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A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum (1966) Poster

Quotes

Hero: Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.

Pseudolus: Be the first. Start a fashion.

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Miles Gloriosus: Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen.

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Philia: That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!

Pseudolus: He raped Thrace?

Philia: And then he came and did it again! And then again!

Pseudolus: He raped Thrace thrice?

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[Examining a wine bottle]

Pseudolus: Was 1 a good year?

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Pseudolus: Wait!

Hero: Yes?

Pseudolus: A brilliant idea!

Hero: Yes!

Pseudolus: That's what we need, a brilliant idea.

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Pseudolus: [disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish] I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.

Erronius: How did you know?

Pseudolus: I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.

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Hysterium: [He's dressed in women's clothing] My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.

Pseudolus: Your father is alive.

Hysterium: Well... this will kill him.

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Lycus: Is it contagious?

Pseudolus: Have you ever seen a plague that wasn't?

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Miles Gloriosus: Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!

Pseudolus: Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?

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Miles Gloriosus: What is she like?

Pseudolus: A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!

Miles Gloriosus: As magnificent as that?

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Miles Gloriosus: You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.

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Hysterium: I live to grovel.

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Senex: A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.

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Hero: For us there will never be happiness.

Philia: We must learn to be happy without it.

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Pseudolus: Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?

Hysterium: One of us isn't ready yet.

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Pseudolus: [Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves] A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?

Hero: Is that disgraceful?

Pseudolus: There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!

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Lycus: If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.

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Domina: That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?

Hysterium: Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.

Senex: Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.

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Hysterium: Rather than let you down, I would die.

Domina: That is what I had in mind.

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Pseudolus: An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!

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Pseudolus: I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.

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Hero: Hysterium, this is Philia.

Hysterium: Never mind who she is! Who IS she?

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Pseudolus: We'll need a body. Anybody's body.

Hysterium: Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?

Pseudolus: He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.

Hysterium: Uh - what about HIS body?

Pseudolus: Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?

[He covers his eyes with his hand]

Hysterium: [sadly] I wish *I* was.

[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]

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Domina: Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.

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Roman Sentry: It's against Roman law to take one's life. Penalty's death.

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Pseudolus: You must never know what goes on in that house.

Hero: But I do know.

Pseudolus: You do? Isn't it amazing.

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Miles Gloriosus: I cannot afford to offend the gods.

Pseudolus: Who can?

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Miles Gloriosus: [shouting] Stand aside everyone!

[pause]

Miles Gloriosus: I take large steps.

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Pseudolus: Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.

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Lycus: I'll kill him! I'll kill him!

Crassus: Who?

Lycus: The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!

Crassus: Oh, Pseudolus.

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Lycus: She was sold just this morning.

Hero: Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

[tries to stab himself and misses]

Pseudolus: [takes the blade] Behave yourself!

Lycus: [resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.

Hero: Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!

[takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]

Pseudolus: Put your bosom away!

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Miles Gloriosus: [about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.

Pseudolus: Of course!

[kisses him]

Miles Gloriosus: Not you!

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Pseudolus: [seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia] Sir! You're back!

Senex: She almost broke it!

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Lycus: This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens.

[Exits scene, returns]

Lycus: A new god, but a very hard worker.

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[Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]

Fertilla: My man has come for me!

Pseudolus: Good. Where is he?

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Pseudolus: [talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!

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Pseudolus: [He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.

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Erronius: These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see...

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Domina's Mother: Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.

Domina: But Mother, what can I do?

Domina's Mother: Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!

[whips Dominia]

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Domina: A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting!

Senex: Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door...

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Erronius: My daughter, a eunuch?

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Pseudolus: [referring to Hero's being alone with Philia] What can happen in an hour or two?

Hysterium: At his age, the mind boggles!

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Senex: Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.

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Pseudolus: [to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!

Miles Gloriosus: [notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!

Pseudolus: [suddenly filled with dread] It's time.

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Hysterium: How dare you call me a eunuch?

Pseudolus: You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?

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Miles Gloriosus: Now, back to Rome for a quick wedding - and some slow executions!

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Hysterium: Pseudolus...

Pseudolus: I'm Lycus!

Hysterium: But, Pseudolus...

Pseudolus: I'm Lycus!

Hysterium: But, Pseudolus - !

Pseudolus: I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!

Hysterium: Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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