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The Comedy of Terrors (1963) Poster

Quotes

Amos Hinchley: [giving eulogy for John F. Black] And so, my friends, we find ourselves gathered around the bier of Mrs... er... Mr... You Know Whom... this litter of sorrow, this cairn, this cromlech, this dread dochma, this gart, this mastaba, this sorrowing tope, this unhappy tumulus, this, this... what is the word?... this... er, coffin! Never could think of that word. Requiescat in Pace, Mr... um... Mr... the memory of your good deeds will not perish with your untimely sepulture.

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John F. Black, Esq.: [repeated line upon waking up from his "death"] What place is THIS?

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Felix Gillie: And what if I tell them the truth and say it was all your idea in the first place?

Waldo Trumbull: Mr. Gillie... Felix... friend... I put it to you, who in your discerning estimation are the police most likely to believe, hm? Mr. W. Trumble, respected local citizen and entrepreneur of death, or Mr. Felix Gillie... wanted fugitive and confessed bank robber?

Felix Gillie: I never confessed!

[pause, then]

Felix Gillie: They just proved it.

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Felix Gillie: Mr. Tremble...

Waldo Trumbull: Trumbull.

Felix Gillie: I SAID "Tremble".

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Waldo Trumbull: Get away from me!

Amaryllis Trumbull: Am I so repulsive?

Waldo Trumbull: That's the word, yes.

Amaryllis Trumbull: Couldn't you find it in your heart to love me, Waldo?

Waldo Trumbull: Get up, you're sitting on my money!

Amaryllis Trumbull: So you reject me?

Waldo Trumbull: As long as there's liquor in the house!

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John F. Black, Esq.: [as he's dying again] "Life's but a walking shadow, a poor player, that struts and frets his hour upon the stage, and then is heard no more..."

Waldo Trumbull: I'll believe that when I see it.

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Waldo Trumbull: [realizing he's been cheated of his fee by Mrs. Phipps] Is there no morality left in this world?

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Waldo Trumbull: To... uh... paraphrase the venerable adage: we shall kill two birds, with one... pillow.

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Felix Gillie: [They're hiding from the rampaging Mr. Black] It's better in the dark.

Waldo Trumbull: What is? Decapitation?

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Amaryllis Trumbull: If my father chose to spend his hard-earned money in the collection of curious objects...

Waldo Trumbull: [interrupting] He did more than collect curious objects, madam, he also fathered one!

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John F. Black, Esq.: [fighting to get out of the coffin into which Trumbull and Gillie have put him and which they are fighting to keep closed] Let me out of here!

Waldo Trumbull: We most certainly will NOT let you out of here, sir!

John F. Black, Esq.: Confound you, sir!

Waldo Trumbull: Confound you too, sir! Will you KINDLY have the goodness to die?

John F. Black, Esq.: NEVER!

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Felix Gillie: [he and Trumbuill are sitting on the coffin, trying to keep it closed and referring to Mr. Black, who's inside the coffin] For a man in his condition, he certainly has a lot of energy!

Waldo Trumbull: The stubborn crackpot! I could have sworn that he was dead!

Felix Gillie: It's about time!

Waldo Trumbull: I've never had such an uncooperative customer in my whole life!

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Felix Gillie: [stuck on a roof] Why did I ever escape from prison? It was so peaceful there.

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Waldo Trumbull: [during the struggle with Mr. Black] He bit me! The son-of-a bit me!

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Amaryllis Trumbull: Don't you think you've had...

Waldo Trumbull: Shut your mouth. Women! As soon put your trust in them as put a pistol to your head.

Amaryllis Trumbull: You really should...

Waldo Trumbull: Be Still!

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Felix Gillie: [talking about Amarylliis' singing during Mr. Black's funeral service] I wish she would have picked another song.

Waldo Trumbull: I wish her vocal cords would snap.

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Waldo Trumbull: [gesturing toward the body of Mr. Phipps] I'm afraid, madam, he has made his final journey towards that stygian shore.

Mrs. Phipps: [blankly] What?

Waldo Trumbull: [pause, then sharply] He's dead.

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Felix Gillie: [to Mr. Trumbull, referring to Mr. Black] I don't think he's quite dead yet enough to bury.

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John F. Black, Esq.: [who has just awakened from a cataleptic trance in the mortuary basement] Mr. Trumbull... this man... what - - what am I doing here?

Waldo Trumbull: [who has recovered from his shock] Well, you're here because you're dead, Mr. Black.

John F. Black, Esq.: The hell I am!

Waldo Trumbull: Oh yes you are. Everybody else knows you're dead, Mr. Black, except apparently you.

John F. Black, Esq.: What jiggery-pokery is this?

Waldo Trumbull: Not jiggery-pokery, Mr. Black... Hinchley and Trumbull, Funeral Parlor.

John F. Black, Esq.: [realizing what Trumbull means] You wouldn't dare!

Waldo Trumbull: [pause, then] Have we a choice, Mr. Black?

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Waldo Trumbull: [to Mr. Gillie while giving him a boost up] *What did you step in?*

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Felix Gillie: [after Amaryllis' singing has caused glasses to break, flowers to wither, and corks to pop out of bottles] Just like a nightingale

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Waldo Trumbull: [to a stuffed bear] What are you grinning at?

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Waldo Trumbull: [Impatiently waiting for Gillie to pick the lock of a heavy door] You having a little trouble, Mr. Gillie?

Felix Gillie: Oh, this dirty lock was never meant for picking.

Waldo Trumbull: Well, why don't you take an axe, and chop it open?

Felix Gillie: [Getting angry] Nobody, but nobody, tells Gillie what to do with locks!

Waldo Trumbull: [Amused] No, I take it back. What you need is a keg of gunpowder.

Felix Gillie: Hey, I have an idea... Maybe there is a bolt on the inside?

Waldo Trumbull: There's a "bolt" on the inside of your head, Mr. Gillie, and it's LOOSE!

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Waldo Trumbull: Allow me, Madam, in this moment of your most desolate bereavement to lift from your sorrow-laden shoulders the burdens and tasks of exequiem sepulcher.

Mrs. Phipps: [confused] What?

Waldo Trumbull: I'll bury him for you.

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Waldo Trumbull: If you could or would, for one brief moment, shut that vast resounding chasm of a mouth, I should be grateful, madam. Grateful.

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Amaryllis Trumbull: I could have been the greatest opera singer in the world.

Waldo Trumbull: What world? Would the vocal emissions of a laryngitic crow be qualifications? Yes, then maybe you could have been.

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Waldo Trumbull: Your mouth, madam. Shut it.

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Waldo Trumbull: Allow me madam, in this moment of your most desolate bereavement, to lift from your sorrow-laden shoulders the burdensome task of exequiem sepulture.

Mrs. Phipps: What?

Waldo Trumbull: I'll bury him for you.

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Felix Gillie: There must be a little more honest way to conduct a funeral business.

Waldo Trumbull: I might have expected that kind of talk from a criminal.

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Felix Gillie: We are not going to embalm him tonight?

Waldo Trumbull: We haven't embalmed anybody in six years. Why should we start now?

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Felix Gillie: I just thought...

Waldo Trumbull: Well, don't ! You don't do it very well.

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Amos Hinchley: My friends, we have gathered ourselves together within these bog-grieved walls to pay homage to the departed soul of... what's his name, whom the pious and unyielding fates have chosen to pluck from the very prime of his existence and place in the bleak sarcophagus of all eternity. Hmmm, that's pretty good.

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Waldo Trumbull: I wonder what idiot ever thought of putting bodies in a crypt instead of in the ground where they belong.

Felix Gillie: Yeah, and they fertilize plants too.

Waldo Trumbull: What a terrible thing to say. Shut up!

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Amaryllis Trumbull: Couldn't you find it in your heart to love me, Waldo?

Waldo Trumbull: Get up! You're sitting on my money.

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Felix Gillie: [They're about to break into Mr. Phipps' house] You know, the next time they catch me with these tools it'll be thirty years.

Waldo Trumbull: It's no wonder they caught you the last time... you're probably the most inept house-breaker in all of New England.

Felix Gillie: That's true.

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Waldo Trumbull: [after Gillie has knocked over a long line of busts on a staircase, Trumbull forces him to sit down in a chair] Now you sit there, Mr. Gillie, and don't you make a sound, Mr. Gillie; as a matter of fact, don't you even *breathe*, Mr. Gillie, do you understand me?

[Gillie makes a wheezing inhalation as a reply]

Waldo Trumbull: Exactly.

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Felix Gillie: [He's having trouble climbing into an upstairs window] Why did I ever escape from prison? It was so peaceful there.

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Waldo Trumbull: [He's worn out from having killed Black, Amaryllis and Gillie] Well, if you can't lick 'em, join 'em.

[He slumps down to the floor at the foot of the staircase and goes to sleep]

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Felix Gillie: [Trumbull has decided that another customer is needed after the Phipps fiasco] What is the same thing happens that happened to us the other night?

Waldo Trumbull: Well, it's never happened before, has it?

Felix Gillie: But what if it does happen? Are we going to go out another night and another night and look for another man and another man and -...

Waldo Trumbull: We'll pick someone who isn't married, Mr. Gillie.

Felix Gillie: And how are you going to do that, huh? Wake up everybody before you do that horrible thing to him and ask him whether he's married? Or are you just going to kill off any old man that comes your way?

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Amos Hinchley: [to an inebriated Trumbull] Drunk again, eh? John Barleycorn and Hinchley, *they're* the partnership in this firm.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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