Quotes

[catchphrase]

Jo Anne: IS THAT A CHICKEN JOKE?

[repeated line]

Dan Rowan: Go to your room!

[repeated line]

Judy Carne: It's not fair.

[after getting doused with a bucket of water]

[repeated line]

Dan Rowan: Look THAT up in your Funk and Wagnall's.

Dick Martin: You bet your sweet bippy.

Ernestine, the telephone operator: One ringy-dingy. Two ringy-dingies.

Ernestine, the telephone operator: And as a special favor, I'm enclosing our three-color brochure on phone etiquette. You might find it useful.

Dinah Shore: If Ida Lupino married Don Ho she'd be Ida Ho.

Liberace: I bet my sweet bippy and lost it.

Goldie Hawn: I don't see why there should be any question about capital punishment. I think everyone in the capital should be punished.

Alan Sues: Hey, Goldie, does the high cost of living bother you?

Goldie Hawn: No, I live on the ground-floor apartment.

[first lines of the show]

Announcer: What you're about to see is true.

[the word false appears on the screen, a man moves arrows on the clock in the back so it reads 8:00]

Announcer: Only names and faces have been left unchanged... to protect the innocent.

Dan Rowan: Hey, Goldie, would you ever go on a hunger strike?

Goldie Hawn: No, I couldn't, I'm on a diet.

Judy Carne: I love Joan Baez, I got her autographed fingerprints.

Jo Anne: Boris says, "Capitalism doesn't work." But neither does Boris.

Eileen: If they take the violence off TV, the kids won't have anything to watch on Saturday Morning.

Barbara Feldon: We really learned the 3 Rs "Reading, Writing, and Rhythm".

Announcer: This show was prerecorded earlier, because it didn't make much sense to prerecorded it later.

German Soldier: Very interesting, not very funny, but very interesting.

Cast: [repeated jingle] What's the news across the nation/We have got the information/in a way we hope will amuse - you - /We just love to give you our views/La da de da/Ladies and Gents, Laugh-In looks at the news!

Dan Rowan: [as the News of the Future anchor] Berlin, 20 years from now, 1989. There was dancing in the streets today as East Germany finally tore down the Berlin Wall. The joy was short-lived, however, as the wall was quickly replaced with a moat full of alligators.

Judy Carne: [as a switchboard operator answering the phone] NBC, beautiful downtown Burbank.

Judy Carne: I'll always call England the mother country, whether the queen takes the pill or not.

Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Post Office?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Spin the Bottle?

[Gladys hits him]

Tyrone F. Horneigh: Would you like to play Doctor?

[falls off the park bench]