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Hogan's Heroes (TV Series 1965–1971) Poster

(1965–1971)

Quotes

Schultz: Col. Hogan if you ever escape...

Hogan: Yeah?

Schultz: Be a good fellow and take me with you.

[repeated line]

Schultz: I see NOTHING! I know NOTHING!

Hogan: You see, sir, today is one of our national holidays - repeal of prohibition.

[Hogan impersonating Gestapo and holds up a General at gunpoint]

General: What is this, you are not Gestapo?

Hogan: Lucky for you, we're going to get you out of this country.

General: But I don't want to leave the country.

Hogan: After your supply factory is blown up and the Gestapo blame you and you still want to stay?

General: I'm coming with you.

[Newkirk and Carter are found near the camp fence]

Colonel Klink: Schultz, into the cooler they go. Throw away the key.

Carter: Don't we get a trial or anything?

Colonel Klink: This is Germany. Although I do appreciate your sense of humor.

[repeated line, indicating Colonel Hogan]

Major Hochstetter: WHAT IS THIS MAN DOING HERE?

[a German guard is fending off POW Newkirk from a restricted area]

Guard: Nein!

Newkirk: Oh no, must be half past ten by now.

Schultz: [Klink is in prison awaiting a possible execution] I have some good news and bad news.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: This time tell me the good news first.

Schultz: You are going to be executed in the morning.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: Then what's the bad news?

Schultz: They aren't giving you a blindfold.

Colonel Klink: When I looked out the window I thought I saw a chimpanzee raking in the garden.

Hogan: Well if it makes you feel any better, sir, there IS a chimpanzee raking in the garden.

Colonel Klink: WHAT?

Hogan: [the phone rings while Hogan's men are cracking a safe] Answer the phone, tell him it's the wrong number.

Carter: [answers the phone in a mock-German accent] I'm sorry, you've got the wrong number.

[pause]

Carter: So what if you haven't told me who you're calling yet? No matter who you're calling it's still the wrong number because I don't even have a phone!

Colonel Klink: Those prisoners will be released over my dead body!

Hogan: It's a deal!

Schultz: Me send for you? I never send for anybody, not even if I need them.

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[a German truck flies by]

Hogan: There's never a cop when you need one

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[while safecracking, the phone rings in Klink's office and Carter answers]

Carter: Hello? Oh, hi... I didn't mean to hang up on you before but you really do have the wrong number. This is a prisoner of war camp. Who am I? I'm a prisoner.

Hogan: Carter.

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[Hogan pretends to have passed out from drinking]

Colonel Klink: [to Burkhalter] ... Disgraceful. Can't hold their liquor. Can't finish wars they start.

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Colonel Klink: [runs to the window and shouts outside] Schultz! Close the gates! The War is back on!

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[repeated line]

Colonel Klink: Dis-missed!

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Colonel Klink: [trying to demoralize Hogan after air-raid] ... No damage was done and your bombers suffered severe losses at the hands of our illustrious Luftwaffe.

Schultz: [walking in to the office introducing a Captain] Herr Kommandant, this is Captain Müller. He barely escaped the terrible raid!

Colonel Klink: That raid was a complete failure!

Schultz: No, Herr Kommandant! They knocked the stuffing out of the Messerschmitt factory and got away from the Luftwaffe!

Hogan: Illustrious Luftwaffe.

Schultz: Illustrious Luft...

Colonel Klink: Shultz!

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Col. Wilhelm Klink: [annoyed] Colonel Hogan, I'm very busy this morning - dispatches from Berlin. What is it?

Col. Robert E. Hogan: I want to register a complaint on behalf of my men.

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [sarcastically] Really? A complaint. Not sufficient entertainment, perhaps.

Col. Robert E. Hogan: No, you're funny enough.

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[repeated line]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [on telephone] What was that?

[pause]

Col. Wilhelm Klink: [muttering] Oh yes, heil Hitler.

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Radio Host: [Hogan pretends to be a Nazi sympathizer to get on German radio and discredit a propagandist] You read Mein Kampf, I believe.

Hogan: Oh, yeah. You know that guy, Hitler, who wrote it? A lot of people say that just because he wears that silly mustache the book's a big joke...

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Hogan: [Hogan and Newkirk pose as German officers in a Nazi building] Take this man's name down, have him transferred to the Russian front!

Newkirk: Jawohl, Herr General! Heil Hitler!

Germans: [frantically] Heil Hitler!

Officer: [approaches Hogan] Might I assist you?

Hogan: [pointing at officer] This man is to be court martialed and *shot!*

Officer: But Herr General, I've not even greeted you yet!

Hogan: That's why! You're too slow!

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[Klink brags that he is in tip-top physical shape]

General der Infanterie Albert Burkhalter: Physical fitness is one thing. Mental fitness, that's another.

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Colonel Klink: [repeated line]

Colonel Klink: No prisoner escapes from Stalag 13!

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[in an argument with a captain about safehousing a truck and cargo]

Colonel Klink: I'm afraid I cannot accommodate you, Captain. Please take your truck and its cargo some other place.

Captain: I have orders.

[Hands over papers with orders to Klink]

Colonel Klink: The only orders that I am interested in are my own orders.

[Klink in a casual tone starts reading to himself the captain's orders paper]

Colonel Klink: "All ranks are ordered to extend complete cooperation, assist without question. Ahmmm. Failure... punishment execution by firing squad. Signed General Jodl for the Führer."

[energetically and enthusiastically gets up off his chair and shakes the captain's hand]

Colonel Klink: Glad to have you with us, Captain.

See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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