Quotes

Bob Crosby: That's like keeping the smog and throwing away Los Angeles.

Don Wilson: I don't think you know how much it means to me to do the commercial. After all I'm not a funny man. I can't sing or dance. I don't lead a band. What are you paying me for?

Jack: Don, you're hanging yourself.

Jack: When another comedian has a lousy show, I'm the first one to admit it.

[At Liberace's House]

Liberace: What do we have for dinner?

Cook: We have some breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks.

Jack: Breast of flamingo and gazelle steaks?

Liberace: Would you like to stay for dinner, Jack?

Jack: Well, only if you have enough. I'd hate for you to run out to the zoo just for me.

Marilyn Monroe: What about the difference in our ages?

Jack: Oh, it's not that big a difference. You're twenty-five and I'm thirty-nine.

Marilyn Monroe: I know, Jack. But what about twenty-five years from now when I'm fifty and you're thirty-nine?

Jack: Gee, I never thought of that.

Jack: I feel responsible for Johnny Ray's success. See many years ago I asked him to be on my show and he asked for a lot of money and I cried. And he stole that from me.

Jack: What do you think of this card I wrote for Don? "To Don from Jacky, Oh golly, oh shucks. I hope that you like it, It cost forty bucks.

Rochester: It would've been hard to rhyme a dollar ninety-eight.

Jack Benny: Where's that big glass star I told you to pack away last Christmas?

Rochester: You mean that shiny one with the three points on it?

Jack Benny: That star has five points.

Rochester: Well, it went down two points this last year.

Thug: Look, bud, I said 'Your money or your life.'

Jack Benny: I'm thinking it over.

[Jack picks up a jar from the dresser]

Jack: Hey, wait a minute. What kind of make up is this?

Rochester: Well, you said you wanted something to make you look nice and tanned.

Jack: I know, but peanut butter?

[Audience laugh]

Jack: I want to look tanned, not lumpy.

[Rochester has started shaving Jack]

Rochester: Oh oh.

Jack: What's the matter?

Rochester: I think I cut you.

Jack: What do you mean, you think? Can't you tell?

Rochester: It would help if you bleed a little.

Bob Hope: By the way, this is where Bing did his last show and I think they've done very nicely. They've gotten most of it out of the curtains.

Jack: [poking his head through the stage curtains] Bob, will you please give me my pants back?

Bob Hope: Put your head back through there, or I'll start handing out baseballs to the audience.

[Bob walks on carrying Jack's trousers]

Bob: Welcome to the Lucky Strike Program. In just a few minutes, you'll see our star, Gypsy Rose Benny.

Bob: [about Bing Crosby] He's up in Nevada looking over Boulder Dam - his piggy bank is filled. He's so loaded, you know, he uses Howard Hughes for a bell boy.

Jack: It's really dangerous, here in the jungle.

'Clyde': Your'e telling me. What about those first three nights, we had to light fires to keep the animals away.

Jack: Yeah, then we ran out of water. For three weeks we couldn't even take a bath.

'Clyde': Then the animals lit fires to keep us away.

Jack: What kind of tiger is that - Siberian or Bengal?

'Clyde': General Electric.

Jack: [pointing a pistol at Bob's trousers] I'm going to blow your brains out.

[Bob adjusts Jack's gun arm, so that the pistol is now pointing at Bob's head]

Bob Hope: Let's not do any jokes we didn't plan on, eh.

Jack Benny: [on the phone with Mary Livingston] Hello, Mary. Are you free tonight? No, I don't have any plans. Would you like to go see a movie? No, I'll come to your house; you're TV screen is much bigger.

[Mary hangs up the phone]

Jack Benny: Mary? Mary? I don't know what she's mad about.