The Love Bug (1968)
Jim Douglas: Why is it the only food we have in this house is parrot food? I mean, we don't *have* a parrot.
Tennessee Steinmetz: Eat that! That's good. That's pressed kelp. That aerates your liver.
[a police car drives up as Jim stops Herbie from driving off the Golden Gate Bridge with Jim winding up on the car's hood]
Policeman on Bridge: [examining Jim's unconscious body on Herbie's hood] Boy, was he lucky. This little car saved his life.
Policeman on bridge: What do you mean the car saved his life?
Policeman on Bridge: Well, that's what it looked like for a moment there. I...
Policeman on Bridge: You know how funny things look in the fog sometimes?
Policeman on bridge: I think you've been up on that Haight-Ashbury beat too long.
[during the big race, Thorndyke and Havershaw have switched the signs leading to Placerville and the Lost Bonanza Mine]
Mr. Thorndyke: How true it is that the simplest ways are the best ways after all.
Havershaw: That's what I always say, sir.
Mr. Thorndyke: Oh, shut up.
Carole: Help! I'm a prisoner! I can't get out!
Van Hippy: We all prisoners, chickee-baby. We all locked in.
[Van Hippy looks over at his hippy partner, as Carole hits the window, with both palms]
Van Hippy: Huh, a couple of weirdos, Guenivere.
Mr. Thorndyke: I salute your honesty, my dear, a quality not necessarily to be despised.
[Tenessee's car is gone]
Jim Douglas: Where's the beast? You didn't cut up the Edsel!
[the Edsel grill is hanging on a rack with many cut up car parts]
Tennessee Steinmetz: Came over me all of a sudden. Seemed like the only decent thing do. Believe me, Jim, it'll be happier up there.
[Jim suddenly bursts into laughter]
Mr. Thorndyke: Havershaw, I'm not a cowardly man, but I get the feeling that thing is out to get me.
Havershaw: Now now, sir, none of that. We're not losing our nerve are we?
Mr. Thorndyke: BLAST you, Havershaw! How dare you patronize me! I am not losing my nerve!
Havershaw: No sir. No sir, of course not.
Mr. Thorndyke: Good sir, would you say this is a compact car?... You do not answer. Well, let me tell you that you've never heard of a compact car until you see what I'm going to do with this. Mr. Douglas, I have a friend with a claw-and-hook auto-wrecking company in San Francisco, and he's going to work on your car. Maybe he'll transform it into a birdbath. Or what about a nice doormat, so I can wipe my feet on it every day. It's too bad this thing doesn't have the gumption to get up to the starting line this morning. I should have enjoyed beating it.
[kicks Herbie again]
Tennessee Steinmetz: [croaking, grunting] AUWWW...!
Tennessee Steinmetz: [holding a pot full of coffee while using a welding iron to fire it up, and wearing big gloves] The trick is always remember to have asbestos gloves when you make coffee this way.
Tennessee Steinmetz: Herbie's all right.
Jim Douglas: Who's Herbie?
Tennessee Steinmetz: This little car. Named after my Uncle Herb. He used to box middleweight. Preliminary, mostly. Gradually, his nose got shaped more and more like to remind me of this little car. Do you mind?
Jim Douglas: [laughing with him] Whatever you say, Tennessee.
Tennessee Steinmetz: I'm not saying a mechanical thing, can't be a friend. Like when, I was broke one summer, and there was this giant claw-machine in the Sutro amusement park, and it would grab cameras and watches and drop 'em down a hole to me, and I would hock 'em and buy lunch. You followin' me?
Jim Douglas: Yeah, yeah... I think you were up on that mountaintop too long.
Tennessee Steinmetz: Contrariwise, the traffic light down the street hates my guts. I don't know why, but in the last six months, I haven't caught anything but a stop signal. And it makes me wait SIX SECONDS LONGER than anybody else; I timed it! 'Course, those things like that happen to lots of other people, too, but the other people, they don't tell no other people, because the other people, they'd say, "Hey-ey-ey-ey-ey."
Jim Douglas: Tennessee, that traffic light is a lot of nuts and bolts. This little car, a lot of nuts and bolts. Everything explains itself one way or the other.
Jim Douglas: I'd like another shot at that prize money. Okay for next Sunday?
Bice: No, Jim, it ain't okay.
Jim Douglas: Now, look, Bice, I know...
Bice: No, *you* look. All my drivers are eighteen, nineteen... You're too old for these kid sports. You're liable to get hurt in there.
Jim Douglas: What do you know? Engine stalled.
Carole: [tries to get out] How about that? Door's stuck. That's how it is with cars sometimes. I guess we'll have to wait and see what happens next.
Jim Douglas: Well, as someone very wisely once said, "That's how it is with cars sometimes."
Carole: I just said that.
Jim Douglas: Oh.
Jim Douglas: You don't understand what happens, do you? They make ten thousand cars, they make them exactly the same way, and one or two of 'em turn out to be something special. Nobody knows why.
Tennessee Steinmetz: I know why.
Jim Douglas: I may be kidding myself, but I think I can make something out of that sad little bucket of bolts.
[Thorndyke kicks not-yet-named "Herbie" the little white car in his shop]
Jim Douglas: What's that for?
Mr. Thorndyke: I beg your pardon!
Jim Douglas: Well, why don't you let the little car alone?
Mr. Thorndyke: Are you presuming to tell me what to do in my own establishment?
Jim Douglas: Ok, I'm out of line. It just bugs me to see somebody abusing a decent piece of machinery.
Jim Douglas: Has everybody gone nuts around here? I can understand how Tennessee feels, he's just in off a flying saucer.
Carole: I wonder if your reputation is altogether true.
Jim Douglas: What's my reputation?
Carole: Well, I've heard that Jim Douglas is only interested in fast cars and easy money.
Jim Douglas: Not true.
Jim Douglas: Mm-hmm. You know something else?
Jim Douglas: When the light hits you just right, you're as beautiful as General Grant on a fifty-dollar bill.
Mr. Thorndyke: At a time like this, whatever kind of time it is, I always say money serves to ease the pain.
[Jim brings the malfunctioning Herbie back to Thorndyke. It accidentally bangs against Thorndyke's Rolls Royce and stops. Jim gets out]
Mr. Thorndyke: Have you gone mad?
Jim Douglas: Okay, what's the joke?
Mr. Thorndyke: What do you mean?
Jim Douglas: I don't know how you rigged it, but I'm sure that car is a real cut-up when a convention comes to town.
Mr. Thorndyke: What in the name of...
Jim Douglas: If I'd wanted a trick car, I would have bought one at a joke shop.
Mr. Thorndyke: [as Carole joins him] Allow me to say that I haven't the slightest idea what you're talking about. You come billowing up in that beastly little car, and assault my personal Rolls Royce.
Jim Douglas: ...I brought it back! I want my money, I want the papers I signed, and then I'll get outta here, and you two clowns can, can have your little laugh.
Carole: Mr. Douglas, if there is anything wrong with the car, would you be good enough to tell me what it is?
Jim Douglas: Well, there's nothing essentially wrong with the car. It's just that it wants to go one way and I'd like to go the other.
Mr. Thorndyke: Well, whatever it is, none of it is covered in our guilt-headed guarantee.
Jim Douglas: Oh, I'm sure of that.
Jim Douglas: [on the phone] Yeah, yeah, Thorndyke. I know what you did to my car. You need your brains kicked out.
Bice: You used to be a big-track driver, ain't you got no pride?
Jim Douglas: I ran out of pride when I ran out of cars.
Mr. Wu: I think now is chance to remove egg fu yung off of face.
Carole: [Herbie is acting up] Will you stop the car, please?
Jim Douglas: I'm trying! Look!
[he tries to take the key out and press the brakes]
Jim Douglas: It's just like I told you! This thing is starting to act up again.
Carole: How very odd; when I was driving, there was no problem whatsoever.
Tennessee Steinmetz: Jim, it's happening right under our noses and we can't see it. We take machines and we stuff 'em with information until they're smarter than we are. Take a car. Most guys spread more love and time and money on their car in a week than they do on their wife and kids in a year. Pretty soon, you know what? The machine starts to think it *is* somebody.
Carole: Have you had much experience with cars?
Jim Douglas: Look, lady, by profession, I'm a racing driver.
Carole: Oh, *that* Jim Douglas.
Jim Douglas: What do you mean, "*that* Jim Douglas"?
Carole: Let's see, two years ago, at Laguna Seca, you spun out and hung a beautiful Buick Special on the back fence. At Willow Springs, was it a year ago... last February, you sprayed a Lotus all over the infield.
Jim Douglas: How do you know all that?
Carole: I have trouble with names and faces, but I never forget a car.
Carole: You aren't winning any of those races! You couldn't win a game of marbles against a 12-toed myopic rhinoceros!
Carole: Mr. Douglas needs a car, and for a very low amount down and the usual monthly payments, the car will become his.
Mr. Thorndyke: Very well, even though my personal inclination is to have Mr. Douglas clapped into jail and this four-wheeled contrivance dropped into the Bay!
[during the big race, Thorndyke's car bumps Herbie off the road and down a hill]
Havershaw: What happened to it?
Mr. Thorndyke: I'd say it's gone for that last big lube job up yonder.
Tennessee Steinmetz: [Thorndyke's car blares by, with a bear sitting in Havershaw's place in the passenger seat] Who's the guy in the fur-coat?
Detective: [to Jim, about the not-yet-named "Herbie" white VW bug] Forgive me for pointing, but have you ever seen that car before?
Jim Douglas: No. No, I haven't.
Tennessee Steinmetz: Hey, he's a cute little fellow.
Jim Douglas: [takes another look] Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. I think I saw that car at an agency yesterday.
Detective: Now, permit me to inform you of the following: first, say nothing that would jeopardize your constitutional rights. And second, the minute that you get downtown, I would advise that you find a good lawyer. Shall we go?
Jim Douglas: Go? What for?
Detective: On suspicion of grand theft.
Jim Douglas: Now wait a minute, there's something cockeyed about this. How did that little car get here?
Detective: I share your curiosity. Shall we go?
Carole: Excuse me, Mr. Thorndyke, but if I sold this gentleman the car, I feel a certain responsibility.
Carole: Do you mind if I try it?
[Jim nods and motions her to go ahead; they go over to the VW Bug]
Mr. Thorndyke: [shocked] Miss Bennett! Our dinner engagement!
Carole: [getting in] I won't be a minute.
[Thorndyke's car nudged Herbie so that one of its wheels comes off]
Tennessee Steinmetz: [seeing wheel] Hey! Where'd that wheel come from?
Tennessee Steinmetz: It's a matter of talking their language. You have a little feel for tradition and some courtesy, you'd be surprised, you can unscrew the "unscrutable".
[Tennessee Steinmitz spoke Chinese, slowly to Mister Wu. Then when Tennessee spoke English, to Jim Douglas, Mr Wu quickly speaks]
Mr. Wu: Now, you speak my language.
Flabbergasted Driver: [seeing Jim sticking his feet out of the window of the moving volkswagen] What's the matter? You from L.A. or something?
Mr. Thorndyke: [to Carole as he is about to enter a road race against Jim] You keep your eye on your friend in the Bug, my dear - I'm going to squash him!
Havershaw: [Thorndyke and Havershaw are stopping in the middle of the race to have some chilled wine] You know something about champagne, sir?
Mr. Thorndyke: Havershaw, if you tell me that the bubbles tickle your nose, I shall probably kill you!
Tennessee Steinmetz: [Thorndyke has a bear in his car and not Havershaw] Who's the guy in the fur coat?