Support Your Local Sheriff! (1969)
Mayor Ollie Perkins: I wanted you to meet my daughter, Sheriff. She's a good cook, a mighty fine looking girl. Takes after her dear, departed mother.
Jason McCullough: Mother died, huh?
Mayor Ollie Perkins: Nope, she just departed.
Pa Danby: If that gun had gone off, it'd of blowed right up in my face.
Jason McCullough: Now it wouldn't have done my finger a hell of a lot of good either, would it? What can I do for you, Mr. Danby?
[after Joe shoots the cardplayer in the saloon, he claims it was self-defense]
Jason McCullough: Well, it may have been a lot of things, but self-defense it wasn't. And he didn't draw first - you did.
Joe Danby: What do you mean by that?
Jason McCullough: Oh, it's an old trick. You did it pretty well - not real well - but pretty well. You feinted with your left shoulder, getting him to go for his gun, while you were goin' for yours with your right hand at the same time. It's an old Arizona trick; but I... I have seen it used as far north as Montana.
Joe Danby: Are you callin' me a liar?
Jason McCullough: Well now, you heard every word I said and I didn't call you a liar. All I said was you feinted him into drawin' with your left shoulder while you were goin' for the gun with the right hand.
Joe Danby: So what?
Jason McCullough: You beat that poor man to the draw. He's dead and you're alive - that's the whole idea of the game, isn't it?
Joe Danby: What's your name?
Jason McCullough: Jason McCullough. What's yours?
Joe Danby: Joe Danby. And you had better remember it.
Jason McCullough: Oh, I'll remember it, Joe. That's about all I'm gonna do the rest of my life is go around rememberin' your name.
[Jason is inquiring about the job of sheriff]
Jason McCullough: Well, gentlemen, I think it's only fair to tell you that I'd only be interested in this job on a temporary basis.
Henry Jackson: Oh?
Jason McCullough: Well, you see, actually I was on my way to Australia when I heard about your gold strike and I decided to, uh, travel through here and see if I couldn't pick myself up a little stake.
Thomas Devery: What do you want to go to Australia for?
Jason McCullough: Well, it's the last of the frontier country. Thought I might like to do a little pioneering.
Fred Johnson: I thought this was frontier country and we was pioneers.
Henry Jackson: So did I.
[Jason and Prudy are talking about how the Danbys are gathering to come after the sheriff]
Prudy: Have you figured what you're gonna do?
Jason McCullough: More or less.
Jason McCullough: Oh, I thought I might just leave town. Just get out of town before they ride in - just ride out and keep on goin'.
Prudy: I don't believe it.
Jason McCullough: Well, I don't know why not. I've never made any secret of the fact that basically I'm on my way to Australia. And I don't think I'm gonna find a better time to get started than right now. Besides, uh, I don't like the odds.
Jason McCullough: [Fingering dented badge] That must have saved the life of whoever was wearin' it.
Mayor Olly Perkins: Well, it sure would have, if it hadn't been for all them other bullets flyin' in from everywhere.
[Jason is coaching Jake how to shoot better]
Jake: How come nobody ever heard of you? I mean, a man that can shoot like you do and draw as fast as you can... how come you ain't got a reputation?
Jason McCullough: What would I want with a reputation? That's a good way to get yourself killed.
Joe Danby: Pa, you always told me there wasn't a jail been built that could hold a Danby.
Pa Danby: Well, now they've built one!
Joe Danby: Aww.
Pa Danby: You'll have to stay here for a couple of days.
Joe Danby: But we run this town.
Pa Danby: I gotta throw in with that sheriff that you don't exactly dazzle nobody with your intelligence.
[Jake comes in the sheriff's office]
Pa Danby: What's he supposed to be?
Jason McCullough: Well, that's my deputy.
Pa Danby: Why last week he was shovelin' horse... he was workin' in the stable.
Jason McCullough: Well, he's been promoted.
Jake: Now the way this story ends... is that they get married and he goes on to become governor of the state. Never gets to Australia, but he keeps readin' a lot of books about it. I get to be sheriff of this town... and then I go on to become one of the most beloved characters in Western folklore.
Pa Danby: Now I'm gonna take a little trip tomorrow and I want you two to behave yourselves while I'm gone. I don't want nobody to make no martyr out of this here sheriff.
Tom Danby: What's a martyr?
Pa Danby: Oh, I'm sorry. They didn't use words like that in the third grade, did they?
Tom Danby: Well, how would I know? I didn't get that far.
Joe Danby: You expect me to sit here in this lousy cell on that...
[notices the red paint drippings on the floor]
Joe Danby: What is that red stuff all over the floor there?
Jason McCullough: Oh, uh...
[waves his boot over the paint]
Jason McCullough: ...that's the poor fella that crossed the line earlier today.
Jason McCullough: Well, it seems Joe murdered a man this afternoon.
Pa Danby: The way I hear'd it, he killed a man in a fair gunfight.
Jason McCullough: I was standing right there.
Pa Danby: You was standin' right where?
Jason McCullough: In the saloon when Joe killed him.
Pa Danby: Well, now that was real smart of him, weren't it?
Jason McCullough: I've been around Joe all afternoon and I haven't seen him do one smart thing yet.
Tom Danby: Pa, you been touchin' up your hair again?
Pa Danby: Whadda ya mean, AGAIN?
Tom Danby: Nothin'. It just looks better in spots, that's all.
Pa Danby: Whadda ya mean, SPOTS?
Joe Danby: I hear you're gonna try and arrest me. You know you don't look near as tough as some of them other sheriffs we've had lately. Particularly that old boy that done run off about an hour and a half after he took the job.
Jason McCullough: Joe, you just make me feel tired all over when you talk like that.
Joe Danby: Now, what do you mean by that?
Jason McCullough: It's bad enough to have to kill a man without having to listen to a whole lot of stupid talk from him first.
Fred Johnson: I heard that the sheriff was gonna leave town.
Henry Jackson: I did too, And at the time I heard it, I remember saying to myself, "That sheriff has his head set squarely on his shoulders."
Prudy: Well, now he's NOT gonna leave town.
Mayor Ollie Perkins: And I'd like to get my hands on whoever it was that caused him to change his mind.
Henry Jackson: Me too. Man with that good an idea oughta be encouraged to hold on to it.
Prudy: What is the matter with all of you? Don't you remember how long we waited to find a man who'd stand up to the Danbys? Don't you remember what this town was like before - murderings, lynchings, miners shooting up the town day and night?
Fred Johnson: And aside from the few things that you just mentioned, it wasn't a bad place at all!
[Pa Danby has just come from a meeting where Jason McCullough stumped him by sticking his finger in the barrel of Pa's pistol]
Tom Danby: He stuck his finger in the end of your *what?*
Pa Danby: Will you shut up? Everybody'll be lookin'!
Jason McCullough: Why do these jaspers always have to hit town at meal time?
Prudy: You gonna kill another man?
Jason McCullough: Well, I'm sure we all hope it turns out that way.
Henry Jackson: We are gathered here today to consign the mortal remains of Millard Frymore... or whatever his name really was. I ain't really got a whole lot to say about Millard because he only rode amongst us two days ago, and was promptly struck down by whatever deadly disease it was struck him down. We can only hope that whatever deadly disease it was, it wasn't particularly contagious. And with that in mind, I suggest we all bow our heads in devout prayer.
Mayor: Our last sheriff was a good organizer. Yellow clear through, but a good organizer.
Pa Danby: There's always some tramp that's good with a gun that can be hired.
Luke Danby: Yeah, but you always said that the Danbys fight their own battles.
Pa Danby: Well, maybe I was talkin' 'bout another branch of the family.
Jason McCullough: It seems like you spent a lot of time with horses.
Jake: One end or the other. Of course, I come about it natural. My daddy stole horses for a living. They hung him.
Mayor Olly Perkins: You interested in the job of sheriff?
Jason McCullough: Oh, maybe. How much does it pay?
Townsman: Well, none of our sheriffs ever lived long enough to find out.
Mayor Olly Perkins: You ain't wanted for anything anywhere are you Mr. McCullough. Not that it matters, because we understand how them little things can happen.
Mayor Olly Perkins: That must have been some show you put on at the saloon this afternoon. It kind of sobered up the whole town.
Jason McCullough: Well, that's good.
Mayor Olly Perkins: Maybe... maybe not. It has been a lot of fun around here up to now. I mean, everything all kind of wide-open and relaxed. Nobody looking down their noses at anybody who happened to shoot someone else. Nobody poking their noses into nobody else's business without them getting their big noses blasted off in the process. Ah, I guess now that we got law and order, chuches will start moving in.
Jason McCullough: Yeah, that's usually the next thing that happens.
Mayor Olly Perkins: And then the women will start forming committees and having bazaars. And then they'll chase Madame Orr's girls out of town, or make them get married, or something even worse. But, what the hell, like you said, the law's the law, and we got to face up to it sometime.
Jason McCullough: When did I say that?
Jason McCullough: Gentlemen, do we have a jail here?
Mayor Olly Perkins: Do we have a jail? A brand new one with two cells that the whole community pitched in and built last month!
Fred Johnson: Just like a barn raising.
Henry Jackson: Even the dancehall girls showed up. They made sandwiches and carried on like crazy.
Mayor Olly Perkins: It was designed to be practically escape proof.
Jason McCullough: Well, good, because I think I'm going to have to throw a couple of people in it.
Mayor Olly Perkins: There's only one thing. This new jail is sure got everything.
Fred Johnson: Even a new stove with a coffee pot already on it.
Mayor Olly Perkins: The only thing it hasn't got is iron bars for the cells.
Jason McCullough: Is this the kind of town you people want for yourselves? Is this the kind of life you want to lead? I mean, three killings in one saloon alone! The sun hasn't even gone down yet. Any more of this foolishness, and I'm gonna close this place up tight.
Jason McCullough: How's Joe?
Jake: Oh, he figures he's going to be out of here and we're going to be dead about this time tomorrow.
Jason McCullough: Did he seem to feel any sorrow over the fact that we might all be killed?
Jake: No, it's more like he planned to dance and spit all over our graves.
Jason McCullough: Sounds like Joe.
Joe Danby: [about his father] He's got a heart as big as the whole outdoors, but he don't have one brain in his poor old head.
Jake: You want me to tell Joe Danby that he's under arrest for murder? What're you gonna do after he kills me?
Jason McCullough: Then I'll arrest him for both murders.
Mayor Ollie Perkins: I guess you know what you're doing, Sheriff.
Jason McCullough: I don't know what I could have said to give you that idea, Mayor.
Henry Jackson: I'd like to remind everyone we're here to consign the remains of Millard Frymore.
Fred Johnson: It's gold, Henry.
Henry Jackson: Gold?
Fred Johnson: Down there in the grave.
Henry Jackson: Well, let's get this coffin out of the way and have a look.
Jake: Well, I did odd jobs... for one thing, I was a Orr holder at Madame Horse's, uh, horse holder at Madame Orr's House.
Jason McCullough: Well, do you see anything?
Jake: No. What are we lookin' for?
Jason McCullough: What are we lookin' for? We're lookin' for nuggets, a vein, the mother lode!
Jake: What's the mother lode?
Jason McCullough: I'm beginning to get the horrible feelin' you know even less about gold mining than I do, Jake.
Jake: Course I don't know anything about gold mining!
Jason McCullough: Well, what do you think I brought you along for? I thought everyone around here knew about mining.
Jake: Well I don't! I might be able to give you a few tips about shoveling horse... working around the stable, but I don't know nothing about huntin' gold.
Jason McCullough: You beat that poor man to the draw. He's dead and you're alive. That's the idea of this game, isn't it?
Joe Danby: I'm gonna get you for this, Jake!
Jason McCullough: Well, you are the toughest talkin' blowhard I ever heard!
[after Pa Danby leaves the sheriff's office]
Jason McCullough: You know... he strikes me as bein' a lonely man.
Jake: Lonely? Danby? Why he's a mean, no-good, lowdown bushwhacker!
Jason McCullough: Well, there you see? No wonder he's lonely.
Bartender: Remember what the sheriff said: no more shootin' till the sun goes down.
Townsman: Is that what he said?
Bartender: That's close enough, brother. Drinks are on the house!
Prudy: I said it before and I'll say it again: The men in this town are nothin' but a bunch of lowdown, miserable, cowardly curs!
Mayor Ollie Perkins: As your father, I may have to take that kind of talk from you; but as the mayor of this town I sure as hell don't. Throw her out, boys... and don't be too gentle with her!
Jason McCullough: After we're married - no matter how many kids we got - when I say we're off to Australia... we pack up, kids and all, and off we go.
Prudy: What do I wanna go to Australia for?
Jason McCullough: Because that's where your husband would be. And girls usually go where their husbands are.
Henry Jackson: Now just because we've lost three sheriffs don't mean we're going to lose four.
Fred Johnson: Our luck is bound to change.
Mayor Olly Perkins: What about his luck?
Jason McCullough: Jake, how would you like the job as my deputy?
Jake: I'd hate it! Even if I lived through it, I'd hate it!
Mayor Ollie Perkins: She's a rich little old gal in her own name, Sheriff. Sole owner of the Millard Frymore Memorial Mining Company.
Jason McCullough: You meanin' whoever marries her gets the mine.
Mayor Ollie Perkins: Shaft and all!
Mayor Olly Perkins: [talking about Prudy] She's had some terrible shocks this year. She got wealthy almost overnight - I think maybe it unhinged her a little bit. Then she was always kind of big for her age and "pooberty" hit her hard - that'll do it you know.
Jason McCullough: I didn't know that.
Mayor Olly Perkins: Well, it will!
[after more conversation with the mayor, Jason is leaving the house and looks up the stairs to where Prudy ran off]
Jason McCullough: "Pooberty"