[Don's about to start shooting a new movie]
Cosmo Brown: What's this one about?
Don Lockwood: It's a French revolution story...
Cosmo Brown: Don't tell me. You're a French aristocrat, she's a simple girl of the people, and she won't even give you a tumbrel. Hah!
[after filming a love scene]
Lina: Oh Donny! You couldn't kiss me like that and not mean it just a teensy bit!
Don Lockwood: Meet the greatest actor in the world! I'd rather kiss a tarantula.
Lina: You don't mean that.
Don Lockwood: I don't - - Hey Joe, get me a tarantula.
R.F. Simpson: Don, it'll be a sensation! "Lamont and Lockwood: they talk!"
Lina: [with a voice to peel paint] Well of *course* we talk. Don't everybody?
Lina: What's wrong with the way I talk? What's the big idea? Am I dumb or something?
Don Lockwood: Now listen, R.F., the owner of the Coconut Grove may do what Lina tells him to, but you're the head of this studio.
R.F. Simpson: That's right, I'm the head of this studio. She's hired! But don't let Lina know she's on the lot.
Lina Lamont: Gee, this wig weighs a ton! What dope'd wear a thing like this?
Rosco: Everybody used to wear them, Lina.
Lina Lamont: Well, then everybody was a dope.
Cosmo Brown: The new Don Lockwood. He yodels, he jumps around to music.
Don Lockwood: The only problem is once they release this movie, no-one's gonna want to see me jump off the Woolworth building into a damp rag.
Don Lockwood: [while filming a love scene] Why, you rattlesnake! You got that poor kid fired.
Lina Lamont: That's not all I'm gonna do if I ever get my hands on her.
Don Lockwood: I never heard of anything so low. Why did you do it?
Lina Lamont: Because you liked her. I could tell.
Don Lockwood: So that's it. Believe me, I don't like her half as much as I hate you, you reptile.
Lina Lamont: Sticks and stones may break my bones...
Don Lockwood: I'd like to break every bone in your body.
Lina Lamont: You and who else, you big lummox?
Don Lockwood: I do hope you're going to favor us with something special tonight.
Kathy Selden: Please!
Don Lockwood: Say, Hamlet's soliloquy, or the balcony scene from "Romeo and Juliet."
Kathy Selden: Mr. Lockwood!
Don Lockwood: Don't be shy. You'd make about the prettiest Juliet I've ever seen. Really.
Kathy: Are you sure it's all right? Being seen with me?
Don Lockwood: You mean lofty star with humble player?
Kathy: Not exactly, but for lunch don't you usually tear a pheasant with Miss Lamont?
Don Lockwood: Kathy, all the stories about Lina and me are sheer publicity.
Kathy: Oh? It certainly seems more than that. From all those columns in the newspapers and articles in the fan magazines...
Don Lockwood: You read the fan magazines?
Kathy: I pick them up at the beauty parlor or the dentist's office, just like anybody.
Don Lockwood: Really?
Kathy: Well... I buy four or five a month.
Don Lockwood: Four or five...
Kathy: But anyway, to get back to the point, you and Miss Lamont do achieve a certain intimacy in all your pictures...
Don Lockwood: Did you say *all* our pictures?
Kathy: I guess if I think about it I've seen eight or nine of them.
Don Lockwood: You know I remember someone saying, "If you've seen one you've seen 'em all".
Kathy: I said some awful things that night, didn't I?
Don Lockwood: No. I deserved them. But I must admit I was hurt by them. So hurt in fact that I haven't been able to think about anything but you ever since.
The Coconut Grove Girls: [singing] All I do is dream of you the whole night through; with the dawn I still go on, dreaming of you. You're every thought, you're everything, you're every song I ever sing; summer, winter, autumn and spring. And were there more than twenty four hours a day; they'd be spent in sweet content dreaming away; when skies are grey, when skies are blue; morning, noon and night time too; all I do the whole day through is dream of you.
Cosmo Brown: Why bother to shoot this film? Why not release the old one under a new title? You've seen one, you've seen them all.
Don Lockwood: Hey, what'd you say that for?
Cosmo Brown: What's the matter?
Don Lockwood: That's what that Kathy Selden said to me that night.
Cosmo Brown: That's three weeks ago, you still thinking about that?
Don Lockwood: I can't get her out of my mind.
Cosmo Brown: How could you - she's the first dame who hasn't fallen for your line since you were four.
Don Lockwood: Where'd Miss Selden go?
Female dancer: She just grabbed her things and bolted. Anything I can do?
Don Lockwood: Sorry, I don't have time to find out.
Don Lockwood: Which of my pictures have you seen?
Kathy: I don't remember. I saw one once.
Don Lockwood: You saw one once?
Kathy: Yes, I think you were dueling and there was a girl - Lina Lamont. But I don't go to the movies much. If you've seen one you've seen them all.
Don Lockwood: Thank you.
Kathy: Oh, no offense. Movies are entertaining enough for the masses but the personalities on the screen just don't impress me. I mean they don't talk, they don't act, the just make a lot of dumb show. Well, you know
Kathy: like that.
Don Lockwood: You mean like what I do?
Kathy: Well, yes!
Don Lockwood: I'm no actor. I never was. Just a bunch of dumb show. I know that now.
Cosmo Brown: Well, at least you're taking it lying down.
Don Lockwood: No. No kidding, Cosmo. Did you ever see anything as ridiculous as me on that screen tonight?
Kathy: Yeah, how about Lina?
Don Lockwood: All right. I ran her a close second. Maybe it was a photo finish. I'm through, fellas.
Kathy: Don, you're not through!
Cosmo Brown: Why of course not. Why, with your looks and figure, you could drive an ice wagon or shine shoes!
Kathy: Block hats!
Cosmo Brown: Sell pencils!
Kathy: Dig ditches!
Cosmo Brown: Or worse still, go back to vaudeville.
Kathy: [picks up a cake] Here's one thing I learned from the movies!
[Throws it at Don but hits Lina]
Cosmo Brown: Lina. She can't act, she can't sing, she can't dance. A triple threat.
Cosmo Brown: Talking pictures, that means I'm out of a job. At last I can start suffering and write that symphony.
R.F. Simpson: You're not out of job, we're putting you in as head of our new music department.
Cosmo Brown: Oh, thanks, R.F.! At last I can stop suffering and write that symphony.
Lina Lamont: What do they think I am? Dumb or something? Why, I make more money than - than - than Calvin Coolidge! Put together!
Cosmo Brown: Make 'em laugh!
Lina Lamont: "People"? I ain't "people." I am a - "a shimmering, glowing star in the cinema firmament."
[picks up newspaper]
Lina Lamont: It says so - right here.
Lina Lamont: If we bring a little joy into your humdrum lives, it makes us feel as though our hard work ain't been in vain for nothin'. Bless you all.
Kathy Selden: Now look, Miss Lamont, Don and I...
Lina Lamont: Don? Don't you *dare* call him Don! I was calling him Don before you were born! I mean... You-you were kissing him!
Don Lockwood: *I* was kissing *her*! I happen to be in love with her.
Lina Lamont: That's ridiculous. Everybody knows you're in love with me.
Don Lockwood: What's your lofty mission in life that lets you sneer at my humble profession?
Kathy Selden: I'm an actress...
Don Lockwood: Oh...
Kathy: ...on the stage.
Don Lockwood: Oh, on the stage, well I'd like to see you act, what are you in right now? I could brush up on my English, or bring along an interpreter, that is if they'd let in a *movie* actor.
Kathy Selden: I'm not in a play right now, but I will be. I'm going to New York...
Don Lockwood: Oh, you're going to New York and then some day we'll all hear of you, won't we? Kathy Selden as Juliet, as Lady Macbeth, as King Lear. You'll have to wear a beard for that one of course.
Kathy Selden: Laugh all you want, but at least the stage is a dignified profession.
Don Lockwood: [scoffing] Dignified profession.
Kathy: What do you have to be so conceited about? You're nothing but a shadow on film... just a shadow. You're not flesh and blood.
Don Lockwood: Oh, no?
[moves amorously towards her]
Don Lockwood: What can I do to you, I'm only a shadow.
Don Lockwood: Dignity. Always, dignity.
Girl in audience: [about Lina] She's so refined. I think I'll kill myself.
Don Lockwood: Now Lina, you've been reading all those fan magazines again! Now look Lina, you shouldn't believe all that banana oil Dora Bailey and the columnists dish out. Now try to get this straight: there is nothing between us. There has never been anything between us. Just air.
Lina: Oh, Donny, you don't mean that.
Don Lockwood: What's the matter with that girl? Can't she take a gentle hint?
Cosmo Brown: Well haven't ya heard? She's irresistible. She told me so herself.
Cosmo Brown: Short people have long faces, and long people have short faces. Big people have little humor, and little people have no humor at all.
Cosmo Brown: What's the first thing an actor learns? "The show must go on!' Come rain, come shine, come snow, come sleet, the show MUST go on!
Kathy: You keep away from me! Just because you're a big movie star, wild parties, swimming pools, you expect every girl to fall in a dead faint at your feet. Well, don't you touch me!
Don Lockwood: [chanting] Fear not, sweet lady! I will not molest you. I am but a humble jester, and you? You are to far above me!
[he gets out of the car and closes the door on his coat tails]
Don Lockwood: Farewell, Ethel Barrymore! I must tear myself from your side!
[Don tears his coat. Kathy guffaws as Don walks away]
[filming a scene with a microphone hidden in a bush]
Rosco: Lina! We're missing every other word! You've got to talk into the mike!
Lina: [pointing at the bush] Well, I can't make love to a bush!
Cosmo Brown: You have to show a movie at a party. It's a Hollywood law.
Lina: You mean it's going to say on the screen that I don't talk and sing for myself?
Cosmo Brown: The price of fame. You've got the glory, you gotta take the little heartaches that go with it. Now look at me: I've got no fame, I've got no glory, I've got no big mansions, I've got no money! But I've got - what have I got?
Don Lockwood: I don't know, what have you got?
Cosmo Brown: I gotta get out of here.
Don Lockwood: [to Kathy, after she jumps out of the cake] Well, if it isn't Ethel Barrymore.
Phoebe Dinsmore: [giving Lina diction lessons] Repeat after me - Tah, Tey, Tee, Toe, Too.
Lina Lamont: Tah, Tey, Tye, Tow, Tyo.
Phoebe Dinsmore: No, no, no Miss Lamont, Round tones, round tones. Now, let me hear you read your line.
Lina Lamont: And I cayn't stand'im.
Phoebe Dinsmore: And I can't stand him.
Lina Lamont: And I cayn't stand'im.
Phoebe Dinsmore: Can't.
Lina Lamont: Cayn't.
Phoebe Dinsmore: Caaaan't
Lina Lamont: Cayyyyn't
Dora Bailey: Ladies and gentlemen, when you look at this gorgeous couple, it's no wonder they're a household name all over the world like... bacon and eggs. Lockwood and Lamont!
Rosco: What's your name?
Don Lockwood: Don Lockwood sir, but the fellas all call me Donald.
Rosco: Wise guy, eh? All right, get this guy into Bert's suit! And remember Lockwood, you might be trading that fiddle in for a harp!
Don Lockwood: Are you doing anything tonight, Miss Lamont?
[she shakes her head "no"]
Don Lockwood: Well's that's funny - *I'm* busy.
Rod: Lina, you're a beautiful woman. Audiences think you've got a voice to match. The studio's gotta keep their stars from looking ridiculous at any cost.
Cosmo Brown: Nobody's got that much money.
Kathy Selden: [sings cheerfully] Here we are! Sunset and Camden!
Man in talking pictures demonstration: Hello! This is a demonstration of a talking picture. Notice, it is a picture of me and I am talking. Note how my lips and the sound issuing from them are synchronized together in perfect unison.
[after the demonstration of a talking picture]
R.F. Simpson: What do you think of it, Dexter?
Rosco: It'll never amount to a thing.
Olga: [with heavy, snotty accent] Its vulgar!
Cosmo Brown: That's what they said about the horseless carriage.
Don Lockwood: I just had to tell you how good you were.
Kathy Selden: Excuse me.
Don Lockwood: No, no, don't go.
[pointing to cake she came out of at beginning of scene]
Don Lockwood: Now that I know where you live I'd like to see you home.
[after Lina gets a pie thrown in her face]
Cosmo Brown: Lina, You've never looked lovelier.
Cosmo Brown: Gee, I'm glad you turned up, we've been looking inside every cake in town.
[after Cosmo's car breaks down]
Don Lockwood: Don't tell me, it's a flat tire.
Cosmo Brown: I can't undertand it. This car hasn't given me a lick of trouble in nearly 6 hours.
[after Don shows up late for a party]
Cosmo Brown: Don, how did you come, by way of Australia?
Don Lockwood: Tell me the truth, am I a good actor?
Cosmo Brown: As long as I'm working for Monumental Pictures, you're the greatest of 'em all.
[after Cosmo gives a good idea]
R.F. Simpson: Cosmo, remind me to give you a raise.
Cosmo Brown: Oh, R.F.
R.F. Simpson: Yes?
Cosmo Brown: Give me a raise.
[after picture is shown where Kathy is singing for Lina]
Cosmo Brown: Lina, you were fabulous. You sang as good as Kathy Selden.
Rosco: [after a take] We're really rolling, Mr. Simpson.
R.F. Simpson: Well, you can stop rolling at once.
R.F. Simpson: Don, Lina.
Rosco: Ok, everybody save it!
R.F. Simpson: Save it? Tell them to go home. We're shutting down for a few weeks.
R.F. Simpson: Well, don't just stand there. Tell them!
Rosco: Everybody go until further notice! What is it?
Dora Bailey: [broadcasting on radio] This is Dora Bailey, ladies and gentlemen, talking to you from the front of the Chinese Theater in Hollywood. What a night, ladies and gentlemen, what a night! Every star in Hollywood's heaven is here to make Monumental Pictures' premiere of "The Royal Rascal" the outstanding event of 1927! Everyone is breathlessly awaiting the arrival of Lina Lamont and Don Lockwood!
Don Lockwood: Ladies and gentlemen, stop that girl, that girl running up the aisle. Stop her! That's the girl whose voice you heard and loved tonight. She's the real star of the picture. Kathy Selden!
[theater audience applauds and cheers]
Don Lockwood: Kathy...
[Don and Kathy sing "You Are My Lucky Star"]
Diction Coach: Moses supposes his toeses are roses, but Moses supposes erroneously. Moses he knowses his toeses aren't roses as Moses supposes his toeses to be.
Don Lockwood: Well, we movie stars get the glory. I guess we have to take the little heartaches that go with it. People think we lead lives of glamour and romance, but we're really lonely - terribly lonely.
Chorus: [singing] Gotta dance!
Don Lockwood: [singing] Gotta dance! Gotta Dance! / Broadway Rhythm, it's got me, everybody dance!
Don Lockwood: [singing] That's the Broadway Melody!
Don Lockwood: [to the press] They sent me to the finest schools, including dancing schools. That's where I first met Cosmo. And with him I used to perform for all of Mom and Dad's society friends.
Rosco: [after seeing the film screw-up] The sound, its out of synchronization!
R.F. Simpson: [irritated] Well tell them to fix it!
Rosco: [while getting up] Yes sir, fix it!