Jacob Schpitendavel: Louis Minsky, thou art father to the Minsky what has the theater?
Louis Minsky: Yes.
Jacob Schpitendavel: If I were thee, I would thrash thy son to within an inch of his life.
Louis Minsky: You are not me, and you may still do it.
Jacob Schpitendavel: I do not know, Louis Minsky, if we pray to the same God.
Louis Minsky: We must. Only a God who could tolerate me, could possibly tolerate you.
Jacob Schpitendavel: Louis Minsky, if you do not now go at once to prevent thy son from bringing my daughter to such ignominy, I shall, as Agnon
Jacob Schpitendavel: did, raise the finger of righteousness
[raises index finger]
Jacob Schpitendavel: to call down the wrath of heaven.
Vance Fowler: My father, an Episcopal vestryman, used this
[raises pinkie finger]
Vance Fowler: as the finger of righteousness.
Louis Minsky: Bah! And again, Bah! There is no finger of righteousness. This
[raises pinkie and turns it in his ear]
Louis Minsky: is the finger of cleanliness. This
[raises ring finger]
Louis Minsky: is the finger of marital bliss
[points to wedding band]
Louis Minsky: . This
Louis Minsky: is the finger of vengeance. This
[levels middle finger toward Fowler, palm downward]
Louis Minsky: is the finger of meddling in other people's lives
[pokes Fowler in chest with middle finger]
Louis Minsky: . And this
[sticks out thumb]
Louis Minsky: is the finger of transportation. It will get us a taxi to the theater. You speak with the fist of authority, gentlemen, but you do not know your fingers.
Jacob Schpitendavel: Whore! To stand thus so prideful, with thy, thy protuberances. How thou dost shame me.
Rachel Schpitendavel: About the protuberances, papa. I think the Lord might feel different from you, since He's the one who gave me them.
Raymond Paine: Ha, ha, ha, ha, you've met a girl. Ah, Chick, my boy, when it comes to girls you have three qualities that are far worse than being short and funny-looking. You have the curse of the three D's: you are decent, devoted and dependable. Good qualities in a dog, disastrous in a man. Women like bastards.
Chick Williams: No wonder they *love* you.
Raymond Paine: Yes, I'm a BFC - Bastard First Class.
Jacob Schpitendavel: I need your help, Louis Minsky. My daughter will not be welcome in my home if she stays the night to dance upon your son's stage. There is a train in 51 minutes. You must tell your son to see she is on it.
Louis Minsky: You see this chair? Tell it to dance. See if it listens. That's how much my Billy listens to me.
Rachel Schpitendavel: I'm some handy for dancing.
Raymond Paine: I'll bet. Hey, ummm, what kind of dancing are you handy for?
Rachel Schpitendavel: I dance stories from the Bible.
Raymond Paine: From the Bible?
Professor Spats: It's a book civilians read on Sundays.
Rachel Schpitendavel: [about Raymond's apartment] My, how warm and how small it is.
Raymond Paine: [laughing] Yeah, so small, I have to go out into the hall to change my mind.
Jacob Schpitendavel: [raising his index finger] Louis Minsky, if you do not now go at once to prevent thy son from bringing my daughter to such ignominy, I shall, as Agnon did, raise the finger of righteousness to call down the wrath of the heavens.
Vance Fowler: [raising his pinky finger] My father, an Episcopal vestryman, used this as the finger of righteousness.
Louis Minsky: [to Fowler, then to Schpitendavel] Bah! And again, Bah! There is no finger of righteousness.
Louis Minsky: [raising his pinky finger and turning it in his ear] This is the finger of cleanliness.
Louis Minsky: [pointing to his ring finger] This is the finger of marital bliss.
Louis Minsky: [raising his index finger] This is the finger of vengeance.
Louis Minsky: [leveling his middle finger, poking Fowler in the chest] This is the finger of meddling in other people's lives.
Louis Minsky: [sticking up his thumb, then forming his hand into a fist] And this is the finger of transportation. It will get us a taxi to the theater. You speak with the fist of authority, gentlemen, but you do not know your fingers.
Chick Williams: [Raymond and Chick enter the Deli] Raymond, this is stupid. May I have your attention please.
Raymond Paine: Louder.
Chick Williams: May I have your attention please. Announcing the presence, in your midst, of America's number one straight man, top personality in Burlesque, the inimitable... Raymond Paine.
Raymond Paine: [prompting Chick] Applause, applause.
Raymond Paine: [Chick applauds, alone] Ah, thank you, friends. Thank you, and may I say, your sincerity is exceeded only by your vulgarity. Hi ya, Billy. Hello, Mr Minsky.
Billy Minsky: [Raymond and Chick sit down at Billy and Louis Minsky's table] Look, I pay you to be funny, not nauseating. That was nauseating.
Chick Williams: I'm sorry, Billy, I just lost a bet.
Chick Williams: [Haggling with junk dealer Fliegelmann over a prop snake they need for the show] He's got one snake left. Six bucks.
Raymond Paine: [preoccupied with Rachel] Great, let's take it. He can send it to the theater.
Chick Williams: [bargaining light-heartedly] I think six is too much. You're too high, Fliegelmann, I will not pay it.
Raymond Paine: You tell him, Chick.
Mr. Flegelman: I get six for them all the time.
Chick Williams: It's not worth more than four. Down the street, I saw it for three.
Mr. Flegelman: Well, so, go buy it down the street.
Chick Williams: I would, but they're all out.
Mr. Flegelman: If I was all out, you could have it for two. Heh, heh. Here, I'll tell you what I'll do. Five.
Chick Williams: Four.
Mr. Flegelman: Look at the workmanship. Ten days it takes to make such a snake.
Chick Williams: Ten days! It only took six days to make the world!
Mr. Flegelman: But look at the way this is made. Is that seam perfect?
Chick Williams: The seam's perfect.
Mr. Flegelman: And look at the world!
Rachel Schpitendavel: [Raymond is moving fast to seduce Rachel before he has to go on stage again] One thing I wish only. But then it is asking too much.
Raymond Paine: What?
Rachel Schpitendavel: I dreamed that the first time, there would be a sign to tell me it is right.
Raymond Paine: A sign?
Rachel Schpitendavel: From Him. A sign. The Lord moves in wondrous ways.
Raymond Paine: Yeah, well, uh, why do you want to talk about things like that? We're not here to pray.
[Rachel stiffens, and pulls away]
Raymond Paine: Hey, look, I've heard of everything, but a man and a woman with normal desires hanging around waiting for a sign...
Rachel Schpitendavel: Did I say to wait? Did I?
Raymond Paine: No. But you've got that stained-glass look in your eye.
Scratch: [the classic "Crazy House" Burlesque sketch is presented on stage] What kind of a joint is this?
Minsky Girl playing Insane Asylum Nurse: Why, this is an asylum.
Scratch: Oh no.
Minsky Girl playing Insane Asylum Nurse: Don't be silly, sir. Crazy people can't hurt you.
Scratch: No, but they can make you hurt yourself!