[Having made her tipsy with champagne, Sir Charles Lytton kisses Princess Dala]
Princess Dala: If I were my father, I'd have you tortured.
Sir Charles Lytton: No. If you were your father, I doubt very much if I would have kissed you.
[At a costume ball, a police sergeant costumed as a zebra drinks from the punch bowl]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Any more behaviour like this and I'll have your stripes!
[Clouseau bumps into a woman dressed as Cleopatra. He hands back her rubber snake]
Woman: Take your filthy hands off my asp!
Princess Dala: [tipsy from champagne] When I went on my first zsrafari... frazari... wild animal hunt.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What kind of candle is zis?
Police escort: Tell me, inspector - Signor Phantom - all those robberies. How did you ever manage it?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, you know... it wasn't easy.
[first title card]
Title card: Once upon a time
Gem dealer 1: As in every stone of this size, there is a flaw.
Sultan: A flaw?
Gem dealer 2: The slightest flaw, your excellency.
Gem dealer 1: If you look deep into the stone, you will perceive the tiniest discoloration. It resembles an animal.
Sultan: An animal?
Gem dealer 1: A little panther.
Sultan: Yes! A pink panther. Come here, Dala. A gift to your father from his grateful people. Some day it will be yours. The most fabulous diamond in all the world. Come closer.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: At times like this, I wish I was but a simple peasant.
Simone Clouseau: It's times like this that make me realize how lucky I really am.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: We must find that woman!
[slides off the globe]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I am willing to bet you ten thousand francs, that the phantom is in Cortina at this very moment. Even, perhaps, in this very room.
Simone Clouseau: How exciting. What do you think, Mr. Tucker?
Tucker: Oh, I agree with the inspector. You see, Ten of his last fifteen victims have been guests at Angela Dunning's parties.
Sir Charles Lytton: What are we all talking about?
Simone Clouseau: The notorious Phantom.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid I never heard of him.
Sir Charles Lytton: From the little I've read about him, he seems to be quite a fellow.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Believe me. There are few thieves who are as clever as the Phantom. Each theft is completely different and unique, classic in its conception.
George Lytton: I thought you were working on the theory that he does repeat himself.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Well, only as far as Angela Dunning's parties are concerned. However, there is one other duplication, but that is his ah... trademark, his calling card, so to speak. He always leaves a white monogrammed glove.
Princess Dala: Sounds terribly theatrical.
Tucker: Your Highness, if I were the Phantom, I'd have chosen my victim already.
Princess Dala: Really? And who would that be?
Tucker: Well, who owns the most fabulous diamond in the world?
Princess Dala: I suppose I do.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Exactly. The Pink Panther. Such a prize he could never resist. He would be bound to try for it.
Princess Dala: I'm afraid he'd be disappointed. The Pink Panther is in my safe, at...
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [interrupting] Your Highness, please. Don't say it, not here.
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed in gorilla suit] Come back. It's me.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [chasing after the diamond thief] Come on, now! Faster! Faster!
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: What's the matter with you? Can't you drive this thing faster?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Come on. I tell you, this is the road they've gone up.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Don't argue with me. I'm telling you, I know where they've gone!
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Hi George. Any idea how we get out of here?
George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] I don't know. I've been all over this place. I've been up this street, up that one, up that one. How are we gonna get out here?
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Why don't you try the high road up there?
George Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Okay. I'll take the high road, you take the low road. So long, Uncle Charles.
Sir Charles Lytton: [dressed as a gorilla] Ciao, George.
Woman: I've never really known another man like him. He can keep ten girls in the air at once and make each one happy.
Princess Dala: Amazing, sort of a contemporary Don Juan?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Simone! Where is my Surété-Scotland-Yard-type mackintosh?
Simone Clouseau: If I'm not being too nosy your highness, I read somewhere there was some dispute over the ownership of the Pink Panther.
Princess Dala: It belongs to me. It was a gift from my late father. I shall never surrender it.
Sir Charles Lytton: Why should you?
Princess Dala: When the present government seized power, they claimed the diamond was the property of the people. There's even some talk of the international court deciding the issue.
Sir Charles Lytton: I'll tell you what, why don't I steal the diamond, leave that old glove or whatever it is behind, and you and I can split the insurance.
Princess Dala: All right.
George Lytton: I feel like dancing.
[to Princess Dala]
George Lytton: Your Highness?
Princess Dala: I'd love to.
Sir Charles Lytton: [to Simone] How about you, Madame?
Simone Clouseau: Yes, of course.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Your leg is better, Sir. Charles?
Sir Charles Lytton: What?
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: I say your leg is better.
Sir Charles Lytton: Oh, yes. Much better. Thank you.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: You know, Mr. Tucker...
[scalds his hand]
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: Argh!
[put his burnt hand into Mr. Tucker's beer]
Tucker: That's my beer, old man.
Inspector Jacques Clouseau: [having stepped on and broken the violin] Oh well, if you've seen one Stradivarius, you've seen them all.