Brideless Groom (1947)
Moe: Wait a minute. You wouldn't hit a lady with that.
[grabs an object and hands it to Larry]
Moe: Use this. It's bigger.
Shemp: [admiring self in mirror] Ain't I as pretty as a picture?
Moe: [with a slap to Shemp] Yeah, of an ape!
Shemp: [Giving instructions to Miss Dinkelmeyer] Gargle with old razor blades.
Miss Fanny Dinkelmeyer: All right, professor. I know you wouldn't want anything to happen to my throat.
Shemp: [to Larry] Except to have somebody cut it.
Larry: How'd you like to be married to a dame like that?
Shemp: Don't even say that!
Moe: Shut up and listen. Do you remember your Uncle Caleb?
Shemp: Do I? Why, that old tightwad! He'd steal flies from a blind spider!
Moe: But, Shemp, he's...
Shemp: He's a louse and a weasel!
Moe: Yeah? Well, he just died and left you $500,000 bucks.
Shemp: Just like that old skinflint!
Shemp: $500,000 bucks?
[begins to cry]
Shemp: Poor old Uncle Caleb! Like I was sayin', he was a swell guy, giving me the shirt off his back and throwing the buttons too.
Shemp: [Moe enters and opens the door in Shemp's face]
Shemp: I oughta...
Moe: [to Shemp] You oughta what?
Shemp: I oughta be a little more careful.
Shemp: [on the phone in phone booth] Hello, is this Ginger Grey? It is? Well, this is your little snookums. I'm about to do ya a big favor, will ya marry me?
Miss Lulu Hopkins: [to Shemp] How dare you pretend to be my cousin Basil? I'll teach you a thing or two. You wolf! Don't you dare strike me. Taking advantage of a poor worthful, helpless woman.
J.M. Benton, Justice of the Peace: My new piano!
Larry: [shoving J.M. Benton out of the way] Shut up!
Moe: You know any girls?
Shemp: [pulls a black book out of his pocket] I got a lot of numbers, but haven't had much luck with them lately.
Moe: Well, you can't get killed for trying. Where's a phone?
Shemp: [turns around and points] There's a booth down the hall.
Moe: [grabs Shemp's hair and pulls him towards the door before he can finish his sentence] Well, what are we waiting for?
Larry: [to a woman in the hallway] Say, Miss, would you like to get married?
Woman in Hallway: [taken aback] What?
Larry: Get married?
Woman in Hallway: Well, I don't know, but you are kid of cute at that.
Larry: [blushing] Oh, it's not me, it's him.
[points to Shemp, whose face is pressed up to the window of the phone booth. He makes an ugly face and has the phone cord in his mouth. The woman screams, then slaps Larry across the face, and walks off]
Larry: [after the phone booth's walls fall and Moe and Shemp fall out of it]
Larry: What happened?
Moe: That's what I want to know.
Moe: [opens a top drawer, looks, then to Shemp] Say, where are the towels?
Shemp: In the bottom drawer.
Moe: [shakes his head, then opens the bottom drawer, and pulls out a towel] Ah, here we are.
[stands straight up, and puts his head through the bottom of the still open top drawer. He turns around slightly groggy and walks towards Shemp with the drawer still around him]
Larry: [to Moe, laughing] Boy, you sure look funny wearing a buster brown collar.
Moe: [handing Larry the towel] Hold that.
[Larry takes it, then Moe removes the drawer and puts it over Larry]
Moe: You do too!