[
First line, voiceover]
C.R. MacNamara:
On Sunday, August 13th, 1961, the eyes of America were on the nation's capital, where Roger Maris was hitting home runs #44 and 45 against the Senators. On that same day, without any warning, the East German Communists sealed off the border between East and West Berlin. I only mention this to show the kind of people we're dealing with - REAL SHIFTY!
Phyllis MacNamara:
Atlanta!
C.R. MacNamara:
Yeah, I'm the new vice president in charge of bottle caps. They're kicking me upstairs.
Phyllis MacNamara:
That's something I've always wanted to do myself.
Otto:
I will not have my son grow up to be a capitalist.
Scarlet:
When he's 18 he can make his mind up whether he wants to be a capitalist or a rich communist.
Scarlet:
Countess? That means everybody has to curtsy to me, except maybe Grace Kelly.
C.R. MacNamara:
You've defected?
Peripetchikoff:
Is old Russian proverb: "go west young man."
C.R. MacNamara:
[
voiceover] Some of the East German police were rude and suspicious. Others were suspicious and rude.
C.R. MacNamara:
Just between us, Schlemmer, what did you do during the war?
Schlemmer:
I was in der Untergrund: the underground.
C.R. MacNamara:
Resistance fighter?
Schlemmer:
No, motorman. In the underground, you know, the subway.
C.R. MacNamara:
Of course you were anti-Nazi and you never liked Adolf.
Schlemmer:
Adolf who?
[
But later, Schlemmer recognizes the reporter Untermeyer (played by Til Kiwe)]
Schlemmer:
Herr Oberleutnant!
C.R. MacNamara:
You two know each other?
Schlemmer:
He was my commanding officer.
C.R. MacNamara:
In the subway?
Schlemmer:
No, after that, when I was drafted.
C.R. MacNamara:
Aha! Gestapo!
Schlemmer:
No, no, SS.
Peripetchikoff:
Well, Comrades, what are we going to do? He's got it - we want it. Are we going to accept this blackmailing capitalist's deal?
Mishkin:
Let's take a vote.
Peripetchikoff:
I vote yes.
Mishkin:
I vote yes.
Peripetchikoff:
Two out of three. Deal is on!
Borodenko:
Comrades, before you get in trouble, I must warn you, I am not really from Soft Drink Secretariat. I am undercover agent assigned to watch you.
Mishkin:
In that case I vote no. Deal is off.
Borodenko:
But I vote yes!
Peripetchikoff:
Two out of three again! Deal is on!
Otto Ludwig Piffl:
Is everybody in this world corrupt?
Peripetchikoff:
I don't know everybody.
C.R. MacNamara:
Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and striped toothpaste can't be all bad.
C.R. MacNamara:
Ten minutes early! That's a hell of a way to run an airline! Planes are supposed to be late, not early!
[
Otto muddles his coached answers]
Wendell P. Hazeltine:
How is the situation here in Berlin?
Otto Ludwig Piffl:
It shouldn't happen to a dog! Uh, I - I mean, it's a draw! Actually, the situation is hopeless, but not serious.
C.R. MacNamara:
Schlemmer you're back in the SS, small salary!
C.R. MacNamara:
It's that damned German efficiency.
C.R. MacNamara:
Cigarette? Cigar?
Peripetchikoff:
Here, take one of these.
C.R. Macnamara:
Thanks. Hm, 'Made in Havana'.
Peripetchikoff:
We have trade agreement with Cuba. They send us cigars, we send them rockets.
C.R. Macnamara:
Good thinking.
C.R. MacNamara:
You know something? You guys got cheated. This is a pretty crummy cigar.
Peripetchikoff:
Do not worry. We send them pretty crummy rockets.
Borodenko:
When will papers be ready?
C.R. Macnamara:
I'll put my secretary right to work on it.
Mishkin:
Your secretary? She's that blond lady?
C.R. Macnamara:
That's the one.
Peripetchikoff:
[
after conferring with the others] You will send papers to East Berlin with blond lady in triplicate.
C.R. Macnamara:
You want the papers in triplicate, or the blond in triplicate?
Peripetchikoff:
See what you can do.
Peripetchikoff:
We have emergency meeting with Swiss Trade Delegation. They send us twenty car-loads of cheese. Totally unacceptable... full of holes.
Otto:
[
bursts into room wearing boxers, shirt, tie and morning coat] I'm going to like this job!
C.R. MacNamara:
It's about time you started cooperating.
Otto:
You know what the first thing is I'm going to do? I'm going to lead the workers down there in revolt!
C.R. MacNamara:
Put your pants on, Spartacus!
Otto:
They have assigned us a magnificent apartment. Just a short walk from the bathroom.
C.R. MacNamara:
Are you out of your seventeen year old mind? Russia is to get out of, not to get into!
[
Ingeborg is in her slip in MacNamara's office]
C.R. MacNamara:
You better put something on. Your goose pimples are showing.
Ingeborg:
[
looking down] That's nothing. You should see my sister.
Phyllis MacNamara:
She married a communist? That's going to be the biggest thing to hit Atlanta since General Sherman threw that little barbecue. No, I don't think it's funny. They're going to live in Moscow? Now, that's funny!
C.R. MacNamara:
Oh, yeah, I uh, I forgot he doesn't wear shorts.
[
underwear]
Phyllis MacNamara:
No wonder they're winning the Cold War.
Otto:
I'll pick you up at 6:30 sharp, because the 7:00 train for Moscow leaves promptly at 8:15.
Phyllis MacNamara:
Why can't you get yourself a nice permanent job with the home office in Atlanta?
C.R. MacNamara:
Atlanta? You can't be serious! That's Siberia with mint juleps!
Peripetchikoff:
Is old Russian proverb: you cannot milk cow with hands in pockets.
Peripetchikoff:
No formula, NO DEAL!
C.R. MacNamara:
OK, NO DEAL!
Borodenko:
We do not need you! If we want Coca-cola, we invent it ourselves!
C.R. MacNamara:
Oh, yeah? In 1956 you flew a bottle of Coke to a secret laboratory in Sverdlosk. A dozen of your top chemists went nuts trying to analyze the ingredients. Right?
Mishkin:
No comment!
C.R. MacNamara:
And in 1958, you planted two undercover agents in Atlanta to steal the formula. And what happened? They both defected! And now they're successful businessmen in Florida packaging instant borscht. Right?
Peripetchikoff:
No comment!
C.R. MacNamara:
Last year you put out a cockamamie imitation "Kremlin-kola!" You tried it out in the satellite countries, but even the Albanians wouldn't drink it. They used it for SHEEP DIP! RIGHT?
Mishkin:
No comment!
C.R. MacNamara:
So either get down to business or get off the pot!
C.R. MacNamara:
I think your mother's absolutely right, it's silly to pack them. What are you gonna do with roller skates in Venice? All the streets are under water.
Tommy MacNamara:
So what? I'm taking my aqualung and my snorkel.
Ingeborg:
Here's your mail, here's your Wall Street Journal, and here's my resignation.
C.R. MacNamara:
Resignation? What are you talking about?
Ingeborg:
You do not work me overtime anymore, you do not take advantage of me on weekends, you have lost all interest in the... umlaut. So obviously, my services are no longer required here.
C.R. MacNamara:
What were you doing in East Berlin?
Scarlet:
You mean last night?
C.R. MacNamara:
I mean *all* those nights.
Scarlet:
You see, there's this boy over there. Wow!
C.R. MacNamara:
What boy? What have you been up to?
Scarlet:
Well, I met him about six weeks ago. I went into East Berlin and there was this parade and they wanted to arrest me.
C.R. MacNamara:
Arrest you?
Scarlet:
Because I was taking pictures. And then this boy, he was in the parade, he said to the police man I shouldn't be arrested, I should be pitied, because I was a typical bourgeois parasite and the rotten fruit of a corrupt civilization. So naturally, I fell in love with him.
C.R. MacNamara:
[
at first meeting Otto] Where did you dig him up? He doesn't even wear socks!
Scarlet:
He doesn't wear shorts, either! Isn't that exciting?
Scarlet:
Do you realize that Otto spelled backwards is Otto?
Phyllis MacNamara:
How about that?
Scarlet:
You'll like him. He looks just like Jack Kennedy, only he's younger and he has more upstairs.
Phyllis MacNamara:
More brains?
Scarlet:
More *hair*. And of course, ideologically, he's much sounder.
Phyllis MacNamara:
Maybe we voted for the wrong man.
Scarlet:
That couldn't happen in Russia.
Phyllis MacNamara:
They don't make mistakes.
Scarlet:
They don't *vote*.
C.R. MacNamara:
They're staying at the Grand Hotel Potemkin. You know where that is?
Fritz:
Yes, sir. It used to be the Great Hotel Goring, and before that, it was the Great Hotel Bismarck.
Peripetchikoff:
[
trying to trade for Ingeborg] Would you take new automobile? 1961 Moskvich hardtop convertible, two-tone.
C.R. MacNamara:
You mean that Russian hot rod parked outside?
Peripetchikoff:
Is wonderful car. Is exact copy of 1937 Nash.
Ingeborg:
What do you want in this, cream, sugar?
C.R. MacNamara:
Just a couple of lumps of Benzedrine. It's gonna be a rough day.
C.R. MacNamara:
[
Schlemmer has returned from East Berlin wearing Ingeborg's dress] Schlemmer!
Schlemmer:
Yes, sir? I'm sorry I didn't shave this morning.
Ingeborg:
Look at my dress! It's ruined!
C.R. MacNamara:
Did you have any trouble getting out of East Berlin?
Schlemmer:
No, but I had a little trouble in West Berlin. I was picked up by an American soldier in a Jeep. He was very fresh, wanted to take my picture for something called "Playboy?"
C.R. MacNamara:
Schlemmer, I want all those people out there to drop everything and stand by for orders! General alarm, complete mobilization!
Schlemmer:
Ah, like the good old days, yes, sir!
C.R. MacNamara:
What's come over you, Phyllis? After sixteen years...
Phyllis MacNamara:
Maybe after sixteen years, every marriage gets a little stale, like a leftover glass of beer.
C.R. MacNamara:
Look, Phyllis, can't we discuss this problem without bringing up a rival beverage?
Jeweler:
Schmuck!
C.R. MacNamara:
What did you say?
Jeweler:
Schmuck- Jewelry.
C.R. MacNamara:
Oh.
C.R. MacNamara:
The only thing I want from you, Scarlett Piffl, is silence. And very little of it!
Otto:
Das ist eine Kuckucksuhr!
Peripetchikoff:
While they are putting Uncle Sam in cuckoo clock, we will put Soviet cosmonaut on moon.
C.R. MacNamara:
Okay, so you guys may be the first to shoot a man to the moon, but if he wants a Coke on the way, you'll have to come to us.
C.R. MacNamara:
[
Greeting the three Russian bureaucrats] If it isn't my old friend Hart, Schaffner, and Karl Marx!
C.R. MacNamara:
Any world that can produce the Taj Mahal, William Shakespeare, and Stripe toothpaste can't be all bad.
C.R. MacNamara:
[
to Otto] The only royalty we know are Count Basie, Duke Snider, and Earl Wilson.
Peripetchikoff:
Do you know what happens if I defect? They will line up my family and shoot them! My wife, my mother-in-law, my brother-in-law, my sister-in-law.
[
pauses]
Peripetchikoff:
Let's do it!
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