Dad's Army (1968–1977)
Frazer: Captain Mainwaring. Did I ever tell you the story about the old, empty barn.
Mainwaring: Um. No.
Frazer: Would you like to hear the story about the old, empty barn?
Mainwaring: Um. Yes. Listen everybody. Frazer's going to tell us the story about the old empty barn.
Frazer: Right. The story of the old empty barn. Well. There was nothing in it.
[They are telling off a cheeky young boy]
Jones: Ere. I know him. He's a cheeky little monkey. He comes into my shop when it's full of persons and shouts out, "Sainsbury's."
Pike: Yeah. And he runs into our bank and shouts out, "National Provincial."
[Mainwaring opens Frazer's money box]
Mainwaring: It's a brick. It's a damn brick.
Frazer: Aye, aye. It's a brick. And yon vicar can have it for the fabric of his kirk.
Frazer: I am refusing to obey.
Mainwaring: You'll be in charge of the liquor permits, Frazer.
Frazer: I'm right behind you, Captain.
Frazer: Sorry about the candles. The blinds are a bit thin for the gleam of the gas light.
Godfrey: Oh, I like candles. They're more romantic.
[Jones is speaking to the German from the clock tower]
Jones: Now my captain's going to ponder with you - now listen.
Mainwaring: Further resistance is useless. In the name of the King I demand that you surrender
Godfrey: Sir. I wouldn't want to roam the countryside ravishing maidens.
Mainwaring: In the words of the great E.C Cochran. "Early to bed, early to rise, no jolly good if you don't advertise".
Polish Officer: You're supposed to keep a look out like soldiers. Not talk like old women. What are your names?
Jones: Jones, sir.
Pike: Pike, sir.
Walker: Oh thanks very much.
Polish Officer: It's no good you try and give me falsies.
Walker: They'll be no German planes over tonight.
[air-raid sirens start]
Jones: Why did you have to open your big mouth?
Godfrey: Oh I do wish that Captain Mainwaring would let my sister Dolly knit him a suit of armour.
Frazer: Never mind Godfrey son. If anything goes wrong we'll get him out with a tin opener.
Mainwaring: I wondered how long it would take you to work that one out.
Frazer: [after seeing Wilson seeing his daughter off] I know I am a bit of a blabbermouth, but... but I'll keep my tongue for ye Mr Wilson.
Wilson: [grateful] Thank you James.