The Andy Griffith Show (1960–1968)
Barney Fife: Andy, I've this one dead to rights! Otis was drunk. I even gave him a test. I drew a line on the sidewalk and told him to walk it. You know what he said?
Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: He asked me what line. I've got this one right, Andy. Otis was drunk!
Andy Taylor: That right, Otis? Did you ask Deputy Fife what line?
Otis Campbell: Yeah; but I didn't have my specs on and drunk or sober, I can't see much without my specs.
Andy Taylor: Otis, three hours ago when Deputy Fife arrested you were you drunk?
Otis Campbell: I don't know; I wasn't wearin' my glasses.
Barney Fife: Well, I guess to sum it up, you could say, there's three reasons why there's so little crime in Mayberry. There's Andy, and there's me, and
Barney Fife: baby makes three.
[Andy has told Rafe Hollister to try out for the musical]
Barney Fife: I'm surprised at you, Andy. They want people who have had musical training. Why, suppose they ask Rafe to do something he don't know? Rafe, if they asked you to sing a cappella, could you do it?
Rafe Hollister: No.
Andy Taylor: Hey, Barn, what if they was to ask you if you could sing a cappella, what would *you* do?
Barney Fife: Why, I'd do it!
[snapping fingers in rhythm]
Barney Fife: "A cappella, a cappella"... Well, I don't remember all the words.
Briscoe Darling: [Aunt Bee has hit Briscoe with a spoon] Ow! What'd you do that for?
Aunt Bee Taylor: No elbows on the table.
Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] That ain't fair; her hittin' first and explainin' the rules after.
Andy Taylor: [find Aunt Bee obviously "tiddly", then finding a 2/3 empty bottle of "Colonel Harvey's Elixir" in the hall closet] Well, it sure looks like she took the adult dose.
Andy Taylor: [Picking up the phone] Sarah? What? Just soak it. That's right; just soak it a lot in warm water. Listen, Sarah; get me Thelma Lou. I know she's Barney's girl; just get her on the phone. What? 'Cause I don't want to. No, Sarah, I wouldn't rather talk to Juanita at the diner; just get Thelma Lou.
Andy Taylor: You date one woman all the time and pretty soon people start taking you for granted. They don't say, "Let's invite Andy," or "Let's invite Elly." No, they say. "Let's invite Andy and Elly!" See, then it's "Andy and Elly"; "Elly and Andy". A then, that's when that woman gets her claws into you!
Sheriff Andy Taylor: [reading a note tied to a rock Ernest T. Bass threw through the window] "Maybe you goin' to have a weddin', and maybe you goin' to have a preacher; but you might not have a bride. You ever think of that?" Mr. Darling, you don't think he'd try to kidnap Charlene before the wedding?
Briscoe Darling: He might. He's just crazy enough to do it.
Dud Wash: Well, you just let him try! I'll show him some things I learned in the army in jungle warfare! First, you grab the mouth and pull like this.
[demonstrates by pulling his own mouth]
Dud Wash: Then you grade his nose and twist it like this.
[twists his own nose]
Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! You want your face to freeze thatta' way?
Ramona 'Romeena' Ankrum: It rained last week, ya know?
Ernest T. Bass: Yeah... yeah... I was right there in it.
Barney Fife: If there's anything that upsets me, it's having people say I'm sensitive.
Andy Taylor: What are you doing?
Barney Fife: Gun-drawing practice, ten minutes every day. If I ever have to use this baby, I want to teach it to come to papa in a hurry.
Barney Fife: What's the matter, haven't you ever seen a man take off a dress before?
Briscoe Darling: Dud, did you tell Ernest T. Bass the Sheriff wanted to see him?
Dud Wash: I couldn't find him, Mr. Darlin'. His cousin said he went into the woods to kill a mockingbird.
Andy Taylor: He doesn't sound like a very nice person.
Briscoe Darling: One of the worst we got.
Barney Fife: [about Briscoe's decision not to kill Ernest T] It's a wise man who knows not to push the limits of the law.
Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He arguin' with me?
Andy Taylor: No; he's agreein' with you.
Briscoe Darling: Just so I know where I stand.
Dud Wash: Where's my 'darlin' person'? There she is!
[grabs Charlene and begins hugging and kissing her]
Charlene Darling: Dud! Stop it!
Dud Wash: Aw. c'mon Charlene!
Briscoe Darling: Stop that, boy! We got other things to do. Try to control them hot flashes.
Ernest T. Bass: I'm a little mean, but I make up for it by bein' real healthy. Say you'll be mine. Say you'll be my beloved!
Andy Taylor: Well, I caught him earlier on a 10-17.
Barney Fife: Hat in a horse trough?
Andy Taylor: Yeah.
Barney Fife: Adios, amigo.
Briscoe Darling: [to Andy] He one of ours?
Andy Taylor: Oh, sure.
Briscoe Darling: [to Barney] More power to ya.
[Gomer has made a citizens arrest on Barney]
Andy Taylor: All right, what's goin' on here?
Barney Fife: Aw this boob here...
Gomer Pyle: Boob? Why that's an insult in the face of the public!
[after writing himself a traffic ticket]
Barney Fife: A boob that's what I am, a boob!
[Goober thinks he has whiplash]
Goober Pyle: Floyd made the diagnosis.
Andy Taylor: Floyd, what do you know about whiplash?
Floyd Lawson: What do you mean? A barber does a lot of work around the back of the neck.
[Opie has a crush on Thelma Lou]
Opie Taylor: Pa, just what can you do with a grown woman?
Barney Fife: Gomer, get down there with them spiders and start workin'!
Andy Taylor: [Barney and Thelma Lou have had a fight on the phone] Uh, Barn; why don't you just call her back?
Barney Fife: [Picking up the phone] Sarah, get me Juanita at the diner. No, I wouldn't just rather call Thelma Lou back!
Barney Fife: [to Andy] Well, if it ain't daddy long legs!
Myrt 'Hubcaps' Lesh: That's the clunker we sold to that boob in Mayberry.
Briscoe Darling: [serenading Aunt Bee] Low and lonely, sad and blue / Thinking only, of little you / Always tryin', to keep from cryin' / I'm low and lonely over you.
Andy Taylor: Goob, did anybody ever tell you you've got a big mouth?
Goober Pyle: Yeah, but I don't pay no attention to 'em.
[after a haircut at Floyd's]
Andy Taylor: Floyd.
Floyd Lawson: What's the matter?
Andy Taylor: My sideburns.
Floyd Lawson: Your sideburns - what's the matter with your sideburns?
Andy Taylor: Why, they're both even.
Floyd Lawson: Well, I'll be dogged. How'd that happen?
Andy Taylor: I declare, Floyd, I believe you're getting the hang of it. And looka there - they're the right length and everything.
[after getting in a fight with Andy]
Helen: Just who do you think you are, anyway, Mayberry's answer to Cary Grant?
Andy Taylor: Let her go off somewhere else... gig some other frog.
Andy Taylor: [after learning Barney has spilled the beans about the gold shipment] Somewhere between here and Denver is seven million dollars headed for Mayberry, and you and me and Gomer and Laura Lee Hobbs, we're gonna' receive it.
Ernest T. Bass: If a duck stood still you could catch him by the bill.
Andy Taylor: Opie! Time to come in, son.
Opie Taylor: Aw Pa, just a little while longer... please?
Andy Taylor: Well, OK.
Andy Taylor: Daylight's precious when your a youngen'.
Floyd Lawson: [while looking at himself in the mirror] Wretch, wretch! Deceitful wretch!
Barney Fife: [Andy and Barney are watching a sign painter] Ain't he got chicken spelled wrong?
Andy Taylor: No, it's right.
Barney Fife: You sure?
Andy Taylor: Yeah, it's "i before e except after c and e before n in chicken".
Barney Fife: [chuckles] Oh yeah, I always forget that rule.
[Andy and Barney are at the Darlings when a rock comes through the window]
Barney Fife: What was that!
Andy Taylor: I think Ernest T. Bass is paying us another visit.
Briscoe Darling: Ernest T. Bass! You're a low down skunk!
[Turns away from the window, then turns back]
Briscoe Darling: Doggone ya!
Andy Taylor: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Sheriff Taylor! Go on home and leave these people alone! You're keepin' 'em awake!
Ernest T. Bass: Tell 'em to go back to bed! Charlene's the one I want to talk to!
Barney Fife: Listen here, Ernest T. Bass! This is Deputy Fife! I'm armed and if you don't go home, I might just take a shot at you
[another rock come flying through the window]
Barney Fife: Stop that!
[Another rock hits the window]
Briscoe Darling: Sheriff, tell your deputy to be quiet before he gets us all stoned to death!
[the Darlings are discussing the song they are going to play at Charlene's wedding]
Briscoe Darling: How 'bout "Don't Hit Your Grandma with a Great Big Stick"?
Charlene Darling: No, Paw, That one makes me cry!
Andy Taylor: [Briscoe is getting dressed for Charlene's wedding] Hold still, Mr. Darling, while I put on your tie.
Briscoe Darling: Ever since I saw a hangin', I been nervous about wearin' one of these things.
Ernest T. Bass: I don't chew my cabbage twice. And you ain't heard the last of Ernest T. Bass!
[Ernest T. Bass has crashed Mrs. Wily's party]
Mrs. Wiley: He burst into the house uninvited and started behaving in the most peculiar manner.
Andy Taylor: Like what, Mrs. Wily?
Mrs. Wiley: Oh, he stuck his hand in the punch bowl and ate every bit of the watermelon rind. And if that wasn't enough, he soaked the paper napkins in the punch and then he threw them at the ceiling.
Andy Taylor: Didn't anybody try to stop him?
Mrs. Wiley: Mr. Schwump tried to pinch him, but he just giggled and jumped away.
Andy Taylor: [on the phone] If you don't want magazine subscriptions or your septic tank pumped out, there's a sign you can get that says no peddlers or agents.
Andy Taylor: Well, sure that applies to septic tank pumpers... sure. Now take down those disease signs, Nelvin.
Goober Pyle: I love picnics. Speaking of picnics, you remember that movie 'Picnic'? Cary Grant sure was good it that movie.
Andy Taylor: Goober, Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Goober Pyle: He wasn't? Well, speakin' of Cary Grant, I do him.
Goober Pyle: I take off on Cary Grant. Want to hear me do Cary Grant?
Andy Taylor: Uh, Goober...
Goober Pyle: Be glad to. Judy. Judy. Judy.
Andy Taylor: That's real good, Goober; but Cary Grant wasn't in 'Picnic'.
Helen: That was William Holden.
Goober Pyle: William Holden? Heck, I can't do William Holden; he sounds like everybody else.
[Andy and Helen walk off with Goober following]
Goober Pyle: I can't do William Holden, but I can do Cary Grant. Judy. Judy. Judy.
Andy Taylor: Barney, you can't give Otis a sobriety test now; he's had all night to sleep it off. The time to give him a sobriety test was last night when you picked him up.
Barney Fife: I couldn't give him the test last night!
Andy Taylor: Why?
Barney Fife: He was too drunk.
Barney Fife: I'll say it right to your face, Otis, you've got a pickled liver!
Otis Campbell: Well, it's better than having a pickled puss!
Barney Fife: Oh, yeah?
Otis Campbell: Yeah!
Andy Taylor: Boys, stop it!
Otis Campbell: Well, he started it!
Barney Fife: I did not start it, he started it!
Barney Fife: [through a megaphone while directing the cave rescue] Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor! Repeat! Now is the time for all good men to come to the aid of their neighbor!
Andy Taylor: [telling Opie and his friends the story of Paul Revere] And he said, "The British is comin, the British is comin! Git your guns, we gonna have us a revolution!"
Barney Fife: [while relaxing on the front porch after Sunday dinner] You know what I think I'm gonna' do?
Andy Taylor: What?
Barney Fife: I'm gonna' go home, have me a little nap, and then go over to Thelma Lou's and watch a little TV.
Andy Taylor: Mmm-hmm.
Barney Fife: Yeah, I believe that's what I'll do. Go home... have a nap... and then over to Thelma Lou's for TV.
Andy Taylor: Mmm.
Barney Fife: Yep, that's the plan. Home... little nap... then...
Malcolm Tucker: [interrupting] For the love of Mike *do* it!
Malcolm Tucker: Do it! Just *do* it! Go take a nap, go to Thelma Lou's for TV, just *do it*!
Barney Fife: Inkem binkem notamus rex, protect us all from the man with the hex.
Barney Fife: Fly away buzzard, fly away crow, way down south where the winds don't blow. Rub your nose and give two winks and save us from this awful jinx.
Andy Taylor: Where can we find this Ernest T. Bass?
Dud Wash: Aww, he's a pestilence and a pestilence will find *you*... you just wait.
Floyd Lawson: If I keep this up I'll probably end up with a barber's claw from holding the shears all day.