General R.A. Smight: You can't give blood to a member of your own family.
Jack Christian: Why can't I?
General R.A. Smight: Why can't you? Why can't you?
Jack Christian: That was my question, yes.
General R.A. Smight: Well because that's, that's... That's incest.
MacPhisto: The poem that I just recited to you was composed in a hospital in Burma as I lay close to death, having been savagely beaten by a... a horde of outraged Belgian tourists. You will find this poem in my collected verse entitled... "Forests of Flesh".
T.M. Christian: Now look you people! This isn't some godforsaken border town where you can just, uh, go about as you please and, and bother innocent people and do... do... do... Mexican things!
T.M. Christian: I know what the kids call me behind my back.
Candy Christian: The kids don't call you anything behind your back, daddy.
T.M. Christian: That's exactly what I mean. All the other teachers in this school have nicknames. I'm just plain old Mr. Christian.
MacPhisto: I... am MacPhisto.
Candy Christian: Hello, I am Candy, Candy Christian.
MacPhisto: Candy... beautiful name, it has the spirit and the sound of the Old Testament.
Candy Christian: This hospital is filled with very sick people!
Grindl: They say in my country that the centipede has a thousand legs but he cannot tapdance.
Candy Christian: I don't quite see the connection.
Grindl: Well, it loses a little something in translation.
Dr. A.B. Krankheit: [standing directly behind Candy while holding her hips] Now bend forward slowly.
Candy Christian: [while bending] Ah-Oooooooooo.
Dr. A.B. Krankheit: I'll tell you when to say Oooo.
Grindl: [Candy lies before Grindl] There is a place where the immutable self resides. We must search. Now, could it be here?
[places hands on Candy's head]
Grindl: No, I do not think so. Perhaps it is here.
[squeezes Candy's right breast]
Candy Christian: [surprised] m-m-m-m-m-mmm.
Grindl: No, wrong again
[squeezes Candy's left breast]
Candy Christian: Mmmm-m-ah.
Grindl: No. Or here.
[grabs Candy's crotch]
Candy Christian: [sharp intake of breath] No. I think, I mean it seems to me couldn't be there
Grindl: I think it is. So soon, we found it so soon! It must be a sign!
MacPhisto: Oh for God's sake, Need can't be kept waiting. Need is here. Need... is now!
Jack Christian: Hey, did you see this one on the first bike?
Livia: She looks like an ad in that magazine you get.
Jack Christian: Whips and Chains?
Livia: No, the other one, Leatherladies.
Jack Christian: Oh, you're right, she does!
General R.A. Smight: Who were they, hm? I couldn't see much down there but I could see enough to tell that they were scum. Were they Albanians?
Jack Christian: Oh, no, no, no it was just a personal thing.
General R.A. Smight: I got a nose for Albanians. They looked like Albanians to me.
Jack Christian: No, no, they were just some Mexicans.
General R.A. Smight: [after his men have just counted off] Pretty damned impressive, right?
Jack Christian: I'll say. All those men counting right up to 24 without a single mistake.
Jack Christian: Nobody loves your daddy any more than I do. I'd chop off my right arm for him.
Livia: You're left handed.
Jack Christian: Well, that's beside the point.
Dr. A.B. Krankheit: His mental capacity will be reduced to the level comparable to that of a rather mature cucumber.
Dr. A.B. Krankheit: Good God, Harris, watch what you're doing! You're a brain surgeon, not a gynecologist!
Dr. A.B. Krankheit: You must remember that scientifically speaking the only difference between life and death is that death lasts a lot longer.
Dr. Arnold Dunlap: I majored in abnormal psychology and I know orgies when I see them. I also know depravity and indecency and, I might ad, in flagrante delicto!
Candy Christian: I don't know what that means.
Dr. Arnold Dunlap: It means that you are to leave this place immediately.
Dr. Arnold Dunlap: In my book you are a tart! A tramp! A trollop! A... teenager.
Nurse Bullock: You'd better let go of me or I'll break every bone in your pelvis.
Dr. A.B. Krankheit: You're trying to out diagnose a world renowned surgeon who has attended eight institutions of higher education and who has more degrees than a thermometer.
Jonathan J. John: I have now filmed 112 people saying the word 'no'.
Candy Christian: But I don't know anything about acting.
Jonathan J. John: Neither does the Grand Canyon, but that doesn't keep anyone from looking at it.
Charlie the cop: Did you see what happened to the girl in the blue dress?
Jonathan J. John: Who directed it?
Charlie the cop: [the Hunchback juggler has just disappeared through a painting] Just one of those old, stereo-realists tricks, Sarge.
Grindl: Do not put your material shoes under holy water!
Candy Christian: What shall I do with them?
Grindl: Throw them into the material world!
MacPhisto: I wonder if you'd allow me to drive you home.
Candy Christian: That would be nice.
MacPhisto: Where do you live?
Candy Christian: Eighty three fifty seven and a half Schweitzer Terrace.
MacPhisto: Uhh. Zero, can you find eighty three...
Candy Christian: Fifty seven and a half.
MacPhisto: Fifty seven and a half Schweitzer Terrace.
Zero: Got ya, man.
MacPhisto: That was Zero.
Candy Christian: Your driver?
MacPhisto: No, my friend. Several years ago, I was on a lectured tour of the Congo. One day after having delivered some of my works to Earl, an audience of not less than seven hundred "gonorite" warriors, a uh, uh, a fierce but poet loving tribe. I stumbled out into a clearing and saw an unfortunate native being attacked by a giant bush python. The man was already half digested when I ran to him, took him by the shoulders and tore him from the jaws of the slavering beast, and destroyed the animal with one slash of my ball-point pen. After sixteen delicate operations on his feet and mind, Zero was able to walk again. We have been together ever since.
Candy Christian: I saw that story Tuesday night on the TV movie of the week.
MacPhisto: In that case, I saved Zero from a lunch mob three years ago in Shreveport, Louisiana. The rope was already about his neck and then I started speaking my epic, The Brotherhood of Man in English, and then, and then in Welsh. It changed their minds and their lives. There is now a fully integrated school system in Shreveport, Louisiana. And Zero and I...
Candy Christian: Have been together ever since?