Paint Your Wagon (1969)
Elizabeth: Did you know that the Fenty's had an apple farm back in Pennsylvania?
Ben Rumson: Apple jack, huh?
Mr. Fenty: No, sir, we did not make apple jack!
Ben Rumson: Then, what did you grow the apples for?
Mr. Fenty: Mr. Rumson, do you think that everything that comes out of the earth should be used to make liquor?
Ben Rumson: Whenever possible, yes.
Ben: You was down at the rapids just now, bare beam and buck naked?
Elizabeth: Well, I'm not like to take a bath with my clothes on, Mr. Rumson.
Ben: Are you trying to tell me that you was taking a *bath*?
Elizabeth: That's right. I was taking a bath.
Ben: In the middle of the night?
Elizabeth: Mr. Rumson, in a community of 400 men, would you rather I took my bath "bare beam and buck naked" in the middle of the day?
Rumson: She's picked up a bad case of the respectabilities. And in just a few days from now, that poor woman's going to be burnin' up in a fever of virtue. And then LOOK OUT.
Rumson: Pardner, it's been my experience that there ain't nothin' more ruthless and treacherous than a genuine good woman.
Mrs. Fenty: You should read the Bible, Mr. Rumson.
Ben Rumson: I have read the Bible, Mrs. Fenty.
Mrs. Fenty: Didn't that discourage you about drinking?
Ben Rumson: No, but it sure killed my appetite for readin'!
Pardner: [When Ben sees Pardner riding a horse with Elizabeth, he punches him to the ground, pulls a gun on him then threatens to tear him apart] Ben, what the hell's the matter with you?
Ben Rumson: What was the two of you doin' on the same horse?
Pardner: Ridin', what else would we be doin' on a horse? And it'd be the last place I'd...
Ben Rumson: Where was her horse?
Pardner: That was her horse.
Ben Rumson: [Pointing, voice cracking] And where, HAHA, was your horse?
Pardner: You... had my horse.
Ben Rumson: Grace, I give you the boy. Give me back the man.
Parson: Ye godless jaspers! Who are ya? Freemasons? Rosicrucians? Heathen emissaries from the depths of Babylon? Boozers! Gluttons! Gamblers! Fornicators!
Steve Bull: Whassa fornicator?
Haywood Holbrook: I dunno. I ain't a religious man.
Ben Rumson: Pardner, there comes a time when the party of the first part has no recourse but to knock some sense into the party of the second part! You're stayin'!
Pardner: Where I come from, Mr. Rumson, we're cautious of strangers who talk in an easy manner.
Rumson: Oh. You've got me down as some kind of low scuff from New Orleans, hm? Sell you patent medicine with one hand, pinch your purse with the other?
Pardner: Matter of fact, that's kind of what I was thinkin'.
Rumson: As a matter of fact, Pardner, you're right. But I ain't yet sunk to horse stealin'. Oh, I've salted claims, yeah. And I've sold whiskey to Injuns. And once a man in Walla Walla come at me with a gun and I killed him. I can't think of one commandment I ain't shattered regular. I never did fancy my mother and father, let alone respect 'em or honor 'em. And I have coveted my neighbor's wife - whenever I had a neighbor and he had a wife, mm, mmm! And I gamble and I cheat at cards, but there's one thing I do not do. I ain't never gulled a pardner. The one sacred thing, even to low scuff like me, is a man's pardner.
Ben Rumson: There's two kinds of people, them goin' somewhere and them goin' nowhere. And that's what's true.
Horace Tabor: Wait a minute! You can't buy a woman for money.
Mad Jack Duncan: You just try and get one without it.
Mad Jack Duncan: All right.
[grabs Jacob Woodling by the beard]
Mad Jack Duncan: What about it Mormons?
Sarah Woodling: [whispering] Jacob. We need every penny, Jacob. And I can't bear another day of those martyred looks. There. There it is again!
Elizabeth: This isn't a martyred look, Sarah. This look is puuuure - hatred.
Jacob Woodling: Quiet! Brigham Young has twenty seven wives and he hasn't had half the trouble with them that I've had with the two of you!
Elizabeth: Then simplify your life, Jacob. Sell me.
Jacob Woodling: But Elizabeth: you don't know what you'll get.
Elizabeth: I know what I've had.
[Partner has decided to remain behind with the settlers]
Ben Rumson: You say something nice to her for me, Par... What the hell is your name anyway?
Partner: It's Sylvester Newel. Yeah, just one 'l'.
Ben Rumson: Sylvester Newel. Well, that's a good name for a farmer.
Haywood Holbrook: Dearly beloved. We have gathered together to grant this man, Ben Rumson, exclusive title to this woman, Mrs. Elizabeth Woodling, and to all her mineral resources. I have drawn up this Record of Claim which here and henceforth will be recognized as a certificate of marriage. So I ask you Ben, do you recognize this claim as a contract of marriage and do you take this woman to love honor and cherish?
Pardner: [after long silence] Oh, he does.
Haywood Holbrook: Elizabeth Woodling, do you take this man, Ben Rumson, to love, honor and obey him until death do you part.
Pardner: She does.
Haywood Holbrook: I now pronounce you claimed and filed as Mr. and Mrs. Ben Rumson.
Miner: Hey, Ben! These men came all the way from Fiddler's Camp, just to see your wife.
Ben Rumson: Well, looks like I married myself a tourist attraction.
Horace Tabor: Is it your proposal, Mr. Rumson, that we knock out the stage driver, steal a coach, and kidnap six women?
Ben Rumson: Sounds better every time I hear it.
[shouted from clifftop to riverbed and back, very slowly]
Steve Bull: IS... THEY... DEAD...?
Ben Rumson: THEY... BETTER... BE... CAUSE... I'M... GONNA... BURY 'EM!
Rumson: I'm an ex-citizen of nowhere, and sometimes I get mighty homesick.
Mr. Fenty: Horton, how did that bottle get in your pocket? HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING HARD LIQUOR?
Horton: Well, since this afternoon. I know you don't approve, Pop, but believe me, until you've had a good cigar and a shot of whiskey, you're missing the second and third best things in life.
Pardner: Where'd you take him, Ben?
Elizabeth: Damn you, Ben Rumson. What are you going to teach this boy next? How to cheat at cards, or just physical education with one of Willie's floozies?
Horton: That's the best one, Pop!
Elizabeth: Is that what you did today, Ben?
Rumson: That's what *he* did today, Elizabeth! I tell you, that boy's got a talent for dissipation that is absolutely unique!
[On the fact that the Mormon settler has two wives]
Mad Jack: I got no quarrel with 'ow a man prays; there's enough room in 'ell for all of us! Wot I don't like is that you got two of somethin' the rest of us got none of!
Rumson: You show me in them commandments where it says a woman cain't have two husbands.
Pardner: There AIN'T no commandment like that.
Ben Rumson: Now, don't tell me you've never been with a woman.
Horton: No, sir I haven't.
Ben Rumson: Well, that, that's terrible! Did you know you could go blind?
Pardner: Ben, how's married life?
Ben Rumson: Pardner, it was so good that I forgot that I was married.
[Introduction to the song "They Call the Wind Mariah"]
Mad Jack Duncan: It's a living hell up here. What with the bloody rain, the bloody loneliness, and that bloody, bloody wind.
Horton: Mr. Rumson, I swore I wouldn't tell anyone. I hope that means except my father and mother.
Ben Rumson: That means especially your father and mother.
Horton: But I've never kept anything from them before.
Ben Rumson: Well, it's time you started. Because when you do, a whole new world opens up.
Pardner: [Horace Tabor has opposed Ben's plan to kidnap the French prostitutes] Horace is right,Ben ! We can't bring them women here. Why, you bring them here and the next thing you know, you got to build a place for them to stay, people will be coming in from all over and they'll need somewhere to stay. Schermehorn and these other merchants will have to stock up on suplies to sell. Then Willie will have to open a saloon or two with gambling and drinkin'. Why before you know it, this place will be a boom town and we don't want that!
Ben: [winking at Partner] Your right, Partner. I never thought of it that way. Why you can't expect people to put up with that! I apologize, boys; I never thought of what might happen if we bring in those five French tarts!
'Rotten Luck'Willie: [smiling] I call for a vote on Ben's proposal! Any man who votes against it is a traitor!
Pardner: What happens when you get in a fight?
Rumson: Well, if four of anything come at me at one time, you might lend a fist. Up until that I can pretty well take care of myself.
Elizabeth: I lived with a man who had two wives. Why can't a woman have two husbands?
Ben Rumson: [singing] A man has his creed, and mine is all greed!
Horton: [in a gambling hall/whorehouse] Pardon me, sir, could you lend me ten dollars?
Pardner: Why don't you go home and go to bed?
Horton: I was thinking of doing it the other way around.
Ben Rumson: Is they dead? They better be cause I'm fixin' to bury em'!
Mad Jack Duncan: I don't give a bloody damn how a man prays!
Mad Jack Duncan: There's enough room in hell for all of us!
[the saloon starts collapsing]
Rumson: Let's get out of here, I think this place is drunk!
Rumson: Hey, Willie, were's the future father of our country?
'Rotten Luck'Willie: Oh, he'll be along as soon as his parents go to sleep.
Rumson: Could you tell him that I want to see him?
'Rotten Luck'Willie: Leave your room door open at wait your turn like everyone else.
[Ben and Partner are walking through the mining camp]
Ben Rumson: Hi, Willy! How're things goin'?
'Rotten Luck'Willie: I ain't won a hand in two weeks.
Ben Rumson: (to Partner) They call him 'Rotten Luck' Willie. You couldn't beat him with five aces.
Pardner: Oh, I don't gamble.
Ben Rumson: Neither does he.
Chorus: [the hijacked stage coach carrying six prostitutes is approaching No Name City. The completely male population is scrubbing up in the creek and singing] There's a coach comin' in and you're smellin' like a steer.
Parson: [when some travelers have been newly rescued from hunger and cold] Rumson, I am entering your house to pray for the unfortunate victims.
Ben Rumson: Not tonight Parson, these folks have suffered enough. Now why don't you do that outside where God can hear you better, 'cause I'll be talking in here.
Mad Jack Duncan: You tell no one about what we're doing here, you get me? If you so much as breath a word about this, I'll put a stick of dynamite in your mouth, do you get me?
Horton: I swear before God...
Mad Jack Duncan: I said no one!
Ben Rumson: You mean to tell me you ain't never had a woman neither?
Horton: No, sir.
Ben Rumson: This is serious. You know you could go blind? Come here.
[to 'Rotten Luck' Willie]
Ben Rumson: Willie, if a young man was goin' trappin' for the first time and wanted a guide, somebody who would be patient with him and show him the way things are to be done; what kind of guide would you choose?
'Rotten Luck'Willie: [Thinking] Ah, that would be Gracie.