The Sword in the Stone (1963)
Merlin: Why, they might even make a motion picture about you.
Arthur: Motion picture?
Merlin: Oh. Heh-heh-heh, uh, well, uh, that's something like television... heh-heh... without commercials.
Merlin: Hockety pockety wockety wack! Odds and ends and bric-a-brac!
Merlin: [to Wart] Be with you in just a minute, son. Packing's almost done. Ha!
[Merlin's shrinking and packing spell is going so fast that Archimedes, spinning off a rotating globe, rushes into his owl house for refuge. Unfortunately, it too is in the spell. The panicked owl, feeling his house moving... ]
Archimedes the Owl: Who... who's there?
[... barely pulls himself out before being crushed ]
Archimedes the Owl: [to Merlin] You, you, you - bumbling blockhead!
Madame Mim: Sounds like someone's sick. How lovely. I do hope it's serious. Something dreadful.
Merlin: Blow me to Bermuda!
[Merlin suddenly blasts off like a rocket]
Arthur: Where... W-where did he go?
Archimedes the Owl: To Bermuda, I suppose.
Arthur: Where's that?
Archimedes the Owl: Oh, an island way off somewhere that hasn't been discovered yet.
Arthur: Will he ever come back?
Archimedes the Owl: Who knows? Who knows anything?
[preparing for the Wizards' Duel]
Madame Mim: Now, first of all, if you don't mind, I'll make the rules.
Archimedes the Owl: Rules indeed! G'ha-ha-ha! Why, she only wants rules so she can break 'em.
Madame Mim: I'll take care of you later, feather-brain.
[Archimedes huffs indignantly]
Madame Mim: Now, Rule One: No mineral or vegetable, only animals. Rule Two: No make-believe things like, uh, oh, pink dragons and stuff. Now, Rule Three: No disappearing.
[pinches Merlin playfully on the nose]
Merlin: Rule Four: No cheating.
Merlin: Now, now, Mim, Mim, no... no dragons, remember?
Madame Mim: Did I say no purple dragons? Did I?
Archimedes the Owl: Oh, Man will fly all right - ho-ho-ho! - just like a rock.
Merlin: I have come to educate the Wart.
Sir Ector: Oh, no, you don't. I'm running this place, and if you think you're gonna fiddle with my schedule, you'd better pack up your bag of tricks and be gone!
[Merlin promptly disappears]
Sir Ector: What? Well, by Jove! Hey, he's gone.
Kay: Hm? Good riddance.
Merlin: [disembodied voice] I'm gone, but then, I'm not gone. Heh-heh-heh. So if I do leave, you can never be sure that I am gone, can you?
Sir Ector: Well, uh... heh-heh-heh-heh... Well, I must say, you... got me there, Marvin. Uh, heh. Yes, well, you win. You're welcome to stay if you like.
Merlin: [appearing suddenly] Thank you. You're very kind. Very generous, I must say.
Sir Ector: I, uh, I hope you don't go in for any of that black magic.
Merlin: Oh, no, no, no, no. Never touch the stuff.
Sir Pelinore: It's not a mere matter of muscle, son. Uh, jousting is, uh... a fine skill. It-it's a highly-developed science.
Merlin: Oh-ho-ho-ho. Science indeed. One dummy trying to knock off another dummy with a bit of a stick.
Archimedes the Owl: And the Wart's just as hot for it as the rest of them.
Merlin: Aye, that he is. That boy has got real spark. Lots of spirit. Throws himself heart and soul into everything he does. That's really worth something, if it could only be turned in the right direction.
Archimedes the Owl: Ha ha! Fat chance of that.
Merlin: Oh, I plan to cheat, of course. Use magic. Every last trick in the trade if I have to.
Merlin: [about Archimedes] When he stays out all night, he's always grumpy the next morning.
Arthur: Then he must stay out every night.
Arthur: Merlin! Merlin, I-I swallowed a bug!
Merlin: Oh, well, what's wrong with that? After all, my boy, you ARE a fish. Instinct, you know.
Arthur: But you said I have no instinct.
Merlin: Yes! Oh... oh, I did? Well that's-that's neither here nor there.
Archimedes the Owl: Now, boy, flying is not merely some crude, mechanical process. It is a delicate art. Purely aesthetic. Poetry of motion. And the best way to learn it is to do it.
Merlin: Madam, I have not disappeared. I'm very tiny. I am a germ. A rare disease. I am called malignalitaloptereosis... and you caught me, Mim!
Madame Mim: What!
Merlin: Oh, it's not too serious, madam. You should recover in a few weeks and be as good, uh... he-he-he, I mean, as BAD as ever; but, uh, I would suggest plenty of rest, and lots and lots of sunshine.
Madame Mim: I hate sunshine! I hate horrible, wholesome sunshine! I hate it! I hate it! I hate, hate, hate, HAAATE...!
Merlin: Now, Archimedes. Why would you half-drown yourself for a tidbit of fish, eh?, and after such a big breakfast?
Archimedes the Owl: [wringing himself dry] Pinfeathers and...
[puffs up suddenly]
Archimedes the Owl: ...golly fluff!
Minstrel: A legend is sung, of when England was young, and knights were brave and bold. The good king had died, and no one could decide who was rightful heir to the throne. It seemed that the land would be torn by war, or saved by a miracle alone. And that miracle appeared in London town: The Sword in the Stone.
Narrator: And below the hilt, in letters of gold, were written these words: "Whoso pulleth out this sword of this stone and anvil is rightwise king, born of England." Though many tried for the sword with all their strength, none could move the sword nor stir it; so, the miracle had not worked, and England was still without a king. And in time, the marvelous sword was forgotten. This was a Dark Age, without law and without order. Men lived in fear of one another, for the strong preyed upon the weak.
Arthur: Oh, Merlin! You're back from Ber... Ber... Ber...
Merlin: Bermuda? Yes, back from Bermuda and the 20th century, heh-heh. And, believe me, you can have it. One big modern mess!
Madame Mim: Say, lad, did you know that I can make myself uglier yet?
Arthur: Well, that would be some trick - er, I-I-I mean, uh...
Madame Mim: Want to bet?
[hides face with hair, pulls hair back to reveal a warthog's face]
Madame Mim: Boo!
Madame Mim: Oh, ho! You see? I win, I win! Aren't I hideous, boy? Perfectly revolting?
Arthur: [shaking his head at first, then nodding] Uh... yes, ma'am.
Arthur: Oh, what a perfect stuffed owl.
Archimedes the Owl: [huffing] Stuffed... W-w-well, I... I beg your pardon!
Arthur: He's alive, and he talks!
Archimedes the Owl: Heh-heh-heh! And certainly a great deal better than you do!
Merlin: [covering Sir Ector with magical indoor snow] That is what I call a "wizard blizzard".
Sir Ector: [shivering] Hey, Kay. Hey, would you look at this? An indoor blizzard! And in the month of July!
Kay: So what?
Merlin: [teaching Arthur to swim as a fish] Now, there are lots of ups and downs like, like a... like a helicopter.
Arthur: [confused] Helicopter?
Merlin: Yes, y... oh. Well, no, never mind.
Merlin: Don't take gravity too lightly or it'll catch up with you.
Arthur: What's gravity?
Merlin: Gravity is what causes you to fall.
Arthur: Oh, like a stumble or... or a trip?
Merlin: Yes, it's like a stumble or a... No, no, no, no, no. It's the force that pulls you downward, the... the phenomenon that any two material particles or bodies, if free to move, will be accelerated toward each other.
Archimedes the Owl: If the boy goes about saying the world is round, they'll take him for a lunatic.
Arthur: The world is round?
Merlin: Yes. Yes, that's right, and it also, uh, goes A-round.
Arthur: You mean it'll be round SOMEDAY.
Merlin: No, no, no, it's round now. Man will discover this in centuries to come. And he will also find that the world is merely a tiny speck in the universe.
Archimedes the Owl: Ah! You're only confusing the boy. Before you're through, he'll be so mixed up, he'll... he'll be wearing his shoes on his head!
[Merlin magics the dishes to wash themselves]
Arthur: But I'm supposed to do it.
Merlin: No one will know the difference, son. Who cares as long as the work gets done?
Arthur: I'm in an awful pickle. I'm king!
Archimedes the Owl: Ooo, he pulled a sword from the stone.
Merlin: Ha ha! Of course, of course. King Arthur and his Knights of the Round Table.
Arthur: Round table?
Merlin: Oh, uh, w-would you rather have a square one?
Arthur: Oh, no. Round will be fine.
Arthur: You mean you can see everything before it happens?
Merlin: Yes, everything!
Archimedes the Owl: Uh-uh-uh-uh! "Everything," Merlin?
Merlin: Uh, vuh... No, no, not EVERYTHING. I, uh, I admit I didn't know whom to expect for tea, but as you can see... heh-heh!...
[points with his staff to the hole in the roof where Arthur fell through]
Merlin: ...I figured the exact place!
Merlin: Don't... don't you get any foolish ideas that magic will solve all your problems, because it won't.
Arthur: But sir, I don't have any problems.
Merlin: Oh, bah! Everybody's got problems. The world is full of problems.
[gets his beard caught in the door]
Merlin: D'oof! Oh, blast it all! There, now! You see what I mean?
Merlin: So you must plan for the future, boy! You've got to find a direction! And you've, uh... oh, er... Now, by the by, what direction is this castle of yours?
Arthur: I think it's north, the other way.
Merlin: Oh, oh...
Merlin: All right, then we better get a move on. Come on, lad. Pick up the pace. Pick it up! Pick it up! Pick it up!
Merlin: Archimedes, where... where-where are we?
Archimedes the Owl: In a tumbled-down old tower in the most misearble old castle in all Christiandom. That's where.
Merlin: Uh, c-castle? Castle?
Archimedes the Owl: Don't you even remember the boy?
Merlin: Uh... The boy?
Sir Ector: [outside, to Kay] Can't you remember one blasted thing?
Merlin: [to Archimedes] Now, now, just a moment. I-I...
Sir Ector: Firm grasp on the lance!
Merlin: [realizing it's not from Archimedes] Oh.
Arthur: [entering the forest] I-I'll get the arrow, Kay. I'm sure I can find it.
Kay: Huh! Oh, don't tell me you're going in THERE. Why, it's swarming with wolves.
Arthur: I'm not afraid.
Kay: Huh. Well, go ahead. It's your skin, not mine. Go on, go on.
[Merlin turns Arthur back into a human and Arthur laughs, which causes the girl squirrel to gasp]
Arthur: There, now you see? I'm not a squirrel. I'm a boy.
[the girl squirrel chirps as if asking a question]
Arthur: I tried to tell you. I'm, I'm a boy. A human boy!
[the girl squirrel climbs up to a knot on her tree and sniffs]
Arthur: Oh! If you could only understand.
[the girl squirrel runs up to the hole in the tree and cries her heart out as Arthur remorsefully walks away]
Merlin: Ah, you know, lad, that love business is a powerful thing.
[the girl squirrel, sobbing, watches Arthur slowly walk away]
Arthur: Greater than gravity?
Merlin: Well, yes, boy. In its way, I'd, uh... Yes, I'd say it's the greatest force on earth.
[the girl squirrel climbs to the top of her tree to get one last look at Arthur and sobs one last time as the screen fades to black]
Sir Ector: There you are, you old goat! Well, what's the idea of flinging your evil spells all over the place, hm? Ugh, lend me a hand, boy.
[Kay helps Ector up]
Sir Ector: Well, what have you got to say for yourself, hm ?
Merlin: You call washing dishes and sweeping floors a work of evil?
Arthur: [singing, as a fish] For every to, there is a fro; for every stop there is a go, and that's what makes the world go round.
[He stops as a frog grabs his tail]
Arthur: Ooo, let go, let go!
[pulls his tail free]
Arthur: Oh you big bug-eyed bully you!
Merlin: Who, *me*?
Castle Scullery Maid: You old goat! If I ever catch you in my kitchen again, I'll...
Merlin: Madame, you won't!
Sir Ector: Here's to Sir Kay and - who knows? - the future king of al England!
[Ector and Pelinore clink glasses, causing them to break and spill wine over Kay's head]
Kay: Watch it, will ya?
Sir Pelinore: [suddenly considering this] Kay the King? What a dreadful thought.
[Sir Ector and Kay rush down after the Maid to see plates washing by themselves, and brooms and mops sweeping the floor by Merlin's magic while he and Wart have sneaked off]
Sir Ector: [thundering the words] GADZUKES! BLACK MAGIC OF THE WORST KIND!
Kay: [Wart is following Kay while he is hunting. Kay turns to him] Quiet, Waaaaart!
Arthur: [from a tree branch over Kay's head] I'm tryin' to be.
Kay: And nobody asked you to come along in the first place.
Arthur: I'm not even movin'.
Kay: [Dismissively] Shuddup.
Arthur: Hey, we were doing fine until we got in deep water. Then along comes this huge pike with big jaws and sharp, jagged teeth.
Kay: Oh, tell 'im off, dad.
Arthur: He was a monster, the biggest fish I ever saw.
Sir Ector: And, boy, that's the biggest fish story I ever heard!
Arthur: But it's true, sir.
Sir Ector: That's three demerits for being late, and three more for the fish story. Now hop it to the kitchen.
Kay: [scoffs] I told you the Wart was looney.
Sir Ector: Eh, well, he's either out of his head or, uh, there's something mighty fishy going on around here.
Kay: We ought to run the old geezer right out of the castle.
Sir Ector: Oh, no. No, no, no, Kay, no. He might cast an evil spell on the lot of us. Turn us all to stone. Shh. No, there's no telling WHAT the old devil might do.
Arthur: He's not an old devil! He's... he's good, and-and his magic is good, too! If... if you just leave him alone!
Sir Ector: Now, look here, Wart! That's three more demerits!
Kay: Box his ears, dad.
Arthur: Just because you can't understand something, it... it doesn't mean it's wrong!
Sir Ector: Ten more demerits!
Arthur: You make all the rules and... and nobody else can say anything!
Sir Ector: You said aplenty, boy! All that popping off just cooked your goose! Kay, from now on, young Hobbes is your squire. Ha! Did you hear that, Wart? Hobbes is going to be Kay's squire, hm-mmm.
Arthur: Y-yes, sir.
Kay: That'll teach you to pop off, you little pipsqueak.
Archimedes the Owl: What-what-what? Wht-wht-what's up, boy? What's going on?
Arthur: They're having a Wizard's Duel. What's that mean?
Archimedes the Owl: Oh, it's a battle of wits. The players change themselves to different things in an attempt to, uh... to... destroy one another.
Archimedes the Owl: Well just watch, boy. Just watch. You'll get the idea.
Archimedes the Owl: So, from now on, boy...
Archimedes the Owl: ...you do as I say.
Arthur: Yes, sir.
Archimedes the Owl: All right. Now, to start off, I want you to read these books.
[Points to a huge pile of books]
Arthur: All of them?
Archimedes the Owl: That, my boy, is a mountain of knowledge.
Arthur: But I... but I can't read!
Archimedes the Owl: What-what? What? Then I don't suppose you know how to write?
Arthur: N-no, sir.
Archimedes the Owl: Well, what DO you know?
Arthur: Well... I...
Archimedes the Owl: Well, never mind, never mind. We'll start at the bottom - the ABCs.
Arthur: [enters Merlin's room wearing his squire robes] Merlin, look! I'm a squire!
Merlin: [disapprovingly] Ha!
Archimedes the Owl: Oh... uh... very nice, boy.
Merlin: Yes, indeed. A fine monkey suit for polishing boots.
Arthur: It's... it's what all squires wear.
Merlin: And I thought you were going to amount to something. I thought you had a few brains! Great future! Ha! A stooge for that big lunk Kay. Congratulations, boy!
Merlin: Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitonium! Higitus Figitus Migitus Mum! Prestigitoni-UM!
Arthur: You were really great, Merlin, but... but you could've been killed.
Merlin: It was worth it, lad, if you learned something from it.
Arthur: Knowledge and wisdom is the real power.
Merlin: Right you are, Wart, so stick to your schooling, boy.
Arthur: Oh, oh, don't worry. I will, sir. I will. Oh, I really will.
Sir Ector: [on Archimedes] Say, say, I know! You've got him under a spell, Marvin. You're a magician, hm?
Merlin: The name is MER-LIN and I happen to be the world's most powerful wizard!
Sir Ector: [laughing] Come off it, man! Ha! Hoo-hoo! Gadzooks, ha-ha-ha...!
Merlin: All right, I shall demonstrate.
Merlin: Higitus, figitus, migitus moe, wind and snow, *swirl and blow*!
[snow billows out of the end of Merlin's wand and covers Sir Ector]
Madame Mim: Now what do you think, boy? Who's the greatest? Ha-ha-ha HA ha-ha!
Arthur: Well, uh, Merlin's magic is always... uh, well... useful, uh... for something good.
Madame Mim: And he must see something good in you.
Arthur: Oh, I suppose so.
Madame Mim: Yes, and in my book that's bad!
Madame Mim: So, my boy, I'm afraid I'll have to destroy you.
Arthur: D-destroy me?
Madame Mim: Yeah, I-I'll give you a sporting chance. I'm mad about games, you know.
[chuckling as she turns into a cat]
Madame Mim: Well, come on, boy, get going. You gotta keep on your toes in this game.
Merlin: [Struggling with a well] A dark age, indeed! Age of inconvenience! No plumbing, no electricity, no nothing!
[Slips and almost falls into the well]
Merlin: Oh, hang it all! Hang it all!
[Starts to leave, but his foot is caught in the chain]
Merlin: Oh, now what, now what? Here, leave off! Leave off! You... you fiendish chain, you! Everything complicated! One big medieval mess!
[Torrential rain. Rider draws up to the portcullis and sounds his horn]
Guard: Who goes there?
Sir Pelinore: Pelinore! It's Pelinore, dash it all! I've got big news from London! BIG NEWS! Come on, man, drop the bridge!
Merlin: [Listening from the guest room] Oh, big news, eh? Hm. They can't wait for the London Times. First edition won't be out for at least, uh...
[looks at watch]
Merlin: ...1200 years. Ha!
[Raps on Archimedes' house]
Merlin: Archimedes? Uh, would you mind sailing down there and, and, uh...
Archimedes the Owl: [irritably] Not interested.
Merlin: Oh, come, come, come, come, now. You're as wet as you can get!
Archimedes the Owl: No! Nope, nope, nope!
Merlin: Archimedes! I'll turn you into a human.
Archimedes the Owl: Hm! You wouldn't dare!
Merlin: I will! So help me, I will!
Archimedes the Owl: All right, all right, all RIGHT!
[Flies off to spy on Sir Ector and Pelinore]
Merlin: All right, eh? He-he-he! Works every time, heh! Just like magic.