A Shot in the Dark (1964)
Dreyfus: Give me ten men like Clouseau and I could destroy the world.
[Arriving at Camp Sunshine]
Clouseau: I am here on official business and I am looking for someone in the recreation area.
Camp Attendant: Not unless you take off your clothes...
Clouseau: You, sir, are under arrest.
Camp Attendant: Arrest? What for?
Clouseau: For making lewd and suggestive remarks to an official of the French government.
Camp Attendant: Lewd and suggestive remarks?
Clouseau: Also for indecent exposure... doesn't anyone wear any clothes around here?
Camp Attendant: No.
Camp Attendant: This is a nudist colony.
Clouseau: There is something... personal... in this?
Dreyfus: Yes, deeply personal. I hate you! Every little bit of you! Now get out!
Clouseau: You want me to leave?
Dreyfus: [crosses arms, letter opener in hand] François?
Françios: Yes, commissioner?
Dreyfus: Would you please call for a doctor?
Françios: [puts on his glasses] Are you ill?
Dreyfus: I seem to have stabbed myself with a letter opener.
Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts! Nothing matters but the facts. Without them the science of criminal investigation is nothing more than a guessing game.
Clouseau: Listen to me, Hercule, and you will learn something. Now then, the facts in this case are: the body of the chauffeur was found in the bedroom of the second maid. Fact! Cause of death: Four bullets in the chest. Fact! The bullets were fired at close range from a .25 caliber Beretta automatic. Fact! Maria Gambrelli was discovered with the murder weapon in her hand. Fact! The murder weapon was registered in the name of the deceased, Miguel Ostos, and was kept, mind you, in the glove compartment of the Ballon Rolls-Royce. Fact! Now then, members of the household staff have testified that Miguel Ostos beat...
[snaps his pointing stick]
Clouseau: You fool! You have broken my pointing stick! I have nothing to point with now!... have testified that Miguel Ostos beat Maria Gambrelli frequently. And now, finally comes the sworn statement of Monsieur and Madame Ballon, as well as all the members of the staff, each of them with perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule, What is the inescapable conclusion?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed the chauffeur.
Clouseau: What? You idiot! It's impossible. She's protecting someone.
Hercule LaJoy: How do you know that?
Hercule LaJoy: But that facts...
Clouseau: You are forgetting the most important fact - motive.
[Accusing a suspect, millionaire Benjamin Ballon]
Clouseau: And I submit, Inspector Ballon, that you arrived home, found Miguel with Maria Gambrelli, and killed him in a rit of fealous jage!
Dreyfus: What about the maid?
Clouseau: The maid?
Dreyfus: Was he jealous of her too? He strangled her.
Clouseau: It is possible that his intended victim was a man and that he made a mistake.
Dreyfus: A mistake?... in a nudist camp?
Clouseau: Nobody's perfect.
Dreyfus: Idiot nincompoop lunatic!
Clouseau: And... they were your fingerprints!
Benjamin Ballon: Well, why not? It's my house. I've often been in that closet.
Clouseau: For what reason?
Benjamin Ballon: Last time was moths.
Benjamin Ballon: [very clearly] Moths!
Clouseau: Yes, "meuths."
Benjamin Ballon: Maria was complaining of "murths."
[frowns at himself]
Clouseau: "Meurths"? Is that right, Maria, that - that you were complaining about these "meuths"?
Maria Gambrelli: Yes, I did complain about moths.
Clouseau: Oh, you mean "meuths"!
[Clouseau has entered a house soaking wet]
Clouseau: That stupid driver of mine parked too close to the fountain.
Dreyfus: If someone has been murdered here, please let it be Clouseau.
Clouseau: [after getting his hand caught in a spinning globe] Look at that. I have Africa all over my hand.
Dreyfus: [a car bomb has just killed the killers. Dreyfus refers to four other killings] A doorman, two customers, and a Cossack! And now eight more dead!
Clouseau: But they were all murderers, except for Maurice, who was a blackmailer!
Dreyfus: [whimpering] They were saints compared to you!
[Opening lines - phone rings; Dreyfus picks it up]
Dreyfus: Commissioner Dreyfus... Ah, yes, my darling... I was just about to call you. I'm on my way. I've got the cheese and the beaujolais... What?
Dreyfus: ... My love. Kiss the children for me... hmm?
Dreyfus: Hold on.
[covers phone mouthpiece; answers intercom]
intercom: Your wife is on the other line.
Dreyfus: Tell her I'm out of town.
Dreyfus: [Makes nervous sounds crossed between chuckles and whimpers] He released her again, and he's taking her out to dinner to dinner. Every paper in Paris has the story, including the Christian Science Monitor; and he gave them the story. You see he claims he's protecting her lover, and the best way to force him into the open is to make him jealous
Dreyfus: Jealous! That nincompoop, that megalomaniac. He's setting the science of criminal investigation back a thousand years, and I can't do anything about it.
The Psycho-Analyst: Why not?
Dreyfus: Why not? What if he's right?
Françios: I made a terrible mistake.
Dreyfus: Who did you assign to the case?
Dreyfus: Oh, my God.
[Hercule enters Clouseau's office after Clouseau summons him]
Clouseau: What do you want?
Hercule LaJoy: You sent for me.
Clouseau: Of course I sent for you!
Maria Gambrelli: You can have one of my cigarettes.
Clouseau: Oh, thank you.
Maria Gambrelli: You have it in backwards.
Clouseau: Oh... it tastes very bad that way.
Clouseau: Well, Cato, I'm back on the case. Ah-ha!
Clouseau: Now to set the trap, catch the killer and prove to the world that Maria Gambrelli is innocent... of murder. We must accelerate out training program. You must learn to attack me whenever and wherever I least expect it. And you, you must give no quarter.
Hercule LaJoy: He beat her.
Clouseau: He was Spanish!
Hercule LaJoy: He tore her dress off.
Clouseau: Oh, don't be ridiculous. Would you kill someone who tore your dress off?
Hercule LaJoy: No, I suppose not.
Clouseau: No, of course not! No, no. There is no doubt in my mind, whatsoever, Hercule. Maria Gambrelli is most definitely protecting someone. Find that somebody, and you have found the murderer. And I shall find the murderer before the day is out. Maria Gambrelli will tell me who he is. Oh, yes.
Maria Gambrelli: Tell me, why do so many men smoke afterwards? No wonder tobacco companies get rich.
Clouseau: Well... that just goes to prove what I have said all along.
Dreyfus: What you've said, Clouseau, qualifies you as the greatest prophet since Custer said he was going to surround all those Indians!
Clouseau: Uh... What was I saying? Uh... Listen, you, you daydreaming fool, what are you doing there? I mean, can't you pay attention when I'm talking? Don't know know what I was saying? You're not listening to me.
Maurice: With the greatest respect, monsieur, I heard every word that you said.
Clouseau: Would you be kind enough to tell me what it was that I said?
Maurice: You were talking about the closet, monsieur...
Clouseau: Uhhh, yes?
Maurice: You were saying that when the closet door was open, Maria received a bump on the head, and from that that you inferred that someone had been hiding in the closet, monsieur...
Clouseau: Yes, she received a bump on - And, listen, monsieur, next time I may test you without warning!
Dreyfus: This case is already so full of cracks I guess one more wouldn't make any difference.
[tosses cigar aside, takes a new cigar and carelessly uses the cigar guillotine]
Françios: [off screen] Yes, commissioner?
Dreyfus: I just cut off my thumb.
Clouseau: I believe everything and I believe nothing. I suspect everyone and I suspect no one.
Clouseau: [after bumping into Hercule] You fool! I could have killed you with a karatay chop-uh!
[tries to leave and runs into him again]
Clouseau: You fool! You're off the case!
Clouseau: Facts, Hercule, facts, behind them lays the whole fabric of deductive truth. Now, Hercule let us examine these facts: One...
[holding up one finger]
Clouseau: She was found with the murder weapon in her hand, Two...
[holding up three fingers]
Clouseau: The murder weapon was fresh with blood, Three...
[holding up four fingers]
Clouseau: There were no fingerprints on the murder weapon other then hers and Four...
[holding up all five fingers]
Clouseau: All the members of the Ballon household staff have perfect alibis. Now then, Hercule what do these facts add up to?
Hercule LaJoy: Maria Gambrelli killed Georges the gardener.
Clouseau: You are an idiot, only a fresh faced novice would come up with a conclusion like that.
Hercule LaJoy: But the facts...
Clouseau: Listen, who even killed Miguel, killed Georges the gardener and he did it to cover up the first crime. Now, what he is trying to do is lay the blame at the foot of this, this poor servant girl.
Hercule LaJoy: Well, who do you suspect?
Clouseau: I suspect everyone.
Hercule LaJoy: Well... I suppose that is possible.
Clouseau: Possible? What do you mean possible? I deal in certainties.