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Help! (1965) Poster

(1965)

Quotes

[At Scotland Yard]

John: Hold on, it's them! Only me and Paul know we're here.

George: I know we're here.

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Ringo: The Fire Brigade once got my head out of some railings.

John: Did you want them to?

Ringo: No, I used to leave it there when I wasn't using it for school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.

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Bhuta: [in the Indian restaurant, referring to Ringo] Excuse me, sirs, but if he is to be sacrificed before the dread Kaili, why is he not painted red?

John: That's a question I'll never be able to pluck up the courage to ask but as he's me best friend I will.

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[Ringo's hand is trapped in the sandwich dispenser]

Ringo: Hey someone's got hold of me finger!

John: Are you trying to attract attention again?

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John: Stop dragging things down to your own level, it's immature son.

Ringo: I thought, Well I... I thought she was a sandwich, 'til she went spare on me hand.

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[after a failed attempt to steal Ringo's ring]

Ringo: Hey! You've been messing about with me in my kip!

John: Eh?

Ringo: No, I mean, you know, with a fishing rod.

John: I wouldn't touch it with a plastic one. What are you doing on the floor?

Ringo: I'm tired.

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Clang: [offering a bagful of gold] Psst! Hey, Be-a-tle! You shall have fun, yes?

John: No thanks, I'm rhythm guitar and mouth organ.

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Ringo: What was it that first attracted you to me?

John: Well, you're very polite, aren't you?

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John: [to Ringo whose arm is trapped inside a mail box] What are you doing?

Ringo: Posting a letter.

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Ringo: There's more here than meets the eye!

George: Ho ho.

John: Ho.

George: Ho ho.

John: Ho.

George: Ho ho ho

John: Ho ho!

George: Ho ho.

John: Huh ho.

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John: How do you feel?

[puts light bulb to Ringo's mouth like a microphone]

Ringo: I used to use my hands.

John: [speaks into "microphone" in funny voice] He used to use his hands.

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George: [realizing the curling stone is actually a bomb] Hey, it's a thingie! A fiendish thingie!

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Superintendent: So this is the famous ring?

Ringo: I'm in fear of me life, you know!

Superintendent: And these are the famous Beatles?

John: So this is the famous Scotland Yard, eh?

Superintendent: And how long do you think you'll last?

John: Can't say fairer than that. The Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?

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[Hypnotism attempt over the phone from a public phone box]

Clang: Go to the window.

John: Hey! It's them!

[the Beatles block their ears]

Clang: Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window.

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Paul: [voice distorted] It is one of those rela tela camenzas!

George: Bad machine!

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George: Hey, you're all red again.

Ringo: I know, I'm beginning to like it!

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Ringo: [to Clang after he has taken off the ring and put it on Clang] Get sacrificed! I don't subscribe to your religion!

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John: Oh, why don't you chop it off, Ringo?

Ringo: Look John, I've had some great times with this finger.

[to Paul]

Ringo: And how do you know I wouldn't miss it?

Paul: You're a rat underneath, aren't you?

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Ringo: [Paul returns to normal after hiding in the ashtray on the floor] Look!

Paul: Yech, I'm all sticky.

[sees Ringo covered in paint]

Paul: You're all red!

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Superintendent: Allow me. I'm a bit of a famous mimic in my own small way, you know James Cagney.

[imitating Ringo on the phone]

Superintendent: Hello, there, this is the famous Ringo here, gear fab. What is it that I can do for you, as it were, gear fab?

George: Not a bit like Cagney.

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Cameo: Boys, are you buzzing?

John: No thanks, I've got the car!

Cameo: No no no. I'll have to play it back. You'll have to do it again!

[He plays the recording back so they can hear the buzzing sound]

John: Is that you?

Paul: No.

George: Well don't look at me.

[Ringo and his drums crash through the sawn-through floor to the room below]

John: That was you buzzing! You naughty boy!

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George: How's your equilibrium ring?

Ringo: How's yours? You lied again, George.

George: How'd you know it's not you that's lied.

Ringo: Cause I never am. Am I, Paul?

Paul: Yeah, you are.

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George: [referring to a drill coming through a painting] What's that?

Austrian Waiter: What's what?

George: That little whirly thing coming out of his stomach.

Austrian Waiter: I can't look!

[a hose comes through the whole the drill made]

John: It's only a hose.

[the waiter faints as the Beatles investigate the hose]

Paul: [listens into the hose then hands it to John] It's for you.

John: Who is it?

Paul: The gardener.

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[One of Clang's men is choking John]

John: Get off!

[George jumps in to help, but Clang's man falls aside. George ends up choking John]

John: It's me, you fool!

George: [Still choking John] Oh, sorry!

John: Well, stop it!

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Clang: Something must be done. Without the ring, there will be no sacrifice. Without the sacrifice, there will be no congregation. Without the congregation no more me.

Bhuta: This is so.

[Clang hits Bhuta]

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Clang: [realizing the ring is gone] The ring!

Ahme: The ring!

Bhuta: Has nobody looked in the wash basin?

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Bhuta: It's cold, it's a cold place.

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[Offering gold to Paul]

Clang: Hey, Be-a-tle! How about this, eh? Shufty gold! All of it pure gold in easy-to-handle denominational nuggets. Not marked, not a mark on 'em, eh?

Paul: No, I hate them.

Ahme: No!

Paul: I I do! I mean, they make your fingers go green.

Ahme: It is not the Beatle with the ring, he.

Paul: Aren't I?

Ahme: No unfortunately!

[laughs as Paul gives her a dirty look]

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Clang: Quickly, quickly.

Bhuta: Yes, yes.

Clang: In, in.

Bhuta: Right, right.

Clang: All in together now Sir.

[Harrods van won't start]

Clang: What! Arrgghh!

Bhuta: Shilling

Clang: Shilling?

Bhuta: Oh, Shilling.

Clang: Shilling, now.

Bhuta: Off, off.

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[to an Indian man standing on his head]

John: Doesn't the blood rush to your head Sir?

[In the restaurant kitchen]

George: Doesn't the eastern flavor come rather expensive?

[Paul to belly dancer]

Paul: Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?

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Ahme: He has three hours to live.

Paul: Say no more.

Ahme: I can say no more.

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John: [finding a season ticket in his soup] What's this?

Ringo: A season ticket. What do you think it is?

John: Oh. I like a lot of seasoning in me soup.

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John: There's somebody been in this soup.

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Professor Foot: MIT was after me, you know. Wanted me to rule the world for them.

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George: What's your electric bill like?

Algernon: Sort of a long counterfoil!

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Ringo: I like operations. They give you a sense of outlook, don't they?

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Professor Foot: Voltage, Voltage! Up up. Up up

Paul: Up, up.

John: Up

Ringo: Are you sure I'm earthed?

Algernon: Oh no! Er, hold on, thank you.

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Professor Foot: He's an idiot. Degree in woodwork. I ask you!

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Algernon: [about Professor Foot] It's more than my job's worth to stop him when he's like this. He's out to rule the world if he can get a government grant.

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Professor Foot: It's the brain drain, his brain's draining.

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Ahme: Hold! Release him or I shoot, and I am a dead-eye shot, shooting.

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Jeweller: We have all sorts of little problems like this, sir. Some of them matrimonial!

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George: [referring to Ringo's finger] Hey, there might be some insurance.

John: I wouldn't think of such a thing!

[whispering]

John: Find out, eh?

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Bhuta: [to thuggees just before attack on Beatles' house] Alright, alright. Synchronize your watches. You, you, you and you, paint him red, then kill him!

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Narrator: End of Part One. Intermission.

[short clip of the Beatles frolicking in a meadow]

Narrator: End of Intermission. Part Two.

[cut to a nurse bathing Ahme's sister]

Lady: Where you been, eh? You been up at that temple again, ain't ya? You're as bad as your sister, coming home from work all hours and all colors.

Narrator: End of Part Two. Part Three: Later That Evening.

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John: Get me the Home Office. He's wrecking my home!

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John: [George has just passed out from seeing the size of Ahme's hypodermic needle] Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways!

Ahme: No! It is Clang, the high priest, who is filthy in his Eastern ways.

John: How do we know you're not just as filthy, and sent by him to nick the ring by being filthy when you've lulled us with your filthy Eastern ways?

Paul: What filthy ways are these?

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Ringo: They have to paint me red before they chop me. It's a different religion from ours. I think.

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Superintendent: [cowering under his desk] There's a strong case for arming the police. We aren't all masochists, you know.

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Clang: Take this hastily scribbled note, hastily to acting Lance Corporal Bhuta. Off!

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Professor Foot: With a ring like that I could dare I say it? Rule the world.

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[John and Paul are trying to get Ringo to cut his finger off]

Paul: You don't miss your tonsils, do yer?

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George: I'm always getting winked at these days. It used to be you didn't it Paul?

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[Ringo is trapped in a cellar with a tiger]

Superintendent: Good lord, it's Rajah, the famous Bengal man-eater who escaped from London Zoo this morning.

John: Good Lord! So it famous is!

Superintendent: Oh, don't worry, he's absolutely harmless. All you have to do is sing Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from the famous Ninth Symphony in D minor.

John: Of course! Why didn't you think of that you twit!

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[In disguise at the airport. Newspapers have discovered their destination]

Ringo: Okay, who let it out?

John: Nobody'll know!

Paul: We're not going there.

John: We just put it 'round we're going there.

Paul: We're not going there!

John: We just put it 'round we're going there!

George: Just so everybody'd think we were going there.

Ringo: I'd like to go there.

John: You wouldn't like it.

Ringo: Where are we going, then?

John: Never you mind.

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Paul: [Speaking to washer woman] Do you know Clang?

Washerwoman: I'm his mother, and he's good boy!

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[Paul tracking foot prints]

Paul: Easterner with greasy feet speak with fork tongue.

John: Does he? What's he say?

Paul: Passing this way, hot foot, many moons to temple.

George: Don't encourage him. You've got the part Paul!

John: Dare we ask how you know?

Ringo: How?

Paul: How? I saw these footprints and this guide book which points out places of local worship.

John: To the temple!

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Superintendent: Oh come on now lads, don't be windy, where's that famous pluck?

John: I haven't got any, have you George?

George: Did have.

Paul: I have had.

Ringo: I will have! Lead on!

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Paul: My skin's soaked right through to the skin!

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Ahme: [to camera] I am not what I seem.

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Ringo: [Ringo approaches the bar and asks for] Two lagers and lime and two lagers and lime

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Ahme: [to Ringo, holding a syringe] This will make your finger shrink. Be brave.

John: Don't look.

Ahme: [into the camera] Alas, if he were brave, this would not be necessary.

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Ahme: [Pulls out a shot] I have here.

[George faints]

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Algernon: [fumbling with wires and plugs] I'm better with animals than plugs and transistors they trust me! I should've gone into vivisection.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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