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The Ipcress File (1965) Poster

Quotes

Major Dalby: The next time you use CC1 authority, just you make sure you have it!

Palmer: You know, it's funny... If Radcliffe had been here, I'd have been... a hero.

Major Dalby: He wasn't. And you're not.

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Raid Inspector: It looks as if all this has been laid on for nothing. That's not good enough.

Major Dalby: According to Central Clearing House, this operation was timed to start at 2.25. You started at 2.35. *That*'s not good enough!

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Colonel Ross: [after Palmer has shot Dalby] I was counting on you being an insubordinate bastard, Palmer.

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Palmer: The fellow whose job I'm taking, will he show me the ropes?

Major Dalby: Maybe - if you're in touch with the spirit world.

Palmer: I beg your pardon?

Major Dalby: He was shot this morning.

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Major Dalby: The Americans have put a tail on Palmer.

Colonel Ross: How very tiresome of them.

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Colonel Ross: [shopping with Palmer] Beef-A-Roni? Extraordinary.

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Inspector Keightley: That little blonde bird you was with the other evening...

Palmer: Rita?

Inspector Keightley: That's it. What's her phone number?

Palmer: You dirty old man!

Inspector Keightley: Well, you scratch my back and I'll scratch hers.

Palmer: You ought to be locked up!

Inspector Keightley: I know.

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[Palmer prepares to leave]

Inspector Keightley: Now wait a minute. What about her telephone number?

Palmer: Oh... Disconnected!

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Carswell: Don't worry, man. You were the only one to come up with anything. He seemed very pleased.

Palmer: Well, he's got a right comical way of showing it.

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[Carswell is showing Palmer the title of a book]

Palmer: [reads] "Induction of Psychoneuroses by Conditioned Reflex Under Stress". What does that mean?

Carswell: It means I know now why 17 scientists ceased to function.

Palmer: Yes?

Carswell: Look again, boy...

Carswell: [points out the essential letters of the title] I-P-C-R-E-S-S.

Palmer: Ipcress!

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Major Dalby: [of Palmer's dossier] It isn't usual to read a B107 to its subject, Palmer; but I'm gonna put you straight. "Insubordinate. Insolent. A trickster. Perhaps with criminal tendencies."

Palmer: Yes, that's a pretty fair appraisal - sir.

Major Dalby: Good. That last quality might be useful. But if I have any trouble with you, Palmer, I shall *bite* you, Palmer, and I shall bite you so hard you'll go right back to where Ross found you!

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[Palmer and Dalby are attending a performance of a military band playing Mozart]

Palmer: Very neat. Must we sit through any more of this torture? I've got a lot of things to do.

Major Dalby: I think they're playing very well.

Palmer: Tell me who wins.

[gets up and leaves]

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[Palmer comes home early to find agent Courtney searching his flat]

Courtney: You're supposed to be at work.

Palmer: Oh, you are, of course.

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Palmer: Have you seen everything?

Courtney: Yes, thank you.

Palmer: Then you know where the... whiskey is?

Courtney: Yes.

Palmer: Fix us both one, will you?

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Bluejay: [to a guard] See that there's padding on those straps next time.

Palmer: You want to make it easy for me?

Bluejay: No. For *me*.

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Palmer: You didn't come here to talk to me about button mushrooms and birds.

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[Courtney has found a gun in Palmer's apartment]

Courtney: You know this is unauthorised.

Palmer: My mother gave it to me for Christmas.

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Palmer: What are you gonna tell Dalby on your L101?

Courtney: That you like girls.

Palmer: You got that right.

Courtney: You're not the tearaway he thinks you are. You also like books, music, cooking.

Palmer: I like birds best.

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Courtney: Do you always wear your glasses?

Palmer: Yes. Except in bed.

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Colonel Ross: [telling Palmer about his upcoming transfer to Major Dalby's department] You won't have much time for cooking. Dalby *works* his men. And he doesn't have my sense of humor.

Palmer: [Said with a straight face] Yes, sir. I will miss that, sir.

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Palmer: [Inside the modern grocery store] I haven't seen you here before, sir.

Colonel Ross: No, well, I don't, um, really care for these American... shopping methods. One has to move with the times, I suppose, hmm?

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Major Dalby: And we still have to find Radcliffe, gentlemen. That means more legwork and fewer inspired hunches.

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Colonel Ross: [Inside a modern grocery store, picking up a can of mushrooms out of Palmer's shopping cart] "Champignons"... You're paying ten pence more for a fancy French label. If you want mushrooms, you'd get better value on the next shelf.

Palmer: It's not just the label. These *do* have a better flavor.

Colonel Ross: Of course... You're quite the gourmet, aren't you?

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Palmer: Stick *that* in my B-107.

Colonel Ross: Very funny.

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Major Dalby: Congratulations, Palmer. You've just killed an American agent.

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First Agent: [Palmer is late in arriving for his surveillance shift] You should get up in the morning. Twenty minutes late you are, you know.

Palmer: Anything new?

First Agent: It's all in the report. And it's neat and tidy - unlike some. You ought to remember you're still in the Army, boyo

Palmer: I'll tell you what, you remember for me.

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Palmer: [Reporting to Col. Ross's office] Sergeant Palmer, reporting as ordered.

Colonel Ross: Close the door... And don't slouch into my office like a pregnant camel. Stand to attention.

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Colonel Ross: You just love the army, don't you?

Palmer: Oh, yes, sir. I just love the army, sir.

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Major Dalby: A word in your shell-like ear: If there's anything to be reported to Ross, *I* report it. Understand?

Palmer: Yes, sir.

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Major Dalby: [at the armorers] Give him your gun. Issue him with a Colt .32.

Murray: [hands Palmer a revolver] Do you know how to use this?

Palmer: Colt .32? Yes. I'd sooner have my automatic...

Major Dalby: [sternly] Use the Colt.

Palmer: I'll use the Colt.

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Courtney: You were bailed out of detention barracks.

Palmer: Yes, I was.

Courtney: So, What bailed you in?

Palmer: Er... I was stationed in Berlin and I was making rather a lot of money out of the German army, and they insisted that the British army made an example of me.

Courtney: What did you do?

Palmer: It's very complicated.

Courtney: It impressed Ross.

Palmer: It impressed me. Boy, has he got me by the short hairs for it. Still, it's better than two years in the nick. The food's terrible.

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Colonel Ross: I want you to do a job for me.

Palmer: Have I any choice?

Colonel Ross: Frankly, no.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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