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The Great Race (1965) Poster

Quotes

[On a melting iceberg]

Leslie: You better keep it to yourself.

Fate: Oh, of course I'll keep it to myself.

[to himself]

Fate: Until the water reaches my lower lip, and then I'm going to mention it to *somebody*!

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Professor Fate: Leslie escaped?

General: With a small friar.

Professor Fate: Leslie escaped with a chicken?

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Leslie: Are you a native of Burracho?

Lily Olay: I ain't no native, I was born here!

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Max: Red sky. Gonna be a storm.

Professor Fate: What are you babbling about?

Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning.

Professor Fate: Why, you simple-headed gherkin, do you know the chances of a storm in this part of the world at this time of the year?

Max: No, what?

Professor Fate: Hundred to one.

[a great thunderclap; it begins to pour rain]

Max: Red sky in the morning, sailor take warning!

Professor Fate: Why you idiot!

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Prince Hapnick: You! You're the cause of it all! It was your idea!

General: No, no your highness... Baron von Schtupp

Prince Hapnik: I don't care, I don't care! You're banished. I'm getting a new tucker-inner! Banished, banished, banished!

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The Baron: He who fights and runs away lives to fight another day. So, until another day, Mr. Leslie.

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[repeated line]

Professor Fate: Push the button, Max!

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[on the iceberg]

Fate: You're wasting your time!

Leslie: Perhaps.

Fate: We're melting!

Leslie: Slowly.

Max: We're gonna sink!

Leslie: Eventually.

Fate: Then you're wasting your time!

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Prince Hapnik: Course there is one good thing, when one was young, one could play along the corridors. I used to ride my pony up and down this corridor when I was young, then I grew up, got drunk, and fell off!

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[gets hit in the face with a pie]

Prince Hapnick: [tastes pie] umm... brandy! Throw more brandy, throw brandy! More brandy! Brandy!

[gets hit again with a pie]

Prince Hapnick: umm... rum! I never mix my pies!

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Cowboy: He's lucky Texas Jack ain't around... he'd gun that dude for sure!

Professor Fate: Pardon me, Mr. Pahd-nuh, who is this Texas Jack?

Cowboy: WHO'S TEXAS JACK?

Professor Fate: Who?

Cowboy: The roughest, toughest gunslinger in these parts... Lilly's his girl!

Professor Fate: Whoo, hoo, hoo... Lilly's his girl.

Max: Terrific...

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Professor Fate: What's next?

Max: Car number five, the engine falls out!

Professor Fate: Car number five! Ha ha ha ha!

[beat]

Professor Fate: Er, Max... *we're* number five.

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[On a melting iceberg]

Max: We gotta do something.

Professor Fate: Oh, don't worry. Before this iceberg melts and we drown like rats, we're going to do plenty.

Max: Yeah? What?

Professor Fate: We're gonna starve!

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Max: Rise and shine, Professor.

Professor Fate: You rise! You shine!

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Professor Fate: [after a disaterously failed stunt] I'd like to see the great Leslie try *that*!

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Professor Fate: You cheated! Cheated! I hate you! I refuse to accept! I won't win any way but my way! You've ruined my reputation, do you hear? You I hate! You and your hair that's always combed, your suit that's always white, your car that's always clean! I refuse to accept! I challenge you to another race!

[crowd cheers]

Leslie: Get off my hood!

Professor Fate: Another race!

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Maggie DuBois: I want to thank you again for this opportunity, Mr. Goodbody.

Henry Goodbody: I had very little choice after your conversation with my wife.

Hester Goodbody: Henry, if you can't be more gracious, shut up!

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Maggie DuBois: And because I consider myself sexually free and morally emancipated, I am still a responsible, discriminating woman who does not intend to jump into bed with the first wavy-haired, muscle-bound, egocentric male who thinks he can seduce me by agreeing with some of the things I believe in.

Leslie: I only wanted to kiss you!

Maggie DuBois: Why?

Leslie: Because I love you, that's why!

Maggie DuBois: Ha!

Leslie: You don't believe me, huh?

Maggie DuBois: I do not!

[Leslie stops the car, inches from the finish line]

Maggie DuBois: What are you doing?

Leslie: Proving that I love you.

Maggie DuBois: But you'll lose the race!

Leslie: Can you think of a better way to prove it?

[Leslie kisses Maggie]

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Professor Fate: What is the word for "friends"?

Maggie DuBois: Professor...

Professor Fate: Shut up!

Max: I don't know the language.

Professor Fate: Well, get the dictionary!

Max: Dictionary. Right.

[Max flips through the pages]

Max: I got it, I got it.

Professor Fate: What is it, what is it?

Max: [frowns] I can't pronounce it.

[Fate grabs the dictionary]

Professor Fate: Very simple. Dru... Druz...

Maggie DuBois: Druzya.

Professor Fate: Druzya...

[Fate and Max stare at Maggie]

Maggie DuBois: I speak, read, and write French... Russian... and Arabic.

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Leslie: It's just that you bear an uncanny resemblance to someone we both know.

Prince Hapnick: Someone who looks like me?

Leslie: Yes, sir.

Prince Hapnick: [laughing, then comes silent pause] Poor fellow.

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Maggie DuBois: You lost.

Leslie: Only the race.

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Maggie DuBois: You mean amazing because I'm a woman.

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Baron von Stuppe: Well, Mr. Leslie. I had expected to see you again, but... eh... Not with a sword in your hand. Are you partial to the foil?

Leslie: Not particularly. It happened to be convenient.

Baron von Stuppe: I presume you know how to use one.

Leslie: I hope that won't be necessary.

Baron von Stuppe: I'm sure you do.

Leslie: Will you release Ms. Dubois and the others?

Baron von Stuppe: No...

Leslie: I'm afraid this will be necessary.

Baron von Stuppe: You're being very foolish, Mr. Leslie.

Leslie: That's an assumption, Baron. You make me the victim even before we start!

Baron von Stuppe: [shrugs] It's your life...

Leslie: [gestures with sword] You're assuming again.

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Leslie: Minutes have made the difference in survival, Miss DuBois.

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Professor Fate: The eternal struggle takes time, Max.

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[repeated line]

Professor Fate: [shouts] Maaaax!

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Fate: I am Professor Fate!

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FateMax: A Parachute?

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Max: [talking to Fate, referring to Fate's bandaged hands] Would you like me to feed you?

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[Leslie encounters Maggie stranded in the desert]

Leslie: I'm offering you a lift.

[Maggie ignores him]

Leslie: Or would you prefer an engraved invitation?

Maggie DuBois: I might consider an apology.

Leslie: An apology? For what? It's twenty miles back to Borracho, you'd never make it.

Maggie DuBois: Well, that's your fault.

Leslie: MY fault?

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[Fate's car is met by a group of austere villagers]

Max: You give 'em beads, that makes 'em friendly.

Professor Fate: Obviously, they don't know who I am.

[Fate stands up]

Professor Fate: I AM PROFESSOR FATE!

[the crowd is silent. Fate slinks back into his seat]

Max: Wanna try the beads?

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Professor Fate: Sh-sh-sh-sh-shut up!

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Fate: I won't do it!

General: Then you leave us no alternative.

[He draws a gun and points it at him]

Fate: I'll do it!

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General: When we get back to the palace, you must trim your mustache. You must look exactly like the prince. Can you laugh?

Fate: What do you mean, can I laugh?

General: Well, the prince has a very individual laugh.

Fate: Like what?

General: Uh... ah ha HA ha ha.

[Fate tries to leave, but the General stops him and demonstrates again]

General: Ah ha HA ha ha.

Fate: HA HA HA HA HA.

General: No, that's too much bass. The prince is more of a soprano.

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Leslie: It's been my experience, General, that there is little advantage to winning if one wins too easily.

Prince Hapnik: Rah! Oh oh, rah! Oh rah! Oh rah ah ah! What do you think of that, General?

General: An admirable point of view, for anyone but a soldier. In my profession, to win is imperative. To win easily is a blessing.

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[last lines]

Max: C'mon Professor. Go, Go!

Fate: Relax. This time I'm going to win it my way. Push the button Max!

[cut to shot of Eifel Tower collapsing]

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Professor Fate: The world is mine!

Max: The world is ours!

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Max: Here come the Marines!

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Professor Fate: She's his Achilles heel, she's our ace in the hole - she must not be left behind!

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Maggie DuBois: Max, you little rat! I'll get you for this!

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Professor Fate: What'd I tell you? I said she'd win the race for us, the bubble-headed vixen!

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Max: [stumbling about in a blinding snowstorm] Professor, where are you?

Professor Fate: Behind the rock!

Max: Behind which rock?

[trips over Professor Fate]

Professor Fate: This rock, you idiot!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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