Clang:
Something must be done. Without the ring, there will be no sacrifice. Without the sacrifice, there will be no congregation. Without the congregation... no... more... me.
Bhuta:
This is so.
Clang:
We must find the ring.
Bhuta:
Has nobody looked in the wash basin?
[
Ringo's hand is trapped in the sandwich dispenser]
Ringo:
Hey someone's got hold of me finger!
John:
Are you trying to attract attention again?
John:
Stop dragging things down to your own level, it's immature son.
Ringo:
Well I... Well I thought she was a sandwich, 'til she went spare on me finger.
Bhuta:
It's cold, it's a cold place.
[
a failed attempt to steal Ringo's ring]
Ringo:
Hey! Have you been messing about with me in my kip?
John:
Eh?
Ringo:
No, I mean, you know, with a fishing rod.
John:
I wouldn't touch it with a plastic one. What are you doing on the floor?
Ringo:
I'm tired.
[
Offering gold to Paul]
Clang:
Hey, Be-a-tle! How about this, eh? Shufty... gold! All of it pure gold in easy-to-handle denominational nuggets. Not marked, not a mark on 'em, eh?
Paul:
No, I hate them.
Ahme:
No!
Paul:
I... I do! I mean, they make your fingers go green.
Ahme:
It is not the Beatle with the ring, he.
Paul:
Aren't I?
Ahme:
No... unfortunately!
Clang:
[
offering a bagful of gold] Psst! Hey, Be-a-tle! You shall have fun, yes?
John:
No thanks, I'm rhythm guitar and mouth organ.
Clang:
Quickly, quickly.
Bhuta:
Yes, yes.
Clang:
In, in.
Bhuta:
Right, right.
Clang:
All in together now Sir.
[
Harrods van won't start]
Clang:
What! Arrgghh!
Bhuta:
Shilling
Clang:
Shilling?
Bhuta:
Oh, Shilling.
Clang:
Shilling, now.
Bhuta:
Off, off.
Ringo:
What was it that first attracted you to me?
John:
Well, you're very polite, aren't you?
John:
[
to Ringo whose arm is trapped inside a mail box] What are you doing?
Ringo:
Posting a letter.
Ringo:
There's more here than meets the eye!
George:
Ho ho.
John:
Ho.
George:
Ho ho.
John:
Ho.
George:
Ho ho ho
John:
Ho ho!
George:
Ho ho.
John:
Huh ho.
[
to an Indian man standing on his head]
John:
Doesn't the blood rush to your head Sir?
[
In the restaurant kitchen]
George:
Doesn't the eastern flavor come rather expensive?
[
Paul to belly dancer]
Paul:
Doesn't the blood rush to your stomach?
Ahme:
He has three hours to live.
Paul:
Say no more.
Ahme:
I can say no more.
John:
What's this?
Ringo:
It's a season ticket. What do you think it is?
John:
Oh. I like a lot of seasoning in me soup.
George:
There's somebody been in this soup.
Professor Foot:
MIT was after me, you know. Wanted me to rule the world for them.
George:
What's your electric bill like?
Algernon:
Sort of a long counterfoil!
John:
How do you feel?
[
puts light bulb to Ringo's mouth like a microphone]
Ringo:
I used to use my hands.
John:
[
speaks into "microphone" in funny voice] He used to use his hands.
Ringo:
I like operations. They give you a sense of outlook, don't they?
Professor Foot:
Voltage, VOLTAGE! Up up. Up up
Paul:
Up, up.
John:
Up
Ringo:
Are you sure I'm earthed?
Algernon:
Oh no! Er, hold on, thank you.
Professor Foot:
He's an idiot. Degree in woodwork. I ask you!
Algernon:
Stop him? Me? It's more than my job's worth to stop him once he gets started. He's out to rule the world... if he can get a government grant.
Professor Foot:
It's the brain drain, his brain's draining.
Ahme:
Hold! Release him or I shoot, and I am a dead-eye shot, shooting.
Jeweller:
We have all sorts of little problems like this, sir. Some of them matrimonial!
George:
Hey, there might be some insurance.
John:
I wouldn't think of such a thing!
John:
[
Whispering] Find out will you?
Bhuta:
Alright, alright. Synchronize your watches. You, you, you and you, paint him red, then kill him!
Narrator:
End of Part One. Intermission. End of Intermission. Part Two.
[
short clip of the Beatles frolicking in a meadow]
Narrator:
End of Intermission. Part Two.
[
cut to a nurse bathing Ahme's sister]
Lady:
Where you been, eh? You been up at that temple again, ain't ya? You're as bad as your sister, coming home from work all hours and all colors.
Narrator:
End of Part Two. Part Three: Later That Evening.
John:
Get me the Home Office. He's wrecking my home!
John:
Now see what you've done with your filthy Eastern ways!
Ahme:
No! It is Clang, the high priest, who is filthy in his Eastern ways.
John:
How do we know you're not just as filthy, and sent by him to nick the ring by being filthy when you've lulled us with your filthy Eastern ways?
Paul:
What filthy ways are these?
George:
Hey, it's a thingie! A fiendish thingie!
Superintendent:
So this is the famous Beatles?
John:
So this is the famous Scotland Yard, eh?
Superintendent:
And how long do you think you'll last?
John:
Can't say fairer than that. Great Train Robbery, eh? How's that going?
Ringo:
They have to paint me red before they chop me. It's a different religion from ours. I think.
[
At Scotland Yard]
John:
Hold on, it's them! Only me and Paul know we're here.
George:
I know we're here.
[
Hypnotism attempt over the phone from a public phone box]
Clang:
Go to the window .
John:
Hey! It's them!
[
the Beatles block their ears]
Clang:
Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window, Go to the window.
Superintendent:
[
cowering under his desk] There's a strong case for arming the police. We aren't all masochists, you know.
Clang:
Take this hastily scribbled note, hastily to acting Lance Corporal Bhuta. Off!
Professor Foot:
With a ring like that I could - dare I say it? - rule the world.
Paul:
[
voice distorted] It is one of those rela... tela... camenzas!
George:
Bad machine!
[
John and Paul are trying to get Ringo to cut his finger off]
Paul:
You don't miss your tonsils, do yer?
George:
I'm always getting winked at these days. It used to be you didn't it Paul?
[
Ringo is trapped in a cellar with a tiger]
Superintendent:
Oh look! It's Raj, The famous Bengal man-eater who escaped from London Zoo this morning.
John:
Good Lord! So it famous is!
Superintendent:
Oh, don't worry, he's absolutely harmless. All you have to do is sing Beethoven's "Ode to Joy" from the famous ninth Symphony in D minor.
John:
Of course! Why didn't you think of that you twit!
[
In disguise at the airport. Newspapers have discovered their destination]
Ringo:
Okay, who let it out?
John:
Nobody'll know!
Paul:
We're not going there.
John:
We just put it 'round we're going there.
Paul:
We're not going there!
John:
We just put it 'round we're going there!
George:
Just so everybody'd think we were going there.
Ringo:
I'd like to go there.
John:
You wouldn't like it.
Ringo:
Where are we going, then?
John:
Never you mind.
Paul:
[
Speaking to washer woman] Do you know Clang?
Washerwoman:
I'm his mother, and he's good boy!
[
Paul tracking foot prints]
Paul:
Easterner with greasy feet speak with fork tongue.
John:
Does he? What's he say?
Paul:
Passing this way, hot foot, many moons to temple.
George:
Don't encourage him. You've got the part Paul!
John:
Dare we ask how you know?
Ringo:
How?
Paul:
How! I saw these footprints and this guide book which points out places of local worship.
John:
To the temple!
Superintendent:
Oh come on now lads, don't be windy, where's that famous pluck?
John:
I haven't got any, have you George?
George:
Did have.
Paul:
I have had.
Ringo:
I will have! Lead on!
George:
Hey, you're all red again.
Ringo:
I know, I'm beginning to like it!
Paul:
My skin's soaked right through to the skin!
Ahme:
[
to camera] I am not what I seem.
Ringo:
I don't subscribe to your religion!
Ringo:
[
Ringo approaches the bar and asks for] Two lagers and lime and two lagers and lime
Ringo:
The Fire Brigade once got my head out of some railings.
John:
Did you want them to?
Ringo:
No, I used to leave it there when I wasn't using it for school. You can see a lot of the world from railings.
Ringo:
Look, John, I've had some great good times with this finger, and how do you know I wouldn't miss it?
John:
Oh, why don't you chop it off, Ringo?
Ringo:
Look John, I've had some great times with this finger.
[
to Paul]
Ringo:
And how do you know I wouldn't miss it?
Paul:
You're a rat underneath, aren't you?
[
Paul returns to normal after hiding in the ashtray on the floor]
Paul:
Yech, I'm all sticky.
[
sees Ringo covered in paint]
Paul:
You're all red!
Ahme:
[
to Ringo, holding a syringe] This will make your finger shrink. Be brave.
John:
Don't look.
Ahme:
[
into the camera] Alas, if you were brave, this would not be necessary.
Superintendent:
Allow me. I'm a bit of a famous mimic in my own small way, you know... James Cagney...
[
imitating Ringo on the phone]
Superintendent:
Hello, there, this is the famous Ringo here, gear fab. What is it that I can do for you, as it were, gear fab?
George:
Not a bit like Cagney.
John:
It was you buzzing! You naughty boy!
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