George: That's not your grandfather.
Paul: It is, you know.
George: But I've seen your grandfather. He lives in your house.
Paul: Oh, that's my other grandfather, but he's my grandfather, as well.
John: How do you reckon that one out?
Paul: Well, everyone's entitled to two, aren't they?
John: He can talk then, can he?
Paul: 'Course he can talk. He's a human being, isn't he?
Ringo: Well if he's your grandfather, who knows! Ha ha ha!
[the boys are listening to the radio]
Man on Train: And we'll have that thing off as well, thank you.
Man on Train: An elementary knowledge of the Railway Acts would tell you that I'm perfectly within my rights.
Paul: Yeah, but we want to hear it, and there's more of us than you. We're a community, like, a majority vote. Up the workers and all that stuff!
Man on Train: Then I suggest you take that damned thing to the corridor or some other part of the train where you obviously belong.
John: [Leaning over to the man] Give us a kiss.
Man on train: Don't take that tone with me, young man. I fought the war for your sort.
Ringo: I bet you're sorry you won.
Man On Train: I shall call the guard!
Paul: Ah, but what? They don't take kindly to insults, you know. Let's go have some coffee and leave the kennel to Lassie!
George: What's the matter with you, then?
Ringo: It's his grandfather. I can tell he doesn't like me. It's cause I'm little.
George: Ah, you've got an inferiority complex, you have.
Ringo: Yeah, I know, that's why I play the drums - it's me active compensatory factor.
Norm: The place is surging with girls.
John: Please, sir, sir, can I have one to surge me, sir, please, sir?
Norm: No, you can't!
[Huge stacks of fan mail is delivered]
Ringo: None for me, then?
John: [handing Ringo one letter] Here, this'll keep you busy.
Grandfather: It's your nose, you know. Fans are funny that way, they take a dislike to things. They'll pick on a nose.
Ringo: Aw, you pick on your own.
[Ringo gets a large pile of fan mail]
John: Must have cost you a fortune in stamps, Ringo.
George: He comes from a large family.
Ringo: [referring to half-dressed room service waiter hiding in the wardrobe] Any of you lot put a man in the cupboard?
Paul: Don't be soft!
Ringo: Well, someone did.
George: [George gets up, walks over, looks in the cupboard, then sits back down]
George: He's right, you know
John: There you go.
George: Honestly! Me mind boggles at the very idea, a grown man and you haven't shaved with a safety razor.
Shake: It's not my fault. I come from a long line of electricians.
Reporter: Do you think these haircuts have come to stay?
Ringo: Well, this one has. You know, it's stuck on good and proper now.
Ringo: There you go, hiding behind a smokescreen of bourgeois cliches.
George: He's very fussy about his drums, you know. They loom large in his legend.
T.V. Director: Get me a bottle of milk and some tranquilizers. I see it all now, it's a plot... a plot...
Simon Marshall: If you don't cooperate, you won't get to meet Susan.
George: And who's this Susan when she's at home?
Simon Marshall: Only Susan Canby, our resident teenager.
George: Oh! You mean that posh bird who gets everything wrong?
Simon Marshall: Excuse me?
George: Oh, yeah. The lads frequently sit around the telly and watch her for a giggle. One time, we actually sat down and wrote these letters saying how gear she was and all that rubbish.
Simon Marshall: She's a trendsetter. It's her profession.
George: She's a drag. A well known drag. We turn the sound down on her and say rude things.
Simon Marshall: [horrified] Get him out of here! He's knocking the program's image!
George: Have I said something amiss?
Simon Marshall: Get him out!
George: Sorry about the shirts!
George: Sorry we hurt your field, mister.
George: [as TV Director walks away with PA] There he goes. Look at him. Bet his wife doesn't know about her.
John: If he's got one. Look at his sweater.
Paul: You never know, she might have knitted it.
John: She knitted him.
[the Beatles are late for a rehersal]
T.V. Floor Manager: They'll be here.
T.V. Director: Yes, well, if they aren't on this stage in precisely thirty seconds there'll be trouble? Do you hear me? Trouble.
[exactly three seconds after he stops speaking, the Beatles calmly amble on stage]
John: [to director] Standin' around, hey? Some people have it dead easy.
Norm: Shake, take that wig off! It suits you.
John: Ringo, what are you up to?
Ringo: [Ringo is sitting under a hairdryer wearing a beefeater's bearskin hat and reading a magazine] Page five!
John: You always fancied yourself as a guardsman, didn't you?
Paul: Oh, that this too, too solid flesh would melt... Zap!
[Having makeup applied]
George: Hey, you won't interfere with the basic rugged concept of me personality, will you madam?
Grandfather: Look, I thought I was supposed to be getting a change of scenery. But so far, I've been in a train and a room, and a car and a room, and a room and a room. Well, maybe that's all right for a bunch of powdered gee-gahs like yourselves, but I'm feeling decidedly strait-jacketed.
Lead makeup woman: What a clean old man!
Grandfather: Ah, don't press your luck.
John: We know how to behave! We've had lessons.
Ringo: [George runs into Ringo in the hallway] Hey, do you know what happened to me?
George: No, I don't.
[Ringo walks on]
Norm: God knows what you've unleashed on the unsuspecting South. It'll be wine, women, and song all the way with Ringo when he gets the taste for it.
John: Control yourself. You'll spurt.
Ringo: [arrested, at the police station] I demand to see my solicitor!
Police Inspector: What's his name?
Ringo: Well, if you're gonna get technical about it...
T.V. Director: You don't know what this means to me. If you hadn't come back it would have meant... the epilogue or the news... in Welsh... for life!
John: Hey, look at the talent. Let's give them a pull.
Paul: Should I?
George: Aye, but don't rush. None of your five-bar gate jumps and over sort of stuff.
Paul: What's that supposed to mean?
George: I don't know, I just thought it sounded distinguished-like.
John: George Harrison, the Scouse of distinction!
Ringo: I'm going out parading before it's too late!
Shake: Well, he just asked if he could have those photos, and Norm said no, and I said, "Well, why not be big about it?"
Paul: Yeah, and?
Norm: And your grandfather pointed out that Shake was always being taller than me just to spite me!
T.V. Director: We are on in twenty minutes.
George: Can I say something?
T.V. Director: What?
George: I don't think it's very likely that we will go on. The law of averages is against it.
Norm: This is a battle of nerves between John and me.
Shake: John hasn't got any.
Norm: Any what?
Norm: That's the trouble. I've toyed with the idea of a ball and chain, but he'd probably just rattle them at me, and in public, too. Sometimes I think he enjoys seeing me suffer.
John: Hey he's reading the Queen... that's an in joke, you know.
John: [repeated line; to Norm] You're a swine.
John: You should have gone west to America. You would have been a senior citizen of Boston. But you took a wrong turn, and what happened? You're a lonely old man from Liverpool.
Grandfather: But I'm clean.
John: Are you?
Ringo: Come in, number seven, your time's up!
Grandfather: Well, you got me here so do your worst, but by God, I'll take one of you with me! I know your game. Get me into that tiled room and then out come the rubber hoses!
Police Inspector: Oh, there's a fire, is there?
Grandfather: You ugly, great brute. You have sadism stamped all over your bloated British kisser!
Police Inspector: Eh?
Grandfather: I'll go on hunger strike! I know your caper. The kidney punch and the rabbit clout. The third degree and the size twelve boot ankle tap.
Police Inspector: What's he on about?
Grandfather: I'm a soldier for the Republic! You'll need the mahogany truncheons on this boyo.
[Grandfather and Ringo are held in a police station]
Grandfather: Have they roughed you up yet?
Grandfather: Oh, they're a desperate crew of drippings, and they've fists like mature hams for pounding poor defenseless lads like you. One of us has got to escape. I'll get the boys. Hold on, son, I'll be back here.
Ringo: For me?
Grandfather: And if they get you on the floor, watch out for your brisket.
Ringo: They seem all right to me.
Grandfather: Ah, sure, that's what they want you to think. All coppers are villains.
Police Inspector: Would you two like a cup of tea?
Grandfather: See, *sly* villains.
George: Put yer tongue away, it looks disgustin hangin out, all pink and naked.
John: [John is combing a fake beard in the mirror; girlish voice] My name's Betty.
John: We've broken out! Ah, the blessed freedom of it all! Have you got a nail file, these handcuffs are killin me! I was framed, I'm innocent, I don't want to go!
Paul: Sorry for disturbing you, girls!
John: I betchya can't guess what I was in for!
Norm: [sees Paul's grandfather for the first time] Hey...
Norm: Well, who is he?
Ringo: He belongs to Paul.
Grandfather: Would you look at him? Sittin' there with his hooter scrapin' away at that book!
Ringo: Well, what's the matter with that?
Grandfather: Have you no natural resources of your own? Have they even robbed you of that?
Ringo: You can learn from books!
Grandfather: You can, can you? Pahh! Sheeps' heads! You could learn more by gettin' out there and living!
Ringo: Out where?
Grandfather: Any old where! But not our little Richard. Oh, no. When you're not thumpin' them pagan skins you're tormenting your eyes with that rubbish.
Ringo: Books are good.
Grandfather: *Parading's* better.
Grandfather: [nods eagerly] Parading the streets! Trailing your coat! Bowling along! LIVING!
Ringo: Well, I am living.
Grandfather: You? Living? When was the last time you gave a girl a pink-edged daisy? When did you last embarrass a sheila with your cool, appraising stare?
Ringo: You're a bit old for that sort of chat, aren't you?
Grandfather: Well at least I've got a backlog of memories! All you've got is - THAT BOOK!
T.V. Director: Now, look. If you think I'm unsuitable, let's have it out in the open. I can't stand these backstage politics.
John: Aren't you tending to black-and-white the situation somewhat?
T.V. Director: Well, quite honestly, I wasn't expecting a musical arranger to question my ability picture-wise.
John: [to the others] I could listen to him for hours.
Grandfather: Hey, Paulie, they're trying to fob you off with this musical charlatan. But I gave him the test.
T.V. Director: I'm quite happy to be replaced.
Grandfather: He's a typical buck-passer.
John: And we're looking after him, are we?
Grandfather: I'll look after myself.
Paul: Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of.
John: He's got you worried, then?
Paul: Him? He's a villain, a real mixer. And he costs you a fortune in Breach of Promise cases.
Ringo: I don't snore.
George: You do, repeatedly.
Ringo: Do I snore, John?
John: Yeah, you're a window-rattler, son.
Ringo: That's just your opinion. Do I snore, Paul?
Paul: With a trombone hooter like yours, it would be unnatural if you didn't.
Grandfather: Now, Paulie... don't mock the afflicted.
Paul: Ah, come off it, it's only a joke!
Grandfather: Aye, it may be a joke to you, but it's his nose. He can't help having a hideous great hooter! And his poor little head, trembling under the weight of it!
[repeated line about Grandfather]
Paul: He's very clean.
John: [cuts tailor's tape measure with scissors and in girly voice] I now declare this bridge open!
[Paul, John and George come out of the studio, looking for Ringo]
Paul: Let's split up and look for him!
[Paul walks away, George and John follow him. Paul turns around]
John: We've become a limited company.
Norm: Now look, I've had a marvelous idea. Just for once, let's all try to behave like ordinary, respectable citizens. Let's not cause any trouble, pull any strokes, or do anything I'm gonna be sorry for. Especially tomorrow at that television theater, because...
[looks at John, who is holding up a bottle to his nose]
Norm: Are you listening to me, Lennon?
John: You're a swine. Isn't he, George?
George: Yeah, a swine.
Norm: [indifferently] Thanks.
Norm: Now you've got about an hour, but don't leave the theater. Where are you going, John?
John: [with a dancing girl] She's gonna show me her stamp collection.
Paul: [also with a girl] So's mine.
Norm: John, I'm talking to you. This final run-through is important, understand? Important!
[John snorts like a pig, then leaves]
Grandfather: I want a cup of tea!
Norm: Uh, Shake?
Shake: [reaching for a guitar] Um... I've got to adjust the decibels on the imbalance, Norm.
Norm: Clever. George?
[George puts his fingers in his ears]
Norm: Ringo, look after him, will you?
Ringo: Ah, Norm!
Norm: Do I have to raise my voice?
Ringo: All right. Come on, Granddad.
Ringo: I'm a drummer, not a wet nurse, you know?
Grandfather: My turn? Er... bingo!
Croupier: Pas "bingo," monsieur. "Banco."
Grandfather: Ah, I'll take the little darlin's anyway.
Norm: Come on, you lot. Get your pens out.
Norm: It's homework time for you load of college puddings. I want this lot answered tonight.
Ringo: [sulking] Aww... I want to go out.
Norm: Now, a group. No denial.
John: You couldn't get a pen in your foot, you swine.
Norm: Ooh! Chatter on, son, chatter on. A touch of the writer's cramp will soon sort you out.
Ringo: Funny, really, 'cause I'd never thought of it, but being middle-aged and old takes up most of your time, doesn't it?
Grandfather: You're only right.
Grandfather: It's my considered opinion that you're a bunch of sissies.
John: You're just jealous.
Norm: Leave him alone, Lennon... or I'll tell them all the truth about you.
John: You wouldn't.
Norm: Oh, I would, though.
John: He's sex obsessed! The older generation's leading our nation in a state of galloping ruin!
Paul: Yeah, where's the old mixer?
Grandfather: Here, Paulie.
Paul: I've got a few words to say to you, two-faced John McCartney.
John: Oh, leave him alone. He's back, isn't he? He can't help being old.
Paul: What's being old got to do with it? He's a trouble-maker and a mixer, that's good enough for me!
Norm: Hey, have you seen Paul's grandfather?
John: Of course. He's concealed about my person.
Norm: [rolls his eyes] He must have slipped off somewhere.
Paul: Have you lost him?
Norm: Don't exaggerate.
Paul: You've lost him!
Shake: Put it this way, Paulie: he's mislaid him.
Norm: I thought I told you lot to stay here. When I say stay put, I mean stay put.
John: [drops to his knees] Don't cane me, sir! I was led astray.
Norm: Shut up, John!
[George has been mistaken for a teen model]
Simon Marshall: We'd like you to give us your opinion on some clothes for teenagers.
George: Oh, by all means. I'd be quite prepared for that eventuality.
Simon Marshall: Well, not your REAL opinion, obviously. It'll be written out for you. Can you read?
George: Of course.
Simon Marshall: I mean lines, ducky, can you handle lines?
George: Well, I'll have a bash.
Simon Marshall: Good. Get him whatever it is they drink, uh, coke-a-rama?
[gives George some shirts]
Simon Marshall: Now you'll like these. You'll really "dig" them. They're "fab," and all the other pimply hyperboles...
George: I wouldn't be seen dead in them. They're dead grotty.
Simon Marshall: Grotty?
George: Yeah, grotesque.
Simon Marshall: Make a note of that word and give it to Susan. It's quite touching, really. Here's this kid, giving me his utterly valueless opinion, when I know for a fact that within a month, he'll be suffering from a violent inferiority complex and loss of status because he isn't wearing one of these nasty things. Of course they're grotty, you wretched nit, that's why they were designed! But that's what you'll want.
George: No, I won't.
Simon Marshall: You can be replaced, chickie baby.
George: I don't care.
Millie: Oh, wait a minute, don't tell me who you are.
John: No, I'm not.
Millie: Oh, you are.
John: I'm not.
Millie: Oh, you are, I know you are.
John: I'm not, no.
Millie: You look just like him.
John: Do I? You're the first one that's said that ever.
Millie: [motions to the mirror] Yes, you do. Look.
John: No, my eyes are lighter. The nose.
Millie: Oh, your nose is very.
John: Is it?
Millie: I would have said so.
John: Oh, you know him better, though.
Millie: I do not! He's only a casual acquaintance.
John: That's what you say.
Millie: What have you heard?
John: [leans in, lowers his voice] It's all over the place.
Millie: Is it? Is it really?
John: Mmm, but I wouldn't have it. I stuck up for you.
Millie: I knew I could rely on you.
Millie: [puts on her glasses] You don't look like him at all.
[John walks away, pouting]
John: [to himself] She looks more like him than I do.
John: [to Grandpa as he sulks] Don't worry son, we'll get you the best lawyer green stamps can buy.
Paul: Oh ho, it's a laugh a line with Lennon!
John: Anyway, it's your fault.
Paul: Why me?
John: Why not you?
[pause, he looks around baggage holding, pats the dog next to him]
John: God, it's depressing in here, isn't it? Funny. They usually reckon dogs more than people in England. You'd expect something more palatial.
[turns back to Paul]
John: Let's do something then.
Paul: Like what?
[John takes out a pack of cards]
George: [as the schoolgirls arrive to watch] There's the girls.
Ringo: I'll deal.
John: [Ringo separates the cards into two even piles and simply flicks through them] Aye aye, the Liverpool Shuffle.
Ringo: [after montage of them playing with 'I Should Have Known Better' in background, Ringo has won] Mine, all mine!
John: He's wearing his lucky rings.
Shake: He's been gone awhile, hasn't he?
Norm: Who has?
Shake: Paul's grandfather.
Norm: Oh, he's down the uh...
Shake: Oh, down the uh...?
Norm: Yeah, down the uh...
Shake: Oh, we'll give him a couple minutes, then.
Casino Manager: Before you go, gentlemen, there's a little matter of the bill.
Norm: I'll take care of that.
[Norm take a look at the bill]
Norm: [shocked] Hundred eighty pounds?
Casino Manager: I beg your pardon. Guineas.
Casino Croupier: Your winnings, my Lord. One hundred and ninety pounds.
[Grandfather is excited, but the manager immediately takes the money from him as payment for the bill]
Grandfather: Where are me change?
Casino Manager: Pilcrim charge.
Ringo: Oh, well. Easy come, easy go.
[Grandfather and Norm angrly look at Ringo]
Ringo: It's the Circle Club.
Paul: [reads aloud the invite] "The management of the Circle Club takes pleasure in requesting the company of Mr. Richard Starkey - that's you - to their gaming rooms. Chemin de Fer, Baccarat, and Champagne buffet".
Ringo: They want me.
John: It's gotten around you're a big spender.
Norm: [snatches the card from Paul] Well, you're not going.
Grandfather: [snatches the card from Norm] Quite right. Invites to gambling dens full of easy money and fast women. Chicken sandwiches and carts full of caviar. Disgusting!
Ringo: That's mine!