Love Happy (1949)
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: I am the same Sam Grunion who solved the international uranium-mining swindle. Scotland Yard was baffled; the FBI was baffled. They sent for me and the case was solved immediately: I confessed.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Here's another Broadway hopeful: Faustino the Great. For 20 years he was an organ grinder with a monkey. Then one day the monkey went on strike. He wanted shorter hours and longer bananas.
Faustino the Great: Look-a, Mr. Lyons, I know you wanna make a good impression, but-a please - don't play better than me.
Faustino the Great: How long you study music?
Mr. Lyons: Fifteen years.
Faustino the Great: Fifteen. You know, two more years you could've been a plumber?
Faustino the Great: Nevermind the pianissimo. I'm gonna make it-a very simple for you: we play it allegro pizzicato. That's what-a you call 'em, high-class Carnegie Hall stuff. You know allegro pizzicato?
Mr. Lyons: No.
Faustino the Great: You know Jimmy Pizzicato?
Mr. Lyons: No.
Faustino the Great: None of the Pizzicatos, uh?
Mr. Lyons: No.
Faustino the Great: What DO you know?
Mr. Lyons: I know pistachio.
Faustino the Great: Pistachio? Ha! We play it!
[Faustino, wanting to audition for Mike's show of "unknowns," promotes himself as a mind-reader]
Faustino the Great: I no like-a to brag, but the thing I'm-a most unknown for is-a mind-reading. I give you demonstration. You're thinking of something.
Mike Johnson: [dubiously] Right, so far.
Faustino the Great: You're thinking of a nice juicy steak with a French-a fried-a potatoes.
Mike Johnson: [far less than impressed] The exit's over there.
Mr. Lyons: Are you a friend of Mr. Yorkman?
Faustino the Great: [crossing fingers before him] Friend? Ha. Max and I are just-a like that - two heads on the same neck.
[singing the song WHO STOLE THE JAM?, Bunny smacks dolls in highchairs]
Bunny Dolan: Mama wants to know who made this mess. Mama's gonna kick some teeth in if you don't confess.
Mike Johnson: Well, go ahead. Say it.
Maggie Phillips: I wasn't going to say anything.
Mike Johnson: You don't have to put it into words, baby. It's sticking out of your eyes.
Mike Johnson: I don't want any sardines. I'm not throwing a bare turkey on the stage.
Mike Johnson: But, baby! I know it's your birthday, but this is important.
Faustino the Great: I'm going to cover you with the sardines. That's-a how much I love you. Watch-a my smoke!
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Mackinaw, you know I have a full record of the case, and tonight at the opening of the play you MAY have the solution, but when the curtain rises, Madam Egelichi will be in the front box, and sitting next to her will be Count B'ullabaisse - but if you take away the count's silk hat, his opera cloak and his full dress suit you'll have ME, shivering in my underwear.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Hey, that's not my suit you're pulling.
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: [objecting to being killed with a straight razor] This'll never do. I got a hide like an elephant. By the way, did you ever try to hide an elephant?
Ivan - Assassin in Grunion's Office: You will be dead in five minutes
Detective Sam Grunion, narrator of the story: Huh! For your information, my doctor gave me three years to live, and I don't intend to make a fool out of HIM.