Hero: Pseudolus, people do not go around freeing slaves every day.
Pseudolus: Be the first. Start a fashion.
Miles Gloriosus: Arrange food, drink, entertainment, and a sit-down orgy for fourteen.
Philia: That's the brute who raped my country, Thrace!
Pseudolus: He raped Thrace?
Philia: And then he came and did it again! And then again!
Pseudolus: He raped Thrace thrice?
[Examining a wine bottle]
Pseudolus: Was 1 a good year?
Pseudolus: A brilliant idea!
Pseudolus: That's what we need, a brilliant idea.
Pseudolus: [disguised as a soothsayer and chanting loud gibberish] I say! You are in need of a soothsayer.
Erronius: How did you know?
Pseudolus: I'd be a fine soothsayer if I didn't.
Hysterium: [He's dressed in women's clothing] My father will turn over his grave if he saw me like this.
Pseudolus: Your father is alive.
Hysterium: Well... this will kill him.
Miles Gloriosus: Oh, her bridal bower becomes a burial bier of bitter bereavement!
Pseudolus: Very good! Can you say "Titus the tailor told ten tall tales to Titania the titmouse"?
Miles Gloriosus: What is she like?
Pseudolus: A face so fair, a heart so pure - Sir, if you had been born a woman, you would have been she!
Miles Gloriosus: As magnificent as that?
Miles Gloriosus: You, slave, will be torn apart by horses, to the plaudits of the troops and the amusement of the children.
Senex: A word of advice: never fall in love during a total eclipse.
Pseudolus: Don't you think it's time we started trusting each other?
Hysterium: One of us isn't ready yet.
Pseudolus: [Speaking of the girl Hero says he loves] A common courtesan in the house of Lycus?
Hero: Is that disgraceful?
Pseudolus: There's no way to make it sound like an achievement!
Lycus: If I've told you once, I've told you a hundred times; do not fan the girls when they're wet! But you'll never learn, you'll be a eunuch all your life.
Domina: That breeder woman, has she been thrown a mate yet?
Hysterium: Alas, she refuses just any slave. She demands to choose.
Senex: Choose? She'll breed and like it, like everyone. Well, almost everyone.
Pseudolus: An honest virgin! What a terrible combination!
Pseudolus: I shall return in a nonce. At most, two nonces.
Pseudolus: We'll need a body. Anybody's body.
Hysterium: Can you get one from Gusto the Body Snatcher?
Pseudolus: He owes me a favor! But he died yesterday.
Hysterium: Uh - what about HIS body?
Pseudolus: Somebody snatched it. Uh, let's see... who do we know that's dead?
[He covers his eyes with his hand]
Hysterium: [sadly] I wish *I* was.
[Pseudolus uncovers his eyes, turns and grins madly at him as if to say, "Aha! That's it!"]
Domina: Forgive me for ever having mistrusted you, my darling. But you HAVE been a little distant these past 29 years.
Roman Sentry: It's against Roman law to take one's life. Penalty's death.
Pseudolus: You must never know what goes on in that house.
Hero: But I do know.
Pseudolus: You do? Isn't it amazing.
Pseudolus: Don't you know? When they start to smile, the end is near. I hear it's lovely on Crete. Everyone lying there... smiling.
Lycus: I'll kill him! I'll kill him!
Lycus: The lyingest, cheatingest, sloppiest slave in all Rome!
Crassus: Oh, Pseudolus.
Lycus: She was sold just this morning.
Hero: Sold! Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
[tries to stab himself and misses]
Pseudolus: [takes the blade] Behave yourself!
Lycus: [resuming] He'll pick her up within the hour.
Hero: Then receive, oh bosom, thy fatal blade!
[takes another knife out, tries to stab himself, and misses yet again]
Pseudolus: Put your bosom away!
Miles Gloriosus: [about to leave his fiance's funeral] But first, a farewell kiss.
Pseudolus: Of course!
Miles Gloriosus: Not you!
Pseudolus: [seeing his master, who has been seized and kissed by Philia] Sir! You're back!
Senex: She almost broke it!
Lycus: This I swear by the great Necrophytes, god of pimps, panderers and go-betweens.
[Exits scene, returns]
Lycus: A new god, but a very hard worker.
[Fertilla, an obese slave, grabs Pseudolus]
Fertilla: My man has come for me!
Pseudolus: Good. Where is he?
Pseudolus: [talking to the audience about the mare's sweat he needed for his potion] Would you believe it? There was a mare sweating not two streets away!
Pseudolus: [He sees Philia kissing Senex but thinks its's Hero; to the audience] He gets to look more and more like his father every day.
Erronius: These tired old eyes fill with tears at the sight of the little they see...
Domina's Mother: Gone to see a nose-grinder, indeed. He's cavorting with those courtesans.
Domina: But Mother, what can I do?
Domina's Mother: Return to Rome immediately, before he can do what no doubt he's already done. Go!
Domina: A common flesh-peddler in the house next to ours, disgusting!
Senex: Disgraceful, all that revolting flesh. Just next door...
Pseudolus: [referring to Hero's being alone with Philia] What can happen in an hour or two?
Hysterium: At his age, the mind boggles!
Senex: Son, if you're only as happy as your mother and I have been... my heart bleeds for you.
Pseudolus: [to the stammering Hysterium] Calm yourself down! I'll tell you when it's time to panic!
Miles Gloriosus: [notices the tampered hourglass] I smell mischief here!
Pseudolus: [suddenly filled with dread] It's time.
Hysterium: How dare you call me a eunuch?
Pseudolus: You know it isn't true and I know it isn't true. So what do we care what they think?
Miles Gloriosus: Now, back to Rome for a quick wedding - and some slow executions!
Pseudolus: I'm Lycus!
Hysterium: But, Pseudolus...
Pseudolus: I'm Lycus!
Hysterium: But, Pseudolus - !
Pseudolus: I'm Lycus, and I still know where you keep that erotic pottery!
Hysterium: Well, Lycus - all right, Lycus! He's Lycus!