Morgenstern: It's a magnifying mirror! Mary, why didn't you warn me? I thought it was a relief map of the moon. When they sell those magnifying mirrors they should include a printed suicide note.
Ted Baxter: It's actually tomorrow in Tokyo. Do you realize that there are people alive here in Minneapolis who are already dead in Tokyo?
Murray Slaughter: Can you imagine the insurance claim? Cause of death: a busted goober.
Mary Richards: Mr. Grant? Could I say what I wanted to say now? Please?
Lou Grant: Okay, Mary.
Mary Richards: Well I just wanted to let you know that sometimes I get concerned about being a career woman. I get to thinking that my job is too important to me. And I tell myself that the people I work with are just the people I work with. But last night I thought what is family anyway? It's the people who make you feel less alone and really loved.
Mary Richards: And that's what you've done for me. Thank you for beginning MY family.
Mary Richards: If it weren't for the rotten things that happen in this world we couldn't put on the news show. We should be grateful to all the people who do those rotten things. We should stop them in the streets and say, "Thank you Mr. Mugger, thank you Mr. Thief, thank you Mr. Maniac."
[explaining a dream to Lou and Murray]
Ted Baxter: I dreamt I was an old man, all wrinkled and shriveled, sitting alone on this park bench, and then this-this guy walked up to me, and he looked kind of familiar, and he just stood there, looking at me. And I said, "Who are you?" And he said, "I'm the son you never had." And then-then this woman appeared, and I said, "Who are you?", and she said, "I'm the daughter you never had." And then-then about twenty kids appeared, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "we're the children of the children you never had." Then a bunch of dogs and cats appeared, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "We're the pets of the children of the children you never had." And then a bunch of guys in white coats came up, and I said, "Who are you?" And they said, "We're the Veterinarians of the pets of the children of the children you never had." And then, and then...
Lou Grant: Ted, just-just skip to the finish of the dream. Tell us how it ended.
Ted Baxter: Oh like all my dreams end, with Marlo Thomas and Winston Churchill applauding me.
[staring at a piece of candy she is about to eat]
Rhoda Morgenstern: I don't know why I should even bother to eat this. I should just apply it directly to my hips.
Mary Richards: Oh Rhoda, chocolate doesn't solve anything.
Rhoda Morgenstern: No Mare, cottage cheese solves nothing; chocolate can do it all!
Mary Richards: Well, what's the cut-off point Mr. Grant? I mean, is... is there some number? You know, I'd really like to know. How many men is a woman allowed to have before she becomes *that* sort of woman?
Lou Grant: Six.
[there is a party at Mary's. Mary has suggested playing a game where one person says a word and the next person thinks of a word that begins with the last letter of the word they heard]
Lou Grant: Does this game go on forever or does it have an end?
Mary Richards: It ends when a person can't think of a word.
Lou Grant: Oh, I'll start. (Lou turns to Ted Baxter.) Box! (Ted cannot think of a word and says nothing.) Game's over.
[Ted has been avoiding repaying Murrary]
Murray Slaughter: Ted, do you have that fifty cents I loaned you last week?
Ted Baxter: Sure, Murray.
[Looks in his wallet]
Ted Baxter: Darn, do you have change for a $500?
Murray Slaughter: Sure, Ted
[pulls a money bag from under his desk]
Ted Baxter: [stunned] Quarters?
Murray Slaughter: [smiling gleefully] Nickels!
Sue Ann Nivens: I've gotten involved in the most wonderful business. I'd like to give you all my new business card
[passes out cards]
Murray Slaughter: [reading] "Sue Ann Nivens; Insurance Sales". Great, Sue Ann; let me give you my card.
[writes on the back and hands it to Sue Ann]
Sue Ann Nivens: [reading] "Murray Slaughter; Not Interested".
[Mary is disappointed that she received a C plus on her essay from Professor Whitfield, while Rhoda earned a B on hers]
Rhoda Morgenstern: I'll trade you my B for your "Where are we going tonight?"
Mary Richards: [eating dinner] This is delicious, Georgette. I love it.
Georgette Franklin Baxter: Thank you, Mary.
Ted Baxter: [stuffing his face] I love it, too, Georgette. And I love you. Will you marry me?
Mary Richards: Ted, you just proposed through a mouthful of creamed onions!
Sue Ann Nivens: Mary, you've been in my bedroom before, haven't you?
Mary Richards: [looking around in amazement] Oh, no! I would've remembered this!
Mary Richards: Ted, do you trust me?
Ted Baxter: Well, sure I do.
Mary Richards: Okay, take off your left shoe.
[Ted does so]
Mary Richards: Now take off your left sock.
Ted Baxter: Mary...
Mary Richards: Do you trust me, Ted?
Ted Baxter: Sure.
Mary Richards: Take off your left sock.
[Ted does so]
Mary Richards: Now, the next time I'm talking to someone and you think of a comment you just have to add to the conversation, I want you to take that sock, and stuff it down your throat.
Ted Baxter: What about the shoe?
[Mary gives a look as if to say "don't tempt me."]