One Life to Live (1968–2013)
Joey: I'm really sorry about your father Jen.
Jen: Uh. Look if you came here to pray, I'm not interested.
Natalie: Everything's going to be fine, guys. Just - just do what he says.
Flash: How can you be so calm?
Natalie: I don't know if I am calm, okay? I just - I've been through worse.
Flash: Yeah? Like what?
Natalie: Oh, like being strapped to a table and your grandfather ready to cut your heart out.
Flash: Oh. Yeah, you got me beat, then. Never mind.
Antonio: What would you call that, Jessica?
Jessica: Doing what I have to do. Mitch has hurt my family in every way possible and I want to make sure that not only does he pay, that he never hurts my family again.
Antonio: Oh yeah? Well, not tonight you're not.
Natalie: I don't know, something twisted. I mean, this whole place is twisted. It's like some twisted shrine of him and mother. What'd you do down here, gramps? Count your money and stare at yourself while groping at your daughter? Bastard!
Jessica: Do you know what an evil, lying tramp Shawna is?
Rex: Yeah. That's why I like her.
Marcie: All my life, Al, nobody has even been attracted to me.
Al: Well, listen, those days are over, Marcie.
[Viki and Dorian imagine themselves as each other. In Viki's dream of her life as Dorian, Kelly and Blair end up in a catfight and Starr interrupts the melee]
Starr: My anaconda's eating Jack! What do I do?
[In Dorian's dream of her life as Viki, Kevin inquires about his "mummy's" life]
Kevin: Mother, what brings you here?
Dorian-as-Viki: I've lost my beloved Llanfair... again.
Kevin: Again? What happened? Was it fire? Did Mitch Laurence come back from the dead? Did Victor Lord come back from the dead? Did someone come back from the dead?
Lindsay Farrell Rappaport Buchanan: Today is not a good day to be pushing my buttons.
Georgina Whitman #1: Well, what about tomorrow?
Lindsay Farrell Rappaport Buchanan: Tomorrow doesn't look good either.
Margaret Cochran #2: [after shooting Todd in the legs twice] Stop making me shoot you!
River Garvey Carpenter #4: [to Dorian] Grandma, you are wicked cool!
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: River, please, the 'G' word
River Garvey Carpenter #4: Sorry... Dorian
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: David, could you please, please leave us alone? Thank you.
David Vickers: By all means.
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: And, David dear, would you close the doors behind you?
David Vickers: Yeah, not your butler.
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: I've got to meet the Chief of Staff of the hospital. He wants to talk to me about a position there. You know what this means?
David Vickers: Free tetanus shots?
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: Honestly, I wasn't with another man, I swear.
David Vickers: You swear on what?
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: I swear on my desk, on the family pictures, on the statue, on
[sees a silver candlestick poking out of David's bag]
Dr. Dorian Cramer Lord Callison Santi Vickers Hayes Laurence #3: ... My candlestick in your luggage?
David Vickers: [fake surprise] What's your candlestick doing in my luggage?
Todd Manning (aka Todd Lord: Must be nice living in a world of newspapers; all your people in black and white.
Margaret Cochran #2: [disguised as Blair] I'm not Peggy! I'm Blair Cramer Buchanan Manning Holden... did I forget a Manning in there? Oh well. Doesn't matter.
David Vickers: [getting blamed for not realizing Mark was gay] Don't look at me. How was I supposed to know? He wasn't wearing a baseball hat that said "gay" on it.
Lee Dennison Halpern Sanders: [Bo is taking some policemen to try to find Blair] All right, now, let's go.
David Vickers: Bo, don't neglect to turn on your lights and your siren. I will be right behind.
David Vickers: This is a seminal moment for me. I'll be chasing a police car instead of it chasing me. Let's go.
Adam Chandler, Sr.: Talking to you would be a waste of my breath, David.
David Vickers: Continue to talk to me, waste your breath, because if you waste your breath, you just might drop dead.
Victoria "Viki/Blondie" Lord Riley Lord Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson #3: Oh, Clint, I forgot to tell you... Jessie's pregnant.
Clint Buchanan #2: Who's the father?
Victoria "Viki/Blondie" Lord Riley Lord Buchanan Buchanan Carpenter Davidson #3: We don't know. We don't even know who the mother is.
Doctor Michael McBain: So... my brother, the police detective, wants his brother, the doctor, to perform an autopsy. An illegal autopsy. Off the record, with *no* permission at all, and, *and* against every possible legal and ethical rule in *both* our professions. This is it, huh? This is how it happens, right? This is how the McBain boys go right down the tube.
Detective John McBain: We could always enroll in that truck-driving school.
Rex Balsom: [talking about Tommy] We didn't do anything... except find out and not tell anyone about him being a kidnapped baby. That would make us accessories.
Adriana Colón Cramer #2: I don't like that word, accessory.
Rex Balsom: I thought you loved it. With your furry vest and fuzzy hat.
David Vickers: Do you happen to have a room available?
Roxy Balsom: Mmm... no.
David Vickers: What if the president showed up?
Roxy Balsom: [skeptically] This president?
David Vickers: Eisenhower.
Roxy Balsom: Oh him. Oh, yeah, well I think I could find a room for him.
David Vickers: Okay well he's not going to show up, so I'll take his room.
Roxy Balsom: No you won't.
David Vickers: Look, Roxy, c'mon I'm desperate. Don't you even have a broom closet? Only much larger with a king size bed and a view of something that's not a crime scene.