The Benny Hill Show (1969–1989)
Housewife: No, I'm wearing black for my poor, departed husband.
Milkman: Oh... how long's he been gone?
Housewife: Ten minutes. He won't be back till 1.
Nicholas Parsons: Are Thames executives against attractive nude women?
Fred Scuttle: Not as often as they'd like to be!
[Andree Melly talks to Mervyn Cruddy at the N.F.T]
Andree Melly: I think for me, the most memorable moment in films was when you played the doctor to that sick family.
Mervyn Cruddy: "Inherit the Wind." Yes, I remember.
Andree Melly: Opposite Margaret Lockwood's nurse . . .
Mervyn Cruddy: That's right. Yes, I know what you're going to say, the scene in the operating theatre.
Andree Melly: That's the scene. You kissed her when she least expected it.
Mervyn Cruddy: I beg your pardon?
Andree Melly: You kissed her when she least expected it.
Mervyn Cruddy: Oh, I thought you said 'where'.
Mervyn Cruddy: I don't care what anybody says, you know, about these common-market Romeos, for my money the greatest lover in the world is the Englishman.
Andree Melly: Well, surely it's the Frenchman who has that reputation, the way he'll kiss a girls hand, and then her cheek, her neck, and then here ears...
Mervyn Cruddy: By that time, the Englishman's coming home from his honeymoon, I'd say!
Blanche: Drink and sex. That's what killed your uncle - drink and sex!
Harry: Yeah. He couldn't get either, so he shot himself.
Director Sam Speiler: [reminiscing about an actress who was in one of his films] Oh God, she couldn't sing, she couldn't dance, she couldn't act . . .
Lesley Goldie: Well, what could she do?
Director Sam Speiler: With difficulty, stand up!
Traveller: I say, is this Platt's Bottom?
Toddy: No, it's not, it's mine!
Traveller: Well, where do I find Platt's Bottom?
Toddy: Well, you don't start from there!
Traveller: Well, which direction is it?
Toddy: I don't know.
Paddy: Me neither.
Traveller: You're not very bright, are you?
Chirpy Chuckles: No, but we ain't lost!
Sheriff Bill Jardine: Hey, do we know Ace Dickey?
Deputy Leroy: Yeah. Did five years for statutory rape.
Sheriff Bill Jardine: Why now, anybody who rapes a statue deserves what he gets!
Henry McGee: [referring to Scuttle's fellow astronaut] How old is he?
Captain Fred Scuttle: Fifty-eight. He's a late developer.
Henry McGee: He looks older.
Captain Fred Scuttle: Well, he worries a lot.