To Be or Not to Be (1942)
Josef Tura: [disguised as Professor Siletsky - speaking about Maria Tura] Her husband is that great, great Polish actor, Josef Tura. You've probably heard of him.
Colonel Ehrhardt: Oh, yes. As a matter of fact I saw him on the stage when I was in Warsaw once before the war.
Josef Tura: Really?
Colonel Ehrhardt: What he did to Shakespeare we are doing now to Poland.
Greenberg: Mr. Rawitch, what you are I wouldn't eat.
Rawitch: How dare you call me a ham?
Maria Tura: It's becoming ridiculous the way you grab attention. Whenever I start to tell a story, you finish it. If I go on a diet, you lose the weight. If I have a cold, you cough. And if we should ever have a baby, I'm not so sure I'd be the mother.
Josef Tura: I'm satisfied to be the father.
Colonel Ehrhardt: They named a brandy after Napoleon, they made a herring out of Bismarck, and the Fuhrer is going to end up as a piece of cheese!
Josef Tura: [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt] I can't tell you how delighted we are to have you here.
Professor Alexander Siletsky: May I say, my dear Colonel, that it's good to breathe the air of the Gestapo again. You know, you're quite famous in London, Colonel. They call you Concentration Camp Ehrhardt.
Josef Tura: Ha ha. Yes, yes... we do the concentrating and the Poles do the camping.
Maria Tura: No, no, no. I think we've talked much too much about me. Tell me about yourself.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: Well, there isn't much to tell. I just fly a bomber.
Maria Tura: Oh, how perfectly thrilling!
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: I don't know about it being thrilling. But it's quite a bomber. You might not believe it, but I can drop three tons of dynamite in two minutes.
Maria Tura: Really?
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: Does that interest you?
Maria Tura: It certainly does.
Josef Tura: Wait a minute. I'll decide with whom my wife is going to have dinner and whom she's going to kill.
Maria Tura: Don't you realize Poland's at stake?
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: Have you no patriotism?
Josef Tura: Now listen, you... first you walk out on my soliloquy and then you walk into my slippers. And now you question my patriotism. I'm a good Pole and I love my country and I love my slippers.
Maria Tura: Well, I hope your country comes first.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: So do I.
Maria Tura: This is an emergency! War!
Josef Tura: Look, look, look, I don't know much about the whole thing... but is this Siletsky a real danger to Poland?
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: A catastrophe!
Maria Tura: He must be taken care of!
Josef Tura: Then he will be taken care of.
Maria Tura: Well, who's gonna do it?
Josef Tura: I'm gonna do it.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: But how?
Maria Tura: Where?
Josef Tura: I'm gonna meet Herr Siletsky at Gestapo headquarters. And after I've killed him I hope you'll be kind enough to tell me what it was all about!
Professor Alexander Siletsky: Shall we drink to a blitzkrieg?
Maria Tura: I prefer a slow encirclement.
Josef Tura: If I shouldn't come back, I forgive you what happened between you and Sobinski. But if I come back, it's a different matter.
Rawitch: Well? What have you to say for yourself now? Here is a man with a beard, and you didn't even pull it!
Josef Tura: It's unbelievable! Unbelievable! I come home to find a man in the same boat with me and my wife says to me, "What does it matter?"
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: But, Mr. Tura, it's the 'zero hour'.
Maria Tura: You certainly don't want me to waste a lot of time giving you a long explanation.
Josef Tura: No, but I think a husband is entitled to an inkling.
Maria Tura: [to Joseph] You're the greatest actor in the world. Everybody knows that, including you.
Greenberg: You want my opinion, Mr. Dobosh?
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: No, Mr. Greenberg, I do *not* want your opinion.
Greenberg: All right... let me give you my reaction.
[Stage Manager calls over Make-Up manager, unsatisfied with the actor's appearance]
Makeup Man: What's wrong with it?
Stage Manager: I don't know... it's not convincing. To me, he's just a man with a little mustache.
Makeup Man: But so is Hitler.
Crowd: [Mumbling in agreement]
Joseph Tura: [disguised as Colonel Ehrhardt] So they call me Concentration Camp Ehrhardt?
Colonel Ehrhardt: If you watch the shepherd, you are bound to find the flock.
Josef Tura: I went to Dobosh and told him when he advertises the new play to put your name first.
Maria Tura: Did you, darling? Oh, that's sweet of you, but I really don't care.
Josef Tura: That's what Dobosh said, so we left it as it was.
Joseph Tura: Well, Colonel, all I can say is... you can't have your cake and shoot it, too.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: You see, sir, the other night Professor Siletsky was addressing us at the camp, and I mentioned the name of Maria Tura - and he never heard of her.
Gen. Armstrong: Neither have I.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: Oh, but, he's supposed to be a Pole who lived in Warsaw and she's the most famous actress in Warsaw.
Gen. Armstrong: Now, look here, young man, there are lots of people who're not interested in the theater. As a matter of fact, there's only one actress I ever heard of - and I certainly hope I'll never hear from her again.
Lieutenant Stanislav Sobinski: I hope you'll forgive me if I acted a little clumsy, but this is the first time I ever met an actress.
Maria Tura: Lieutenant, this is the first time I've ever met a man who could drop three tons of dynamite in two minutes.
Josef Tura: Someone walked out on me. Tell me, Maria, am I losing my grip?
Maria Tura: Oh, of course not, darling. I'm so sorry.
Josef Tura: But he walked out on me.
Maria Tura: Maybe he didn't feel well. Maybe he had to leave. Maybe he had a sudden heart attack.
Josef Tura: I hope so.
Maria Tura: If he stayed he might have died.
Josef Tura: Maybe he's dead already! Oh, darling, you're so comforting.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: [referring to Siletsky] Now you take him back to the hotel.
Joseph Tura: Alright.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: As soon as you're in his room, you hit him over the head with the butt of the gun.
Joseph Tura: Alright.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: Then you take his keys, open his trunk and burn the papers. And then you shoot him.
Joseph Tura: Alright.
[starts to leave - then comes back]
Joseph Tura: Just a minute... what'll happen to me? They'll kill me.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: Well... we're going to keep our fingers crossed.
Joseph Tura: Good.
[starts to leave again - then comes back]
Joseph Tura: Hey, wait a minute... you go to the hotel and I'll cross my fingers.
Dobosh, Theatrical Producer: If we can manage that Greenberg suddenly pops up among all those Nazis...
Greenberg: It'll get a terrific laugh.
[a line he says several times earlier in the film]
Maria Tura: Think of me being flogged in the darkness, scream, suddenly the lights go on and the audience discovers me on the floor in this gorgeous dress!
Capt. Schultz: But what if he doesn't talk?
Colonel Ehrhardt: Then we try a little physical culture.