Major Dundee (1965)
Narrator: In the territory of New Mexico towards the end of the Civil War, an Indian, Sierra Charriba, and his Apache warriors raided, sacked and looted an area almost three times the size of Texas.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Mr. Potts.
Samuel Potts: Major?
Maj. Amos Dundee: I'm a long way from Gettysburg. Any suggestions?
Samuel Potts: Yeah. Let's, uh, go have a look... slow and easy.
[Major Dundee and his staff find Lieutenant Bannon tortured over a slow fire]
Maj. Amos Dundee: I hope he was dead when they did that to him.
Sgt. Gomez: If he was dead, they wouldn't have bothered.
Samuel Potts: Bannon was a soldier, Amos. It goes with the pretty girls and the pension.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Sam...
Samuel Potts: Yeah?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Don't get yourself killed... That would inconvenience me.
Maj. Amos Dundee: You thieves, renegades, deserters, you gentlemen of the South. I want some volunteers. I want volunteers to fight the Apache Sierra Charriba. I need horse soldiers - men who can ride, men who can shoot. In return, I promise you nothing... saddle sores, short rations, maybe a bullet in your belly... and free air to breathe, fair share of tobacco, quarter pay... and my good will and best offices for pardons and paroles when I get back.
Maj. Amos Dundee: What are you trying to say, Frank? Come on, speak up. Spit it out.
Capt. Frank Waller: I'm not trying to say the massacre was your fault. I am trying to say that you should recognize your transfer to this post was a disciplinary action, pure and simple... and if you try to fight your own war again - like you did at Gettysburg - they'll break you.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [addressing his troops] We will serve under Major Dundee's command. And until that time, any disrespect you show the Major will be taken as a personal insult by *me*.
Jimmy Lee Benteen: Don't you worry none, Uncle Ben, when the time comes, we'll turpentine that cauky, chicken-pickin' Yankee...
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [completely deadpan] I am *not* your uncle, you redneck peckerwood. And if you say one more word, you'll spend the rest of this campaign in *chains*.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Name?
Rev. Dahlstrom: Dahlstrom. Any man who has a just cause should travel with the word of God.
Maj. Amos Dundee: With all due respect, God has nothing to do with it. I intend to smite the wicked, not save the Heathen.
Rev. Dahlstrom: Seventeen years ago I married John and Mary Rostes. Those who destroyeth my flock, shall so be destroyed.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [smiles] Reverend.
Sgt. Gomez: [after Dahlstrom gets into a fight with Benteen, the Confederate soldiers stand up with knives drawn] You Southern trash, sit down!
Sgt. Chillum: [stands up] Was you talkin' to me, Sergeant? Well, maybe you dunno know it, but you're a-fixin' to be tried!
Jimmy Lee Benteen: [the command encounters a patrol of Confederate cavalry at a river crossing] Which way, Captain?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: To Mexico, you bloody idiot!
Maj. Amos Dundee: I want everyone under my command to be drunker than a fiddler's bitch by nightfall.
O.W. Hadley: [as he is about to be executed as a deserter] Aw, hell, Major, you're just doin' what you gots to do! But goddamn your soul for it anyway, and God bless Robert E. Lee!
[Tyreen shoots him in the back of the head]
Sgt. Gomez: Benjamin Priam, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: What do you do, Mr. Priam?
Benjamin Priam: [mumbles unintelligibly]
Maj. Amos Dundee: What did you say?
Benjamin Priam: [mumbles]
Maj. Amos Dundee: Speak up! I can't hear you!
Benjamin Priam: [screaming] I'm a horse thief!
Maj. Amos Dundee: [smirks] Are you a *good* horse thief?
Benjamin Priam: Yes, sir. The best there *is*, sir!
Wiley: If you're lookin' for hard-ridin', Injun-fightin' whiskey drinkin' mulepackers, then by *God* you've got one!
Maj. Amos Dundee: What in the hell am I supposed to do with you?
Sgt. Gomez: He's the biggest drunk, but the best mule packer in the Territory, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: What's your name?
Maj. Amos Dundee: All right, Wiley. Make your mark.
Maj. Amos Dundee: All you can drink...
[Wiley signs the contract]
Maj. Amos Dundee: ...when you've earned it. Sergeant, take him to a cell and dry him out.
[Sergeant Gomez escorts Wiley out of the room]
Wiley: Well! I ain't never seen anything like this before!
Lt. Graham: Sergeant Chillum, are the pickets out?
Sgt. Chillum: They're out, not that they'll do any good.
Lt. Graham: How's that?
Sgt. Chillum: Well, if them lancers have got a field piece, they could move it in, lay in one round, and then finish us off with them 10-foot frog stickers they're packin'.
Aesop: [observing the French troops] My outfit could lick those boys - those ones on foot, anyway. With one hand tied behind our backs.
O.W. Hadley: How's that, Aesop?
Aesop: They're soft, O.W. - they ain't never been South.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [trying to restrain his men] I said will shall serve under this command and we will serve! But only until the Apache is destroyed. And then, Amos - and then, I'm going to kill you!
Maj. Amos Dundee: Are you, Ben?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Yes. Yes, Amos.
O.W. Hadley: [Hadley is to be executed for desertion] You gonna let them shoot me, sir?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I'm obliged to, son. You should've remembered you belong to the Major, and not to me.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You're getting leave, Major. And it's time you did. And in fact you'd ought to give up soldiering altogether. You were trapped at the river, ambushed like a shavetail! You caused that boy's death, you split your command. And just what are you doing outside your picket line? Are you trying to seek refuge in the arms of a woman - a woman, I might add, of rather doubtful virtue? Just what in the bloody hell are you doing here in the first place, Amos?
Maj. Amos Dundee: If I ever do get out of here, the war won't last forever.
Teresa Santiago: It will for you, Major.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I came here to rescue you. We've spent all night looking for you.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Why?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: So I can kill you myself.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [shrugs] Makes sense.
Maj. Amos Dundee: This is the secret of my success; I drink!
[holds up whiskey bottle]
Maj. Amos Dundee: But, I don't drink enough.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Lieutenant Graham?
Lt. Graham: Yes, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: I gave you a specific order, and you failed to carry it out.
Lt. Graham: No, sir, you gave me a command. I gave the orders from then on.
Maj. Amos Dundee: You sure did, Lieutenant. Have a cigar.
Sgt. Gomez: Any of you damn gringos fires before the signal, I swear to God, I'll kill you!
Tim Ryan: [observing the body of Sierra Charriba] He looks so small, now.
Maj. Amos Dundee: He was big enough, son.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [the command comes across a troop of French cavalry] Congratulations, Major. It seems like you've found yourself a real war after all.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Well, Major, I'll see you in Texas!
Maj. Amos Dundee: You're damn right you will!
Maj. Amos Dundee: I have only three commands. When I signal you to come, you come. When I signal you to charge, you charge. And when I signal you to run - you follow me and run like *hell*!
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [to Dundee] You are a $70, red-wool, pure-quill military genius, or the biggest damn fool in northern Mexico.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [to Dundee] Now, I have orders to take you out of here in a way that befits your character - out the back door!
Samuel Potts: I am Samuel Potts, I bring complements of Major Amos Dundee, regular, United States cavalry. You have five minutes to surrender your troops and your stores before he cuts loose.
Capt. Jacques Tremaine: [putting on his dress coat as he speaks] He would not dare. This is a horrendous violation of international law, and an unprovoked confrontation with a friendly power...
Samuel Potts: Sonny, the Major ain't no lawyer. And you've now got *four* minutes.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [Aguilar is operating on Dundee's wound] If you're thinking about cutting off that leg, Doctor - don't.
[pulls out revolver]
Dr. Aguilar: I am only concerned about the loss of blood... though much of it is alcohol.
Wiley: [during the fight between Dahlstrom and Benteen] Boy, you sure do kick up a lot of dust with your sermon, Reverend!
Aesop: Hey Tim! That your first shave?
Tim Ryan: Yeah.
Aesop: Maybe soon we'll have to start callin' you Ryan!
Tim Ryan: Yeah?
Maj. Amos Dundee: [after a battle, Dundee comes across Wiley, bleeding from a head wound] Wiley, are you hit?
Wiley: No, sir. My damned mule kicked me.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Now Major, or across the river in Texas?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Here's just fine, Ben.
Samuel Potts: [surveying the French army from a high rock] You boys want a fight? I've got one for you! Come up here and look!
Arthur Hadley: [Arthur and a few others are bathing in a spring] Come on in, O.W.!
O.W. Hadley: I already took my bath!
Sgt. Chillum: [about the children they have rescued from the Apache] Doesn't look like the gut-shuckers been feedin' 'em much.
Wiley: You ever seen a fat Apache?
Sgt. Chillum: I ain't yet!
Sgt. Gomez: [as the survivor's command emerges from the river] All present and accounted for, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Lieutenant Graham.
Lt. Graham: Yes, sir?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Column of twos.
Lt. Graham: Column of twos!
Maj. Amos Dundee: [to Ryan] Play us a tune, son.
Tim Ryan: [after O.W. Hadley's death; narrating] We are once again a command divided against itself. And I fear that we will not be able to overcome this separation. Even some of our own men feel bitter towards the Major, but he alone bears the burden of command and I do not feel fit to judge him.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [as Graham's artillery fires during the rescue of Dundee] Aha! Lieutenant Graham will be a General before he's thirty!
Maj. Amos Dundee: For God's sakes, Ben - leave me be!
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Why not, Amos? You aren't worth killing anyhow.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I've already been three men, Amos. That's enough for one lifetime.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Irish immigrant...
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Cashiered Army officer.
Maj. Amos Dundee: ...and Confederate renegade. And I don't like any of them.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Well, now isn't that a coincidence?
Rev. Dahlstrom: [after disarming a French soldier during a raid on their camp] Mighty is the arm of the Lord!
Capt. Frank Waller: [referring to Dundee's planned expedition] I feel it's my responsibility to report to General Carleton what I believe to be an irresponsible and reckless action.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Do your worst.
Capt. Frank Waller: You could be shot for this, Amos.
Maj. Amos Dundee: My executioners will have to stand *in line*.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Captain, give my regards to General Carleton.
Capt. Frank Waller: I hope that you're to have that pleasure yourself within the next week, Major. If not - good luck.
Maj. Amos Dundee: You surveyed this whole area with Grant in '47, didn't you?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Yes, the tequila was excellent.
Teresa Santiago: [on Tyreen] He seems a very fanciful man.
Maj. Amos Dundee: He is corrupt. But I will save him.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [after the Apache ambush] How did they know?
Samuel Potts: They're Apache.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [on Riago] And just what in hell is he?
Riago: I am tame Apache. A camp dog. Christian Indian. Charriba, is Apache.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Sam, you take this "camp dog" and go find me Charriba.
Samuel Potts: That's what you pay us for, Amos.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You were whipped, Major. Burying your dead isn't going to change that.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: I'll need five men, mounted. We'll attack their flank after you break their charge.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Bully!
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Bully...
Maj. Amos Dundee: Lieutenant Brannin didn't trust Riago, right Ryan?
Tim Ryan: Yes, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: I'm afraid I go along with that, Sam.
Samuel Potts: Well, you go along with Lieutenant Brannin. But you'll have to go along without me.
Benjamin Priam: [to Ryan, on his wound] Don't worry son - it ain't near your heart!
Maj. Amos Dundee: [to Tyreen] You were a rock once, now you're crumbling like old chalk.
Tim Ryan: [as he's being operated on] DAMN IT TO BLOODY CONFEDERATE HELL!
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: WHAT?
Tim Ryan: Sorry.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: He's alright, Reverend. He'll live forever and have a hundred children. But if you find that you have a weakness for being shot in that vicinity, I suggest you wear an iron plate in your pants.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Mr. Aesop, I am... we would like to complement you and your men on the way you handled the river crossing this afternoon.
Aesop: Thank you, sir.
Lt. Graham: You'd let Charriba escape?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Let's say I'm giving him... equal opportunity.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You don't have the temprament to be a liberator, Amos.
Sierra Charriba: PONY SOLDIER! I am Sierra Charriba! Who you send against me now?
Lt. Graham: [to an artilleryman, just before the final battle] Simon? Get the fuse ready. We're about to engage the pride of Europe.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [Tyreen and his men are caught after trying to escape] Evening, Ben.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Good evening, Amos.
Maj. Amos Dundee: You should've tried it *before* I took command.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Command of what? The burial detail?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: How many men do you need?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Twenty. Good ones.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Until the Apache is taken or destroyed - only that?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Agreed.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: If it's... too rich for you... hang us now, and be done with it.
Maj. Amos Dundee: I might just hang you and that Injun from the same tree, Ben.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: You'll play hell getting it done, Amos!
Capt. Frank Waller: Are you pursuing the Apache, Major, or a promotion?
Maj. Amos Dundee: Whatever my reasons are, Frank, you'd better get down on your knees and pray to God I don't decide to take you with me.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [referring to Potts's Apache scouts] You expect me to believe these Apache would turn on their own families, track down their own people?
Samuel Potts: Well, why not? Everybody else seems to be doin' it.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [Dundee and his men have brought back Tyreen and the escaped Confederates to the fort] Well, Captain, I brought back your wandering boys. Now you tell me how they got loose.
Capt. Frank Waller: They clubbed two guards and went over the wall. It should be pointed out, Major, that at the time of their escape, 134 men of this command were a half day's march from here, either digging graves or rotting in the sun, waiting to be buried.
Maj. Amos Dundee: I want every prisoner that can walk on this parade ground in ten minutes - including those in irons.
Aesop: Sir. I'd like to volunteer, sir. Me and my six coloreds.
Maj. Amos Dundee: I haven't asked for volunteers from the command yet.
Aesop: We're the ones doing the asking, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Why?
Aesop: To fight, sir. We've been standing guard and cleaning stables for nearly two years now.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Tomorrow, you ask the officer of the day to see me... you and your six coloreds.
Aesop: [salutes Dundee] Thank you, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [having found Riago crucified to a tree] Go cut him down, Sam.
Samuel Potts: You cut him down, Major. I think he's earned it.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Captain Tyreen, is the prospect of your serving under your country's flag once again more appealing than continuing to drag its chains in this prison?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: It is *not* my country, Major Dundee. I damn its flag, and I damn you. And I would rather *hang* than serve!
[the Confederate prisoners begin whistling "Dixie" and rattling their chains, creating a loud racket]
Sgt. Gomez: [to Dundee] Corporal Veitch just died, sir.
Maj. Amos Dundee: [shouts] Then hang you shall!
[noise dies down]
Maj. Amos Dundee: You're going to stand trial for a charge of murder, Ben. You and your four good friends. That guard you clubbed just died.
Arthur Hadley: [Tyreen and his escaped men are brought back into the fort as Dundee orders the garrison to assemble] They're gonna throw us a party, Captain.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: It sure looks like it.
Maj. Amos Dundee: Why don't you get two of your best men to help Sergeant Gomez take those children back to Fort Benlin?
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: [chuckles slightly] We'll still outnumber you, Amos!
Maj. Amos Dundee: You surely will, Ben. Now go do as you're told.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: Yes, sir.
Capt. Benjamin Tyreen: But only until the Apache is taken or destroyed.