Fred Mertz: She said my mother looks like a weasel.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, apologize.
Ethel Mertz: I'm sorry your mother looks like a weasel.
Lucy Ricardo: It's seventy-nine cents a pound.
Customer: How can you sell meat so cheap?
Lucy Ricardo: I'm glad you asked that. We rope, we brand, we butcher. We do everything but eat it for you. Seventy-nine cents a pound.
Lucy Ricardo: I want the names to be unique and euphonious.
Ricky Ricardo: Okay. Unique if it's a boy, and Euphonious if it's a girl.
Lucy Ricardo: Ever since we said "I do", there have been so many things that we don't.
[When Ethel doesn't return to California hotel suite]
Fred Mertz: Let's just hope for the best.
Lucy Ricardo: Don't worry, Fred, Ethel'll come back.
Fred Mertz: I said let's hope for the BEST.
Ricky Ricardo: Look, all I know is that Columbus discovered Ohio in 1776.
Mr. Merriweather: Oh, you study numerology?
Lucy Ricardo: Of course.
Mr. Merriweather: I'm a 1.
Lucy Ricardo: I'm a 3.
Ricky Ricardo: I'm a 5.
Mr. Merriweather: We're all odd, aren't we?
Lucy Ricardo: If some other woman were to take Fred away from you, you'd be singing a different tune, too.
Ethel Mertz: Yeah, "Happy Days Are Here Again".
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, you got some 'splainin' to do!
[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]
Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, a funny thing happened to me on the way to the theater.
Lucy Ricardo: What?
Ricky Ricardo: Some tramp comes up to me on the street and says he hadn't had a bite in three days.
Lucy Ricardo: What did you do, bite him?
Ricky Ricardo: What do you know about rice?
Fred Mertz: Well, I had it thrown at me on one of the darkest days in my life.
Ethel Mertz: Oh, Lucy, I know you're not going to move, but if you ever do move, don't move.
Lucy Ricardo: Eeeewwwww.
[Lucy is feigning amnesia]
Lucy Ricardo: My mother told me never to talk to strange men... whoever she is.
Ricky Ricardo: Something's wrong with the electricity. My shaver isn't working.
Lucy Ricardo: Something's wrong with the gas. My chicken isn't working.
Lucy Ricardo: I made a funny?
[while Lucy is trying out the new mind reading act at Ricky's club:]
Mindreader's assistant: What is your date of birth?
Lucy Ricardo: August 6th.
Mindreader's assistant: August 6th what?
Lucy Ricardo: August 6th period.
Ethel Mertz: Gee, this high altitude sure gives me an appetite.
Fred Mertz: What's your excuse at sea level?
Ethel Mertz: Where you afraid you'd lose me?
Fred Mertz: I'll say, that outfit you're wearing is rented.
Ethel Mertz: Imagine me meeting a Queen face to face, I'm scared.
Fred Mertz: You're scared? Think of the Queen.
Lucy Ricardo: Lets see, it was either the upstairs maid or the butler
Ricky Ricardo: It was her husband
Lucy Ricardo: Her husband? He didn't have any reason to do it
Ricky Ricardo: He was married wasn't he
Ricky Ricardo: (losing his temper after Lucy screwed up his chance to be in a Broadway Play) You did what?
Lucy Ricardo: I was only trying to help.
Ricky Ricardo: (shouting) Help?
Lucy Ricardo: HELP.
Ethel Mertz: What are you writing about?
Lucy Ricardo: I'm writing about things I know.
Ethel Mertz: That won't be a novel that will be a short story
Lucy Ricardo: We have to find Sylvia Collins a husband but where?
Ethel Mertz: I'll make the sacrifice she can have mine.
[while watching Lucy and Ricky kiss]
Ethel Mertz: Isn't that sweet? Just like two lovebirds.
Fred Mertz: What are you, a bird watcher?
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy! I'm Home!
[inside an Italian train with a cramped seat Fred's asleep]
Ethel Mertz: Fred, Fred, wake up sleeping beauty.
Lucy Ricardo: You couldn't wake him up with a stick of dynamite.
Ethel Mertz: Hey I got an idea
Ethel Mertz: Hey look there goes Gina Lollobrigida.
Fred Mertz: [gets up from his seat excited] Where? Where? Where?
[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]
Ricky Ricardo: I've got a joke you never heard in your life. I know a girl who's so dumb she thinks a football coach has four wheels. Ha ha ha.
[Audience is silent]
Lucy Ricardo: How many wheels does it have?
[Ricky and Lucy are doing a show together]
Ricky Ricardo: Hey, Lucy, did you hear about the fire at the shoe factory?
Lucy Ricardo: I'll bet some heel started it.
Ricky Ricardo: You're supposed to say, "What happened?"
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Ricky Ricardo: What happened?
Lucy Ricardo: 200 soles were lost.
Lucy Ricardo: Ricky, I'd like you to meet my second first husband.
Ricky Ricardo: [with heavy accent] I won't switch apartments. Understand?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes.
Ricky Ricardo: What did I say?
Lucy Ricardo: "I wun't swish aparments".
Ricky Ricardo: I don't like that tone. You are thinking again.
Lucy Ricardo: There's no law about me going to Romanov's. Perhaps maybe stopping by your table and...
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, if I so much as see your face at Romanov's, I'm gonna wrap you up in brown paper and mail you back to New York. And that's an ultimatum.
Ethel Mertz: An ultimatum? I'm not surprised.
Lucy Ricardo: I am. I didn't think he knew how to pronounce it.
Ethel Mertz: If I let my hair go like that you'd never let me hear the end of it.
Fred Mertz: Honeybunch, if the rest of you looked like that I wouldn't care if you were bald.
Ethel Mertz: There's lots of things you're good at.
Lucy Ricardo: Like what?
Ethel Mertz: Well, you're awfully good at... uh... You've always been great at...
Lucy Ricardo: Those are the same ones Ricky came up with.
Peggy: Ricky's middle aged. He must be pushing 23.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah he's pushing 23 alright. He's pushed it all the way to 35.
Peggy: Do you still know how to dance?
Lucy Ricardo: [insulted] I seem to recall a few variations on the Turkey Trot.
Peggy: [Describing a boy she's got a crush on] He's got curly hair, sad puppy dog eyes and he looks like Gregory Peck.
Lucy Ricardo: Sounds more like Lassie.
Ricky Ricardo: Why are we whispering?
Lucy Ricardo: If my feet find out this was my idea, they'll kill me.
Lucy Ricardo: How much do you want to bet?
Fred Mertz: Ten dollars.
Ethel Mertz: Well what's the matter with twenty dollars?
Ricky Ricardo: What's the matter with thirty dollars?
Lucy Ricardo: What's the matter with fifty dollars?
Fred Mertz: What was the matter with ten dollars?
Fred Mertz: We'll sue you.
Ricky Ricardo: Yeah? We'll see who's gonna sue who.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, we'll sue who's gonna see...
Lucy Ricardo: Nurtz to Mertz
Ricky Ricardo: Fred, I've got an awful problem on my hands.
Fred Mertz: You should have thought about that before you married her.
Lucy Ricardo: I got a Mickey from Ricky.
Lucy Ricardo: I'd just love a Richard Widmark grapefruit to go with my Robert Taylor orange.
Ethel Mertz: What a fruit salad that would make.
Lucy Ricardo: Will you at least wait for us?
Bus Driver: Go ahead. TRY me.
Lucy Ricardo: "Go ahead. TRY me".
Lucy Ricardo: I wish there were a place to sit where we could see both sides.
Bus Driver: There is.
Lucy Ricardo: Where?
Bus Driver: I can strap you to the front of the bus.
Lucy Ricardo: Well.
Lucy Ricardo: [a large woman has just sat on Lucy] Madam, it doesn't seem to be getting through to you, but this seat is taken.
Lucy Ricardo: How would you feel if Fred was smoldering with jealousy?
Ethel Mertz: Fred wouldn't smolder if he banged into a blowtorch.
Ricky Ricardo: We've got to use our brains.
Lucy Ricardo: Well, let's see...
Ricky Ricardo: You stay out of this.
Lucy Ricardo: This whole thing is Ricky's fault.
Ricky Ricardo: MY FAULT?
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, if you hadn't have left Cuba to come to America, we wouldn't have gotten married and we never would've come to Switzerland in the first place.
Ricky Ricardo: This whole thing is my fault. Something I said that started this whole mess.
Lucy Ricardo: What's that?
Ricky Ricardo: "I do."
Ethel Mertz: Fred, I'm sorry I said you were a dumb bunny.
Fred Mertz: And I'm sorry you're so fat you sat on my glasses and broke'em.
Fred Mertz: Now what are we supposed to do? Thumb a ride on a passing halibut?
Ethel: Common sense has nothing to do with it. When I say he's wrong, hes wrong.
Superman: How long have you been married?
Ricky Ricardo: 15 years.
Superman: And they call me Superman!
Ricky Ricardo: I need a copy of the marriage license for Lucille MacGillicudy; what? M-A-C, ah Gillicudy. Right and Ricardo Ricardo y Acha. Acha, Acha; thank you, but I wasn't sneezing.
Lucy Ricardo: What are you? The Cuban television network?
Ricky Ricardo: Yes. CBS. The Cuban Broadcasting System.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel was just up here and she made me so darn mad.
Ricky Ricardo: What now?
Lucy Ricardo: She said they're going to hold us to our lease. We have to pay them five month's rent before we can leave. I guess we're stuck here.
Ricky Ricardo: Well, now, that all depends.
Lucy Ricardo: On what?
Ricky Ricardo: On whether we can break the lease or not. We are going to become the two most unpleasant, disagreeable nasty people in the whole world.
Lucy Ricardo: How?
Ricky Ricardo: We'll force ourselves.
Lucy Ricardo: Time to make another call to Ethel.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, get this.
[In disguised voice]
Lucy Ricardo: Hello, this is the Ajax Salvage Company. We buy old glass, I understand you have some rings that you're interested in selling.
Ricky Ricardo: Ha ha ha ha!
[Fires air hammer into the phone]
Ricky Ricardo: I won't be home tonight. I've got to rehearse a couple of hours after the club closes.
Lucy Ricardo: Why don't you have the rehearsal here?
Ricky Ricardo: Are you crazy? I've got a 16 piece band. I'll blow the roof off the joint.
Lucy Ricardo: Well... It doesn't look like rain.
Ricky Ricardo: I'll do it.
[Lucy is dressed as Lucille McGillicuddy, after tasting homemade salad dressing]
Lucy Ricardo: What's Aunt Martha trying to do, poison me?
Lucy Ricardo: It's all your fault.
Ricky Ricardo: My fault?
Lucy Ricardo: Yes. Yelling all those crazy things at me.
Ricky Ricardo: That was diner talk. Like Fred did.
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah well,
[about to cry]
Lucy Ricardo: the next time you want hamburgers without onions, ask for hamburgers without onions. Don't stand there and yell, "Bring the bull in the ring and laugh in his face!"
Ethel Mertz: Three!
Lucy Ricardo: Two!
Ethel Mertz: One! One cent hamburgers.
Fred Mertz: Ethel, are you out of your mind?
Ethel Mertz: Well I thought this could get'em.
Fred Mertz: One cent hamburgers.
Customer: [Gives Ethel one dollar] I'd like a 100 hamburgers.
Lucy Ricardo: [talking to Ethyl about Ricky] He's put his foot down so many times, I feel like I'm married to a cuban centipede.
Ricky Ricardo: Did Ricky give you a tough day?
Lucy Ricardo: No, just the same as any other day: after breakfast, I put on his snow suit. I pull on his galoshes. I slip on his mittens. I walk him to the park. He chases the pigeons. I chase after him. He runs after the squirrels. I run after him. He get's on the swing. I push the swing. We go on the teeter-totter. He teeters, I totter. Then we leave the park and we walk home. I pull off his galoshes. I pull off his mittens. I pull off his snow suit. I tell him to go into his room and play with his teddy bear. And that is why you find me sitting here with my coat and my boots on.
Ricky Ricardo: Whew! I'm worn out from just listening.
Fred Mertz: [working in a diner] Adam and Eve on a raft. Wreck'em!
Ethel Mertz: All Fred's taste is in his mouth.
Lucy Ricardo: Ah, that must be my good friend Ethel. Don't get up Fredrick, I'll get it.
Fred Mertz: Get it? I was gonna lock it!
Ethel Mertz: Let's let Ms. Trumble get a load of us.
[after seeing Ethel in a tight leopard print dress]
Fred Mertz: I was waiting for Ethel to say Trick or Treat!
Lucy Ricardo: You look like an ad for a trip around the world.
Lucy Ricardo: Hey, Ethel. Guess what Ricky got me!
Ethel Mertz: Um... let's see. A hat? A new dress?
Lucy Ricardo: Oh Ethel better! Think about what every woman wants from her husband!
Ethel Mertz: A divorce?
Lucy Ricardo: [at false seance, introducing Ethel in disguise] This is Madam Ethel Mertzola. She'll be our medium tonight. She's psychopathic.
Ethel Mertz: [does not believe that Lucy got her black eye when Ricky accidentally tossed her a book with poor aim, and suspects abuse instead] This is Ethel, your friend, to whom you may turn in time of crisis.
Lucy Ricardo: Ethel, have you been drinking?
Lucy Ricardo: [in charge of operetta to benefit the club she and Ethel are in, which doesn't know that there is no money in its account because Lucy has been borrowing from it] Well, we could save money by writing the operetta ourselves.
Ethel Mertz: We? Who's we?
Lucy Ricardo: We is Ethel Romberg and Lucy Friml, that's who we is.
Ricky Ricardo: [discussing operetta Lucy wrote, but does not know she wrote it] Who wrote this thing, anyway?
Lucy Ricardo: Who wrote it? Have you ever heard of George Gershwin?
Ricky Ricardo: Yeah.
Lucy Ricardo: Well alright then.
Ethel Mertz: [Lucy has a loving cup for Johnny Longden stuck on her head, and has to get to the Tropicana to give it to longden shortly] Lucy, does heat make metal contract or expand?
Lucy Ricardo: Expand, I think. Why?
Ethel Mertz: That's it! We'll put your head in the oven!
Lucy Ricardo: Oh fine.
Ethel Mertz: Well, don't you like the idea?
Lucy Ricardo: It's great. Why don't you stick an apple in my mouth and barbecue me?
Ricky Ricardo: What's the matter with you? Are you crazy or something?
Lucy's Doctor from Jamestown: Hello, Mr. Ricardo. I'm the man who brought your wife into the world!
Ricky Ricardo: I don't know whether to thank you or punch you in the nose!
Ethel Mertz: I refuse to go anywhere with someone who thinks I am a hippopotamus.
Ricky Ricardo: Lucy, is this true?
Lucy Ricardo: No, I just implied that she was a little hippy... though she has got the biggest potamus I've ever seen.
Ricky Ricardo: Fred, how often is Ethel's checking account overdrawn?
Fred Mertz: Never.
Ricky Ricardo: Never? How do you manage that?
Ethel Mertz: It's easy. I never had enough money at one time to open a checking account.
Fred Mertz: She spends money like I'm printing it in the basement!
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy does not want to meet William Holden after an embarrassing incident at the Brown Derby] He never did appeal to me.
Ricky Ricardo: What are you talking about? The whole way here I heard nothing but "Bill Holden, Bill Holden."
Lucy Ricardo: Yeah, well... I'm fickle.
Ricky Ricardo: [sees pancakes on his plate] Hey! Tortillas!
Lucy Ricardo: [sarcastically] Yeah. I made them out of Aunt Jemima Tortilla Mix.
Ricky Ricardo: Oh, I keep forgetting here in America you call them Flap Cakes.
Lucy Ricardo: Come again?
Ricky Ricardo: Hot Jacks?
Lucy Ricardo: You were closer with tortillas. They are Hot Cakes!
Ricky Ricardo: Oh!
Ricky Ricardo: No, these are Cold Cakes.
Lucy Ricardo: [Lucy gets caught spying on the neighbors] I was, uh... bird-watching!
Ricky Ricardo: Bird-watching?
Lucy Ricardo: Uh, yeah! Do you know that there's a yellow-bellied woodpecker on our lawn?
Ricky Ricardo: No, but I know that there's a red-headed cuckoo in the living room.
Lucy Ricardo: Did I get any suntan?
Ricky Ricardo: No.
Lucy Ricardo: Oh, darn it.
Ricky Ricardo: [with his thick accent] Honey, why don't you forget about getting a suntan. You always get burned with your fair skin.
Lucy Ricardo: My fur skin?
Lucy Ricardo: [listening to a doctor's diagnosis] I got the Gobloots from a Blu-Shoo bird?