Road to Utopia (1945)
Bing Crosby: Duke Johnson
Photos
Quotes
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Chester Hooton : Am I dead?
Duke : I can't tell, you always look that way.
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Chester Hooton : You've been leading me by the nose, chiseling me, right and left.
Duke Johnson : Me? Chiseling you?
Chester Hooton : You chiseling me. I got a record of every chizz.
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Chester Hooton : How 'bout Kansas City? You picked my pocket of 75 bucks so you could take Mabel Bronschweiger out ridin' in a buggy.
Duke Johnson : Ah, Mabel Bronschweiger. Ah, lady blacksmith. She was your girl.
Chester Hooton : My girl.
Duke Johnson : What a right hand.
[forms a fist, moves it up and down]
Chester Hooton : I sat in the hotel lobby for four hours while you took her for a ride in the woods.
Duke Johnson : Well, what do you care. As long as she was out in the fresh air.
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[Chester has the hiccups]
Duke : Can't you suppress it somehow?
Chester Hooton : Frighten me.
Duke : I can't, I haven't got a mirror.
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Duke : Experience is the best teacher.
Chester Hooton : Oh, experience is the best teacher, huh?
Duke : Naturally, and I'm a Ph.D.
Chester Hooton : Yeah, a pin-headed dope.
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Chester Hooton : Everything is cold! My nose is an iceberg.
Duke : Iceberg? That's a glacier.
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[driving around the Klondike]
Chester Hooton : Hey, get a load of that bread and butter!
Duke : Bread and butter? That's a mountain!
[it's the Paramount Pictures mountain]
Chester Hooton : Maybe a mountain to you, but it's bread and butter to me!
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Duke Johnson : Smart guys us. We're a couple of pigeons.
Chester Hooton : Yeah. A dame hits us twice with those big moose eyes and, right away, we start giving away gold mines.
Duke Johnson : If we get that map back, I'm brushing dames off forever.
Chester Hooton : Ah, they're poison. They run their fingers through your hair, play with your ear, roll you, clip you, then they throw you in the gutter. And you know what's worse than that?
Duke Johnson : What?
Chester Hooton : I love it.
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Chester Hooton : My colleague.
Duke Johnson : My crony.
Chester Hooton : My cohort.
Duke Johnson : My friend!
Chester Hooton : Companion.
Duke Johnson : Confederate.
Chester Hooton : Chums to the end.
Duke Johnson : LIke meat and potatoes.
Chester Hooton : Or salt and tomatoes.
Duke Johnson , Chester Hooton : [singing] Boy, what a blend...
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Duke Johnson : Imagine a girl lovin' a guy that much.
Chester Hooton : Yeah. I'm not worth it. I'm a regular Casablanca.
Duke Johnson : Casanova!
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Duke Johnson : Scat, sad sack. Go on, scat.
Chester Hooton : Beat it.
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Duke : Chester, you'd better face it - the cards say "Alaska!"
Chester Hooton : No wonder - it's a cold deck!
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Duke Johnson , Chester Hooton : [singing] But here's the funniest part, Down deep in his heart, He's the lonesomest man in town.
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Duke Johnson : Girls, the Hootons and I have a few things to discuss. If you'll run along, Uncle will meet you later at the club.
[girls leave]
Chester Hooton : Nice goin', ''Uncle.'' Nice family tree and - the limbs ain't bad either.
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Sal Van Hoyden : Duke, tell us all about Alaska. We left you for dead. How in the world did you ever get away?
Duke Johnson : It's rather a long story. I wouldn't want to bore you.
Chester Hooton : It's never stopped you before!
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Duke Johnson : How do you like this? A Confederate ten-spot. How can people be so crooked?
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Duke Johnson : Didn't I front for you in Oklahoma?
Chester Hooton : Hilda, the oilman's daughter?
Duke Johnson : Sent you in there.
Chester Hooton : Was she born or did they have to drill for her?
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Chester Hooton : That boat sails in 20 minutes.
Duke Johnson : Let it sail.
Chester Hooton : Look, mastermind, the tour is over!. We've been posse-baitin' every town from coast to coast. And we just ran out of towns.
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Chester Hooton : Alaska? In case you haven't heard, it's so cold up there. It's so cold if you shake hands with somebody, they just take it and throw it away.
Duke Johnson : It's Utopia. Everybody's gettin' some of that gold on 'em.
Chester Hooton : I got all the gold I want right here in my teeth.
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Chester Hooton : I guess this is it.
Duke Johnson : Hey, Ches, I never thought we'd end this way.
Chester Hooton : Yeah and it's so *different* this time. I'm holdin' the dough and you're holdin' the bag. Gee, I never thought I'd have the biggest end.
Duke Johnson : Oh, you've always had much the biggest end!
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Duke Johnson : Chester, we gotta be careful. This is a strange boat. There's a lot of crooks around.
Chester Hooton : Yeah. You won't be lonesome.
Duke Johnson : You know way down underneath I'm honest.
Chester Hooton : Yeah, but on top, you're a rat.
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Chester Hooton : What goes with the local peasantry?
Duke Johnson : One look at us and they run right out of the joint.
Chester Hooton : I feel like I'm back in vaudeville.
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Chester Hooton : Don't look at me. I didn't even want to get on this boat. I was Shangri-La'd.
Duke Johnson : Shanghaied, old man.
Chester Hooton : Well, one of them towns in Egypt.
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Chester Hooton : It was great while it lasted, wasn't it?
Duke Johnson : Oh, what a combo. A barrel of fun. A lot of laughs.
Chester Hooton : Oh, a lot of snickers.
Duke Johnson : Chester, we had a couple of things that - money couldn't buy.
Chester Hooton : Yeah and I usually got the ugly one.
Duke Johnson : No hard feelings.
Chester Hooton : No hard feelings at all!
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Chester Hooton : Chester, you'd better face it. The cards say Alaska!
Duke Johnson : No wonder, it's a cold deck.
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Chester Hooton : [playing an accordion accompanying Duke in a talent show] You know, I never knew I could play one of these.
Duke Johnson : You could beat the monkey alone.
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Duke Johnson : She made the date with me.
Chester Hooton : Look, fester-head, why would she make a date with two guys at the same time?
Sal Van Hoyden : Why not?
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Chester Hooton : So you finally got yourself a date, huh?
Duke Johnson : You said it, son.
Chester Hooton : What'd you do? Pick up a lonely walrus?
Duke Johnson : Oh, now you know I don't cut into your territory.
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Duke Johnson : [singing] Welcome to my dream, And how are you? Will you be here long? Or just passin' through?
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Chester Hooton : Well, here we are, off on another road!
Duke Johnson : Oh-oh. And what a road!
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Chester Hooton : What're you doing?
Duke Johnson : Putting mine in my hat in a safe place. And you'd better do the same thing.
Chester Hooton : In a safe place, huh?
Duke Johnson : Sure.
Chester Hooton : Say, what do you think of my underwear?
Duke Johnson : Not much, but put it there anyway.
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Duke Johnson : Clamber out of that beaver.
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Sal Van Hoyden : Come in.
Duke Johnson : Well, you can take the lantern out of the window, Sal gal.
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Duke Johnson : He thinks he's a dog. His mother was frightened by a Pekingese.
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Duke Johnson : [singing] The girls are fond of blubber, And the igloos have no locks
Chester Hooton : Oh, you'll wow the lady Eskimos, They don't wear bobby socks..
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Duke Johnson : What's all the celebration here?
Ace Larson : A posse! There's going to be a little hanging.
Duke Johnson : Little hanging, huh? Well, what do you know.
Chester Hooton : Hanging, huh? Well, that's ''noose'' to me.
[Chester and Duke laugh, Ace doesn't]
Chester Hooton : That's noose - I made a joke.
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Duke Johnson : Now for Dawson City and those dames!
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Chester Hooton : It's a dame.
Duke Johnson : A dame!
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Duke Johnson : You don't know any more about women than you do about fishing!
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Duke Johnson : [as Ghost-O] Matoom-bomba, Ester-chay, Willet-gay, Under-day, Dwit-ay, Matoom-bomba.
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Sal Van Hoyden : You're quite a panic with the ladies, aren't you?
Duke Johnson : Oh, man, I'm murder when I make my move. Murder!
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Duke Johnson : Hangin', huh? Sounds gay.
Chester Hooton : Yeah, it sure does. Happy huntin', partner.
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Duke Johnson : Maybe we could sneak through, huh?.
Chester Hooton : Sneak through? That's a slaughter house. You wanna hang upside down?
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Duke : Shh. You want them to hear us? Hiccup the other way.
Chester Hooton : That's the only way I know how.