Sparks Moran: [narrating] It was dusk. I could tell 'cause the sun was going down.
Sparks Moran: [as Carmelita embraces and kisses him] As a trained espionage agent I could tell that she was attracted to me.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] I had to go the Santo Domingo bar and I had to find Agent XK-120, whom I'd never met.
Agent XK-120: [coyly] Do you play?
Sparks Moran: I never work if I can help it.
Agent XK-120: I mean chess.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] The first move in the great conspiracy had been made. The Cuban treasury was now in the gentle hands of Renzo Capetto, the most trustworthy man ever to be deported from Sicily. They thought they were home-free, but little did they know that I, Sparks Moran, was an American agent. Luckily, I had managed to work my way onto the crew by posing as a notorious gun machine burglar from Chicago. My real name is XK-15.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] The big cheese was Renzo Capetto, alias Capo Rosetto, alias Ratto Pazetti, alias Zeppo Staccato alias Shirley Lamour. At 15, he had served his first stretch for rolling a drunk in the lobby of the Waldorf-Astoria on New Year's Eve, 1934. In 1940, he was involved in an unsuccessful attempt to nominate Benito Mussolini for the Republican ticket. During the war, he was rejected by the Navy, the Marines and the SS. Now deported, he has maintained his contacts with the Syndicate and is still regarded as a dangerous character.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] Mary-Belle Monahan, alias Mary-Monahan Belle, alias Belle-Mary Monahan, alias Monahan Marybelle: they say she was a gun moll just because Lucky Luciano gave her a Rolls Royce every Christmas and they can't really prove she sneaked into the Hollywood Bowl with a tommygun and rubbed out the convention of police chiefs in 1956. Oh, I knew that she got nailed cold when she was pushing heroin in the laundry room at Boys' Town, but I'm willing to give anyone the benefit of the doubt - especially when she's as crazy-looking as Mary-Belle.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] This is Happy Jack Monahan, so called because he developed a muscle-spasm in his cheek from watching too many Humphrey Bogart pictures.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] Since taking up with Renzo, he's become a well-known dice-loader and murderer.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] The last member of the deadly quartet is Pete Peterson Jr., the son of Pete Peterson Sr., famous vaudeville bird mimic. Pete Jr. inherited his father's talent for bird imitation, but unfortunately he blew his brain out of whack while imitating a whooping crane at the Elks' convention picnic in Oshkosh in 1942. Since then, anyone has been able to convince Pete of anything.
Renzo Capetto: Does anyone have anything to say?
[Pete raises his hand]
Renzo Capetto: Pete?
Pete Peterson Jr.: Mooo.
Renzo Capetto: Now look, we've got to get rid of these Cubans without the rest of 'em getting suspicious. There used to be a Cuban fisherman named Hemingway. He got hooked on a sea monster in these waters a couple of years ago and was dragged for miles... and got a lot of publicity. We're going to show those boys the greatest sea monster they ever saw in their lives!
Sparks Moran: [narrating] I'll admit I really couldn't hear anything through the door, but I know they were up to no good.
Renzo Capetto: I don't know what'll we going to do with all this. I've always wanted to open up a home for the aged hoodlum.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] A government agent lives in constant peril. I devised my undetectable radio set using simulated hot dogs for knobs and tubes inside of dill pickles while watching sewer workers during my lunch hour.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] A secret agent should never sleep, but there I was dreaming of Mom's apple pie, while up on deck, Renzo and his cutthroats were taking the first step - killing an innocent Cuban and pretending an imaginary sea monster did it, just so they would be panicked into changing course so that Renzo could steer them to his own picked destination.
[Pete and Jack cover up the Cuban's murder using a sharpened rake and fake monster tracks]
Renzo Capetto: Wait a minute, then give the alarm.
Sparks Moran: [narrating] But what none of us knew was that the monster invented by Renzo had already been invented by someone else - by a couple of other monsters, I guess.
[while Pete and Jack murdered one Cuban soldier, the real monster killed another]
Renzo Capetto: You boys are getting careless. I told you to kill one, not two.
Sparks Moran: [to Mary-Belle] Listen, I have a plan. As soon as we get there, we'll wait for night and when Renzo isn't looking, we'll jump off and swim for shore through shark-infested waters so no one'll follow us, then we'll steal a sailing dingy and head for Brazil.
[Renzo has intentionally wrecked his boat on a reef]
Renzo Capetto: It's all right - be calm, everybody. The boat is insured.
Pete Peterson Jr.: Oh, if only I'd paid my life insurance premium, I'd kill myself.
[hands Mary-Belle the sharpened rakes used to simulate monster claws]
Renzo Capetto: All right, baby, listen. You hold on to these 'cause I can't use 'em without Pete or Jack to help.
Mary-Belle Monahan: I'll keep 'em warm for ya.
Renzo Capetto: You can go anywhere you like. I'm going home.
Cuban Colonel: To America?
Renzo Capetto: America? No, I can't go back there anymore... Sicily.
Cuban Colonel: Oh.
Renzo Capetto: I've got an uncle there who's been after me for years to help him stamp grapes. It's beginning to appeal to me.
[the monster surfaces next to Renzo's boat]
Sparks Moran: This was it, but there was only one thing a trained representative of the American government could do at a time like this - get out of there!
[Renzo flees the monster attacking his boat]
Sparks Moran: Renzo loved Mary-Belle, but he was the skipper and decided to go down ahead of his ship.
Sparks Moran: So I got the girl... and guess who got the gold.
Mary-Belle Monahan: You made that monster up out of thin air! Now don't try to tell me it's real. I'm not that stupid.
Petet Peterson Jr.: Well, *I* am!
Mary-Belle Monahan: No matter what you do, or where you go, or who you kill... I'll love you till the day I die.
[the monster immediately surfaces and kills her]
Sparks Moran: Waiter! Bring us a bottle of Chateau Marmont, 1907.
Agent XK-120: 1911 was a better year.
Sparks Moran: 1911 it is.
waiter at bar: We don't have any Chateau Marmont, but we have a good Chateaubriand, 1922.
Sparks Moran: Forget it! Make it a couple of Rum Collins, Cuba 58!