Carry on Screaming! (1966)
Constable Slobotham: Happen to know what Doris was wearing?
Albert: Yes, a sort of white frilly jacket with a dark green jacket and a long green skirt.
Det Sgt. Bung: Did you get that down.
Albert: Oh no, as I said, I've only known her for a year.
Det Sgt. Bung: I was talking to my assistant!
Det Sgt. Bung: A young lady has disappeared and we're anxious to trace her whereabouts.
Dr. Watt: Oh? Whereabouts?
Det Sgt. Bung: Hereabouts.
Albert: At ten o'clock.
Det Sgt. Bung: Or thereabouts.
Constable Slobotham: In this vicinity.
Det Sgt. Bung: Or roundabouts.
Constable Slobotham: We're police officers.
Albert: Or layabouts.
Dr. Watt: Oddbodd, what happened to your ear?
[Oddbodd makes a gesture that his ear has dropped off]
Dr. Watt: Oh, never mind. Ear today, gone tomorrow!
Det Sgt. Bung: This ear was found in Slocombe woods.
Valeria: What. This ear?
Det Sgt. Bung: Yes, that there.
[Slobotham and Bung have found Emily in the crate]
Constable Slobotham: Sarge, she's as hard as a rock!
Det Sgt. Bung: You don't have to tell me that, I've been married to her for fifteen years!
Dr. Watt: [on being told Oddbod's finger is missing] I hope he didn't leave it anywhere embarassing! That's the trouble with my regeneration process, it makes everything so brittle. You never know what's going to drop off next.
Det Sgt. Bung: Now then, your name please.
Dr. Watt: Doctor Watt.
Constable Slobotham: Doctor who, sir?
Dr. Watt: Watt. "Who" was my uncle, or was - I haven't seen him in ages!.
Constable Slobotham: Sorry, Sergeant ! I thought it was that horrible thing again.
Det Sgt. Bung: What horrible thing ?
Constable Slobotham: I don't know. It was something unspeakable.
Det Sgt. Bung: Unspeakable ?
Constable Slobotham: Yes. Never said a word.
Emily Bung: That telephone ringing at all hours of the day and night. It's the invention of the devil. It's like someone walking in on you in the bath, it's an invasion of privacy, that's what it is.
Det Sgt. Bung: You in the bath? That'd stop any invasion.
Det Sgt. Bung: I came here to perform a duty!
Valeria: Well, get on with it! I haven't got all night, you know.
Valeria: [after unexpectedly kissing Det. Sergeant Bung] Forgive me, I just *had* to do that!
Det Sgt. Bung: That's all right miss. We're here to be of service to the public.
Dr. Watt: What time is it?
Valeria: [Looks at her wristwatch] Just past December.
Dr. Watt: I told you not to wake me up 'til the beginning of March!
Dr. Watt: Oh this is awful, I wish I was dead.
Valeria: But Orlando, you are dead.
Dr. Watt: So I am, what a life.
Det Sgt. Bung: I've been up till half six looking for a woman.
Emily Bung: That should be something you're good at, looking for women.
Det Sgt. Bung: I wouldn't say that, last time I tried I found you.
Emily Bung: Stay at that rotten police station. See if any of them will give you what you get from me.
Det Sgt. Bung: It's been so long since I got anything from you, i've forgotten if it's worth having.
Constable Slobotham: I'm a police officer and I must warn you that I'll take down anything you say.
Dan Dann: Alright then, trousers.
Constable Slobotham: Just a minute Mr Potter, where were you last night?
Albert: My bed.
Constable Slobotham: Any witnesses to corroborate that?
Albert: My landlady.
Constable Slobotham: Who?
Albert: She came up with a bottle.
Constable Slobotham: Sounds like a pretty loose-living place you're lodging in.
Albert: She always comes up with a hot water bottle.
Constable Slobotham: Sarge, it's just possible he and the landlady are in collusion
Albert: Don't be disgusting, she's over 60.
Valeria: Why don't we do what they did to your friend Dracula, drive a spike through his heart.
Dr. Watt: No , I don't really feel like driving tonight.
Emily Bung: Either that phone goes or I go, I can promise you that!
Det Sgt. Bung: Promises, promises - always promises!
Emily Bung: You haven't taken me out for ages
Det Sgt. Bung: Don't exaggerate, we went out a couple of months ago, had a lovely time.
Emily Bung: You call that lovely, my poor mother's funeral.
Det Sgt. Bung: Well I enjoyed it!
Det Sgt. Bung: [Watching the revived Doris sit up] I don't believe it!
[Reaches out to her]
Albert: [Forcing Bung's hand away] Don't you dare!
Det Sgt. Bung: I only wanted to see if she was hard or soft!
[Bung and Slobotham drag a protesting Albert into their office]
Det Sgt. Bung: Alright Mr Potter, where is it?
Albert: Lummy, it's your police station - you ought to know!
Albert: Marvellous! But we're not looking for a house. We're looking for Doris.
Det Sgt. Bung: I know, but this is right in the middle of the woods. They might have heard or seen something suspicious. We can't afford to leave any stone unturned. What's the name of this road, Slobotham ?
Constable Slobotham: Avery Avenue.
Det Sgt. Bung: Then we must explore Avery Avenue !
[Albert rolls his eyes]
Dr. Watt: They would have to come tonight, just when I'm feeling half dead!
[Albert has just discovered the Mummy of King Rubbatiti]
Albert: Oh mummy!
Det Sgt. Bung: It's only a mummy!
Albert: A mummy?
[Points to the mummy]
Albert: With a beard?
Det Sgt. Bung: Well, they didn't just do it to women - men got pickled too!
[Mr Jones reveals that the only thing missing is the duummy that looked like Doris]
Det Sgt. Bung: You haven't guessed who took it?
Constable Slobotham: I've only been on the job an hour, Sergent!
Det Sgt. Bung: Well, you take a week to think it over, while I go and get him!
Mr. Jones: What difference does it make whose bed it was.
Constable Slobotham: Might make a difference to someone.
Det Sgt. Bung: I'll say this for you, you make a good trouser press
Albert: We felt like getting a bit of fresh air and that.
Constable Slobotham: What's that?
Det Sgt. Bung: Same as the other.
Constable Slobotham: [Running into the police lab with Albert] Here sarge, we've got a lead!
Albert: This note was pushed through my letterbox
[reading from the note]
Albert: If you want to know what happened to those girls, I can tell you. I am the cloakroom attendant in the One by the Park and you can see me any time, at my convenience.
[hands the note to Bung]
Constable Slobotham: Do you think it's genuine, Sarge?
Det Sgt. Bung: [Examining the note] Interesting notepaper - perforated at both ends. Could be - Come on!