Samantha: Gladys, what are you doing?
Gladys Kravitz: I came over for a snoop, uh, a scoop of sugar. I hope I'm not disturbing you.
Endora: Samantha, I will not stand here and be insulted by something which is 94 percent water.
Darrin Stephens: Oh, yeah! Well, what about something which is a hundred percent hot air?
Samantha: Then I thought of the most brilliant scientific mind of the age.
Dr. Bombay: Thank you.
Samantha: But he died a year ago, so I decided to call you.
Darrin Stephens: Hello, sir.
Maurice: Please, why so formal? Call me Maurice.
Darrin Stephens: Okay... Maurice.
Maurice: Or Dad.
Darrin Stephens: Okay... Dad.
Maurice: You were right, "Sir" is best.
Abner Kravitz: Gladys, let's play house. You be the door and I'll shut you.
Samantha: Now when it comes to Santa Claus, most mortals don't believe he exists... just like they don't believe in witches.
Darrin Stephens: You remember Louise Tate, don't you, Serena?
Cousin Serena: Ohhhh yes! Hi, Louise!
Louise Tate: Hi!
Cousin Serena: [to Larry Tate so Louise can't hear them] Congratulations, Cotton-Top, you got a wild-looking chick there!
Uncle Arthur: [to Endora] When I think of you as a blood relative, I long for a transfusion.
Larry Tate: [recurring, addressing Darrin] You, son of a gun!
[after finding out Samantha's been to the moon before]
Newscaster's Voice: With the evidence of this and future space voyages, we may be closer than we think to actually shooting a man to the moon.
Darrin Stephens: I could save them the trip.
Samantha: [to her mother] You know, this has been the strangest morning. First Darrin starts asking ridiculous questions and then you pop in like Lady Macbeth doing the neglected mother bit.
Darrin Stephens: Sam, don't expect your mother to be gracious. She doesn't do imitations.
Samantha: Darling, I've been trying for weeks to give this house a thorough cleaning. These carpets are filthy.
Darrin Stephens: How can you worry about dirt on the rugs when we're about to see the surface of the moon?
Samantha: The moon could use a vacuuming too. All that dust... yych.