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Yours, Mine and Ours (1968) Poster

Quotes

Colleen North: [Helen is about to have a baby] I know this is a terrible time to talk about it, but Larry says...

Frank Beardsley: I've got a message for Larry. You tell him this is what it's all about. This is the real happening. If you want to know what love really is, take a look around you.

Helen North: What are you two talking about?

Frank Beardsley: Take a good look at your mother.

Helen North: Not now!

Frank Beardsley: Yes, now.

[to Colleen]

Frank Beardsley: It's giving life that counts. Until you're ready for it, all the rest is just a big fraud. All the crazy haircuts in the world won't keep it turning. Life isn't a love in, it's the dishes and the orthodontist and the shoe repairman and... ground round instead of roast beef. And I'll tell you something else: it isn't going to a bed with a man that proves you're in love with him; it's getting up in the morning and facing the drab, miserable, wonderful everyday world with him that counts.

[Leaving the house, they say good-bye to the little kids]

Frank Beardsley: I suppose having 19 kids is carrying it a bit too far, but if we had it to do over who would we skip... you?

Helen North: [getting into the car] Thank you, Frank. I never quite knew how to explain it to her.

Frank Beardsley: If we don't get you to the hospital fast, the rest of it's going to be explained right here!

Frank Beardsley: [narrating] It was a typical wedding: enemies of the bride on the right, enemies of the groom on the left.

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Jean North: You mean he doesn't know about us?

Helen North: Well, of course he does, darling!

Jean North: All of us?

Colleen North: Oh, Mother, that's so romantic! You lied to him!

Helen North: I did not lie to him! I just didn't have the nerve to tell him the whole truth!

Colleen North: Mmm, I understand! No man wants a liaison with a woman with eight children!

Janette North: What's a liaison?

Colleen North: An affair.

Janette North: That's what I thought.

Jean North: Me too.

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Phillip North: I'm legal!

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Sister Mary Alice: I got here as fast as I could, Sister Mary. What is it this time?

Sister Mary Alice: Why don't you ask Phillip?

Helen North: Phillip?

[Phillip turns around revealing a black eye]

Helen North: Darling! What happened?

Phillip North: Nothing.

Helen North: Who did that to you?

Phillip North: One of the kids.

[points at Sister Mary]

Phillip North: *She* started it. She says I'm not legal.

Helen North: What?

Phillip North: And Mike isn't my brother.

Helen North: Of course he's your brother.

Phillip North: Then my name's Phillip Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: Phillip North.

Phillip North: There she goes again.

Sister Mary Alice: Sister, couldn't you - couldn't you just call him Phillip Beardsley?

Sister Mary Alice: I'm sorry, but the school requires that we use their legal names.

Phillip North: Let's go to another school.

Helen North: Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it's North.

Sister Mary Alice: But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North.

Helen North: Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North!

Helen North: Beardsley, Beardsley, Beardsley!

Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.

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Helen North: [getting ready for her date with Frank] Good heavens! What did you do to this dress?

Colleen North: Oh, Mother, it was practically an antique!

Janette North: We just shortened it a little.

Helen North: A little? I look like a teeny-bopper!

Janette North: What's wrong with that?

Helen North: I can't go out like this!

Jean North: Why not? Your legs are better than mine.

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Family Doctor: Call my wife, will you, and tell her I'm on my way home?

[beat]

Family Doctor: And tell her thank you.

Frank Beardsley: For what?

Family Doctor: We don't have any children.

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Helen North: Frank, there's something I have to tell you before we go any further. I have eight children.

[sudden panic]

Helen North: Frank! We're on a cable car!

Frank Beardsley: Of course.

Helen North: I get sick on cable cars!

Frank Beardsley: Well wait'll you hear what I have to tell you. I have TEN children.

Helen North: Ten. TEN? Frank! Eight and ten is...

Frank Beardsley: Ridiculous.

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Warrant Officer Darrel Harrison: [after Helen's false eyelash falls into her drink] Your Irish coffee is *winking* at me.

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Howard Beardsley: Is, uh, is this the Beardsleys' new house?

Nancy Beardsley: We've come to deliver the babies.

Family Doctor: Oh, have a heart! Leave them on somebody else's doorstep.

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Helen North: [drunk] Boy, if this damn room would stop rolling around maybe I could find some place to be sick!

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Family Doctor: [Helen is pregnant, but Mike doesn't know] How's your mother?

Mike Beardsley: You mean my stepmother. Oh, she's fine, I guess.

Family Doctor: No morning sickness?

Mike Beardsley: No, doc, I feel fine.

Family Doctor: Not you, your mother!

Mike Beardsley: Well, why should she have mor - ? Morning sickness!

[rolls his eyes in disbelief]

Family Doctor: We need a sample of your blood.

Mike Beardsley: Take it all!

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Mike Beardsley: [confronting Helen about her pregnancy] You knew about it Christmas Day, didn't you?

Helen North: Yes.

Mike Beardsley: And you still let Dad ship out. Why?

Helen North: He wanted so much to go. Two people can't live with an ocean between them for the rest of their lives.

Mike Beardsley: Do you really want this baby?

Helen North: Very much. You see, he won't have to worry whether he's a Beardsley or a North.

[Mike nods his head in understanding]

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Frank Beardsley: We've decided to use our company manners. Helen, the boys have something to say to you.

Greg Beardsley: Mrs. North, I apologize for putting all that gin in your drink.

Helen North: Ooh, *that's* what did it.

Rusty Beardsley: And I apologize for all that vodka.

Mike Beardsley: And I apologize for the scotch.

Helen North: Scotch, vodka, and - ?

Frank Beardsley: Helen, you've been the victim of an alcoholic Pearl Harbor. It's amazing you survived at all.

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Colleen North: Larry says he'll never speak to me again unless I grow up. He says that I'm being ridiculous and I don't love him, but I do love him. Am I being ridiculous?

Frank Beardsley: You're not being ridiculous.

Colleen North: Well, do all the other girls, like Larry says? And am I just being old-fashioned?

Frank Beardsley: The same idiots were passing the same rumors when I was your age, but if all the girls did, how come I always ended up with the ones who didn't?

Colleen North: But it's all different now!

Frank Beardsley: I don't know, they wrote Fanny Hill in 1742 and they haven't found anything new since.

Veronica Beardsley: Who's Fanny Hill?

Frank Beardsley: Go to bed, that's who Fanny Hill is.

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Frank Beardsley: Is that all? Why didn't she tell me?

Helen North: Because you would have said, "Is that all?".

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Helen North: Your blues and greens are wonderful, but your he's and she's got a little mixed up.

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Frank Beardsley: I don't quite understand. Am I being stupid?

Helen North: No, you're being a man. Which is sometimes the same thing.

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Frank Beardsley: [narrating why his ten kids resent him] Truthfully, I think they blamed me for neglecting their mother all those years. But there seemed to me that there was enough physical evidence I hadn't neglected her completely!

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Helen North: That was a wonderful dinner, I enjoyed all *eight* courses.

Frank Beardsley: So did I.

Helen North: And speaking of children...

Frank Beardsley: We weren't speaking of children.

Helen North: We weren't? Oh thank goodness.

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Frank Beardsley: This is the last time I'm going to bring it up but... you do like children, don't you?

Helen North: Yeah, within reason.

Frank Beardsley: In that case, the hell with it.

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Helen North: Sister, I, uh, I understand your legal problem, but you must try to understand mine. You see, I'm trying to bring two families together, and this is the first sign that I may be succeeding. So I really would appreciate it if you'd let Phillip sign his name Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: But legally, it's North.

Helen North: But it's more important that emotionally, it's Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North.

Helen North: Beardsley.

Sister Mary Alice: North.

Helen North: Beardsley! Beardsley! Beardsley!

Phillip North: Watch out, Mom. You might get a black eye.

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