Coronation Street (1960– )
Karen Phillips: Try any more stunts like that, and I will be booking your funeral!
[Sally hands Kevin a leaflet]
Kevin Webster: "Websters' Auto Centre"?
Sally Seddon: Yeah, re-branding they call it. All the big firms are doing it. It's all about image these days. Now, the thing about flyers is it's all about the artwork and the larger the print run, the cheaper they are. You can claim it back on tax as an employment expense. I've had 10,000 run.
Kevin Webster: Sal! We are working flat out to try and get work done and you're wasting money!
Sally Seddon: Do you know what you sound like? You sound like a parent whose kids go to Weatherfield High, a parent with no ambition. But us, me and you, we are Oak Hill parents...
Kevin Webster: But what about the lads?
Sally Seddon: Never mind the lads. We'll take on some new staff, we'll expand, because all that matters is our girls. Our maths genius helped with all this. You've been too busy so I got Rosie to help me. I got three different quotes from three different printers, three different thicknesses of paper, one, two or three colours, and Rosie worked out all the different unit costs for me, so we've all been pulling our weight, which is why I need to talk to you about the apostrophe. Rosie was the one who spotted it, she's so sharp - I should have asked her to do the proof- reading. Anyway, it's only a little mistake and the printer's put it after the 'S' in Websters and now it looks like the auto centre belongs to all of the Websters instead of just you! It's going to cost another 300 quid to get it fixed, but I figure only bright spots like Rosie would notice and she's probably going to be your accountant in a few years' time and with you being so busy I'm going to have to start coming into the office and doing your admin full time, but don't worry Kevin I'm not expecting any wages, 'cos you'll still be in charge of the lads, and you do what you're good at, and I'll do what I'm good at, and Rosie can go to Oak Hill, the apostrophe can stay where it is because in a way it's all fate, isn't it? We will be the Websters' family auto centre!
Sean Tully: [in a vet's waiting room] Oh, what a lovely parrot!
Parrot: Sod off!
Rita Littlewood: [about Norris's secret book] The hero of his novel has got himself caught up in a menage-a-trois!
Emily Nugent: Oh, really!
Rita Littlewood: Emily, you do know what a menage-a-trois is?
Emily Nugent: I most certainly do!
Rita Littlewood: Oh. Well, the two women involved in this...
Emily Nugent: Love triangle?
Rita Littlewood: Yes. Are a mild-mannered church-goer called Emilia...
Emily Nugent: [subtly shocked] Oh.
Rita Littlewood: ...and a racy, Titian temptress called Reeba.
Emily Nugent: [suspicious] Oh.
Rita Littlewood: [reading from the novel] "Norris jumped out of the moped as Emilia and Reeba alighted the side-car... "
Emily Nugent: That's a big side-car!
Rita Littlewood: "... and hand in hand, the three of them ran barefoot through Chester Zoo. Atop the souvenir kiosk, Reeba belts out a quick rendition of "Paper Moon", whilst Emilia chose this moment - for some solemn prayer."
Emily Nugent: It's not really a page-turner, is it?
Rita Littlewood: You wait till you hear what happens in the meercat enclosure!
Emily Nugent: I like meercats... I've a tea towel with some on - Norris knows that!
[Blanche, their landlady, is kicking Frankie and Danny out of their house, without notice]
Frankie Baldwin: You can't do that. It's illegal!
Blanche Hunt: Then sue me!
[Blanche slams her front door shut and Frankie looks through the letterbox]
Frankie Baldwin: You cannot not kick us out of our house, you looney!
Danny Baldwin: Get up, Frankie. She won't hear you - she's as deaf as a post!
Blanche Hunt: I heard that!
Eileen Grimshaw: Tracy Barlow! I mean, even her initials are a killer disease!
Karen Phillips: [holding up one of her shoes] Don't defend her, Steve, cause I've got one of these for each of you.
Tracy Preston: You touch me with that, I'll sue for criminal injuries, together with child support from him.
Karen Phillips: Dead people don't sue!
Steve McDonald: She means it, Karen. When it comes to screwing money out of people, she does it very well!
Tracy Preston: As opposed to just screwing people!
Steve McDonald: You tell Karen about the baby, I will make you pay, I will make you suffer.
Rita Littlewood: Did you ever run away from home?
Norris Cole: No, I most certainly did not!
Rita Littlewood: That must have been a great disappointment to your mother!
Danny Baldwin: Call it a day, before the pink elephants start marching in!
Peter Barlow: I was drinking to forget.
Shelley Unwin: Forget what?
Peter Barlow: I don't know, I've forgotten.
[Dev has just said he'd like to stay at home and take care of Sunita, who is ill, instead of going abroad to marry Maya]
Maya Sharma: I knew it!
[throws some jars at Dev]
Maya Sharma: You don't want to get married! You'd rather stay here and nurse poor little Sunita!
[deliberately knocks another load of tins and jars off the shelf]
Maya Sharma: She's got you wrapped around her little finger!
[knocks more jars of the shelf and then pauses]
Maya Sharma: If you like her so much,
[throws a large jar of something on the floor and it smashes extremely loudly]
Maya Sharma: MARRY HER INSTEAD!
Rita Littlewood: I've seen some hard-faced bitches in my time but you take the bloody gold medal!
Gail Potter: [to Richard Hillman] You're Norman Bates with a briefcase.
Cilla Brown: You call the airport and I call the police, Hayley. Now before your lady's done a bing-bong, there'll be armed police swarming all over him!
[Hayley puts the phone down slowly and angrily]
Cilla Brown: There's a good girlie-boy!
Charlie Stubbs: She walked into a door!
Bev Unwin: Yeah - a door called Charlie.
Mina Parekh: That's very clever to have a little sewing kit in your bag.
Maya Sharma: Yes, well, you never know when you might want to stitch someone up.
[Marvin and Ashley square up ahead of their big fight]
Marvin Maddocks: When the bell starts ringing and the trainer says "Go", I'm telling you, girlie, there's something you ought to know. Your knees are going to tremble, your feet will turn to lead. I'm going to smack your nose into the back of your head.
Norris Cole: [after seeing his ex wife] It were like seeing a vicar in a tracksuit, unnerving.
[Jason arrives in a builder's outfit while Gail is shouting homophobic abuse to Todd]
Gail Potter: Oh! Here they come, then - the rest of the "Village People".
Blanche Hunt: Good looks are a curse, Deirdre. You and Kenneth should count yourselves lucky.
Les Battersby: [eating a turkey he had run over earlier] This is Champion Turkey, this!
Leanne Battersby: I can't eat this! Look, it's even got tyre marks on it!
[on Christmas Day]
Blanche Hunt: This turkey is dry enough to choke a camel.
[talking about Liz McDonald]
Blanche Hunt: Skirt no bigger than a belt, too much eyeliner, and roots as dark as her soul.
[talking about café owner Roy Cropper and his transsexual wife Hayley]
Blanche Hunt: He's a looney and she's a man.
[on hearing that Peter and Leanne want their own bar]
Blanche Hunt: An alcoholic and an arsonist open a bar? Sounds like the start of a joke.
[at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting]
Blanche Hunt: I've never heard such self-indulgent whinging in all my life. Is there some correlation between how boring you are and how much you drink?
[talking about Eileen's father, Colin Grimshaw]
Blanche Hunt: I'd cut off his whatnots wi' a pair of garden shears, me. The rustier the better.
[talking about café owner Roy Cropper whom she thinks is a bit simple]
Blanche Hunt: He looks like he should be crayoning summat.
[talking about Gail]
Blanche Hunt: Never happy unless she's got someone's hands round her throat.
Blanche Hunt: [to Tracy] You're remarkably chipper. Trod on a snail?
Blanche Hunt: [to Ken Barlow] You're going to have to learn to take pleasure in the misfortunes of others, Ken, or you're going to have a very miserable old age.
Vicar: [attempting to escape from a reporter that has been questioning her] I expect you know today is the feast day for the patron saint of newspaper reporters.
Reporter: Is it?
Vicar: Trust me - I'm a vicar.
Kenneth Barlow: [whole family minus Tracy sees Roy creeping downstairs after Tracy drugged and slept with him] Tea Roy?