Cat Ballou (1965)
[after a drunken Kid Sheleen shoots at a target on the barn]
Clay Boone: He did it! He missed the barn!
Jackson Two-Bears: Kid, Kid, what a time to fall off the wagon. Look at your eyes.
Kid Sheleen: What's wrong with my eyes?
Jackson Two-Bears: Well they're red, bloodshot.
Kid Sheleen: You ought to see 'em from my side.
Kid Sheleen: Guns, bottles, fists, knives, clubs - all the same to me. All the same to you?
Kid Sheleen: At first you don't think you can stand to get hit, then you realize you can take it 'cause the blood don't matter, and you know you're gonna live. It's a great gift I'm goin' to give you - to know it don't hurt to fight!
Jackson Two-Bears: He's a murderer, a hired killer. His nose was bit off in a fight.
Frankie Ballou: If I was gonna be scared, I'd be scared of the fella who bit it off, not him!
Cat: Some gang! An Indian ranch hand, a drunken gunfighter, a sex maniac, and an uncle!
Clay Boone: I've never seen a man get through a day so fast.
Clay Boone: We can't hold up the train.
Cat: Why not?
Clay Boone: Lots of reasons.
Cat: Name 'em.
Clay Boone: We're rustlers, not train robbers.
Cat: Well, if people didn't try something new, there wouldn't be hardly any progress at all.
Kid Sheleen: Let's have a drink for old times' sake.
Butch Cassidy: Old times' sake? That means you got no cash.
Cat: Jackson, what's happening?
Jackson Two-Bears: It's ghost sickness.
Cat: What's that?
Jackson Two-Bears: In this Indian religion, see, we believe what the gods did when they made a man crazy was they made him fall in love.
Frankie Ballou: Well now, there's a game for a sheriff - liar's poker. We got our unemployed off the street and made Wolf City safe all in one brilliant stroke.
Kid Sheleen: Yeah, it's all over in Dodge. Tombstone, too; Cheyenne, Deadwood, all gone, all dead and gone. Why, the last time I came through Tombstone, the big excitement there was about the new rollerskate rink that they had laid out over the OK Corral. I'll tell you something else, I used to work for the Buffalo Bill Wild West Show and a Congress of Rough Riders. And I rescued many stagecoach passengers from road agents and drunkard injuns... in the nick of time! Twice a day, three times on Saturday.
[to Butch Cassidy and the Hole in the Wall Gang]
Cat: Some gang of cutthroats and murderers. We used to whisper your names when we were kids - scared to say them out loud. How sad - you got old.
Professor Sam The Shade: [singing] She has the smile of an angel.
The Sunrise Kid: [singing] Fights like the devil.
Professor Sam The Shade: [singing] The eyes of an angel.
The Sunrise Kid: [singing] Bites like the devil.
Professor Sam The Shade: [singing] The face of an angel.
The Sunrise Kid: [singing] I say, she's the devil.
Professor Sam The Shade: [singing] She's mean and evil through and through.
The Sunrise Kid: Cat Ballou.
Professor Sam The Shade: Cat Ballou.
Jed: [to Cat, on the train] Ma'am, I apologize for my disgusting condition and I assure you I will not inflict myself on you any further.
Professor Sam The Shade, The Sunrise Kid: [both Sam The Shade and The Sunrise Kid - as narrators/singers] Round and round and round they went, 'til man and gal and beast were spent. Round and round and round they rode... Oh, what an episode!
Sir Harry Percival: [shows her the bedroom on the train] This is the master bedroom. Do you approve?
Cat: Oh, it's swell. A regular Tintoretto!
[Jackson slugs Clay]
Clay Boone: Well, what was that for?
Jackson Two-Bears: Well, everyone else was doin' it. I got the right to share in the fun without regard to race, creed or color according to the Fourteenth Amendment.
Cat: Sir Harry Percival, I presume.
Sir Harry Percival: Really, roughing it on the frontier - how delightful!
Cat: Oh, you like our wide open spaces?
[Cat remove her cape to reveal a very low cut dress]
Sir Harry Percival: A little wine with music...
[Sir Harry winds his gramophone]
Sir Harry Percival: ...a little Nineteenth Century science, Stone Age atmosphere, Cave Man passion...
Professor Sam The Shade, The Sunrise Kid: [singing] Then there came to town, a gun deadly and frightening / A gun quicker than lightening, fasted gun you've seen. / It was the gun in the hand of Eli 'Kid' Sheleen.
Professor Sam The Shade, The Sunrise Kid: [singing] So she rode away, just where now is a mystery, / But Cat rode into history and her legend grew. / She was the Queen of the outlaws, / Her Highness Cat Ballou. / Cat Ballou, Cat Ballou. / Well, our story now is through.
The Sunrise Kid: [singing] Cat Ballou.
Professor Sam The Shade: [singing] Cat Ballou.
Cat: Oh, look at that: a painting on the ceiling!
Sir Harry Percival: Oh, yes. That's a Tintoretto.
Cat: I'll say it is.
Cat: And the first time I ask you to do something for me, like rob one little train!
Kid Sheleen: [sniffs at the faint smell of liquor] I smell a water hole!
Frankie Ballou: You'd like a drink better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stub, wouldn't you?
Cat: They're trying to drive him off his ranch! They put manure in his well, they made him talk to lawyers...
Cat: [Looks at Frankie Ballou, lying in coffin]
Cat: Why is he smiling like that? My father never smiled like that in his whole life?
Cat: [looks in coffin again, apalled]
Undertaker: Well, he's going to smile like that forever, now. Courtesy of the Wolf City Development Company.
Jed: Ma'am, I can understand your objection to rustlin' - a girl with your background and gentle upbringing - but it's the only way we can raise money.
Cat: No it's not.
Clay Boone: Well, what do you think we ought to do that's fittin' and proper?
Cat: Rob a train.
Jed: Build you life anew, ma'am. This studyin' on revenge is just turnin' your back on the future and lettin' the dead past eat at your heart.
Clay Boone: I think we'll go to St. Louis.
Cat: St. Louis?
Clay Boone: Yeah, St. Louis! City on the Missouri, railhead of the Santa Fe, jump off for the Oregon Trail - producers of beef, beer, shoes and, ah, good times.
Cat: What are you doing here?
Clay Boone: Looking for you.
Cat: But you're an outlaw.
Clay Boone: Sure am! Got a price on my head!
Clay Boone: Twenty five dollars for Jed, thirty five dollars for me. Ha ha!
Jed: I want to thank you ma'am for all your help with my nephew and I.
Cat: You killed my Father!
Sheriff Cardigan: Oh, that can't be. He's been sitting right there all morning.
Cat: No, I saw him.
Man #1: He hasn't been out that rocker all morning long.
Man #2: It's a fact.
Cat: Why do you say that?
Sheriff Cardigan: Just telling the truth.
Professor Sam The Shade: [singing] There are tear drops in her heart but they can't make her cry. / There are tear drops in her heart but they can't make her cry. / She's lost all the kin that she's known, and the tears will turn into stone / All the teardrops in her heart, 'cause they can't make her cry.
Cat: All right! You all say you love me and are beholden to me, and "take it easy Cat. We're gonna take care of you!"
Kid Sheleen: [to Cat] Oh, it was just swell! Just the way I figured it'd be.
Jackson Two-Bears: [after slugging someone during a brawl] Sholom Aleichem!
Cat: Why do men always think marriage is the only thing on a woman's mind?
Clay Boone: What's your name, so I can vote for you in the next election?
Frankie Ballou: [coming home from a drunken brawl] ... and some of them, the very few, Stay pickled 'til they're ninety-twoooo!
[literally falls off the wagon]
Cat: Stay here with us. There's somebody trying to kill my father.
Clay Boone: Jed...
Jed: We'll stay, ma'am, it'll be our pleasure to do what we can.
Cat: We don't need him them.
Clay Boone: I think you do. My Uncle here ain't never shot at a man. It's against his principles.
Cat: Is that true?
Jed: Oh yes, ma'am, that's true. Neither has he.
Clay Boone: But we'll stay and do what we can. As long as there ain't no trouble.