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Santa Claus Conquers the Martians
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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Good for Laughs, with Catchy Theme Song

Author: mrb1980
15 June 2008

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Those who have seen "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" can certainly understand why this is a perennial favorite of the bad-movie crowd. The script is ridiculous, the acting generally pathetically bad, and the "special effects" could have been created by a second-grader. However, I do think it's better than a lot of junk that we're exposed to nowadays, at least on an entertainment level.

The Martian king (Kimar), his wife, the mom (Momar), and their two kids (Bomar and Girmar) start off the movie with the kids unhappy and listless with their Martian existence. So, Kimar decides that the best solution is to kidnap Santa Claus and bring him to Mars in order to cheer things up. So, Santa Claus and a couple of earth kids are abducted and brought to Mars (despite the Martian bad guy Voldar's attempt to rub out Santa), where all sorts of "hilarity" ensues. Santa makes everyone happy, so he and the kids return to earth as the catchy song "Hooray for Santa Claus" plays on the soundtrack.

I like this movie for the laughs it provides, even though its juvenile plot moves like molasses sometimes. As most folks know, Girmar is played by a very young Pia Zadora, though the rest of the cast is mostly unknown actors. There's atrocious dialogue to spare, and once you've heard "Hooray for Santa Claus" you may never get the song out of your head. Depending on your sense of humor, "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" can become an annual holiday tradition at your house. Of course, you may end up throwing it in the trash instead.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:


Author: Bleeding-Skull from Review Land
14 March 2008

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Martians, upset that their children have become obsessed with TV shows from Earth which extoll the virtues of Santa Claus, start an expedition to Earth to kidnap the one and only Santa. While on Earth, they kidnap two lively children that lead the group of Martians to the North Pole and Santa. The Martians then take Santa and the two children back to Mars with them. Voldar, a particularly grumpy Martian, attempts to do away with the children and Santa before they get to Mars, but their leader Lomas stops him. When they arrive on Mars, Santa, with the help of the two Earth children and a rather simple-minded Martian lackey, overcomes the Martians by bringing fun, happiness and Christmas cheer to the children of Mars.

This is the non-Mystery Science Theater version of this film. This film is a so bad, it's good. Just pour an egg nog on this one.

Awesomely Bad Scale: * * * * out of 4.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Well, not the worst ever but awful nevertheless

Author: martin-217 from pennsylvania
7 January 2008

Ah, the dangers of too much Earth TV... makes Martian children behave worrisomely and their parents Earth raiders kidnapping Santa.

Even a child in the original audience would have known enough of Mars for this setup to be laughably silly. Even so, there is a campy creativity at work here that saves the film from being the worst ever, or even worst Santa movie ever (that distinction being firmly reserved for Santa and the Ice Cream Bunny).

With gaggles of martians bumbling around like Marx Brothers, Martian June Cleavers producing Chocolate Layer Cake Pills as special family treats, a Mrs Claus blushing that "Television" has come to her house, a set of pipe-smoking toy-making Little People as elves, and Pia Zadora as child of the red planet, there is enough to keep your brain in question mode for a long time.

Don't ask questions. Liquor up and enjoy...

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Oh me, oh my, oh me!

Author: lastliberal from United States
24 December 2007

This is one for the fans of Ed Wood and Plan Nine From Outer Space. It is a camp classic of how to make a space movie.

The Martians kidnap Santa to bring joy to their children. You have to see their robot. It looks like a Halloween costume you may have made for your kids.

A nuclear curtain is controlled by light bulbs! The Martians have antennas! I busted a gut watching this.

They used a lot of Air Force stock footage and I was thrilled to see the SAC aircrews running from their bunkers to launch their planes in an attempt to intercept the Martian spacecraft.

This was a real hoot!

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

A space adventure for the holidays

Author: creamsdrummer13 from United States
15 December 2007

Because this movie is so badly filmed, it actually makes it funny.

Throughout the movie, i cannot understand why the martians do not use their stun guns on "The Bad Guy" (so as not to spoil anything) they keep telling him not to move as if he actually won't.

This movie also contains a terrible fight scene. It's so bad is comical.

Some of the props are just so terrible it makes you fall out of your chair laughing. To name a few: the man in the polar bear suit, the robot, and the ship which mysteriously changes shapes:one when it is flying through space, and one when it is landed.

All in all I would suggest watching this movie because everyone should see it once, if only to laugh at it.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Never before have I fallen off a chair from laughter....

Author: Shah from london, Canada
13 December 2007

I have seen this film twice now. In fact, I own it. I found it about a year ago in the states for a buck. I feared watching it for about six months. Finally, I built up the courage and a few friends of mine and I watched it. All I can say is wow.

I quite literally laughed my way for the full hour and half. It was painful. Voldar was by far the best character. He was just so furious.

Tell me this. How can Santa turn a robot into a toy by looking at it? Why did the midgets still shake after they were 'frozen' by the Martian freeze ray? Worst of all, why did the user of the ray gun have to make their own shooting sounds? Oh, and has anyone ever heard of a 'Radar Box'? I'm a radar guy in the Navy and I've never heard of one... WTF? The Polar Bear scene was one of my favourites. Quite clearly a man in a suit, the polar bear ambled along on his hands and knees (yes, knees... there was no effort taken whatsoever to conceal the legs...).

Nevertheless, for sheer stupidity, this film was enjoyable. Eighty-one minutes of pure stupidity. Pure laughable stupidity.

I suggest you watch this if you have nothing to do. Or if you partake in smoking certain banned substances.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Embarrassing to watch

Author: soremongs from United States
27 November 2007

I didn't like this movie when I was a kid. Now, as an adult, I can appreciate the true awfulness of this movie. I love movies that are so stupid that they're entertaining. I love Ed Wood movies, Lost in Space, Zontar the Thing from Venus, but this movie surpasses the stupidity threshold. If your children insist on watching this movie, I recommend leaving the room!! Does this movie have any redeeming qualities?...Hmmm...Vincent Beck did do a fair job portraying the villain...and...Oh yes,you do get to see a prepubescent Pia Zadora standing around with a blank look on her face when she doesn't have any lines!! There's plenty of holiday entertainment out there you can watch before enduring this.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

Could be worse, but not much.

Author: Tommy Nelson from Long Beach, California
30 August 2007

I don't see why someone would think people would want to see a movie about Santa Clause and Martians, but I guess someone did, and gave birth to this. "Santa Clause Conquers the Martians" is a strange kids film, but it probably will appeal to 6 year olds. Also the title really doesn't describe the plot. It's more about Santa befriending the Martians rather than conquering them.

Martian parents are very annoyed that their kids are watching too many Earth programs on the TV. That somehow leads them to capturing two Earth kids and Santa Clause to suck the joy out of life, but Santa uses his charm to become friends with most of the Martians, but the few that still hate him plot against him.

None of the actors, including the man who plays Santa Clause are likable and they all do a pretty bad job. The special effects are better than I expected, but they are still really bad... a guy in a bear costume and a really strange looking cardboard robot. The climax of the film is one of the dumbest things I've ever seen, and any mildly positive thing goes away here. But even with all of it's continuity errors, terrible acting and pure strangeness, it's still better than other bad Christmas movies, such as "Santa Claus" (1959).

My rating: 1/2 out of ****. 83 mins.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

A Masterpiece of anchovy and peanut butter cookies

Author: rdambroso from United States
23 August 2007

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

What can I say? It is perhaps the worst movie ever made! Did I enjoy seeing it as a kid in the theater? Of course I did. I think I was about 5 at the time which is the appropriate intellectual level to truly appreciate this cinematic wonder. I think it is a classic though and wouldn't mind watching it again after duct taping my family to their chairs and forcing them to watch it with me! The whole ping pong ball gun thing was really cool! I believe a week after this movie, every other kid I knew had one. A few years later, it was replaced with the star trek disc shooting phaser. Oh well..if you want to go back in time and wax nostalgic, it''s probably worth seeing again.

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0 out of 1 people found the following review useful:

"Two thumbs-up children's educational video"

Author: solideogloria1685
17 August 2007

Despite what other reviewers may say, this movie is full of practical purpose. You see, Santa Claus Conquers the Martians is, fortunately, terrible.

Yes, fortunately, because otherwise it could not be used with children as an effective illustration that Santa Claus could not possibly exist. Parents are warned to give their children sufficient comfort during the watching of this film, as they realize through the horrific acting (which will remind them of their uncle's attempts at Santa in his red bathrobe on Christmas day) that they have been had the first 4-5 years of life. In this way, Santa Claus Conquers can quickly pull your child through a difficult realization in their earlier years. A two thumbs-up children's educational video!

This reviewer anticipates a sequel involving the Easter Bunny or Elvis Presley against the same Martian enemy -- Santa Claus Conquers may have started what will become a series of trusted vaccinations against the more ridiculous myths of American culture.

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