Auntie Mame (1958)
Gloria Upson: Bunny Bixler and I were in the semi-finals - the very semi-finals, mind you - of the ping-pong tournament at the club and this ghastly thing happened. We were both playing way over our heads and the score was 29-28. And we had this really terrific volley and I stepped back to get this really terrific shot. And I stepped on the ping-pong ball! I just squashed it to bits. And then Bunny and I ran to the closet of the game room to get another ping-pong ball and the closet was locked! Imagine? We had to call the whole thing off. Well, it was ghastly. Well, it was just ghastly.
Dwight Babcock: I dropped by the Bixby School. And what do I find? I find he isn't even registered there, he never has been. So I've been hunting through every low, crockpot school in this town, and I finally found him in the lowest of them all.
Auntie Mame: Mr. Page is a progressive educator...
Dwight Babcock: There they were, a schoolroom full of them: boys, girls, teachers, romping around stark naked, bare as the day they were born.
Auntie Mame: I assure you that the children under Mr. Page's care were engaged in normal, healthful, broadening pursuits.
Dwight Babcock: Broadening? You show them what you were doing when I broke into that place. Go ahead, show them.
Patrick Dennis: We just playing Fish Families.
Dwight Babcock: Fish Families!
Patrick Dennis: It's part of "constructive play".
Dwight Babcock: Now, listen to this.
Auntie Mame: Show me now darling, show me.
Patrick Dennis: Well, we do it right after yogurt time. Mrs. Page and all the girls crouch down on the floor under the sun lamps. And they pretend to be lady fishes, depositing their eggs in the sand. Then Mr. Page and all the boys do what gentlemen fish do.
Auntie Mame: [pause] What could be more wholesome or natural?
Auntie Mame: Oh, Agnes! Here you've been taking my dictations for weeks and you haven't gotten the message of my book: live!
Agnes Gooch: Live?
Auntie Mame: Yes! Live! Life's a banquet and most poor suckers are starving to death!
[Pouring Agnes a drink]
Mame: This will calm you down.
Agnes Gooch: Oh, no! Spirits do the most horrible thing to me. I'm not the same person!
Mame: What's wrong with that?
Agnes Gooch: Will it mix with Dr. Pepper?
Mame: He'll love it! Drink!
Mame Dennis: Well, now, uh, read me all the words you don't understand.
Patrick Dennis: Libido, inferiority complex, stinko, blotto, free love, bathtub gin, monkey glands, Karl Marx... is he one of the Marx Brothers?
[Patrick reads a list of words he doesn't understand]
Patrick Dennis: ...Neurotic, heterosexual...
Mame Dennis: Oh, my my my my, what an eager little mind.
[takes the list]
Mame Dennis: You won't need some of these words for months and months.
Auntie Mame: Run along to Ito and tell him to bring me a light breakfast - black coffee and a side car. Oh, oh. And a cold towel for your Auntie Vera.
Patrick Dennis: Is she in the guest room again?
Auntie Mame: Since Sunday, dear. Now run along to Ito and hurry my tray, darling. Your Auntie needs fuel.
Mrs. Burnside: [talking to her relatives] 'afternoon to y'all! Vultures!
Sally Cato: Now Mrs. Burnside, I hope you don't think of me as a vulture!
Mrs. Burnside: Oh, no, Sally Cato! You're not a vulture, you're just a dead pidgeon!
Dwight Babcock: For nine years, Mame Dennis Burnside, I have done everything in my power to protect this boy from your idiotic, cockeyed nincompoopery.
Mame Dennis: That's a B. It's the first letter of a seven-letter word that means your late father.
Patrick Dennis: Is the English lady sick, Auntie Mame?
Auntie Mame: She's not English, darling... she's from Pittsburgh.
Patrick Dennis: She sounded English.
Auntie Mame: Well, when you're from Pittsburgh, you have to do something.
Auntie Mame: Oh, you know I really am fascinated by aviation. I never knew they did it all with rubber bands.
Vera Charles: If you kept your hair natural like I do...
Auntie Mame: If I kept my hair natural like yours, I'd be bald.
Auntie Mame: [Mame has just gotten fired from Macy's] Don't forget the skates for the little nippers. Get 'em at Gimble's!
Vera Charles: [to Mame regarding her loud, jingly bracelets] What the HELL have you got back there, reindeer?
Mame Dennis: [to Patrick who has unleashed sunlight on a very hung-over Mame] Child, how can you see with all that light?
Norah Muldoon: [to the electrical contractor regarding Vera Charles] It's the "First Lady of the American Thee-ayter" out cold in the guestroom. Ms. Charles don' live here. She does her drinkin' here and her passin' out here.
Gloria Upson: Miss Charles, I've just got to tell you how I adored you in "Mary of Scotland."
Vera Charles: Did you dear? That was Helen Hayes.
Sally Cato: [before a fox-hunt] Well? Shall we to the hounds?
Auntie Mame: [muttered] Yeah, I'd love to meet your family.
Claude Upson: I got this recipe from a bartender I met in Havana. You'll never guess the secret ingredient. I'll give you one hint: there's no sugar in a Claude Upson daiquiri!
Auntie Mame: And yet it's so... sweet.
Auntie Mame: Whatever do you use?
Auntie Mame: Chocolate ice cream!
Auntie Mame: What an honor it is to have you in our little home... though I wonder if it does make the best first impression on a sensitive young mind to see you drinking during business hours.
Auntie Mame: Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black. You want to talk to Mr. Gutterman? One moment, sir. I'll connect you. Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bibberman and Black. Oh, yes Mr. Bibberman. You'd like to talk with Mr. Applewhite? Oh, yes, sir, he's in. I'll connect you. Widdicome, Gutterman, Applewhite, Bib-bib-bib-blib-bibman and Black? Oh yes, long distance, how are you? Oh. Mr Widdecome? I have your San Francisco call for you. Yes, Mr. Bibberman? Oh. Did I connect you to Mr. Gutterman instead of Mr. Applewhite? I'm sorry Mr. Bibbicome, Bibbibibbib.
[She pulls the jack out of the plug and shakes it]
Auntie Mame: Oh Mr. Applewhite, what are you doing in that hole with Mr. Gutterman? Yes Mr. Widdicome? Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I'll try to reconnect you again with San Francisco. Let me see, Mr. Bibibib is in there talking to Mr. Bubbawhite. Where on earth is Mr. Applewhite? Oh, there you are Mr. Applewhite!
[She starts to cross cords and desperately plug jacks into holes]
Auntie Mame: Mr. Widdicome, there's no such place as San Francisco. Please!
[She lifts up her console and is horrified to see that it's glowing]
Auntie Mame: Mr. Bibibib? Mr. Widdicome?
Agnes Gooch: [about her evening with Brian... that she can't remember] I lived. I gotta find out what to do now!
Auntie Mame: [pointing to Agnes] And what is this?
Agnes Gooch: I'm your sponge!
Dwight Babcock: [Angrily] I am going to turn this kid into a decent, God-fearing Christian if I have to break every bone in his body!
Auntie Mame: [Meeting her nephew's snobbish dumb-blond fiancee for the first time] You're er, you're at school dear?
Gloria Upson: I am an Upper Richman Girls School girl.
Auntie Mame: Now, how did you get that lovely tan, so early in the spring?
Gloria Upson: Oh, I played hooky for a couple of weeks. Mums and Dadums and I went down to our place in Fort Lauderdale. We have a place in Fort Lauderdale.
Patrick Dennis: I was out of my mind until she got back. I am insanely jealous of this kid. Sheer torture and I love it.
Gloria Upson: [Coyly] Silly...
Auntie Mame: Tell me dear, have you er, have you chosen your major yet?
Gloria Upson: [With a blank stare] Chosen my major?
Auntie Mame: What courses are you taking at college?
Gloria Upson: Ah, well, just a general sort of liberal arts things, you know, English lit and like that. Upper Richman's a top drawer. *Really* top drawer.
Gloria Upson: Oh, my, what a stunning apartment.
Auntie Mame: Thank you.
Gloria Upson: Books are awfully decorative, don't you think?
Patrick Dennis - Older: Marriage is a great institution...
Auntie Mame: Such talented fingers... what he did to my bust! That's a word for my head, you know.
Patrick Dennis: [walking with Mame after Mame's remarkable sidesaddle horseback ride during a fox hunt] Can I ask you just one question? How did you stay on that horse?
Auntie Mame: It was just like New Haven with the bracelets. I got stuck, but at the other end.
Gloria Upson: And, of course, it's completely restricted.
Auntie Mame: I'll get a blood test.