Some Like It Hot (1959)
Jerry: Oh no you don't! Osgood, I'm gonna level with you. We can't get married at all.
Osgood: Why not?
Jerry: Well, in the first place, I'm not a natural blonde.
Osgood: Doesn't matter.
Jerry: I smoke! I smoke all the time!
Osgood: I don't care.
Jerry: Well, I have a terrible past. For three years now, I've been living with a saxophone player.
Osgood: I forgive you.
Jerry: [tragically] I can never have children!
Osgood: We can adopt some.
Jerry: But you don't understand, Osgood! Ohh...
[Jerry finally gives up and pulls off his wig]
Jerry: [normal voice] I'm a man!
Osgood: [shrugs] Well, nobody's perfect!
[Jerry looks on with disbelief as Osgood continues smiling with indifference. Fade out]
Jerry: Have I got things to tell you!
Joe: What happened?
Jerry: I'm engaged.
Joe: Congratulations. Who's the lucky girl?
Jerry: I am!
Junior: Syncopators. Does that mean you play that very fast music... jazz?
Sugar: Yeah. Real Hot.
Junior: I guess some like it hot. I personally prefer classical music.
[at the booking office, trying to be hired]
Joe: What kind of a band is this, anyway?
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be under twenty-five.
Jerry: We could pass for that.
Sig Poliakoff: You gotta be blonde.
Jerry: We could dye our hair.
Sig Poliakoff: And you gotta be girls.
Jerry: We could...
Joe: No, we couldn't!
Joe: [trying to get Jerry to face reality regarding his engagement to Osgood] Jerry, Jerry, will you take my advice? Forget about the whole thing, will ya? Just keep telling yourself: you're a boy, you're a boy.
Jerry: I'm a boy.
Joe: That's the boy.
Jerry: [coming around] I'm a boy. I'm a boy. I wish I were dead. I'm a boy. Boy, oh boy, am I a boy. Now, what am I gonna do about my engagement present?
Joe: What engagement present?
Jerry: Osgood gave me a bracelet.
Joe: [takes it and inspects the stones with Beinstock's glasses] Hey, these are real diamonds!
Jerry: Of course they're real! What do you think? My fiance is a bum?
Sugar: [on marrying well] I don't care how rich he is, as long as he has a yacht, his own private railroad car, and his own toothpaste.
Joe - 'Josephine': [grabbing Daphne by the collar] Daphne?
Daphne: Well, I never did like the name Geraldine.
Sig Poliakoff: You're the wrong shape. Goodbye!
Joe: What are you looking for - hunchbacks or something?
Sig Poliakoff: It's not the backs that worry me.
Osgood: [referring to his mother] Right now, she thinks I'm out there on my yacht - deep sea fishing!
Daphne: Well, pull in your reel, Mr. Fielding, you're barking up the wrong fish!
Joe: But, you're *not* a girl! You're a *guy*, and, why would a guy wanna marry a guy?
Mulligan: What happened here?
Little Bonaparte: [referring to Spats and his thugs] There was something in that cake that didn't agree with them.
Mulligan: My compliments to the chef. Nobody leaves this room until I get the recipe.
Little Bonaparte: You wanna make a federal case of it?
Mulligan: [grabs the speaker of Little Bonaparte's hearing aid] Yeah!
Jerry: Will you look at that! Look how she moves! It's like Jell-O on springs. Must have some sort of built-in motor or something. I tell you, it's a whole different sex!
Joe: There's another problem.
Jerry: Like what?
Joe: Like, what are you gonna do on your honeymoon?
Jerry: We've been discussing that. He wants to go to the Riviera but I kinda lean towards Niagara Falls.
Sugar: Story of my life. I always get the fuzzy end of the lollipop.
Sugar: Water polo? Isn't that terribly dangerous?
Junior: I'll say. I had two ponies drowned under me.
Joe: What are you worried about? This job is going to last a long time.
Jerry: Well, suppose it doesn't?
Joe: Jerry, boy, why do you have to paint everything so black? Suppose you got hit by a truck. Suppose the stock market crashes. Suppose Mary Pickford divorces Douglas Fairbanks. Suppose the Dodgers leave Brooklyn!
Jerry: [Jerry notices the badge of an undercover agent at a nearby table] Joe...?
Joe: Suppose Lake Michigan overflows.
Jerry: Well, don't look now, but the whole town is underwater!
Sugar: [singing] I wanna be loved by you, just you, nobody else but you. I wanna be loved by you alo-o-one. Boop boop e doo.
Sugar: Been waiting long?
Junior: [gallantly] It's not how long you wait, it's who you're waiting for!
Sugar: Real diamonds! They must be worth their weight in gold!
Sweet Sue: Idiot broads! Here we are, all packed, ready to leave for Miami, and what happens? The saxophone runs off with a Bible salesman, and the bass fiddle gets herself pregnant! Beinstock, I ought to fire you!
Beinstock: Me? I'm the manager of the band, not the night watchman.
Toothpick Charlie: Look, chief, I better blow 'cause if Columbo sees me, it's gonna be "Goodbye Charlie!"
Mulligan: Goodbye, Charlie.
Jerry: [Joe used a "Cary Grant" voice when posing as a millionaire] What are you trying to do to that poor girl, putting on a millionaire act? And, where did you get that phony accent? Nobody "talks loike thet"!
Sugar: [pouring bourbon into paper cup] Turn the lights on.
Daphne: No lights, we don't want anyone to know we're having a party.
Sugar: But I might spill some.
Daphne: So spill it! Spills, thrills, laughs, and games. This may even turn out to be a surprise party.
Sugar: What's the surprise?
Daphne: Not yet.
Daphne: Better have a drink first.
Sugar: There. That'll put hair on your chest.
Daphne: No fair guessing.
Junior: [Kissing] I think you're on the right track.
Sugar: I must be. Your glasses are beginning to steam up.
Daphne: [after meeting the all-girl band they'll be traveling with] How about that talent, huh? It's like falling into a tub of butter.
Joe: Watch it, Daphne!
Daphne: When I was a kid, Joe, I used to have a dream. I was locked up overnight in a pastry shop, and there was goodies all around. There was jelly rolls, and mocha eclairs, and sponge cake and Boston cream pie...
Joe: Look, Stoop...
Daphne: And cherry tart...
Joe: Stoop, listen to me! No butter, no pastry. We're on a diet!
Jerry: Now you've done it! Now you have done it!
Joe: Done what?
Jerry: You tore off one of my chests!
Junior: Look, if all you're interested in is whether I am married or not...
Sugar: Oh, I'm not interested at all.
Junior: Well, I'm not.
Sugar: That's very interesting!
Spats Colombo: [when his speakeasy is raided] What's the rap this time?
Mulligan: Embalming people with coffee - 86 proof.
Osgood: You know, I've always been *fascinated* by show business.
Daphne: Is that so?
Osgood: Yes. As a matter of fact it's cost my family quite a bit of money.
Daphne: Oh, you invest in shows?
Osgood: Showgirls. I've been married seven or eight times.
Daphne: You're not sure?
Osgood: Mama is keeping score.
Spats Colombo: [to coin-flipping wise guy] Where did you pick up that cheap trick?
Little Bonaparte: [thick Italian accent] Thank you, fellow opera-lovers. It's been ten years since I elected myself president of dis organization... an' if I say so myself, you made duh right choice. Let's look at duh record: In duh lass fissel year we made a hundred an' twelve million dollars before taxes... only we didn't pay no taxes!
Sugar: Oh, Daphne, how can I ever repay you?
Jerry: Oh, I can think of a million things.
[Sugar gets into bed with him]
Jerry: And that's one of them!
[Jerry sees Joe impersonating a wealthy yachtsman to flirt with Sugar]
Sugar: [to Joe] This is my friend Daphne, she's a Vassar girl.
Daphne: I'm a what?
Sugar: Or was it Bryn Mawr?
Junior: [firmly to Jerry] I heard a very sad story about a girl that went to Bryn Mawr. She squealed on her roommate... and they found her strangled with her own brazier!
Daphne: Yes, we've got to be very careful who we choose for a roommate.
Sugar: Oh Josephine! The most wonderful thing happened!
Joe: They repealed prohibition?
Jerry: Oh come now, you can do better than that.
Sugar: I met one of them.
Joe: One of whom?
Sugar: Shell Oil Junior. He's got millions, he's got glasses, he's got a yacht!
Joe: You don't say.
Jerry: He's not only got a yacht, he's got a bicycle!
Jerry: We're up the creek and you want to hock the paddle!
Joe: [apologizing because the motor boat will only move backwards] I'm afraid it may take a little longer.
Sugar: It's not how long it takes, it's who's taking you.
Joe - 'Josephine': [to Daphne] . What are you afraid of? No-one's asking you to have a baby!
Bouncer: [examining a golf bag] What's in here?
Spats' Henchman: My golf clubs. The putter, niblick, number three iron...
Bouncer: [pulling out a Tommy sub-machine gun] What's this?
Spats' Henchman: My mashie!
Osgood: [to the elevator operator] All right, driver, once around the park, slowly, and keep your eyes on the road.
Mulligan: You better bring a check in case the joint is raided.
Waiter: Who's gonna raid a funeral?
Mulligan: Some people got no respect for the dead.
Spats Colombo: Hello, copper. What brings you to Miami?
Mulligan: Heard you "opera lovers" were having a convention, so I thought I'd better be around in case anybody decided to sing.
Sugar: I come from this musical family. My mother is a piano teacher and my father was a conductor.
Joe: Where did he conduct?
Sugar: On the Baltimore and Ohio.
Sugar: [admiring a large fish trophy] What is it?
Junior: It's a member of the herring family.
Sugar: A herring? Isn't it amazing how they get those big fish into those little glass jars?
Junior: They shrink when they're marinated.
Sugar: [after running back to the room to tell Josephine about the millionaire, Joe's other alter ego, and finding she's not there] Well I'll be back later.
Jerry: Oh no you wait. I have a feeling she'll show up any minute.
Sugar: Believe it or not, Josephine predicted the whole thing.
Jerry: Yeah, this is one for Ripley.
Sugar: Do you suppose she went shopping?
Jerry: Shopping! That's it! Something tells me she's gonna come through that door in a brand new outfit!
Daphne: [in the berth, with the lady band members passing food around and a corkscrew's been brought] Girls, keep it down! You'll wake up the neighbours downstairs, now Josephine... WATCH THAT CORKSCREW!
Joe: [to Spats, about the murders they just witnessed] We didn't see anything. Did we?
Jerry: Nothing. Besides, it's none of our business if you guys wanna bump each other off, we don't -
[Joe nudges him to shut him up]
Joe: I feel a funny sensation in my toes. Like someone is barbecuing them over a fire.
Joe: I never knew it could be like this!
Sugar: Thank you.
Joe: They told me I was kaput, finished, all washed up. And here you are making a chump out of all those experts.
Sugar: Mineral baths, now really!
Joe: Where did you learn to kiss like that?
Sugar: I used to sell kisses for the milk fund.
[Jerry and Joe are in the elevator with Spats and his goons]
Spats' Henchman: Excuse me, ain't I had the pleasure of meetin' you two broads before?
Jerry: Oh, no. You must be thinking of two other broads.
Beinstock: [as Daphne falls up the train steps] . Whoops-a-daisy!
[smacks his bottom]
Mulligan: All right, Charlie; that the joint?
Toothpick Charlie: Yes, sir.
Mulligan: Who runs it?
Toothpick Charlie: I already told you.
Mulligan: Refresh my memory.
Toothpick Charlie: Spats Columbo.
Mulligan: That's very refreshing; what's the password?
Toothpick Charlie: "I've come to Grandma's funeral." Here's your admission card.
[he gives Mulligan a mourning armband]
Mulligan: Thanks, Charlie.
Toothpick Charlie: Now if you want a ringside table, just tell 'em that you're one of the pallbearers.
Mulligan: OK, Charlie.
Joe: [referring to Jerry] He has an empty stomach and it's gone to his head.
Daphne: [after meeting the dipsomaniac Sugar] How about the shape of that liquor cabinet?
Joe: So you got pinched in the elevator, so what? Would you rather be picking lead out of your navel?
Sugar: [on the yacht Junior's pretending he owns] Which is the port and which is the starboard?
Junior: Well that depends. That depends on whether you're coming or going. I mean, *normally*, normally, the aft is on the other side of the stern. But - And that's the bridge, so you can get from one side of the boat to the other.
Joe: [wipes away Sugar's tears] None of that, Sugar. No guy is worth it.
Mulligan: Alright Spats, services are over, lets go
Spats Colombo: Go where?
Mulligan: A little country club we run for retired bootleggers. I'm puttin your name up for membership
Spats Colombo: I dont join nothin'
Mulligan: Ahh... you'll like it there, I'll get the prison tailor to fit you with a pair of special spats - striped!
Spats Colombo: Big joke!