Memorable quotes for
Charade (1963) More at IMDbPro »

Peter Joshua: How about making me vice president in charge of cheering you up?
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[Tearing filter off cigarette]
Reggie Lampert: I can't stand these things... it's like drinking coffee through a veil.
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Reggie Lampert: I already know an awful lot of people and until one of them dies I couldn't possibly meet anyone else.
Peter Joshua: Well, if anyone goes on the critical list, let me know.
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Adam Canfield: Wow, when you come on, you come on, don't you?
Reggie Lampert: Oh, come on!
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Reggie Lampert: Do you know what's wrong with you?
Peter Joshua: No, what?
Reggie Lampert: Nothing!
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Sylvie: It is infuriating that your unhappiness does not turn to fat!
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[Touching the cleft in his chin]
Reggie Lampert: How do you shave in there?
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Reggie Lampert: Of course, you won't be able to lie on your back for a while but then you can lie from any position, can't you?
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Inspector Grandpierre: We use the guillotine in this country. I have always imagined that the blade, coming down, causes no more than a slight tickling sensation on the back of the neck. It is only a guess, of course. I hope none of you ever finds out for certain.
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Alexander Dyle: What do I have to do to satisfy you? Become the next victim?
Reggie Lampert: That's a start anyway.
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Reggie Lampert: Hello, Mr. Dyle.
Alexander Dyle: Reggie?
Reggie Lampert: Well, that's the only name I've got.
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Reggie Lampert: [pondering] Is there a Mrs. Dyle?
Alexander Dyle: Yes...
[Reggie's face drops]
Alexander Dyle: but we're divorced!
Reggie Lampert: [Reggie smirks] I thought that was Peter Joshua?
Alexander Dyle: I am just as difficult to live with as he was.
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Alexander Dyle: All right, get set for the story of my life.
Reggie Lampert: Fiction or non-fiction?
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Reggie Lampert: So it's goodbye Alexander Dyle and welcome home Peter Joshua.
Adam Canfield: [shakes his head] Sorry the name is Adam Canfield.
Reggie Lampert: Adam Canfield? Wonderful! Do you realize you've had three names in the past two days? I don't even know who I'm talking to any more!
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Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Canfield?
Adam Canfield: Yes...
Adam Canfield, Reggie Lampert: [both] But we're divorced.
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Adam Canfield: We didn't steal it, there's no law against stealing stolen money.
Reggie Lampert: Of course there is!
Adam Canfield: There is?
Reggie Lampert: Yes!
Adam Canfield: When did they pass such a silly law?
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Herman Scobie: Now we wait. With our mouths shut.
Alexander Dyle: [yawns] Sorry about that.
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Adam Canfield: Well, what did you expect me to say? That a pretty girl with an outrageous manner means more to an old pro like me than a quarter of a million dollars?
Reggie Lampert: I don't suppose so.
Adam Canfield: Well, it's a toss-up, I can tell you that.
Reggie Lampert: What did you say?
Adam Canfield: Hasn't it occurred to you that I'm having a tough time keeping my hands off you?
[Regina is stunned]
Adam Canfield: Oh, you should see your face.
Reggie Lampert: What's the matter with it?
Adam Canfield: It's lovely.
[Regina drops her knife and fork]
Adam Canfield: What's the matter now?
Reggie Lampert: I'm not hungry anymore; isn't it glorious?
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Tex Panthollow: She batted them pretty little eyes at you, and you fell for it like an egg from a tall chicken!
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Inspector Grandpierre: Tell me, Mister Dyle. Where were you at 3:30 a.m.?
Adam Canfield: In my room. Asleep.
Inspector Grandpierre: And you, Mrs. Lampert?
Reggie Lampert: I was, too.
Inspector Grandpierre: In Mister Dyle's room?
Reggie Lampert: No, in my room.
Inspector Grandpierre: Obviously you're telling the truth, for why would you invent such a ridiculous story?
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Reggie Lampert: Marriage license, did you say marriage license? Oh I love you Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is.
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Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Crookshank...?
Adam Canfield: Yes.
Reggie Lampert: But you're divorced!
Adam Canfield: No...
[Regina's face drops]
Adam Canfield: [Brian/Adam gets out his wallet to show her the picture] My mother, she lives in Detriot, you'd like her, she'd like you too.
Reggie Lampert: Oh, I love you, Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is, I love you! I hope we have a lot of boys and we can name them all after you!
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Reggie Lampert: Is there a Mrs. Joshua?
Peter Joshua: Yes, but we are divorced.
Reggie Lampert: Oh, that wasn't a proposal. I'm just curious.
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Reggie Lampert: You're blocking my view.
Peter Joshua: Ohh... which view would you prefer?
Reggie Lampert: The one you're blocking.
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Peter Joshua: [opening the phone booth to see Regina]
[Regina screams]
Peter Joshua: What are you doing in here?
Reggie Lampert: I'm having a nervous breakdown.
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[Gideon is looking at Charles' body in the coffin and begins to sneeze violently]
Sylvie Gaudel: He must've known Charles pretty well.
Reggie Lampert: How can you tell?
Sylvie Gaudel: He's allergic to him.
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Inspector Grandpierre: This nose tells me when you are lying. It is never mistaken, not in 23 years. This nose will make me commissioner of police.
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Leopold Gideon: Well, you know I'd tell you if I had it.
Tex Panthollow: Oh *naturally*, just like I'd tell you if I had it.
Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*. And that goes for Herman too.
Tex Panthollow, Leopold Gideon: *Naturally*.
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[the third murder has just been discovered]
Inspector Grandpierre: Three of them. All in their pyjamas? C'est ridicule! What is it, some new American fad?
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Peter Joshua: Why do you think Tex did it?
Reggie Lampert: Because I really suspect Gideon and it's always the person you don't suspect.
Peter Joshua: Do women find it feminine to be so illogical, or can't they help it?
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Adam Canfield: Heroin, peppermint-flavored heroin.
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Reggie Lampert: Come in. I've got something that stings like crazy.
Alexander Dyle: You're the kind of girl who'd have something like that.
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Hamilton Bartholomew: [watching Reggie light another one of his cigarettes, immediately after snuffing one out she had barely puffed] Do you know what these things cost over here?
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[after Dyle sees Herman Scobie hanging from the edge of the building]
Alexander Dyle: How are you doing?
Herman Scobie: HOW DO YOU THINK?
Alexander Dyle: If you get bored, try writing 'Love Thy Neighbor' a hundred times on the side of the building!
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Peter Joshua: Is there a Mr. Lampert?
Reggie Lampert: Yes.
Peter Joshua: Good for you.
Reggie Lampert: No it isn't, I'm getting a divorce.
Peter Joshua: Please! Not on my account.
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Reggie Lampert: Why do people have to tell lies?
Peter Joshua: Usually it's because they want something. They are afraid the truth won't get it for them.
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Reggie Lampert: Well, wasn't it Shakespeare that said, "When strangers do meet in far off lands, they should e'er long see each other again"?
Peter Joshua: Shakespeare never said that!
Reggie Lampert: How do you know?
Peter Joshua: It's terrible. You just made it up.
Reggie Lampert: Well, it sounds right...
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Tex Panthollow: Oh, poor old Herman. It seems like him and good luck always was strangers. Well, maybe now he'll meet up with his other hand some place.
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Reggie Lampert: We'll have lots of sons and name them all after you.
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Reggie Lampert: I'm in the book.
Peter Joshua: Are you?
Reggie Lampert: Charles is.
Peter Joshua: Is there only one Charles Lampert?
Reggie Lampert: Lord I hope so!
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Reggie Lampert: Could I have one of those?
Peter Joshua: One of what?
Reggie Lampert: I think Tex did it.
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Reggie Lampert: You know, I can't help feeling sorry for Scobie. Wouldn't it be nice if we were like that?
Peter Joshua: What, like Scobie?
Reggie Lampert: No, Gene Kelly.
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Reggie Lampert: Any minute now we could be assassinated. Would you do anything like that?
Peter Joshua: What, assassinate someone?
Reggie Lampert: No, swing down from there on a rope to save the woman you love. Like the Hunchback of Notre Dame.
Peter Joshua: [turns and sees Notre Dame] What? Who put that there?
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Reggie Lampert: Which one are you?
Peter Joshua: A truthful white-foot.
Reggie Lampert: Come in. Sit down.
Peter Joshua: Why, do you want to look at my feet?
Reggie Lampert: Yes.
[sits on his lap]
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Reggie Lampert: Here it comes, the fatherly talk. You forget I'm already a widow.
Peter Joshua: Well, so was Juliet, at fifteen.
Reggie Lampert: I'm not fifteen.
Peter Joshua: Well, that's your trouble. You're too old for me.
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Peter Joshua: Reggie, cut it out.
Reggie Lampert: Okay.
Peter Joshua: Well, now what are you doing?
Reggie Lampert: Cutting it out.
Peter Joshua: Who told you to do that?
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Reggie Lampert: Brian Crookshank. Serves me right if I get stuck with that one.
Brian Crookshank: Well, who asked you to get stuck with any of them?
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Reggie Lampert: This is a ludicrous situation. I can think of a dozen men who are just longing to use my shower.
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Reggie Lampert: Silvie, I am going to get a divorce.
Sylvie: From Charles?
Reggie Lampert: He's the only one husband I have.
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Sylvie: I don't understand. Why do you want a divorce?
Reggie Lampert: Because I love him and he doesn't love me.
Sylvie: That's no reason to get a divorce!
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Reggie Lampert: [explaining a puppet show] The man and woman are married.
Peter Joshua: I can see that. They're batting each other over the head.
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Alexander Dyle: [Reggie is sitting on his lap and kissing him] Reggie, cut it out.
Reggie Lampert: OK.
[stops kissing him]
Alexander Dyle: Well now what are you doing?
Reggie Lampert: Cutting it out.
Alexander Dyle: Who told you to do that?
Reggie Lampert: You did.
Alexander Dyle: Oh I'm not through protesting yet.
Reggie Lampert: [smirks] Oh.
[resumes kissing him]
Alexander Dyle: Cut it out.
Reggie Lampert: Alex, I think I love you.
[They kiss]
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Peter Joshua: Well, here we are.
Reggie Lampert: Where?
Peter Joshua: On the street where you live.
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Reggie Lampert: I want some proof that you're really Brian Crookshank.
Brian Crookshank: All right, well sometime next week I'll put it on a marriage license for you.
Reggie Lampert: Quit stalling. I want to see some identification.
Brian Crookshank: Come on, Reggie. Just give me the stamps.
Reggie Lampert: You can't do it can you?
[suddenly stops]
Reggie Lampert: Marriage license? Did you say marriage license? Oh I love you Adam, Alex, Peter, Brian, whatever your name is. I hope we have a lot of boys and we can name them all after you.
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Man in Elevator: I bluffed the Old Man out of the last pot. With a pair of deuces.
Man in Elevator: What's so depressing about that?
Man in Elevator: Well, I mean, if I can do it, what are the Russians doing to him?
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