Kiss Me, Stupid (1964)
Orville J. Spooner: If it weren't for Venetian blinds, it'd be curtains for us...
Orville J. Spooner: [reminiscing about his wife's dentist] "Tender gums". That's a hell of a thing to say to a married woman.
Dino: Did you hear a story about the girl and the lobster?
Orville J. Spooner: No, how's it go?
Dino: Well, this girl was sittin' in a movie house and this guy sat down next to her, and they were sittin' in the dark, and they were watchin' the picture, see? And suddenly she felt somethin' crawling up her leg and
Dino: pinched her!
Polly the Pistol: [jumping] Ouch!
Orville J. Spooner: Go on!
Dino: Then she felt something crawling again and
Dino: pinched her again! She said, "What is the idea, you pinching me?" And he said, "Well, it wasn't me...
Dino: it was my lobster!"
Orville J. Spooner: [laughing] His lobster?
Dino: He explained it. He said, "A friend of mine gave me a live lobster and I said, 'Gee, that's wonderful, I think I'll take it home for dinner!' He said, 'No, it already had dinner...
Dino: why don't you take it to a movie?'"
Dino: [on a cabaret stage, pointing to a show girl] Is this a bit of terrific? Heh? Last night she was banging on my door for 45 minutes!
Dino: But I wouldn't let her out.
Dino: [on a cabaret stage, pretending to be drunk] I have an amazing mother, you know. She is 85 years old and she don't need no glasses.
Dino: She drinks right out of the bottle.
Mack Gray: [congratulating Dino for his act] Great, Dino, you were great. They were rolling in the aisles.
Dino: Why didn't somebody take the dice away?
Dino: There was the one about this doctor, you see? He was examining a girl's knee and he says, "What's a joint like this doing on a pretty girl like you?"
Dino: [responding to an offer to buy the rights for a song] I need another Italian song like a giraffe needs a strep throat.
Zelda Spooner: ...Bobby Darin or Elvis.
Dino: Elvis who?
Zelda Spooner: I suppose you have never heard of the Beatles either.
Dino: Oh sure. And I can sing better that all three of them.
Zelda Spooner: There are four of them!
Dino: Oh, haven't you heard? One of them got his hair caught in his guitar and was electrocuted.
Zelda Spooner: You can make jokes about them but they're young and they're popular, while you...
Dino: What about me?
Zelda Spooner: Let's face it, you are over the hill.
Dino: Sure you do know how to hurt a fellow.