6 June 1966
Proud house owner and Tory Alf is very angry by his socialist son-in-law, Mike's comments about the family home being a slum,further humiliation and arguments follow in a boozy session in the local pub.
13 June 1966
Following yet another political spat with Mike Alf heads off to the pub having had a short nap. He cannot understand why all the punters are laughing at him until it transpires that Mike has drawn a face on his bald head.
20 June 1966
It is Else and Alf's twenty-fifth wedding anniversary though needless to say Alf has forgotten and it is left to Mike to give him a present to pass on to his wife, not that Alf is grateful. The youngsters have also arranged a romantic dinner for the couple at a restaurant...which just happens to be French.
11 July 1966
Alf reluctantly accompanies Mike to see Liverpool play Borussia Dortmund in the European Champions cup but his racism takes his toll as he reacts to his fellow match-goers on the terraces, resulting in him having to see the doctor with two black eyes and no voice.
18 July 1966
With no bathroom or inside toilet in his terrace house Alf resigns himself to washing in the old tin bath in the kitchen whilst Else hangs up her washing around him. This screens him from Mike, whom he overhears trying to sell the house in order to get an upmarket place in his name. The prospect of two toilets and an en suite appeals to Alf but he must take action when the situation might lead to him being the young Scouser's lodger.
25 July 1966
Alf is less than pleased when Mike's parents, Irishman Patrick and his wife Kate come to stay for the week and is soon at odds with Patrick. However a bizarre alliance forms between Alf and his son-in-law when Mike feels that Patrick is criticising him as well.
1 August 1966
The Garnetts are going to the West country to stay in a holiday cottage. Alf is driving - very badly - and to make matters worse it transpires that he does not even have a driving licence. On arriving at the pokey cottage Alf has the inevitable run-ins with the locals and a couple of aristocrats.
26 December 1966
As the Garnetts celebrate Christmas Alf berates Rita and Mike for only giving him 'Whiffs' as opposed to real cigars and second-rate socks whilst they have bought Else a dress and accuses his atheist son of hypocrisy. Rita cannot recall his gift of a doll's house when she was little - though that was because Alf fell downstairs and broke it whilst he was drunk. When the carollers call Alf is ready for then with a vase of dirty water but has to drink it when he sees the vicar heading the singers.
2 January 1967
The sexual morals of the youth of the mid nineteen sixties are far from acceptable to pedagogue Alf and when daughter Rita's virtue is brought into question by socialist son-in-law Mike the predictable explosion occurs.
9 January 1967
Pipe smoker Alf reluctantly accepts a challenge given by his long haired,socialist, son-in-law Mike to give up smoking, both Else and Rita are pleased, but which of the two men will crack under the strain first?
16 January 1967
In yet another political argument, this time about the war in Vietnam, Alf declares that all protesters are Communists. However, when a lorry driver parks his vehicle outside Alf's house and refuses to move it, Alf indulges in a little protest of his own.
23 January 1967
When Mike loses his job and has to sign on the dole Alf is suspicious because he offers to give him more money for the rent. It turns out that he has an extra five pounds payment in his National Assistance but has to give most of it to Alf as increased rent.
30 January 1967
Alf comes home late from work and finds that his dinner has burned to a crisp in the oven. Else tells him that Mike is at the chip shop and that if he phones through to him it will not be too late for Alf to place his own order. However Alf is thwarted by others trying to use the phone box.
6 February 1967
Alf returns home full of pride having bought a portrait photograph of the Duke of Windsor, he astonishes his family by telling them that his late father was a personal friend and drinking companion of the Duke, and also the Duke is an ardent supporter of Alf's beloved West Ham United.
13 February 1967
Alf is in hospital for a short stay and he is not a model patient. Uncomfortable with a black nurse, he defies hygiene by trying to clean his pipe out with a syringe. To make matters worse he gets a visit from relatives, something he can truly do without.
20 February 1967
Learning that the Socialist prime minister he despises, Harold Wilson, is hosting the Russian premier, Alf is appalled, seeing this as yet another example of Wilson's selling out to Communism. He decides to go to Downing Street to protest and then head on to Buckingham Palace so that the queen can see his patriotism. But...
27 February 1967
Alf has a stomach bug but Else has blocked the toilet with tea leaves so he has to keep going next door. After decrying immigrants for bringing in diseases Alf learns that he is carrying a contagious bug himself and has to go into hospital. Rita and Mike gleefully burn his copy of 'Clean Up TV' by Mary Whitehouse to prevent further contamination.
27 March 1967
The Garnetts are in the pub when they meet a group of celebrities whom, inevitably, Alf insults - black actor and singer Kenny Lynch, Liverpool comedian Jimmy Tarbuck and tough guy Australian actor Ray Barrett, whom Alf describes as 'the man with the holes in his face' due to his scarred complexion. The meeting is not the most cordial.
Season 3, Episode 1: The Phone5 January 1968
When Mike is unable to get into the phone box to place Alf's bet on a horse which ultimately wins, Alf decides it is time for the Garnetts to have their own phone. Despite Mike trying to wind him up by pretending to be the operator, Alf is proud of his new possession but gets fed up when Else allows Min from next door to come in and use the phone, turning down the volume on the television show he is trying to watch.
12 January 1968
Believing that Alf is scared to be a blood donor Mike goads him by betting him that even if he did give blood it would be rejected. This does the trick but Alf is sure that his blood will be given to somebody of importance and then has a dream that he is at Buckingham Palace where he has helped out the queen by his donation.
Season 3, Episode 3: Monopoly19 January 1968
It's New Year's Eve and Alf, not wanting to join the others at the party over the road, gets out his old Monopoly set. When the rest of the family returns they have a game, leading to the inevitable falling out over property between Alf and Mike, and Alf taking drastic action.
26 January 1968
Out of grudging respect for a dead female neighbor he despised, Alf orders the telly off for the whole day. Mike then tells Alf that his beloved West Ham will play Fulham, on telly that evening, but will Alf watch the Hammers 7-2 triumph?
Season 3, Episode 5: Football2 February 1968
Despite the fact that he confiscated local kids' football, Alf is still invited by the vicar to act as coach for the youth soccer team, attracting scorn from Mike. Needless to say Alf is not a good trainer, concentrating on the skills of only one player, though he does attract the attention of some well-known soccer players.
Season 3, Episode 6: The Puppy9 February 1968
Alf returns home from the pub having bought a mongrel puppy. The rest of the family find it adorable but it is not exactly house-trained and the more the others find it charming through its anti-social antics the more Alf comes to resent it and wants to get rid of it.
Season 3, Episode 7: Aunt Maud16 February 1968
When Else is laid up with bronchitis her sister Maud comes to look after the family. She and Alf hate each other and, after he insults her once too often, she refuses to cook for him. She also sees the opportunity to make him jealous when Else's old flame George Pringle comes to visit and Maud hints at something that might have happened between him and Else on Brighton beach before the war.
18 June 1970
It's the summer of 1970 and voting day for the general election. After casting his vote, staunch conservative Alf Garnett visits his local pub and launches out in a drunken tirade about Harold Wilson and the evils of Labour government.
13 September 1972
Rita gives birth to a baby son and Alf, eventually - as he would rather be in the pub wetting the baby's head - goes to visit her in hospital. Initial pride at seeing his grandson soon leads to an argument with Mike, who wants to call his son Michael Patrick - too IRA for Alf, who is also annoyed that the surname will be Rawlins, not Garnett and the christening will take place in a Catholic church.
20 September 1972
Alf has received a tax rebate and is celebrating by blowing it in the pub, where he hears about another regular's racing pigeons. Alf believes he is onto a winner by taking up the sport himself and takes a train journey to set the birds free, though inevitably things do not work out as planned.
27 September 1972
The Garnetts go to Bournemouth by train, where Alf gets into an argument with an Indian passenger and is aghast to be told that the man is travelling first class. On arrival there is more for him to moan about - sunburn, the taxi driver, though the hotel proprietress with the hen-pecked husband can teach him a thing or two about rabbiting on. Finally a kid plays a trick on him so that he and his deck chair fall into the swimming pool.
11 October 1972
Even at the breakfast table Alf is on his high horse, mouthing off about how the government should put looters and thieves up against the wall and shoot them. However, when he gets to work and finds that Else has got her own back on him by putting nothing in his lunch-box, he faces an ethical dilemma. Steal or starve.
18 October 1972
Alf wants baby grandson Michael to play for West Ham, and follow in the footsteps of his beloved Bobby Moore. Arrogant Alf whisks baby Michael away to watch 'The Hammers', at Upton Park, but an unpleasant welcome awaits on his return home.
25 October 1972
Alf is bed-ridden having slipped on Else's newly-polished floor and broken his leg. Bored with being stuck inside he asks Else to push him in a wheel-chair to the pub but it is too much for her and she gives up. Some lads apparently come to Alf's rescue and take him to his destination but they actually drug his beer so that he passes out after which they paint his face and push him around as a Penny for the Guy.
26 December 1972
It's Christmas Eve and Alf still has no present for Else. The black man selling cheap British watches looks like being a life saver but maybe Alf should have held back on the racist insults before buying. On Christmas Day Alf propounds his view that Jesus was English, which the others dispute. However, a meeting in the pub with the cast of 'Jesus Christ Superstar' seems to support Alf's theory.
Season 5, Episode 1: TV Licence2 January 1974
Alf is determined to respect the two minutes silence "To honor the dead" on remembrance day but will Rita and Mike's disrespectful manner and wife Else's loyalty to the B.B.C, ruin it for him?
9 January 1974
Princess Anne is set to marry Captain Mark Phillips, so royal lover Alf celebrates by organizing a street party, complete with piano, but will any one turn up?
23 January 1974
It is freezing weather made worse by the miners strike and a cold and hungry Alf Garnett explodes in rage when his wife Else tells him she has no food in the larder. Else, the miners, Harold Wilson, and his lazy son-in-law, Mike feel his wrath.
30 January 1974
Alf the supreme male chauvinist pig is put to the test when his wife and daughter get drunk in the pub and things get much worse when he tangles with a blonde-haired call girl.
5 February 1974
In line with his Tory leader Heath's declaration Alf is now working a three day week but is appalled to find Else is doing the same and she has not cooked him a dinner. This leads to her commenting on his selfishness over their years of marriage and tricking him into buying her a new coat.
12 February 1974
Gran is very ill and Else is very concerned, while Alf is uncaring, they both visit the sick old lady. Alf believing Gran is not long for this world takes her dead husbands pocket-watch for himself, but he is in for a shock.
Season 5, Episode 7: Paki-Paddy28 February 1974
While boozing in the pub racist Alf makes Gran laugh by ridiculing the Pakistani, 'Paki-Paddy' who is drinking at the bar, but the laughter ceases when she tells him the strangely half-Irish, half-Pakistani, gentleman will be his new neighbor!
31 December 1974
Else's sister Maud and her husband Ted have emigrated to Australia but Maud is not well and Ted rings up to ask if Else can over there and help them out. Alf is not keen to let his wife go but, for Else, the journey is two-fold - not only will she be helping her sister out but she will be taking a well-deserved break from Alf and despite his entreaties she boards the plane to take her Down Under.
8 January 1975
Alf is well and truly missing Else's housework and especially her cooking and rings her to ask when she will be home but gets no definite answer. Else has asked Min from next door to cook meals for Alf and he is looking forward to her famous meat pudding but she only cooks him convenience food and, after a row and a misunderstanding with Mike, he ends up eating dog food
15 January 1975
Alf finds himself in the middle when Bert from next door arrives, closely followed by his wife Min after they have had an argument over her food. The two men repair to the pub to drown their sorrows and to hit upon the ideal solution as to how to keep a woman in her place, which is of course asking for trouble when they have to go home and face Min's wrath.
Season 6, Episode 3: Wedgie Ben22 January 1975
Alf, the Reads and the Rawlins get involved in the inevitable political argument. Alf regards long term Labour minister Anthony Wedgewood Benn a fraud because he has a title - which he will later renounce - and lives in a wealthy Conservative neighbourhood. Mike, however, turns the tables on his father-in-law by pointing out that Alf is a Conservative voter living in a far from wealthy Labour stronghold.
Season 6, Episode 4: The Letter29 January 1975
Else has sent a letter to Min and not to Alf, suggesting that Rita and Mike bring their baby son out to Australia, as she has no intention of returning to England. Alf does not believe Min when she tells him but, on finding the letter, must face up to the truth.
Season 6, Episode 5: The Wake5 February 1975
Min's mother has died and everybody has returned from the funeral though Min is adamant that her mother will be reincarnated as a blackbird. Having made sure that he has not already learnt of its outcome Alf settles down to watch the Ali-Foreman fight on TV but there are, of course, complications.
12 February 1975
Elsi is still away and Alf has been charged to look after the Christmas club subscriptions at the local pub. However maths is not his strong point and he has trouble balancing the books. This in turn leads to the regulars suspecting that, instead of intending to pay them out, he is keeping the cash to join his wife in Oz and an argument breaks out, though he is almost importuned by a gay man.
5 November 1975
With no sign of Else ever coming back to England Alf decides to put his house on the market, though with Rita and Mike as sitting tenants, this creates a problem. As a trial run he becomes the Reads' lodger but falls foul of Min who, after he has resisted her amorous advances, refuses to cook him a proper meal.
12 November 1975
Alf continues his tenure as the Reads' lodger but things are not going as well as he had expected. Returning home from work he finds Min with her feet up watching his colour television with no attempt to make him his dinner. This is the cue for Alf and Bert to repair to the pub and compare stories about Min.
19 November 1975
Min has decided that Bert must lose weight and keep fit by going out jogging. Alf accompanies on a push-bike to make sure that Bert keeps pace. Before long they are both heartily sick of the exercise and repair to the pub to drown their sorrows. But, on the way home, they are pulled up by the police who find Alf drunk in charge of a bicycle.
Season 7, Episode 4: Window26 November 1975
When Mike points out that the windows at the Garnett house have not been washed in years, Alf decides to save money and clean them himself rather than bring in a professional. Unfortunately whilst he is sitting on the ledge the window comes down, trapping his legs underneath and, although several people gawp, it is a while before he is freed. Fortunately Bert has brought the television up to the bedroom to help pass the time for the prisoner.
3 December 1975
Alf and Bert decide to increase their status by joining the local golf club though they are not very good and the regular club members notice. However they learn that the seventeenth hole is famous in that everybody seems able to score a hole in one there and they set about faking their own version of obtaining the coveted score by cheating.
17 December 1975
Alf is not a happy bigot. He has lost his job and returns to an empty and dark house. And all on his birthday too. He fears that he has been burgled but in fact the lights go on and friends and neighbors are ready to spring a happy birthday surprise on him.
1 September 2016
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