The Jack Benny Program (1950–1965)
Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.
Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?
Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.
Jack: I believe in being honest with myself. If there's one thing I hate it's when a comedian is great and won't admit it. I've never met one like that, but if I did, I'd hate them.
Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.
Jack: When they laugh at one of my jokes... it just gets me right here.
[Puts hand on heart]
Rochester: Yes, that's the spot all right. You almost had a heart attack when they laughed at Bob Hope.
[At Liberace's House]
Liberace: What do we have for dinner?
Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.
Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?
Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?
Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.
Humphrey Bogart: I'm entitled to one phone call, ain't I? Gimme a dime I'll go down to the drugstore.
Jack: Oh, no you don't. You'll make your call here where I can keep an eye on you.
Bob: And save a dime.
Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?
Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.
Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?
Jack: Gee, I never thought of that.
Jack: I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.
[on trial for murder, Jack has Perry Mason defending him]
Jack: I can't understand it. On your show you always win.
Perry Mason: Maybe my writers are better than yours.
Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.
Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.
Jack Benny: We're a little late, so good night, folks.
Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?
Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?
Jack Benny: That star has five points.
Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.
Stationmaster: Train leaving on Track Five for Anaheim, Azusa and Cucamonga.
Thug: You're gonna give us $10,000, or we're gonna break both your legs.
Jack Benny: Does it have to be both?
[Jack picks up a jar from the dresser]
Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?
Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.
Jack: I know, but peanut butter?
Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy.
[Jack decides to have a shave]
Rochester: [checking his equipment] Shaving cream, brush, razor, smelling salts.
Jack: Smell?... What do I want with smelling salts?
Rochester: That's for me. I can't stand the sight of blood.
[Rochester has started shaving Jack]
Rochester: Oh oh.
Jack: What's the matter?
Rochester: I think I cut you.
Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?
Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.
Bob Hope: [on being on a CBS show] I feel like Zsa Zsa at a P.T.A. meeting.
Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains.
Bob Hope: [finding some coins tied with string in Jack's trousers] When you ask this kid for a loan, and he says his money is tied up, he isn't kidding. This is an obstacle course for pickpockets.
Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?
Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.
Don Wilson: [Poking his head through the curtains] Bob, Bob, quick, give me Jack's pants
Bob Hope: Why do you want Jack's pants?
Don Wilson: Because I had to give him mine.
Bob Hope: You mean, Jack's actually wearing your pants?
Jack: [out of shot] Darn right I am.
[Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers]
Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.
Bob: This is rather strange for me, I'm on the major network.
Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.
[Our heroes enter a jungle clearing carrying a tiger on a pole]
Jack: These last 2 miles were rugged, weren't they?
'Clyde': I knew as soon as we got off the freeway, we'd run into trouble.
Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle.
'Clyde': Your'e telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.
Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath.
'Clyde': Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.
Jack: [Pointing to the tiger] He must have gone to a veterinarian in Denmark.
'Clyde': I wondered why he had his hand on his hip when I shot him.
Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?
'Clyde': General Electric.
[our heroes have been captured by a tribe on cannibals, and are standing in a large pot]
Jack: I'm scared, I'm frightened.
'Clyde': Frightened. Why, you yellow-belly. Do you want to live forever?
Jack: No, I just want to reach 40.
'Clyde': Oh, we're not going to make that trip again, oh no.
Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.
[Bob adjusts Jack's gun arm, so that the pistol is now pointing at Bob's head]
Bob Hope: Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh.
Don Wilson: Rochester, you sing, don't you?
Rochester: Anything but Soprano.
Jack Benny: [on the phone with Mary Livingston] Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger.
[Mary hangs up the phone]
Jack Benny: Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.