- [the Goodies have been told there's half an hour to go before the end of the world]
- Tim: At least there's time to do the ironing.
- [Brings in the ironing board and a basket of laundry]
- Tim: Just think, this is the end of Derby County... and the Muppets!
- Graeme: The Muppets?
- Tim: Yes, when we go, they'll go too, you know... oh, I do hope they don't suffer.
- Graeme: They're not real, you know!
- Tim: Well, of course they're real!
- Graeme: Don't be silly... the Muppets are just dollies!
- Tim: If they're "dollies", how come they can sing and dance and make sophisticated funny remarks?
- Graeme: Look, Kermit the frog is a green sock.
- Tim: [suddenly disturbed] What?
- Graeme: Kermit the frog is a man on his knees with a green sock on his hand!
- [to demonstrate, he uses a green sock as a glove puppet and imitates Kermit]
- Graeme: "Hello frog lovers, and welcome to the Muppet Show! I'd like to welcome our very special guest, Miss Piggy. Yay-ay-ay-ay!"
- Tim: Well she has GOT to be real.
- Graeme: Pair of old y-fronts and a mop head.
- [He holds up a pair of underpants and a mop head, and speaks like Miss Piggy]
- Graeme: "Hello Kermit, spawn of my heart, frog of my dreams!"
- [as Kermit]
- Graeme: "Hi there Miss Piggy, and what can I do for you?" Fozzie Bear is a brown woolly jumper with a hat on!
- [Holds up a brown pullover and a hat and speaks like Fozzie]
- Graeme: "Oh boy, funn-y! Oh Kermit, I hope those two old guys don't heckle me!"
- [Holds up two sponge balls and imitates Waldorf and Statler]
- Graeme: "Boo boo, the bear's a comedian, the comedian's a bear! Boo, boo!"
- [Waves a feather duster in Tim's face and bellows]
- Graeme: "A-NI-MAL!"
- Tim: [Nearly hysterical] No, stop it! Lies! LIES!
- Graeme: [holds up the green sock again and sings] "Halfway up the stairs is the stair where I"...
- Tim: NO!
- [runs into the kitchen, screaming]
- Graeme: I'll release his inhibitions through anger and violence! My life's work is at an end. I can die a happy man.
- [Tim emerges screaming from the kitchen and throws the gas cooker at Graeme]
- Graeme: You shouldn't have hit me with that! You'll ruin the cake!
- Tim: I do not want money. I do not want wealth. All I ask is that people humbly and honestly sink to their knees and worship me.