What's Up, Tiger Lily? (1966)
Teri Yaki: [talking about Shepherd Wong] I'd call him a sadistic, hippophilic necrophile, but that would be beating a dead horse.
High Macha Of Rashpur: It is written, "he who makes the best egg salad shall rule over heaven and earth." Don't ask me why egg salad - I've got enough aggravation.
Woody Allen: They wanted in Hollywood to make the definitive spy picture. And they came to me to supervise the project, you know, because I think that, if you know me at all, you know that death is my bread and danger my butter - oh, no, danger's my bread, and death is my butter. No, no, wait. Danger's my bread, death - no, death is - no, I'm sorry. Death is my - death and danger are my various breads and various butters.
High Macha Of Rashpur: They kill, they maim and they call information for numbers they could easily look up in the book.
Phil Moscowitz: Saracen pig! Spartan dog! Take this! And this! Roman cow! Russian snake! Spanish fly! Anglo-Saxon Hun!
Shepherd Wong: You interrupt Shepherd Wong? That's the thing to do?
Shepherd Wong: [reviewing a lineup of girls in his harem, each elevated on pedestals and visible on camera from the waist down] Loin, flank, sirloin. Why, this is the best shipment of meat we've had this year!
Phil Moscowitz: [while printing the microfilm code] And now I will read you some ancient erotic poetry. "There once was a man from Nantucket..."
Wing Fat: You fool! You're leading me on.
Phil Moscowitz: How do I know after I give you the recipe you won't kill me.
[runs his finger over his throat]
Wing Fat: Kill you? Come on.
Wing Fat: Does this look like the body of a killer?
Smiling young man: Would the owner of the rickshaw with license plate number 406, please remove it. Your coolie has a hernia.
Phil Moscowitz: No bullets? Ah, but if all of you in the audience who believe in fairies will clap your hands, then my gun will be magically filled with bullets.
Shepherd Wong: You want egg salad, I'll give you egg salad! Did you bring the mayonnaise?
Suki Yaki: Mayonnaise?
Shepherd Wong: I told you to take a jar!
Suki Yaki: Boy is he weird.
Shepherd Wong: Oh, nevermind. If there's none on board, forget it. We'll use Miracle Whip. Heee-yee-hee-hee-ha-ha!
Cab Driver: [Phil tells him to take him to the kidnappers] Did you say "kidnap"?
Phil Moscowitz: Yeah, that's right.
Cab Driver: Alright, but first it's time for a little sight seeing. Coming up on your right is the world-renowned factory where the broken Japanese toys are made.
Phil Moscowitz: Meet me in the bedroom in five minutes and bring a cattle prod.
High Macha Of Rashpur: Good afternoon. I am the Grand Exalted High Macha of Raspur, a nonexistent but real-sounding country.
Phil Moscowitz: Uh-huh.
High Macha Of Rashpur: Yes. We're on a waiting list. As soon as there's an opening on the map, we're next.
Wing Fat: Don't tell me what I can do, or I'll have my mustache eat your beard.
Shepherd Wong: That's too bad. I was going to marry her. I already put a deposit on twin cemetery plots.
Suki Yaki: I managed to find this dress in there, but not a stitch of underwear.
Phil Moscowitz: No underwear? I find that very interesting.
Suki Yaki: Don't excite yourself. I never sleep with a man who owns a dress.
Phil Moscowitz: Oh, neither do I. I feel exactly the same way.
High Macha Of Rashpur: [displaying a printed floor plan] This is Shepherd Wong's home.
Phil Moscowitz: He lives in that piece of paper?
Phil Moscowitz: Nothing much to report... oh, somebody tried to shoot me just before the opening credits.
Wing Fat: This is my mother. We're very close. Isn't she sweet? And the best thing about her is: she can really take a punch.
Suki Yaki: So, who did help me escape?
Phil Moscowitz: Don't you have any idea?
Suki Yaki: I had an idea that it was the Mormon Tabernacle Choir, but there's no motive...
Shepherd Wong: I didn't order any fumigation! It's Wing Fool, you fat! I mean... it's Wing Fat, you fool!
Suki Yaki: I'm such a great piece!
Teri Yaki: I wish Phil would get here. It's getting awfully late.
Suki Yaki: [Running to answer a knock at the door] It's Phil, bringing the promise of joy and fulfillment in its most primitive form!
Teri Yaki: I hope he brought the vibrator.
The Interviewer: Woody, since the story is a bit difficult to follow, would you mind giving the audience and myself a brief rundown on what's gone on so far?
Woody Allen: [casually] No.
Wing Fat: [Surrounded by Shepard Wong's henchman] Ha, ha, ha! The joke's on you, I threw that suitcase overboard to my henchman. He's right out there!
Guy On The Boat: Hey boss! Hey Boss! I got the bag! Oh, I'm such a terrific henchman!
Hoodlum: Cobra Man listen. I don't like snakes. You have to pamper them so much, fer cryin' out loud?
Phil Moscowitz: Shepherd Wong! You'd never guess I have no pants on!
Phil Moscowitz: [repeated line, sung in a tenor voice] Love has found me,/And I have found the way!