- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [opening lines] It was springtime in New York, and one of the greatest events of my career was about to transpire. The crowd was multitudinous. Even my relatives was there. As I lamped all them smilin' kissers, I was pierced with the realization that this was probably the most monumental moment in the entire spam of my life. I was stirred up with commotion, and there was a big lunk in my throat as I turned and gandered at my fellow classmate, Bobby. He, too, was likewise granulatin'. As I looked further on, my cup was runnin' over. There was Whitey the honor student, the three letter man: A, B, and C. And Chuck, who went through college by degrees: RFD, COD, SOS, and DDT. And I glimpsed to the right. Now there was a hunk of IQ.
- [Sach is shown wearing a dunce hat and sitting in the corner]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: The lunkhead that flunked. Dean Pettyboff, that old... bachelor of arts, was deliverin' one of his impertinently incoherent speeches.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: [as Slip hangs up the phone] Who was it?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: It was Louie and he's in trouble!
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: What happened?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: His mouse just had puppies!
- [Louie asks Slip to catch a mouse]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Uh, how wide is he?
- Louie: How wide you a... What difference does that make?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: It's a lot of difference. We gotta give you an accurate appraisal, don't we? We have to know the overall dimensions and also the weight. Now, how wide is he?
- Louie: How wide... About one mouse wide.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [seeing Gaby's French wife] Viva la-Viva la-Viva la French.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba-hubba.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: What I just said, in French.
- Dr. Coslow: Bender! The ether, Bender!
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: I don't want to go on a ether bender!
- Dr. Coslow: Quiet!
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Good morning. Mahony's Extoiminatin' Company Incorporated wid Associates, President Mahoney speaking. Mm-hmm. Yes, we extoiminate and also toiminate the existence of bugs, slugs, mice, lice, gnats, rats, bees and fleas. Mm-hm. Mm-hm. Quite versatile. What's that? No, I'm sorry. We can't exterminate bill collectors. It's against the fish and game laws, mm-mm-mm-mmm. Well, call again when ya get anudda nickel.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [narrating] My flesh started to crawl, so I thought I might as well go with it.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: [narrating] If I'd've been by myself I'd've scrammed, but on account of the fellas I had to falsify my emotions.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Whadda ya gonna do, doc?
- Dr. Coslow: Oh, nothing very much. I'm just going to remove your brain.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Oh. Oh, oh, oh, oh, no, you don't. No, you don't.
- Dr. Coslow: I only want a little piece.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: How much do you think he's got?
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: He's right, doc. I got none to spare.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: If I'm not bein' too perpendicular, just where HAVE you been since you varnished into the woodwork?
- [the boys get unnerved when the lights in the abandoned house go on by themselves]
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: When are you guys gonna develop congregations in your brain? When're you gonna grow up?
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: If we stay here long enough, we won't have a chance to.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Sach, can I explain somethin' to ya? The solution to dis whole problem is so oblivious as to be defective.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: It is?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: Why it coitenly is.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: How?
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: How? Well, uh... the real estate man who was gonna work here late tonight, so he had the juice put on. That's all.
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: That's all.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: I know things like this work on your mental altitude, but there's nothin' to be worried, nothin' to be afraid of. What are ya, men or mice?
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Pass the cheese.
- Terence Aloysius 'Slip' Mahoney: SHADDUP! Now back to work, mouse. You men might as well go back to work too.
- [among other instructions, Sach orders the boys to slug anything that moves; the boys oblige]
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: What're ya sluggin' me for?
- Whitey: Ya moved, didn't ya?
- Horace Debussy 'Sach' Jones: Eh, every time I try to use my brain I get in trouble.