Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Boy, I sure wish there was somebody in the family for me to yell at.
Wally Cleaver: That's your tough luck.
June Cleaver: Eddie seems to know a lot about the law.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, he told his father, in three years he's going over the wall.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you really like me, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: I guess so.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Do you like me a whole lot?
Wally Cleaver: Look, don't get sloppy on me. I might just slug you one.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: We can't just say we're going to be friends. We gotta have an agreement or something.
Larry Mondello: Okay.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I, Beaver Cleaver, swear to die for Larry Mondello and always stick up for him and never snitch on him and be his friend forever.
[at a backyard funeral]
Larry Mondello: These here are Beaver's pigeons, which he named after his two teachers, which the cat ate, so he buried them.
June Cleaver: Eddie, would you care to stay for dinner? We're having roast beef.
Eddie Haskell: No thank you, Mrs. Cleaver. I really must be getting home. We're having squab this evening.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, wait'll the guys find out you were hanging around with a girl. They'll really give you the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: But gee, Wally, you hang around with girls and the guys don't give you the business.
Wally Cleaver: Well, that's because I'm in high school. You can do a lot of stuff in high school without getting the business.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee Wally, that's swell.
Fred Rutherford: Have to keep a firm hand on boys nowadays, Ward. My Clarence answered me back the other day. I smacked him right in the mouth. None of this psychology for me.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I could use my own money, the twenty-five dollars I got in the bank.
Wally Cleaver: I thought you were saving that to go to college.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Larry says he never heard of a college you could go to for twenty-five dollars.
Eddie Haskell: Wally, if your dumb brother tags along, I'm gonna - oh, good afternoon, Mrs. Cleaver. I was just telling Wallace how pleasant it would be for Theodore to accompany us to the movies.
Eddie Haskell: Gee, your kitchen always looks so clean.
June Cleaver: Why, thank you, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: My mother says it looks as though you never do any work in here.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you know what Larry was doing was wrong. You could have stopped him.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I have enough trouble keeping myself good without keeping all the other kids good.
June Cleaver: Wally, where are you going?
Wally Cleaver: I'm going over to slug Eddie.
June Cleaver: That's no way to talk, this is Sunday.
Wally Cleaver: You're right, I'll wait 'til tomorrow and slug him in the cafeteria.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You know something, Wally? I'd rather do nothin' with you than somethin' with anybody else.
June Cleaver: Ward, I'm very worried about the Beaver.
Ward Cleaver: How'd the fishing go Beav?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Great Dad. We didn't catch any fish, but Larry and I saw a man slip on a wet rock and heard everything he said.
Wally Cleaver: Are you giving me the business?
Wally Cleaver: Where'd you hear all that jazz?
Wally Cleaver: Dry up, Beaver.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [to Lumpy] Lumpy Dumpy Rat Rat.
Wally Cleaver: Are you being a wise guy?
Ward Cleaver: I'm going to change my clothes and finish painting those trash cans myself; the boys ran out on the job.
June Cleaver: Well dear you can't blame them too much, they went over to see the big fire at the lumber yard.
Ward Cleaver: Fire?
June Cleaver: Yes, they couldn't resist it, and after all they are just boys.
Ward Cleaver: Tom Corton's lumber yard?
June Cleaver: Yes, it's been on the radio. Why, they've called out fire companies from all over.
Ward Cleaver: Well it must be quite a fire.
June Cleaver: Yes, it must be.
Ward Cleaver: June, I wonder if you'd go out to the garage and put those brushes in some turpentine, I won't be too long. (Rushes out the back door.)
June Cleaver: Once a boy always a boy.
Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, how come you know so much about buying cars?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, as unbelievable as it may seem they did have cars in my younger days.
Wally Cleaver: Used cars?
Ward Cleaver: Wally, believe it or not, I was your age once.
Wally Cleaver: What a dumb thing to do. I bet you wouldn't have done anything like this if Mom and Dad were here.
June Cleaver: Dear, do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No, just parents with children.
Ward Cleaver: It's that friend of Beaver's. You know, the one who always talks like he was just frightened by something.
June Cleaver: Whitey Whitney?
Ward Cleaver: That's it.
Eddie Haskell: Not me! Your father doesn't like me.
Wally Cleaver: Why would you say that?
Eddie Haskell: On account of the way he looks at me when he opens the door. Sometimes I think he'd be happier to see Kruschev standing there.
Ward Cleaver: Ah, June, Gilbert's always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?
June Cleaver: Oh, I see her at the supermarket every once in a while. She seems like a calm sensible person.
Ward Cleaver: You can't really go by that. You might look the same way to her.
Wally Cleaver: [Ward has told the boys how he used to walk to school as a kid]
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, every year the distance gets longer and the snow gets deeper.
Ward Cleaver: Let's face it, June, Wally and Eddie have been friends for four or five years now - nothing's ever really happed.
June Cleaver: But Eddie has that look about him that makes you think something's always about to happen.
Cornelia Rayburn: [reading the poem Ward wrote for the Beaver to recite at school] The Bear: I would like to be a bear, gay and happy free from care / That's the life like no other, climbing trees with my mother / Though they call me beast of rage, I've never put things in a cage / Or set a trap since time's begun, or shot a human with a gun.
Wally Cleaver: Did Dad hit ya?
Wally Cleaver: Did he yell at ya?
Wally Cleaver: Then why ya cryin'?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Sometimes things get so messed up, crying is the only thing you can do.
[the boys have set a trap for Lumpy and are trying to lure him out of the house ]
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C'mon out, Lumpy!
Fred Rutherford: Gwendoline, what's that?
Gwen Rutherford: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy, dumpy, you big ape!
Fred Rutherford: Must be for Clarence.
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen Rutherford: Might be for you, dear.
[Richard has lost the three dollars his mother gave him to have the families laundry washed]
Richard Rickover: I wish I was young enough to cry.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, now the only place you can cry is in the movies where it's dark.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: If I had my choice between a three pound bass and a girl, I'd take the three pound bass.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Violet Rutherford drinks gutter water.
Mr. Foster: [Mr. Foster is reading out the class grades] Miss Rogers, A, Mr. Haskell, B+, Mr. Cleaver, A-, Mr. Rutherford, F.
Clarence 'Lumpy' Rutherford: An ?F?, Mr. Foster?
Mr. Foster: Yes, Mr. Rutherford. It's the lowest grade they allow me to give.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [Ward wants to see Beaver in the den] Is Dad mad?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but Mom's in there.
Eddie Haskell: Look Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver: I don't get that.
Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's because you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Larry Mondello: Beaver punched me in the stomach, right where I almost had my operation.
Mrs. Margaret Mondello: Things would be all right if my daughter could just find a husband. Then we'd always have a man around to give it to Larry when his father's out of town.
Eddie Haskell: Hey, guys, like my new vest? I think it brings out the Peter Lawford in me.
Fred Rutherford: [Wally and Eddie's prank on Lumpy has backfired] Clarence! Did you wrap this chain around the axle of your car and then try to drive off?
Clarence 'Lumpy' Rutherford: Gosh no, Daddy! Why would I do something like that?
Fred Rutherford: It just seems like something you would do.
Eddie Haskell: [Beaver thinks he isn't going to graduate from 8th grade] Hey, that's tough, kid. Let me think. Maybe I can help you figure a way out of this.
Wally Cleaver: Listen, Beav. At this point, I don't think you want to be taking advice from Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: Are you kidding? I've been in an out of every kind of trouble there is in school.
[Ward has arrived home from work and is reading the mail in the living room, unbeknownst to June and Wally who have just come down the stairs]
June Cleaver: Now Wally, I want you to go in the living room and pick up those orange peels that you left on the coffee table. If your father comes home and sees them he'll be in a terrible mood all through dinner.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I don't want him hollerin' at me again.
[June sees Ward in the living room, who has overheard their exchange]
June Cleaver: [sheepishly] Hello Dear. I was upstairs, I didn't know you were home.
Ward Cleaver: Oh yes, the monster has returned to his cave.
[June has prepared a lovely dinner of barbecued pork ribs]
Ward Cleaver: Well, you boys are very quiet tonight. What are you thinking about?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I was just thinkin' what I'd do if I was a pig eatin' peoples ribs.
June Cleaver: Beaver, please.
[Entry in Beaver's diary]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Went to school. Ate lunch. Saw dead cat. Came home.
Wally Cleaver: Hi Dad. I didn't do anything.
Ward Cleaver: Why do you say that?
Wally Cleaver: Well, I don't know, but, uh, you have that look on your face like somebody did something.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You wanna' mess around later?
Larry Mondello: I can't, I'm grounded.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How come?
Larry Mondello: My father caught me eating pie in bed.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: I wouldn't wanna do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.
[Ward has opened the car door for June to enter]
June Cleaver: Thank you dear. It's so sweet of you to be the thoughtful husband after all these years.
Ward Cleaver: Your very welcome. Besides the neighbors might be watching.
[Beaver and Larry are having a picnic at Friends Lake]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Larry, how come food tastes better when your eatin' it outside?
Larry Mondello: I don't know. Maybe 'cause if you drop something, nobody's gonna' holler at ya' for gettin' dirt dirty.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, fine!
[Eddie's mother is concerned about him taking a summer job on an Alaskan fishing boat]
Agnes Haskell: It's such a rough life and Edward's so sensitive.
George Haskell: Sensitive? He's about as sensitive as an armadillo.
Wally Cleaver: Just watch what your sayin' Beaver or I'm liable to clop you one.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, your mother and I are very disappointed in you.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Cross my heart and hope to spit.
[Fred has walked to the Cleaver's to catch a ride to work with Ward]
Fred Rutherford: I hate to mention it, but this neighborhood's getting a little on the rough side.
Ward Cleaver: Oh?
Fred Rutherford: Yes. Coming down the block just now, a kid yelled, "Hey skinhead" at me.
Larry Mondello: That was a great jungle movie, huh Beav?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Yeah, but there was too much kissin' and not enough apes.
Ward Cleaver: Sometimes I wish I had stayed single and raised silver foxes.
[Wally's in love]
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: What's the matter with you, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Whatta' you mean what's the matter with me?
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: You look like that time you ate all those rotten eclairs you found in the trash behind the supermarket.
Ward Cleaver: A man never gets so old, that he forgets how it was being a little boy.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Hey Wally, how come Dad's taking us out to dinner and a show?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know; I think it's on account of togetherness; like you read about in the magazines. You know, it's supposed to make us a happy family and all that kind of junk.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: Couldn't we be a happy family just eatin' in the kitchen?
Wally Cleaver: Na, that's no good. Ya' gotta' go out and show people your a happy family.
Mr. Willet: Mr. Whitney?
Hubert 'Whitey' Whitney: Who, me?
Mr. Willet: Yes. I spoke to you yesterday about making faces at Miss Hensler, didn't I?
Hubert 'Whitey' Whitney: I'm not making faces Mr. Willet. I just can't help laughing when I look at her.
Eddie Haskell: [to Wally] Your father gave me a funny look when I came in... like I'm a teenage werewolf or something.
[Wally and the Beaver are having a talk about girls]
Wally Cleaver: I guess girls stop makin' ya' sick just about the same time baths stop makin' ya' sick.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: How will I know when it happens to me?
Wally Cleaver: Well, one of these days when you're checkin' your own ears for dirt, girls will start lookin' good to ya'.